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i am ready for this sunday to pass.
By taintedlove
6/14/2011 10:21:30 AM
I seriously hate mothers and fathers day. Fathers day is the hardest though. The only real father figure i had died within months of marrying my mom. There are times I still grieve and am angry at the fact hes gone. And that anger shifts from him to God for taking him.

After he died i contacted the Ricki Lake show..... the producers liked my story (really it wasnt a full story like the molestation or abuse i suffered) but they knew of my stepdad. They knew i was adopted and they knew that i wanted to know. It was my dream. I wanted to be wanted.

When the producers called my mom agreed to everything. The show would fly me my mom (biological grandmother really) and the guys to new york for a paternity test. The show called both men and told them what would be on the show. Thered be no mallice.

One of the guys (the one that ive always wanyed to be my dad) wife called after the producer called them and was yelling at my mom. Then she spoke to me and told me that what happened in her husbands past needed to stay there. That i had no place in his present or future.

The other guys wife thought it was a ploy by my mom to get child support. But legally she could not ask for it because i was adopted.

This is also the guy thay molested me when i was 9 and 10. My mom allowed him in and out of my life even after i told her what he did to me. Even though i hated him..... i wanted to know

We ended up not doing the test. And that broke me.

The molestor would call me his daughter. My mom allowed him to come to mu hs graduation after i begged her not to.

But even in my adulthood i want a daddy. I sometime think if i had that father figure, i wouldnt me AS messed up as i am now.
It hurts to see a father be around his daughter willingly because nobody wanted me.
This sunday is gonna suck.

Comments:

Maybe you could help me    
"So, I too have a dad story. Nothing by comparison to be sure. Anyway, long story short my bio dad is a drug addict to the 10th power and has never really been a part of my or my little sisters life's. My sisters and I have different moms and I didn't meet them till I was 22, fresh off a mission, and they were 8 and 10. However, our stories, as far as our dad is concerned, are much the same. If anything theirs are worse because my dad was slightly more apart of their life and he's a douche bag. So, over the last 8 years my sisters and I have remained close for living 3 hours away from each other and it's been cool to be apart of their life's and visa a versa.

Anyway, yesterday I got a text from my youngest sister, now 16, saying she's is giving a talk on sunday (they joined the church shortly after I got my return missionary paws on um; much to my dads dismay - he's a quasi anti Mormon Lutheran. Next i'm gonna get his dead parent - also anti Mormons :) Boo-yah.) about fathers day. Ha! If that's not the world most hilarious irony I don't know what is. For me I could have talked about my 2 or 3 other dads that stepped in. From my gay dad who dated my mom and raised me since I was 2 to my church dad that started taking me to church when I was 12 to my grandpa that died when I was 4 and even my uncle that I lived with for 2 years in high school. I've actually in the long run had plenty of dads to go around. But my sisters on the other hand? Pfftt.

So my question to you is how would you answer this text "So. I'm doing a talk this Sunday about Fathers Day.. Got anything that I could put down?"

I hope this doesn't harrow up to much emotion for you. But I just thought maybe you could relate to my sister even better then I can. I was thinking of encouraging her to talk about her real Abba - Father in Heaven. But other then that i'm still letting the creative juices flow a little before I respond."
posted at 14:51:18 on June 14, 2011 by they speak
Honestly    
"I dont pray that much...... But when I do its more yelling/screaming than anything else. But it actually feels better. its raw emotion and im sure that an earthly father wouldnt stand for that. Idk. But i do know heavenly father does listen. He appreciates that we come to him in our most weakest moments. When we are dwindled down to nothing. Its not like i have to worry that im talking too much or how i look or if he cares about what im saying. Hes unconditional."
posted at 00:07:17 on June 15, 2011 by taintedlove
Me Too!    
"My dad was a good day, but I'm still not looking forward to Sunday. My dad died about 1.5 years ago (just after my son was born and right before Christmas). I miss him.

I'm sorry you didn't have a good dad experience. I'm glad you have a heavenly father. :) Again, I wish I had some great advice, but I don't."
posted at 02:52:42 on June 15, 2011 by dstanley
Dear sister love    
"I cannot address you by tainted because that is what the devil wants you to think. You are love, His love. You just don't know it yet.

Please listen to this conference talk. I also posted it for Dstanley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW0MIJJAGvw

Also, I want you to know that I understand the pain you feel by being hurt by just about every man in your life. It hurts when you feel that you have no family support. I have felt that for most all of my life. During my lifetime, I never had a Priesthood holder I could trust. Not a Father, a Bishop, an Uncle, kind Brother, nothing.

Through the spirit, I decided one day to turn to the other side of the veil for family support. I began looking at my family who passed before me. When I made this decision, the flood gates opened with information I never knew was there. As I began learning, I could almost see where some of the family patterns went south and where they remained strong. I found some of the most amazing and the most despicable people in my family. I discovered where the good and bad in me originated. I also saw where ugly patterns were broken.

I can see where you, like myself isolate yourself from people. Placing walls or barriers in our lives, keep the people away who can hurt us. The problem is that those same walls keep away the people who can bring light and joy to us as well. Often people say that service is the perfect remedy for addiction, loneliness, and emotional pain. I agree, but how do you serve with or for others when you are so locked in pain. My answer is Genealogy, the service I rendered that helped me so much. As I unlocked the information and began doing the work (or service), the power of that opened many doors for me and my family. I literally can feel those from the other side helping me through my pain as I help them receive the ordinances they have waited a very long time. I learned that they can help us when we help them. We are all connected.

If you cannot bring yourself to serve with your whole heart because of the walls placed in your life. You can serve quietly those beyond the veil, and they will help to unlock your pain. You do not need to be church worthy to do their temple work. You need only a computer and the willingness to help those on the other side.Then let those who are worthy do the temple work. I personally believe that the work we do for the dead is the key to unlock the pain of isolation we feel in this life. It is real power, the power of God's work.

My challenge for you is to discover this for yourself. spend 20 minutes a day looking. there are many resources, from church family search, to hundreds of genealogy websites.

I wish you joy as you discover the magic of serving those in your family who are deserving, but no longer have a body to do it for themselves."
posted at 14:25:31 on June 17, 2011 by Anonymous
I have heard    
"That Genealogy is the answer to pornography. Does anyone else have experience finding strength by doing this work?

I know it is true that Temple work can be done in many stages, even by those who are not members of the Church."
posted at 18:54:20 on June 17, 2011 by Anonymous
Yes! Amen, Me too.    
"Dear taintedlove. That tainted outer finish of yours can be buffed and polished by doing your own family history/genealogy.
My mom's dad was a womanizer and an alcoholic. Her mother was a co-dependent and took out her frustration on her own children. My mom never had a childhood.
My dad's mom was a bootlegger and had all sorts of "bad company" coming over to play cards and drink and be amused and entertained by my dad's older half sisters. What a life. My dad has a knife scar on the crown of his head from his own mother!!

I want you to know that the Spirit of Elijah will heal those wounds. He restored the Priesthood Keys of "Turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the fathers. As I have done the Temple work for these wayward kindred dead the spirit of healing and peace has filled my soul.

They did the best that they could do within the circumstances that they found themselves in. YOU ARE THE PIONEER! In the words of Sheri Dew, "NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE" YOUR MISSION IS TO BREAK THE CHAINS OF ADDICTION AND CODEPENDENCY THAT HAVE PLAGUED YOUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.

Stay very active in the LDSAR 12 step program. The Lord is making up his future leaders - leaders who are battle scared and experienced with heavy burdens. I think that one of the reasons that many LDS wives have a real hard time in coming to grips with their husbands addiction and the years of secrecy and lies is this: they have led pristine sheltered lives in strong LDS communities where these things were never heard of. It is beyond their comprehension.
I would suggest that you make family history, genealogy and Temple work a major part of your busy life. I guarantee that you will be visited by those very ancestors that have passed on a legacy of pain. Your legacy will be different. Your posterity will rise up and call you blessed. You will have the ability to reach into the hearts of other sisters who suffer and have lost all hope.

Your restoration to sanity and spiritual vitality is like taking an old tainted and tarnished automobile and restoring it to it's original beauty. A beauty that will be admired by many.
May you have a blessed day."
posted at 12:21:53 on June 19, 2011 by 3R's
Thanks Anonymous    
"Right on!"
posted at 12:22:44 on June 19, 2011 by 3R's
Hope You're Doing Well    
"Hope things are going well for you today. Remember that crying isn't a bad thing."
posted at 15:55:35 on June 19, 2011 by dstanley
You have a daddy    
"Your Father in heaven loves you, even though you hate that word. He has always loved you. you mean eternity to Him, and he knows you. He knows all about you, and loves you regardless. He made you and he will always forgive you and love you. He wants you to be with him again. He wants to help you. Happy Fathers Day."
posted at 14:26:58 on June 21, 2011 by SeminaryKid
well    
"I know God is our Heavenly father. But its hard to see him as a father. I cant feel him. I dont hear him. Im not comforted. I feel abandoned even more when i think of him as my father. Idk."
posted at 23:06:52 on June 21, 2011 by taintedlove


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990