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Where are all the spouses?
By MOMOF5
6/6/2011 10:17:35 AM
I think I have come to the conclusion that I will stay with my husband because of the kids and until I get my nursing degree! Then I will see how the situation is then. To be honest I love things about my husband but when it comes to our relationship it feels to far destroyed to be able to repair it fully. And most of the couples on here the spouses started when they were younger. My husband started two years after we got married and he was exposed to porn on the internet. I asked him the other day if i would have caught you sooner would you have stoppped back then. He says probably so if only I would have caught him years ago instead of ten years down the road. Is this the spouses responsibility to catch the spouse and make him stop? Also my husband and I have the discussion whether looking at porn is cheating on a spouse I say that it is but he says it was not because it wasn't being with another person. Also I am trying to help my husband be medicated with his mental illness and that is another trial. I wish I could just feel a little bit of healing for myself. I want to be the mom I used to be before my world was shattered by my husband. I f I was to move on and just be a single mom of 5 do you think I would be judged someday for that? Anyway sorry for rambling!

Comments:

How I feel.    
"I did far worse than your husband. I am accepting that as a consequence of my actions, that my wife may not be able to pull out of this. Heck- I may not be able to achieve recovery. I have my own host of issues where I may not be able to believe that she loves me and has forgiven me or that I'm good enough for her. This makes me want to leave the relationship. There are a lot of possibilities both good and bad.

I do believe that faith powers our ability to change probabilities. If I'm exercising faith on the idea that my relationship will fail, it probably will. I'm going with faith that I will heal and that my wife will heal. My vision is that my relationship will blossom in the future with a deep intimacy that transcends sex. I want to be comfortable sharing with her all of my pains, doubts , good things, etc and know that I'm safe. I'm not there yet. It will take years. I owe years of trying to my family.

I know most couples that want to heal, do heal and their relationship achieves new levels of intimacy. They just aren't on this site anymore :-) I want to be them.

I can respond to you husbands comment that he could have quit if you caught him earlier. I was the same way. I regret that I was a coward and I while knew what I was doing was bad , I couldnt stop. I couldnt face the shame of self disclosure. I would pray to get caught. I was in crazy cycles of shame and control. I was a great addict. I could fake emotions at church. Ugh. It was so horrible. I never learned how to confess anything ever unless it was part of a spin.

For me, acting out was a symptom of the deep issue. I did not feel worthy to be loved. I did not feel that plain old me was worthy of respect by anyone. I could love others and I believe in unconditional love -- for others. I worked hard at my jobs and school because I would get external praise from them . But getting acceptance from my relationships that matter, I personally was unworthy of it. I couldn't share my pain with anyone lest they judge me harshly. I learned how to hide it when I was young and never grew out of it. When I was stressed out or happy or anything, I couldn't share those details with my spouse. This was how I learned to not be vulnerable to people hurting me. I never provided details that could be used against me.

Now that Im in early recovery, Im learning to share my feelings and to be perfectly honest. (its really hard) I have to let myself be vulnerable and learn to deal with it. When I disclose acting out or feelings, my wife is good at grabbing those bits that are tender and put them back in my face over and over again. It feels like my mother and triggers me something fierce. the difference is that I cant run and hide and medicate anymore. I have to communicate and process and apologize. I sometimes wish she would beat me with a belt and get some satisfaction from it because I deserve it. remember sex addicts -- we all struggle feeling unlovable.

To answer your question if people will judge you if you leave -- yes. Everyone will judge you. that's what people do -- whether they dwell and act on that judgment. you will be justified. some will stay you were strong for leaving. some that you weren't strong enough to stay with a sick spouse. some will pity you. But all that really matters is how you judge yourself. There is no prosecutor at the judgment bar -- we will all be our own prosecutor. Good thing we have the Savior as our defender instead of a public defender.

Good luck in your recovery. "
posted at 10:58:57 on June 6, 2011 by hurtallover
Not sure what to say    
"Momof5 - I want to tell you that I can tangibly see your pain when I read what you are writing. I want to tell you that I believe that there is hope. I want to tell you that no one is ever too far gone. And there is never anyone so broken that they can't be healed to a pure and perfect state. I want to tell you to have faith that if and when it is time to end your marriage that the Lord will tell you that...just have faith in Him. I want to tell you to not carry the burden of other peoples judgements, because you have enough on your plate. I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to just work on yourself. Do not look back and wonder what YOU could have done to fix your husband...just find a way to build your relationship with the Lord and truly accept your total powerlessness over your husbands addiction and give it all up to Christ. Past and present...you have always been powerless over this. Do not regret something that you had and have no control over.

But as soon as I try to type out those thoughts they get jumbled. That is the readers digest version of my hopes and prayers for both you and me. So I will just leave it simple and in short choppy sentences.

I am so sorry for all you are going through."
posted at 11:17:07 on June 6, 2011 by maddy
opinion    
"Is this the spouses responsibility to catch the spouse and make him stop?

No way it is the addicts and only the addicts.

Porn watching = CHEATING?

A resounding YES!, concealing any truth is cheating in any way shape or form.

Judged for leaving the relationship?

Children will come to their conclusions when the moment of truth arrives so yes they will be your harshest critics.
The Lord - well lets leave that to him but if I were a judge for your case or any spouse in your shoes, I would think you have every right under the sun to leave a husband who would rather "cheat" than face the truth!

Momof5, you will never be the same person you were, you will be a million times more spectacular in every way!"
posted at 15:13:49 on June 6, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Momof5    
"Beautiful sharing and insights you have received here. Please take this valuable wisdom and process what is being shared here.

Get to work on you! Your Children need you. The addict is uncomfortable with out a co-addict. He will either heal or move on. Either way, You need to be healthy.

When we know better, we do better!

Love,"
posted at 19:25:07 on June 6, 2011 by hero
Literature    
"Deseret Book has a book called "Love You, Hate the Porn." Perhaps this will help you."
posted at 20:11:23 on June 6, 2011 by Anonymous
Dido to what the women here are saying    
"Work on yourself. Detach from him and his actions. Detach so you can heal. The book: Codependent no more helped me a lot by Melody Beatie.
As you learn to detach, and you process your feelings and anger. You will gradually feel better and happier, yes even with him under your roof. I also had decided to stay for the kids and made a real focus to concentrate on myself. I believed that my live was over and I will be this broken thing for ever. I gradually started to feel better as I worked on my Healing and recovering. The marriage still is broken and I do not trust him a second or any word that comes out of his mouth. But oh I feel so much better, I started to concentrate again and find joy in my children, my friends, family & my life. My anger went down and so did the contention in the home. Why have I got to be crazy when he is? I did not want to be that women anymore that was playing his co-addict. Detachment was not easy but it gradually came as I will tell myself that his addiction was not personal. Is not personnal. I just got caught in between. My life is not limited to what happens on this earth, there is so much more, there is eternity. I believe in God, that he is so much more powerful than this and will be able to make my life whole as I do my part, wheter I am with the hubby or not.
As well, I have been lately thinking about the Savior and that maybe and perhaps this was my test here on earth, my challenge to learn to forgive. In learning to forgive this, I would be refined and become more like my savior. (Forgiveness does not mean for me that the marriage is on, it means that I no longer resent him for it. And no longer expect him to repair my heart and life, anyways he can't). That attitude made such a difference, it allows me to see him as a child of God who struggles a lot. His sins are between him and the Lord. His recovery as well. I can now have more compassion towards him and he has lost his power to drive me completely up the wall (thou he still does but more rarely now).
There is hope, you can begin to heal with Christ.
hugs
Crushed"
posted at 22:08:55 on June 6, 2011 by Anonymous
Not Your Fault!    
"It's not your fault he started, and not your fault you didn't catch him sooner. I've never considered porn and masturbation cheating, but I didn't grow up in the church and my first husband was the one who introduced me to both. I can see where it would be considered cheating though. You're having a sexual experience without your spouse. You will probably be judged by some rather you stay with him or not. I'm not trying to sway you either way, but know that being a single mom is a tough road too. If your husband is trying, I would encourage you to give him a chance. If he's not making any effort, you and your kids may be better off without him. Only you can know the answer to that question though. I hope your husband makes the effort and makes changes. I wish that either of mine would have been willing to do that. Of course my second one had other major issues besides his addiction, including being emotionally abusive (actually my first one kind of was too). It's hard on my oldest to be back and forth, but he improved so much when we moved out. If I could keep him away from his dad totally it would be even better. It's a hard road either way. I wish you the best, and good luck on your nursing degree. You can do it!"
posted at 23:53:30 on June 6, 2011 by dstanley
THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU!    
"You guys are so awesome! I needed to hear what you had to say today! My husband is trying to make things better between us but I am fighting it. I am so glad I have you guys because then I don't feel so alone. MOMOF5"
posted at 00:28:31 on June 7, 2011 by Anonymous


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

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General Conference May 1990