Lies that had me bound
By ruggaexpat
6/23/2011 11:54:35 PM
Those who have suffered from lust filled addictions can live without lust entirely. To those who ask will it ever go away, my response is absolute yes and it does not have to take months or years. The price to get to that point is surely different for all of us but it seems to me the Lord expects a common requirment. That we make a series of hard decisions, the kind of make or break decisions that test our faith in him. Once we go beyond the fears and complacency driving our emotions and thoughts, make a hard and painful decision that ripps ours and many times our loved one's heart strings, when we decide to choose the right no matter how painful the sequence of inevitable events, we qualify ever so more for divine grace to never look back.

When I say addicts for life I am not referring to recovering addicts who are simply remembering where they have come from. In other words always on guard and in remebrance of the fact that they can fall anytime. I too can fall anytime if I so choose. That is the same for all of us.

We do not have to be addicts for life. I do not know how many times I have heard others say such a thing is pride and thinking such things will lead to eventual downfall.

We need to be careful about following the philosophies of man. One such is that we are addicts for life. Never has any statement been made in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ that supports that message. It is false. We will struggle with our weaknesses yes and it will be a lifetime project but weakness is not addiction. Weakness is meant to bring us closer to the Lord and rely on him and teach us humility. If weakness is the same thing as addiction, is an addicition meant to bring us back to the Lord? No, an addiction is deisgned to distance me from the Lord and brng me closer to one person MYSELF.

Addiction is not weakness. Sin is not weakness either.

Addiction was designed by the devil and we must understand that. When we do, we will never want to say we are an addict for life. No one will want to accept that they are under the control of Satan for life. It is his tool, this is what we were warned about in the Book of Mormon that we will either choose captivity or liberty. He holds us captive when we accept to be an addict for life.

I want to share with you guys a few of the lies Satan sold me and I took them hook line and sinker:

1) You do not have to tell your wife - heeding that lie out of my fears caused more damage than anything else I will do in my life. I always thought I can do this and overcome the addiction alone and then love her like no other - Just plain stupid and grandiose to even contemplate such a lie.

2) I am technically still keeping the law of chastity after all I have not physically acted out al these fantasies - huge lie, just to protect my addiction. If you buy into this lie you will never overcome this addiction.

3) I can still feel the spirit - I want to be as blunt as can be here - I could stand at the pulpit and give the most amazing emotion filled talks and captivate in my lessons each sunday, after a "father forgive me prayer" saturday night after a binge. - I felt no spirit other than my own emotions I have taught myself to believe were the spirit. - You lust or look at porn, the spirit is not going to be with you no matter how spiritual you feel. Spot this lie as quilckly as you can because when that dark veil is lifted from your eyes, you will see how foolish you were.

4) My acitions and decisions are not affecting others and the Lord will watch over my children - Huge lie, the children will suffer the most but will not tell us. They will suffer in silence while addiction reigns. - There is not near enough on this site dedicated to the suffering of the little ones, we are all so embroiled in our own pain and dealing with the spouse that they hardly get a mention - Oh how Satan is so sly. Think about the real damage being done to the innocent and helpless little ones we are supposed to protect.

5) There is a whole web of lies I was dangling in but none so powerful as this one: I can do it my way!
That is the biggest lie and it is the most subtle one. The breakthrough in my recovery happened when I discared anything I thought, anything of my original solution making. I instead trusted my wife's solutions and at first it seemed so unnecessary to agree never mind follow. See I was listening to myself previous to that, listening to my fears, doubts, and everything else wanting to protect the essence of my SELF. By ditching my self concepts and trying everything those in my support circle would offer, I found confdence and a new direction to take my life.

It is difficult for an addict to do it any other way but his or her own. It is difficult to confess to a wife, difficult to admit that we can live without the addiction, that we don't have to relapse ever again, etc.

I believe these things were difficult because part of me did not want to do it. Be it due to the fears I have or doubts I serve myself, Recovery is diffcult because when we dig to the core we just do not want to do it enough.

Thats my experience.

By the way as a side note one thing I did not ever agree with was my wife telling me I will relapse and be an addict for life.


"Recovery is a way of life FOR ME. I can't speak for you or anyone else on here. I wish it had been an EVENT and I just went on my merry way but that philosophy kept me stuck in destructive and ever-repeating patterns of abstinence, then relapse. Part of surrendering to the process of recovery for me was coming to terms with the fact that yes, at least in this life, I would be stuck with this spiritual disease. So I had better learn to live with it. I don't mean a lifetime of active addiction, Rugga. I meant a lifetime of peeling back more layers of the onion and getting to that main character flaw at the center-PRIDE. It is about my selfishness and self-centeredness. MY PRIDE. Thinking "If only everyone would only act the way I think they should act, the world would be just perfect " (You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?:)
It is not about pornography for me anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. Yes, I am still at risk but 11 years clean doesn't make me like other people. I wish it did. It is dangerous to tell people that this addiction can be removed by Heavenly Father and they can go on about their normal life like it never happened. People take that advice and end up hanging themselves in dingy motel rooms after yet another failure. I'm not being too dramatic here. If you stick around long enough you will attend the funerals of addicts who did it their way. A lot of people have asked me through the years, (family mostly) why do you still go to meetings? Why don't you just move on? Let it go? I have a lifetime of experience BEFORE recovery that tells me where that leads-back to my addiction. Accepting that recovery is a life-long process has allowed me to be a little more teachable. I recognize the Spirit. I recognize truth when I hear it. Accepting that this is the cross I must bear, opened the door to recovery for me. Not just recovery from acting out in my addiction but recovery for the damaged relationships in my wake. Recovery from the Gospel according to ME.

I guess calling myself an addict for life is more tradition than docrine. It is one little thing I do to be counted with the men that helped me out of the hellhole I was in. I believe Christ can and does heal addictions, 100%. I am happy to say that although mine is still intact it is in remission. He has already healed the most destructive aspects of my addiction and every day is a little better. My part of the bargain is to be available as a RECOVERING addict to show other addicts in the throes of their addiction that recovery is possible. That is what works for me. It is certainly not the only way but it is A way that works.

When we start out on this path we get a torrent a raw inspiration. It is a constant flood and we actually do get pretty enlightened. But sometimes all this new information starts to take on that old familiar cloak of pride and we begin to think we have not only solved our own problems but we know what is best for everyone else. The real truth is pretty easy to spot because it is in the literature of our prophets and the men and women who have recovered before us. (and most recently in the church approved ARP manual) They paved the way for us so that we don't have to make the same mistakes. I agree with Rugga, don't follow the philosophies of men. It was Heavenly Father that inspired Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob. They weren't church members but hey, it wasn't a big church problem back then and they are the ones that asked sincerely enough. The answer was the 12 Steps and a few years ago the church leadership officially agreed that the path to recovery from addiction, and recovery from the codendency that stems from the addiction of a loved one is through the 12 Steps."
posted at 01:22:52 on June 24, 2011 by Anonymous
"How do you suppose addiction is not weakness? I'm not disagreeing or passive aggressively challenging you p.s.. I just want to understand how you see it. I feel like it's a matter of definition. So i'm just asking you yours.

I see it like this: Addiction is part of weakness. Acting out/sin is the symptom of that weakness misunderstood/not understood/not turned over to God. I believe I can have that part of weakness manifest for life. God knows. For now, today, I am an addict. Regardless, I don't have to suffer the symptoms/sin/slips/relapses. As cancer of sorts, identified in the sacrament prayer, they can remain in remission through the atonement - through grace.

These days I don't really care as much about definitions and neatly compartmentalizing every facet of my understanding to be as doctrinally sound as I can make it. I'm trying to care more about what works. And all I know is that all the guys I know that have 5, 10, 20 years + sobriety still call themselves addicts. Seems to be working great for them.

On another note you said "You lust or look at porn, the spirit is not going to be with you no matter how spiritual you feel." now I'm not one to cavalierly throw around the caveats but dude, gotta say, that's your experience. I get what your saying. And really over all, I agree with the general essence of it a hundred percent. But do you think there are ever exceptions? Because there are personal cases in my life where that statement is just not true. Period. I don't think the Spirit was there or dictated, I know it was.

Shortly after I got off my mission I met my 2 half sisters unexpectedly on the same day they went to an LDS church for the first time. There they met the missionaries and were given books of mormon. As you can imagine baptism almost became a foregone conclusion. It took about nine months or so before their mom came around to letting them go through with it. Well, the day approached. It was the night prior. I was to perform both the baptisms and the confirmations. The only problem was, I spent a few hours that evening surfing porn. I felt like I could implode! Why couldn't I stop? I didn't even know I was an addict then. My siblings who had no one other then me in the church, and few in life for that matter, that they could look to as examples were to be baptized and I found myself wholly unworthy! I scrambled to call my bishop for counsel. What do you know he was out of town. What to do? What to do? This genuinely wasn't just about me embarrassing myself and putting everyone out. I would do that if I had too. I just knew it reflected on the gospel at a impressionable time for my sisters and their mom. I felt eternity hung in the balance. And I felt I had no one to turn to for answers. I went to my older cousin who I lived with up at school and implored him for a blessing. I alluded to him that I felt unworthy to baptize my sisters and why but that I couldn't get ahold of the bishop to know what to do. I don't remember what he said in the blessing only that we both felt after it's conclusion that it was the Lords will that I proceed with the baptism and blessing. I was comforted some but still unnerved.

The next morning as I entered the font I decided I was literally not doing the honors. Christ was. I suppose as I write now it was one of the first times I really sought grace. I knew I had nothing to offer. I had reached zero. I told him though I was standing there in the water he must do the baptism. I was just trying to get out of the way. And then I waited. Never in my life have I been more relieved by the Lords presents. He was there. I knew it and I could see everyone else knew it.

He confirmed them too. I could not have given those blessings. Only one who knew them could have done and said the things that were done and said.

I'm not saying that this is the way to go, for pete sake, or even that I'm right. Only that it happened and I believe it was what I think it was and based on that and other experiences I feel like blanket statements such as "You lust or look at porn, the spirit is not going to be with you no matter how spiritual you feel." are just that - blanket statements. Probably definitely better to live as though it is true always. Probably true in general. But not always true.

Some food for thought: To be totally honest, I've often wondered had I "felt" worthy that day would the baptisms have went as well as they did? Would I have sought the Lord like I did? Perhaps it would have been the same either way. But I have often fancied the fact that I should feel just as inadequate at my most "worthy" as I did that day and if the 12 steps hold true it is in that process of recognition that we gain real power and real worthiness through Jesus who is the only worthy.

Freak dude, I gotta go to bed. Thanks for letting me get my stories on paper if nothing else. Don't be pissed man. I'm not meaning to argue or throw peanuts at you lately"
posted at 04:17:41 on June 24, 2011 by they speak
Mmm Interesting Speak and anon    
"Speak what helps me is to see it as a process.

I have a weakness and I will deal with it for the rest of my life, I need to alwasy be aware, and careful of where I am, who I am speaking to and what I hear and see. That weakness will if I am not vigilant lead me to addiction. I see it that weakness is not addition but will lead me to addiction if I so choose to allow it. Thau I still hold myself accountable for my choices and can choose either captivity (addiction) or liberty (real recovery). Seing it this way allows me to use my weakness as a way to depend on my savior and not addicitve habits. Satan has played such clever games with me and there is no grey area in this process, we either choose light or darkness and light chases away darkness.

Weakness thus can lead to sin if I so choose to let it. I choose eternal life or spiritual death and one way to choose spiritual death is to sit in the Satans holding cell in chains (addiction).
Addiction is that cell designed very well to keep me captive, now that I know that, I want nothing to do with it, I will not entertain the idea that I will go back, I will not lable myself a prisoner for life because I have freedom now, I have no chains binding me but I still do have the choice to go back but it is mine to take.

If that be the case then I am free right now and addiction is a thing of the past. Is that being overconfident, I don't know, I don't think so it is just being confident that I can be free and clean for the rest of my life and if that is true I am not an addict for life.

I think it is time that I keep some strong beliefs to myself.

All I want to really say in all this is that addiction was not designed by the Lord and if that be the case perhapse we do not need to call ourselves addicts for life. I life whay Skyteam said I really do and it has worked so well for my revcovery, I am not an addict I am a child of God.

Many people have told me I like all the rest of us who have suffered from addiction am not normal like other men have have not, well I am different, I am a unique guy but I sure as heck have the same divine DNA as any other child created by the lord."
posted at 10:36:36 on June 24, 2011 by ruggaexpat
I don't mind    
"...strong beliefs. I just think if I, or someone else, expresses them we need to be prepared to hear other strong beliefs. Also, I feel I must always except that I could be wrong.

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." -Albert Einstein"
posted at 17:23:43 on June 24, 2011 by They speak
"I do not shy away from a good and fair agrument or disagreement.

Speak tell me where you think I am wrong in what I said.

There is always space for misunderstanding and errors.

Dude I don't take things personally.

I'm keen to read."
posted at 18:21:59 on June 24, 2011 by ruggaexpat
"I don't really disagree - aside from my case situation I mentioned. But even that I don't really think that is what you were talking about when you mentioned not having the spirit. Even your definition of addiction/weakness though slightly different then mine is fine by me. The important thing, the thing i'm after, is whatever works.

But if I ever do disagree, strongly, I'll let you know :)"
posted at 19:46:11 on June 25, 2011 by they speak
What a beautiful thread    
"This is the first blog that I've read on here. I was particularly drawn to the name RUGGAEXPAT since I too am doing the overseas thing. I am so excited - like butterflies in the stomach before a church ball stake championship excited - for the forthcoming stories and experiences. I'm thrilled to see such an articulate expression of self from RUGGAEXPAT and the thoughtfulness and vulnerability expressed by those with dissenting opinions. Thank you all for your willingness to share of your respective selves. RUGGA, please don't give up on sharing your feelings, strong or otherwise. This was incredibly valuable to me."
posted at 19:47:35 on September 11, 2012 by MovinForward
Great post    
"This is a great post to resurrect.

I especially loved Rugga's #4"
posted at 12:35:11 on September 13, 2012 by maddy

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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988