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Wives I need to hear from you!
By momof5
6/13/2011 10:30:13 AM
My bishop met with me yesterday! He gave my husband back his temple recommend after only 6 months. I am very frustrated. He told me he has been praying and he felt like it was time for us to attend the temple. I told him this would be the first time attending the temple when it think I know my husband is worthy to go there. Anyway my bishop asked me how I am doing I told him not so good. I told him I have so much anger and hate toward my husband for lying to me and keeping his addiction secret and for looking at such horrible things and not choosing me. I also told him I have anger that heavenly father couldn't of woken up me up 11 years ago and have me catch my husband so that I could have my husband while I was having all 5 kids. While I was up at night with the babies and kids begging my husband for help he was to pre-occupied with looking at other women. I used to beg him to tell me what was wrong, why he didn't want to have sex with me, he would tell me he just didn't have any sex drive. I don't know why I never thought about porn. No, actually I do it was because I thought my husband would never do that! I put him up on a pedestal! I will never do that again. But the strange thing is I used to work from home and I would be on the computer for hours a day and I never saw any pop-ups or signs of pornography. I even checked once and I found no trace of anything. I have prayed for over a year now that I could leave my husband and move on! I have received no answer! I am frustrated because I want to be able to just move on. By the way my husband is also bi-polar and for the first time in twelve years he is finally fully medicated. He is like a completely different person. I feel like it is a little to late but then I think what if he stays medicated and never goes back to porn? Anyway I know I am rambling I was just wondering for those women who have been able to move past the anger and hate phase, could you give me some advice? I feel like I have wasted twleve years because of this porn addiction I do not want to waste anymore of my life. Also the wives out there who have decided to stick out the marriage did you get a confirmation from the lord? Or are you doing it just for the kids sake or because of other reasons? I hope I can hear from a lot of you I need this so badly right now. I feel like every women on this sight has actually been in my shoes. I know all of our stories are different but we all have felt the pain this addiction brings. Thanks for letting me get this of my chest:( I want to move on from this pain! MOMOF5

Comments:

My experience    
"Momof5 - I am in a slightly different situation. I caught my husband after just a few years, but it has taken over 13 to get the full story. I've slowly, slowly, processed the bits and pieces as they came together. Along the way, I would rock into such huge phases of anger. I left my husband twice...actually, once I left him and once I had him leave. But always I would let him back in my life. Either because of fear, financially or of being alone, because of the kids, or because of the Spirit softening my heart and my forgiveness led me to take him back. This past relapse things have been different for me. I am finally taking care of me. I am finally moving forward in my own recovery and honestly the more and more I find my way through recovery, the more divorce becomes irrelevant. I'll explain that later....

I have also felt the feelings of a wasted life. I've given him my youth and the days of my most energy. I've spent my kids youth fighting this fight instead of giving them all the attention they deserve. My health has slipped into insomnia and migraines because of the stress, and the wrinkles and the white hairs are showing up early. Yea...it has taken it's toll on me and my kids. I have distanced myself from friendships and family relations in order to keep his secrets. I postponed school and jobs for the false dream of raising a happy family together, counting on his fidelity. I've given all that an more. And at times I've wondered....what for? I have nothing in return and no guarantee that this marriage is going to work. But again....this time those questions aren't there for me. This time things are different. This time I feel the power of change and the power to live my life without regret.

Sweet momof5, I want to encourage you. You are in the darkest part of this story. There is light. The light comes when you let go of all the questions and all the pain. The joy of this story has nothing to do with whether or not your marriage works. It has nothing to do with whether your husband overcomes his addictions. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything, except you and your God.

You are suffering a form of torture right now. Your heart and your psyche is under attack. It is almost as if you are in a concentration camp. In someways your husband is one of your persecutors. There are probably others as well, if you look to see them. (I am not trying to demonize them....I am sure they are good people too, so forgive the weakness of my analogy) Your husband is not the 'jail' itself...that is something larger that only you can define for yourself. But here is the good part of the analogy.... you are a 'Viktor Frankl' type person. The meaning and the beauty of your life is not in your circumstances. It is in your spirit. It is in your free will and in your self determination of mind and emotion. The beauty of your life is in your faith.

I am not asking how to fix my marriage anymore. It isn't a question in my current repertoire. I am not asking if I should leave my husband or stay with him. I don't even think about it anymore. And while this is a new phase for me, I believe it can stay with me if I choose to nurture it. That is not to say that I think my marriage will work. I don't know that. It may go either way. I am at peace with going back to school and preparing to provide for myself because it is a very real possibility that I'll need to, but I feel no desperation or resentment about it. It is just the best thing for me to be doing right now with my life.

I feel like I've completely let go of my marriage and handed it over to the Lord. That is not to say I don't contribute to it. I am trying hard to show love and support to him, but the best way I can do that is to make sure I am healthy first. I spent the first few weeks just soul searching...it was a very selfish time for me that I completely cut my husband out of. I tried to kindly explain that he wasn't welcome in that part of my recovery. After a couple weeks I started talking to him again and I let him read some of the things I'd written and started opening up to him. I started going to ARP and working the Spouses program...I started centering myself and my spirituality. The more I healed internally, the more I opened up to other people. I was able to tell family members what was happening and share my pain and my healing with them. I was able to go to a few friends and tell them what was happening....and I was able to go to my husband and tell him too. I've been able to talk to him and our relationship, though not physical, became quite close. He was working on his recovery and I was working on mine. We've met in the middle and shared our different and similar experiences.

I don't react to his hard times. He almost relapsed recently and I found as he told me about it that I felt nothing but compassion for a child of God that was struggling. I felt the same as when I am in ARP and someone is talking about their relapse. I felt like I do when I read on here that someone is struggling. I felt empathy. I did NOT feel anger or burdened at all. It was his...not mine. I was not personally threatened by his pain. And you know what else? I have to force myself to even remember it so I can write this...no part of my brain is dwelling on it.

I can love him unconditionally. I can treat him with compassion and friendship no matter what....literally no matter what. I wont stay married to him unconditionally, but I'll have faith that Heavenly Father will take care of that if that time comes. Right now I am so busy with recovery that it doesn't seem the right time to even question that.

Love yourself Momof5. Look deep inside and see where the real internal pain is coming from because it is not coming from your husbands addiction....
If you can find that source and let the Lord heal it, then there is nothing that can rob you of your peace. No matter what external affliction comes your way.

I do not know if my experience is helpful, but here it is. May God bless you and me as we find our way!

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances - to choose one's own way." - Viktor Frankl"
posted at 11:57:01 on June 13, 2011 by maddy
THIS IS STILL HOW I FELL AND KNOW!    
"I copied and pasted this comment from one of my earlier blogs. There is another one i feel can help you. Click on my name and them scroll down to my favorites. Dear Crushed Own your Anger. This will also be helpful to you. I have been a missionary in the PASG'S program. ARP program for spouses whose husbands have sexual addictions. I have been doing this for 18months and I have seen at least 60 sisters come and go. Those that give at least a year to the recovery process are receiving healing even if their husbands are not. Those that do not stay with it do not heal and usually come back in a few months in a much darker place.

Here is what I think..........There had to be something you loved about your men before you married them! Take a minute, think about what attracted you tho them in the first place..hummmm! It may be hard because of your current emotional state, but try hard.

I understand the negative characteristics that your husbands displayed before your discovery or disclosure what ever your situation. These addicted men are not what we signed up for, what we prayed for, what we expect, or deserve. It has been my experience almost all of those negative characteristics stem from or are rooted in his addiction. Some could be family of origin? Through the healing process if ALL aspects of the addiction are addressed you can have a bright and shinny new husband. Better than the one you thought you were getting when you gave yourself to him and he to you. Your husbands like mine are Sons of the living God. His DNA runs in their veins just as it does in yours and mine. We are children of God. We have greatness beyond our mortal understanding running through our Soul. Could there be anything better than one who has been perfected through the blood of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Do I believe this miracle? Yes, I am experiencing it. Was it immediate, No! Did it take commitment and work on both our parts, Yes! Are we finished yet, NO! Do I still suffer, Yes, but much less and less frequently.

How bad do you want it? If you do not want it then stop torturing yourself and your spouse. If you want to love again, if you want to forgive, if you want a celestial marriage while still living in mortality, it is going to take work. That is the Gospel, ACTION. It is not passive, or manipulative.

Recovery for a couple requires two things. First each individual, man and wife, need to be working on their own recovery. Doing all the necessary daily's.
Prayer, morning and night,
Spending time in recovery material and scriptures( at least 15 min.)
calling your support or accountability person daily
attending meetings,( ARP, PASG, PASGS, SA, AA, etc.....)
Prayer again at night

This is the bare minimum required for active recovery for each man and wife. There should also be journaling, regular church attendance (the whole block), temples attendance, fasting......exercise, taking better care of yourselves with proper nutrition, sleep, etc.... individual therapy with one who is certified in sexual addiction.

If the couple is dealing with Intimacy Anorexia or Sexual Anorexia, this effects both the husband or the wife, then this also needs to be addressed. I can testify that if your husband is an Intimacy or Sexual Anorexic, you will not heal, your wounds will be opened daily. This issue HAS to be addressed if the couple is serious about wanting to heal. There has been much posted about this on this blog. You can do some research and find info here, or if you want more I will give it to you.

Then there is the work on the marriage.
Prayer daily morning and night as couple,
sharing feelings daily (there is an exercise for this)
positive affirmations daily with eye contact
agreements on finances, who is responsible....
agreements on sex, frequency, when, how , where, taking turns initiating....always with a light on, eye contact, nurturing conversation.
Weekly dating ( come hell or high water) taking turns on who plans.

Man Recovery, Woman Recovery, Couples Recovery...those are the three legs to the recovery stool. If you do not complete all three and ones is left undone then when you sit down or put any weight on that stool it will topple.

This is what I did and am doing. Are we perfect at it yet? NO. Do we continue to work? Yes.
Is my marriage better than it has EVER been in the 40 years before this happened? ABSOLUTELY!
Do I feel we are closer to a Celestial marriage? Yes, we are, and I am grateful for this opportunity to work on this now and not have to waste time in the eternities because I know what work we do on our eternal salvation while in this mortal state is much easier to accomplish in this life than it will be in the next.

So Sisters; BUILD BOUNDARIES, NOT WALLS.
BELIEVE BEHAVIOR, NOT WORDS, addicts lie.
Trust the guidance you SEEK from the Savior and your Heavenly Father and the Holy Spirit."
posted at 13:35:48 on February 8, 2011 by hero"
posted at 12:53:44 on June 13, 2011 by hero
To answer your specific questions    
"Your response to your husbands disciplinary action being lifted is normal. You have to have faith in the Lords plan. I prayed for my priesthood leaders that they would hear the will of the Lord and do it. So when the time came that my husbands discipline was lifted and the Bishop asked me what I thought, even though my brain was going through ugly thoughts, I said, "I have been praying for you to know the will of the Lord. I have put my faith in your decision and I will continue to pray that my will will be in accordance with the Lords. He knows better than I the end from the beginning. He know better than I , especially, what is best for us."

Do not let the past hold the future hostage! The fact is that many addicts medicate their bad brains. Many suffer from bad chemistry in their brains that comes from no fault of their own other than genetics. So yes, you should take confidence and encouragement in the fact that he has gotten the help that he needs to help his chemistry in his brain normalize. That he does not have to self medicate to feel some sense of normalcy. But, I do not believe that is all that is needed for recovery. I believe what I described above for recovery is the bare minimum.

There is a story in Dr. Hilton's book, He Restoreth My Soul, where a woman is contemplating what to do with her marriage. This story gave me courage. She said that the Spirit spoke to her and said, "Your Husband will heal from this addiction, I will heal him, do you want to be there when he is healed." Not exact quote but close.

Well, in the beginning the Lord told me to leave! What, that is not what I wanted to hear. I was going to help him get better. I would help him confess, I would help him repent, I would make sure he was doing the right things to have recovery. He needed me! WRONG! but that is where I was at. So I stayed. I was not strong enough yet to be able to accept the will of the Lord and do it. If I had followed the will of the Lord maybe his recovery would have been expedited because of consequences he would have had to face. Socially, emotionally etc.... I do not know.
The Lord will not take away our agency. I know He was also angry with my husband. I now know that I am strong enough to do the Lords will. I pray for it daily, that I will be able to know his will and do it. My recover is my strength along with the companionship of my Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.

It has been 2 years almost to the date since discovery. We as a couple are in a good place. husband is the eternal companion I had only dreamed of. We continue to work at our recovery.
I recognize the blessings that my Heavenly Father has reigned down upon me and my family. When we do what He asks we are blessed. He is bound by His words and our actions.

Pray, Pray, Pray.....
Love and Prayers,"
posted at 13:33:10 on June 13, 2011 by hero
So much good things the sisters above have posted    
"It really is inspiring to read you both and I really am grateful you are on this site. I remember your posts Hero when I was dying emotionnally. How you have helped me along the way with many others.
Dear mom of 5, I am not quite as advanced in my recovery as these dear sisters. But I remember, last year, the whole year walking in your shoes, wanting to kick him out of the house on a dayly basis and almost succeeding once or twice. It is true as you work on your own recovery, your life gets better and better and you heal more and more. I stayed because of the kids, and because I did not want to make a rushed decision. I told myself I will give it a year to sort myself out and figure things out emotionnally, spiritually, etc. Most of the anger and the anguish has gone. And the resentment is slowly going. I feel like the pain has tutored me and I have grown so much. I am not in love with my husband, but I am trying to see him as a child of God, to love him like a brother, to be a real friend. If a friend was going trough what he is going trough I would be helpful and have compassion. What really helped me, was to detach from his addiction, to see it for what it was. Big mistakes made by a messed up and broken man. Nothing was personal and intended towards inflincting me pain, I was just in the way, got caught in the line of fire. I realised there was not much he could do to fix things and staying angry at him did not help anyone. I had to turn to GOd, only he could heal me, and my healing was and is my responsibility. I understood that clearly and knew that I had to workd to get better.
When I read Maddy analogy to the concentration camp, it made me smile, because I also taught of myself as being a hero. I have felt many time like the Gladiator (with Russel Crowe), a man who chooses who he is going to be no matter what the circumstances are like for him. I think about Joseph in Egypt, how he was betrayed many times, thrown in prison, but always stayed truth to God and to himself. How he always strived to be his best self no matter what. I did not like the person I had become because of my codependent behaviors, the feelings inside me. I knew that I had to change, I wanted to be someone I could be proud of, my children could emulate and Heavenly Father wanted me to be. I spent almost an entire year, just dealing with my anger, trying to direct it to God, dealing with it in therapy, learning to control my thoughts.
When I would start to think (what a liar, pig, etc..), I would cacht myself and go and writte my feelings, analyse why I was gettting angry, what was happening to me. Also, Hero had given me great tips in dealing with anger. Writting it down and reading it aloud and reaping it and hit a pillow, scream. etc... Oh, I also did some running to release the negative energy and it really helped. I do not really enjoy it but you should have seen me running as I got angry, I set some records for myself. So to sum up, here are some pointers from my survival plan:
DETACH
Deal with anger and learn to deal with it in appropriate ways
Loose yourself in ARP
Pray and pray
Do take care of yourself and do nice things for yourself....
Give yourself time to think. Tell yourself you do not have to make a decision right now, give yourself time to heal and to get back on your feet before your make a decision, it can be a year or two or more....
And you are absolutely normal, the pain you feel is normal under the circumstances and I wish we could all be there for you, to talk some more and support you.
love
crushed"
posted at 20:26:58 on June 13, 2011 by crushed


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981