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I need help healing!!!
By momof5
5/30/2011 10:31:07 PM
It has been a year since I caught my husband looking at porn. He was addicted in secret for 10+ years. He has quit cold turkey. I even after a year cannot get past it. He says I am more angry now then the day I caught him. I have prayed daily. read my scriptures, and pleaded with my heavenly father to know what to do. Everytime I look at my husband I feel different about him. He decided to move out yesterday and get his own apartment. He wants to be done because he says that I will never be able to move past it. Honestly I don't know if I will be able to. I have five small children and I know if we get divorced it will devastate them. I have a question for all the addicted men out there. Is there anything I could have done different so that my husband who not have chosen this path? If only I would have caught him sooner I could have saved this family. The part that hurts me the most is the lying, why didn't he come to me. I know I have to forgive him but I just need time and I don't think he is willing to give it to me. I think my heart is permantly broken! I wanted the eternal family but I didn't ever think I would have this in the path. Why couldn't I have helped my husband sooner with this choice he made. I am so confused! Sorry this is so long I just needed to vent tonight.

Comments:

Answer:    
"No"
posted at 22:50:31 on May 30, 2011 by they speak
Nothing you could have done    
"Im still early in my own recovery so hardly the expert. I suspect some of the more experienced people will chime in as well. I'm really sorry for the pain you are suffering. I pray for everyone suffering in this addiction.

I agree with TheySpeak. There is nothing you could have done. The problem was never you. It was him. The acting out is almost always symptoms of more core emotional issues. I look at my own situation and I wish I could explain why I did what I did when I loved my wife. I can't -- that's the insanity. I let my porn addiction go much further than porn and I am amazed.

I would suspect that people that are in "True Recovery" probably do heal faster than the victims. They have made the the change in their life and are on constant vigilence lest they fall into it again. That is a great question for the people on the board.

I would suggest the following:

1. From what I've read, It takes time. 2-5 yrs to heal a relationship. I cant comment on your husbands actions. A year doesn't seem long enough.

2. Neither of you can heal on your own. Impossible. You both need help. Hopefully your husband is going to meetings and continually working on it.

3. You need to heal independently from him with your own timeline. Read some of posting history from some of the women on this board.

I wish you the best. May you find peace and serenity as you surrender your will to the Lord. "
posted at 06:34:13 on May 31, 2011 by Anonymous
So very, very, very sorry    
"My husband and I have separated twice because of this. My heart hurts for you.

I agree with what has been said above. No...there was nothing you could have been done. I have done everything wrong with anger and 'emotional punishments' and it made no difference...I did everything right, with treating my own wounds, going to therapists, letting my life fall into the hands of the Savior....it didn't make a difference with his addiction. It isn't about you. There is nothing YOU could have done. You are powerless over him and over this situation.

I learned for myself with an abusive parent (different situation, but I think the same thing applies) that forgiveness also has nothing to do with whether or not the person who transgressed repents or not. Forgiveness is a separate from whether or not they make restitution. It only has to do with you and your Savior. That is a journey that you will go on with Christ and no one else. It will happen in the timeline and in the way that is best for you.

I learned from my experience with the parent that Christ does not always change our hearts and give us the peace of forgiveness right away. We have to work for it, because there is something for us to learn. It is with held when it is the best way that He can HELP us. I spent a long time trying to discover why I couldn't forgive and the answers startled me and they had nothing to do with my abuser.

Whether or not your husband gives you time to heal or not, your Savior will give you time. There is nothing that you can do about your husband, but there is plenty that Christ can do for you. I was going to say, "Have faith in yourself that you'll get there." but then I changed my mind, and instead I'll say, Have faith in HIM that you'll get there.

<3"
posted at 15:24:04 on May 31, 2011 by maddy
I will pray for you dear mom of 5    
"I know it must be an impossible situation. I will hate for my husband to put pressure on me to forgive him and as he says move on with the marriage. My husband again, last week was hinting that it is time to move on, i kindly reminded him that it took him 10 years to recover, do I not deserve some time to recover as well? This has been the most traumatising event of my life and I am still grieving!!!! What has really helped my husband understand is our therapist!! He has been great and told my husband that it takes about 2 years to recover and he was not suprised that it was taking so long. It took a whole year to sort my anger out and resentment and only now can I look at him without anger. But I have not forgiven him yet, anger is gone but now, I am going trough sadness and acceptance. I can I forgive something I am still processing. I think the Lord knows I want to forgive, I pray about it and do all the ARP exercises but it is taking a long time. It is testing my husband's patience. And we know that addicts are not very patient, they are used to immediate gratification. I think that is how the Lord is refining my husband as well. However, you can not control anyone's reactions, if he is threatening you, it is his choice, if he decides that his needs comes first, you can not control that either. You have to surrender him and his choices to the Lord and do the best you can. Knowing the Lord will take care of you. Do you have a therapist? There are good ones through LDS services.
hugs and prayers
crushed"
posted at 20:03:09 on May 31, 2011 by Anonymous
My thoughts    
"I was about to post a comment, then I read Crushed's post and I am not kidding when I say that it was my same post, only better. So here are a few more thoughts:

I am praying for you, as this will be one of the hardest trials you will ever endure. People who have not been through this, have a hard time understanding how much a husband's addiction messes with your mind, and breaks your heart.

Knowing the truth changes everything and in a way you are forced to keep a secret you didn't even know you had before discovery. It is very confusing.

I am working my steps daily, and like Crushed I am still trying to wrap my mind around this reality.

A woman in my ward approached me a while ago and said these kind words; " I can see that you have been suffering for a long time, and I want you to know that although I don't know what your trial is, I care about you, and am here if you need me". Oh how I wish I could open up and tell her everything, but I just can’t
My personality has changed and everything about my life has been flipped upside down. People see that I am not the same, but don't know why. It is generally unspeakable in all social situations (with the exception of ARP).

Not exactly something you just get over in a year.

I am slowly learning and growing from this trial. It has been a year and a half since discovery and my husband is healing and changing too. We are both in active recovery (weekly meetings, daily study, etc). He is recently coming to understand the damage he has caused. He sees that his once outgoing, social, fun, and happy wife, is now often isolated, not so social, sad, & as fun anymore.

You will often read on this blog, that when a husband finally comes clean, he is feels peace. He feels like a huge weight has been lifted. While at the same time it is just the beginning of a long nightmare for his wife. What she thought was reality is no longer.

He now knows he must patiently wait and support me as I continue to experience the pain and sorrow caused by his selfish choices. He may need to wait for years to come. I really want to heal faster, but I just can’t. I am not trying to make him suffer and feel badly; it just is what it is. This is the price of sin.

I wonder if my taking so long to heal is in a way a reminder to my husband of his choices long ago. When he first looked at porn, he could never begin to imagine the long term damage he was causing those he loves the most. This has become a very harsh reality for him, and hopefully one that will remind him to never take a vacation from his priesthood again, no even for a second.

Look to your Savior. He knows your name and the intense pain you suffer, as he has suffered it already, and that pain is forever imprinted on his hands and in his heart.

May our Father in Heaven watch over you as you trust in Him."
posted at 23:08:35 on May 31, 2011 by Anonymous
Healing from being run over by a 18 wheeler!    
"That is what recover is like the wife of a SA. Would your husband be as inpatient of your recovery knowing that every bone in your body had been broken and your internal organs were lying on the hot pavement? Could he understand that you needed therapy to help you learn to use your muscles again to walk on your own. That specialist would be needed to make sure your organs would work properly after being in that kind of trauma? Or would he feel sorry for himself and consider himself the Victim in the situation. Expect you to stand and and walk before you had fully recovered?

The trauma a wife goes through in the disclosure or discovery of sexual addiction in her marriage can not be minimized or dismissed by anyone. It is real and devastating. To expect her to just get on with it is a husband who is asking for a divorce. Who is more concerned with himself and has not fully recovered from his selfish behaviors. There is no magic wand. No microwaving the process. No immediate gratification. Just patience, love and long suffering! Oh, what is that? Charity? The pure love of Christ? That precious characteristic we are all expected to posses in order to qualify for exaltation?

Sorry if this sounds condescending! But Momof5! You are not the problem here. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, and most of all you cannot cure it. If Hubby chooses to bag out on his family, then he is not the MAN you need. Most of all you need to heal! You need to care for yourself. Look up the post on the spouses side. "Another Woman's Story of Healing", it may help you.

Love and prayers"
posted at 17:33:01 on June 1, 2011 by Hero
THANK-YOU    
"I cannot tell you how much each and everyone of your posts mean to me!

HERO- Thank-you for the story you brought back. I really needed to read that today.
To all of you every thing you wrote really helps me out. I am so glad I am able to come to this forum and talk to all of you. I tried talking to different people but they just don't understand. I guess that kind of frustrates me. Because if it was any other addiction you could talk to anyone about it and they could be there for you. But now that I know the truth it has to be kept secret because if people found out they would judge my husband. I can finally say one thing I am so glad heavenly father came to me that one horrible night and told me to find my husband. Because now my husband can hopefully be free from satan's chains and I just wish I didn't have to be living in my nightmare. I tried talking to my brother about how I couldn't forgive my husband for something that happened many, many, many, times over a ten year period. He looked at my with shock and horror and said it wasn't pornography was it!!! I then knew I had made a mistake in trying to tell him because he just didn't respond well. I just wanted to have someone in my family to be there for me, but instead I will have you guys!"
posted at 18:44:01 on June 1, 2011 by Anonymous
You need support    
"Pray about telling your brother. When I told my sister, she was in tears for a long time and had hard feelings for my husband. But she learned what it was and developed empathy for him, but more importantly has been such a great support for me, when I needed to talk or babysitting. IT just helped to feel like someone knew my Hell. You can not go on alone. Plus, I do not think that protecting him is more important than getting the support I desperately need in the biggest trial I can have. How can people support me, when they do not know. I think finding people you trust and love to support you is important in your recovery. My whole family know and his (I told them all) (he was angry with me for doing it), but after the shock, every one has been extremely supportive, and it has helped so much both of us. There is a greater intimacy between all of us, now that the secret is out and I feel more free. The addiction thrives in secrecy. (Imagine his father in law knowing and asking him how you are doing? and trying to show empathy). Next time he wants to go down that road, there are this many people for him to disappoint. My husband apologized to my father for the way he treated me and it was a very healing thing for him to do.
Anyways, just some thoughts.
Of corse,
we are always here for you
crushed"
posted at 20:13:36 on June 1, 2011 by Anonymous
Please don't end it.    
"I was a Dad of 5 who's wife walked out on him and the children for other "men". It took me a long time to heal. It took the children even longer! We are all walking in the Light of Christ now. We all share happy feelings and times together. My former Temple wife and I communicate better now then we did when we were married. I was the co-dependent and the enabler. The betrayal was so hard on me that I turned to the fantasy world of porn as a means to forget my pain. I am not saying that your husband is doing it for this reason but it still has the same result.

He has been clean for a year. Just like being born again. Tonight at recovery meeting a brother shared a story of his little niece who had a blocked valve in her heart. She underwent open heart surgery and now has a NEW HEART. She has a new lease on life. She is better then ever. Same thing can apply to your husband. He will be better then the man you married. He will be a new creature in the Lord. He will be strong and you will be able to feel secure knowing that he loves you and your children and that having an Eternal Christ Centered Celestial marriage is more important then anything imaginable.

May the Lord guide you two into his open arms."
posted at 23:11:10 on June 1, 2011 by 3R's
3r's    
"He left her. It does not sounds like she had a choice here.

Her healing cannot be rushed and needs to happen in the Lord's timing.

Never rush healing to appease an addict."
posted at 00:07:54 on June 2, 2011 by Anonymous
We are always in Recovery    
"We are always in Recovery just like Alma and his son Alma the Younger. Just like the Apostle Peter and all the Saints. Who ever was born Sanctified except one? We all need forgiveness. Yes, Momof5, you can find hope and healing and your estranged husband's rigorous honesty and humility is just the beginning of his recovery. There is hope,,, Great Hope and Healing- whether you two stay together or not. From my perspective and experience, divorce is more painful and long lasting then death itself."
posted at 06:48:04 on June 2, 2011 by 3R's
no one is disputing that    
"divorce is painful... everyone knows it. But a repentant husband should not pressurize his wife. If she relents it will be half halfheartedly and lead to greater resentment. It is her husband by the way who is threatening divorce..."
posted at 14:00:24 on June 2, 2011 by Anonymous
Momof5    
"Here are my honest feelings because I honestly sometimes feel in the same boat as your husband.
There is a difference though - I will never move out this house, no matter how I feel and long my wife resents me, that is just so bloody selfish! Hey just my opinion that I feel so strongly about.
My wife and I have gone through hell and back so often since I told her. It has been heart wrenching!

I know how your husband feels in some way, I just want my wife to know that I really do love her and wish for her to see me in a new light. Not as a different person, but a new light, a light where she can see me clearly, nothing hidden. I want her to just know that I am so so so serious about my recovery and I hate the old me. She says often that I cannot change, echoing the once an addict always an addict. That is quite frankly rubbish and the philosophy of man. She also says I will always carry this weakness. Yes it is true I am wounded from my childhood and carry those wounds and scars all the time. My weakness is not however the addiction. That is over and yes would be activated if I used my agency to reactivate it. That is not going to happen on this earth so long as I live. WE ADDICTS CAN CHANGE AND BECOME GREAT MEN but we cannot change the consequences and wipe out the history of our bad choices. It is possible to do on the computer screen but is still there on the hard drive. YOU SISTERS have really top quality memory capabilities and there just is no erasing the past.

Your husband and I have to accept that fact and live with it. Running away thinking that he is going to escape his responsibility to help you heal is going to do nothing for him. That is not an addict mind, that is a child running from the consequences of his own stupid choices. Hey it is a stupid choice in and of itself unless you have been the meanest person to cause his leaving home (I highly doubt that because you seem to have a humble way of writing.

I will tell you what is hard though, try as I may my wife resents me, distrusts me and only wants to be a friend. That is all fine and dandy but it is a long and miserable life if she does not want a happy marriage with growth and joy.

I struggle a lot with the same issues and if he is anything like me, he feels past helpless and discouraged, down, sad and hurt.

Those emotions if triggered in a harsh way are enough to make silly choices.

Oh one last point while I am on my soap box, I say he is a child because that is what children do, have difficulty facing consequences of their own making and need a parent to help them understand the dumbness of their choices.

He may be sitting there saying OK when is she going to come and show me she cares.

Pray sister, he has a father, and that father in heaven will know exactly how to make a man of him."
posted at 15:35:52 on June 2, 2011 by ruggaexpat
THANK-YOU RUGGAEXPAT    
"I appreciate you telling me that it is possible for someone to walk away from this addiction and not go back. I have said some very mean and horrible things to my husband that I cannot take back. My husband has come to place in his life where he is finding peace in everything. The addiction, him being bi-polar and finally on medication, and him trying to come out of a world of selfishness. You are right about sisters minds I can remember every wrong thing my husband did in the 12 years of our marriage and I never let the poor guy forget it. He told me the reason he left is to give us both space to have peace because all we do is fight about everything in the past. Ruggaexpat I know that some day I must move on from my husbands choices because it is making me a very unhappy person. My husband wants to start over from scratch and have an amazing marriage the one I have always wanted but I am terrified to do that and get my heart broken again and again.I know that it doesn't make much sense because he is probably right but oh the years of hurt and loss:("
posted at 18:00:23 on June 2, 2011 by MOMOF5
yes and well you should feel that way    
"I do not know how you guys survive it all, my wife and I seem to just get by each day, it is terrible the effects that this has on our relationship. I know now from your last post we are in a similar boat and I am still a teenager emotionally.

I am hanging in there as is my wife and I hope you do too.
He must love you to want to start all over but could show it in a better way than finding a separate place.

Hang in there sis... Better days will come ... At least that is what they tell me."
posted at 21:42:19 on June 2, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Ditto to Ruggaexpat    
"I have a hard time typing your user name rugga!!!!!
Heard a great quote at one of my meetings tonight:
"Joy does not come from matching your dreams to your expectations.
Joy comes from THE CHALLENGE of creating something beautiful with what you have to work with"."
posted at 23:13:03 on June 2, 2011 by 3R's
I understand your hesitation    
"I know you don't want to get hurt again, but try to give him a chance. It seems like he wants to change and wants to fix your marriage. I have 2 ex husbands and 2 kids (1 with each). If either of them had been willing to change and work on things I might not have 2 exes. I wish either of them had been willing. Also, don't ever forget that his addiction is not about you. If he ever slips, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and isn't trying. You're a good woman and his addiction is not your fault."
posted at 23:56:12 on June 2, 2011 by dstanley
WOW!    
"Thank-you so much everyone! 3r's Thank-you for the quote I needed to hear that. And DStanley thank-you he really is trying hard and yes I think he does want a second chance. And it is nice to hear again that his addiction is not my fault because this addiction makes a woman feel inadequate to say the least! I never thought this would be one of my trials in this lifetime. I hope my marriage can survive it, because at this point everyday is a struggle:( MOMOF5"
posted at 08:01:50 on June 3, 2011 by Anonymous


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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006