What a Nightmare
By dstanley
6/2/2011 12:27:58 AM
It's been a rough couple weeks, so I haven't been able to get on here much.

I relapsed in a big way, with the guy I struggled to not meet up with a few weeks back. We texted back and forth a bunch, met up briefly, and then a week ago Tuesday night he spent the night and we had sex. I told him it was over the next day and deleted all the text messages. I've been sober since (today's Day 7). I've got a Dr's appt scheduled for the first round of STD testing (the rest has to wait 3-4 months). I met with my bishop on Sunday. I can't take the sacrament and there will likely be a disciplinary council. I'm a little frustrated with my bishop because he totally doesn't get addiction. He gave me the prayer and scripture study will fix everything speech. I met again with my addiction counselor today, and that meeting has my head spinning. He asked me if I needed to go back to rehab and I said I didn't know. I kind of wish I could. I miss the ability to focus on recovery. Right now I feel like I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Anyways, he also asked me to consider getting rid of my Internet access at home for at least 6 months. My reaction to that has made it clear to me that I'm not at the point of being willing to do WHATEVER I need to do for my recovery. That scares me. I want to be willing, but I'm not and I don't know how to get there. I haven't had any urges since last week, until now that is. They're through the roof. I'm trying to not give in to the feeling that I can't do this. I can't afford to give up. I can't afford to keep slipping. I can't help but feel like like I totally blew it though. I've pushed out going to the temple. I've pushed out being able to date. Who knows what's going to come out of the disciplinary council and the STD tests. Do I have what it takes to recover from this addiction?



Would you take out this far    
"Were your kids in the home?

Bringing a stranger home, may put them at risk. You could lose them in a big way.

Sometimes it looks like you want to tell God how it is done. If and addiction specialist tells you to dump the internet, do it now. It is poison in your life. Get rid of it before you really see damage to your kids. You crossed a line and you cannot control what happens now.

Your children deserve a mom who is alive and well. They deserve safety in your care. You are a mother, please do whatever it takes to give them a better life.

You are an amazing daughter of god and you deserve better.

I don't mean to upset you at all, but STEP ONE ~ HONESTY

Please dump all of the distractions which are feeding you're addiction. You and your kids are so worth it."
posted at 07:43:26 on June 2, 2011 by Anonymous
They Were    
"I thought it was a line I wouldn't cross, but yes my kids were home. It was a dumb move, especially to have him spend the night afterwards.

I just keep asking myself what about my job and what about my son? I've had to work from home in the past. What would I tell my boss if that need arises and I can't do it? How do I tell my son he can't play his computer game at my house anymore? What if my mom finds out? How do I explain to her without telling her I had a guy over while the kids were sleeping? I keep telling myself there must be another way."
posted at 08:28:46 on June 2, 2011 by dstanley
It wont stop until you hit rock bottom and want change more than anything else in the world    
"I feel for you. It's a tough addiction. I just went through a DC and it was fine. It didnt feel like a punishment but more of a focus on becoming a new me. Dont get trapped on what you cant do. It's what you are willing to do. My sponsor told me that until you are willing to do ANYTHING to stop, it's unlikely you will stop. A lot of the therapy was to help me to cement in my mind that I was willing to do whatever it took to change. "
posted at 09:52:09 on June 2, 2011 by Hurtallover
"Don't be afraid of what others will say. Don't be afraid of bosses, or your mom, or people at church. You can do this.

Is it possible that this addiction grows because you don't know how wonderful you really are? Is it possible that it has hold of you because you don't know your true worth? Is it possible that you find it impossible to rid yourself fully because your self esteem is too low? Is it possible that your self esteem is low because you define your self by what others think of you? Is it possible that all you are seeking is acceptance and love from others even though there is only one, The One, who can truly fill that need in your life? I think maybe now I am speaking more to myself than anyone else and I don't mean to judge, because I could be totally off base, but I think this is probably a common thread for all of us here. Not just here, but the whole world.

I think it is possible to take our eyes off the world and 'have an eye single' to our Father in Heaven. We need to worry about what He thinks of us and not what the people in our life think of us. He gave everything for us. What are we willing to give for Him?

Turn to Him and I know he can make you whole. Hugs!"
posted at 14:41:40 on June 2, 2011 by maddy
My Thinking    
"I met with my other counselor today. I'm thinking there are other ways of keeping me out of trouble other than disconnecting my acess entirely. I can put filtering software on my coomputer (that someone else has the password to) and block my access to the site I go to to chat with guys. I think that's the essence of what my counselor wants, for me to not be able to pick up guys.

Maddy - My self esteem is indeed low. I was looking for a guy to want me. When the guy came over, we started just cuddling, and I think I could have been fine with that. I just wanted someone to be with. I'm scared to death of being alone, of no one wanting a sex addict with 2 kids and 2 exes, of raising my boys alone, of not being good enough. When that fear builds up, I look for guys to counter that. All of a sudden I'm popular and everyone wants me. For a while I feel good, until I start think about what I'm doing. Then I feel lousy about myself again, like I do now. I'm embarrassed by my recent choices.

I want to recover. I'm just not sure I'm willinvg to do ANYTHING. I'm not sure I trust God enough, and I don't know how to get there."
posted at 18:11:36 on June 2, 2011 by dstanley
don't worry you can move on from this and keep doing the right    
"i know how you feel about what you said about your bishop that he doesn't understand addiction,i feel like that too.I wish my bishop was more sentimental instead of being so cold but maybe he's truly sad and disappointed!? but that doesn't matter don't focus on that focus on your addiction and focus on getting better. Don't worry about your future worry about now and what you are today. My dad tells me ever day i'm sober its like adding a block to a giant structure and every time i slip it's me knocking down that giant structure. He tells me if i die i'll be judged for what i am today not what i was in the past if that is truly is in the past. So don't worry about the future focus on today. " I can't help but feel like like I totally blew it though" you didn't blow its the devil he just wants to make you feel that way.So don't worry you can move on from this and keep doing the right.I hope i've helped in some way,i wish you good luck."
posted at 21:34:40 on June 2, 2011 by Teddy
"I'm trying to focus on my addiction. I told my counselor that I sometimes wish I could go back to rehab where I could spend all my time working on my recovery. It's hard to focus on my recovery when some days (or most days) I feel like I'm doing all I can just to get through the day. There is so much going on in my life. I know I didn't blow it. I did delay being able to date and going to the temple. I just hope to do those things in this lifetime. It is just so hard to be hopeful right now. I'm scared. I don't yet know how all this last relapse has changed things.
posted at 00:10:21 on June 3, 2011 by dstanley
You get to choose    
"However this changes things is up to you.

Let me explain: we don't always get to choose the consequences of our actions, of course. But you do get to choose how this will affect you. You get to decide what this will impact in YOU. You have the power to determine the course.

Dstanley - I sometimes think of leaving my husband. In some of my more unhealthy inner dialog I think to myself "But I want to be married and have someone LOVE me. Who would want me though with all my years of baggage? Who would want a thirty something old woman with three kids and an ex-husband?" Woooooaaaaaa.... stop the train and get off that ride!

I am a wonderful person. My children are wonderful. Our lovability is not defined by who wants to be in our lives and who doesn't. Do I want to be married in a healthy, romantic and furfilling relationship? Heck yes! And that is right to want, but I am not defined by whether I have it or not, because honestly that is out of my control because it takes two to make a good relationship. Right now I don't have that. But I am still a wonderful person. I am still lovable. And more importantly, I am still loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved by my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. Even when I am NOT lovable, I am loved.

You are loved. You are not your problems. You are not your baggage. You are wonderful and amazing.

I think there is a time and a place to get away from the 'real world' and just focus on you. I've never really had that chance, other than a few hours at a time, to close up and just totally focus. It sounds appealing. If you need to go back to rehab then go if you can. Either way though, I believe that Heavenly Father has given you the ability to break the chains and live with real joy in your heart."
posted at 10:15:25 on June 4, 2011 by maddy
I Can Relate    
"I doubt my past few weeks were as rough as yours (I don't have kids to take care of), but I know where you're coming from. Things got hectic and I got stressed (burnt out, even) and so I relapsed a few times. The thing is, when life stresses you out, trying to do anything spiritual seems like a chore (for me) and so I put it off and try to cope with my other, seemingly more immediate needs. Part of me knows that focusing on the spiritual first would be best, but I'm too weak to do it.

I don't blame you or judge you for your relapse. We all want to feel loved and wanted. I've struggled against that need all my life. I'm not socially inept. I'm not a stereotypical loner, the gamer geek who lives in his parents' basement, or anything like that. I can be quite social in social situations, but I just can't connect and it isolates me and as a result I feel so lonely and so I return to my addiction for comfort. It's like...I know they say that God is always there for us, but it doesn't always feel like it, ya know? Maybe it's just me.

I've thought the same things as you--"What woman would want me, the addict that I am? If they knew the real me, they'd be repulsed. I'm not worthy of anyone's attention, let alone their love." I have to tell you, though, that just from what I've read of your blogs, you sound like a wonderful woman. And even knowing what I know about you, I'd be okay with all of it. Maybe it's just because I'm messed up too. Ha ha. But who better to understand you than someone else who's going through the same thing? Well, similar. I guess not exactly the same.

I don't know that getting rid of the internet entirely will solve the problem. You'll still have that need for someone to want you. Getting rid of the past method of going about obtaining that won't fix the problem. I don't know exactly what would, but I really don't think avoidance is the right answer here. If any of us want something badly enough, we'll find a way to get it. There's that program called Covenant Eyes (maybe you've already heard of it) that doesn't necessarily block websites, but it uses another person as your accountability partner and tells them every place you visit on the internet. I don't know about you, but just knowing that someone else would know where I've been would be a HUGE deterrent for me. I need to get with that myself, to be honest.

And remember that your bishop is just a man. My bishop is a really good guy, but he hasn't exactly helped me out with my struggle either. I went to him several months ago and confessed and thought that he'd want to set up weekly meetings at the very least, but he hasn't. Only a week ago did he make contact with me to meet again. It seems odd he wouldn't be more on top of it, but what do I know? Besides, I don't want to rely on my bishop for recovery. I don't want to rely on therapy or rehab or medication or anything like that. Real recovery only comes through Christ. To be honest, I'm doing terrible with my recovery right now. Life has a way of getting in the way. I hate that. If you can, do away with as many distractions as possible, things you can do without. If TV can go, get rid of it. If you have a credit card debt, focus on paying it off. Just do it one thing at a time. De-clutter your life so that only the really important things (your boys, your spirituality, etc.) are left.

Geez, I need to take my own advice. I hate that all my advice tends to be what I need the most. Ha ha. Oh well. You can do it. Sorry this was lengthy. I tend to ramble."
posted at 22:27:36 on June 5, 2011 by Zero
You're Right    
"@Maddy - Thanks for reminding me that the fact that there isn't a man in my life doesn't make my kids or I any less loveable. Some day, a good guy will see our loveability. I just have to figure out how to hold it together until then. I hope you and your husband are able to turn your relationship in to all you want it to be.

@Zero - Funny you should say that you'd be OK with it all because I was thinking the same thing as I was reading. I hope it's not just being an addict that makes us OK with someone else's imperfections. Ironically, I have Covenant Eyes on my computers. It wasn't enough, besides I rat myself out to my accountability partners before the report comes out anyways. It has been a deterrent in the past, and I highly recommend it, it just wasn't enough when the urges got strong enough. My bishop's a good guy, I just don't think he gets addiction. I know you don't want to rely on things for recovery, but those things can help. I don't know where I'd be without my meds and therapy. None of it solves the problem, but it is helping. Ultimately you have to solve the problems that led you to addiction. If you can do that without therapy, great. I know I can't though. I'm going to see if my counselor thinks filtering my Internet would get the results he's looking for. I'm working to pay off my debts, but with two kids and only getting partial support for the one, and two exes that owe me about $30,000 total, it's hard. I haven't payed my mortgage in almost a year. If it doesn't get modified to a low enough payment I'll be living with my mother who hates the church. You can do this too! We can all get through this."
posted at 00:54:38 on June 6, 2011 by dstanley

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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay