My introduction
By maddy
5/28/2011 8:37:00 AM
Hi, I am Maddy. I am unwell. I think I am codependent...among other things.

I was raised in a semi LDS home with 8 kids. I love my mom but My dad was abusive in horrible and painful ways. My parents divorced when I was 7 thank goodness, but a lot of the issues are still there. My dad was deeply addicted to pornography too. Once, on a summer visitation I found his pornography stash and totally destroyed it out of anger and hurt. When he found out, he asked me to never come back. I never did.

My husband grew up in an all LDS home. His parents were good people in many ways, but his mother has a mental illnesses and beat the kids pretty severely and they controlled their children over everything. They were/are determined to make them "choose the right". My husband turned to mb early in his life. It was a form of control and self medication in a world where he was given no choices and felt powerless. It was a form a escapism.

When we got married, he had 'woman' issues and I had 'man' issues. Not a great recipe. We fought constantly and had no coping skills for conflict. Eventually, we developed a friendship and started our family, but the moment the internet came into our home pornography had my husband in an iron grip.

We have cycled through the relapse pattern for 14 years. We've tried just about everything. He goes to ARP. We meet with the Bishop. We have no TV and the computer is locked down hard and fast with filters on top of filters and passwords ontop of passwords. I'd get rid of it too, except for my home business. Ok, that is lie. We have become dependent on the computer for everything from directions, to phone numbers, to email and now sites like this. I've gone years of being angry to years of being spiritual and supportive and loving. Neither seemed to help fix things. (Can you see my codependency shining through in that statement?)

We've separated twice, but it never was either very serious or very long in hindsight. 3 months at it's longest.

I've played the part and put on the smile at church. But I've hit a wall recently. I don't know what is different. Maybe nothing is different. It feels different though. I am coming out. I am telling people....ok, I told my sister, but that is one person more than I've ever told before. I am breaking down. I can't hold the show together anymore. I don't want to hold it together. This is new though...blogging...turning to a 'support group' is something I've never done before. I hope it helps.

I want to say more, but I am going to leave it here. This is my intro. It''s nice to meet you all. I am starting to think I'll fit right in, so if you don't mind, I'll set my suitcase (aka 'baggage') down in the hallway here and make myself at home. That is, if I can figure out how to do that. :)


"Thank you for sharing with us your trials, struggles and pain. You are definitely not alone. Many have turned here in desperation and found hope, peace and comfort through their words and the words of many others. I pray you will be able to find some here as well.

I encourage you to attend and ARP meeting. I know you said it's your husbands space--There is a place for you as well. I promise you will benefit just as much from these meetings. There is an incredible amount of support through the women who attend and share the same struggles you do--they get it. They are living it just as you are.

Welcome to a safe place to vent, find support and support others. "
posted at 08:59:12 on May 28, 2011 by rachp
Dear Maddy-    
"I want you to know you are not alone! I too came here looking for comfort and I found a lot of supportive wives. The wives on here are very supportive and even though all of us have different life stories we are all hurting. Maddy I am going to pray for you that you will be comforted. I never thought I would be on a blog for wives of porn addicts. Please know you are never alone and I hope you find peace someday. I am still hoping for some too! I know Christ and his love for all of us is the only place to find it. MOMOF5"
posted at 13:24:31 on May 28, 2011 by Anonymous
Thanks alot    
"thanks for sharing thats one major step....i may not know what it feels like to have an addiction while in a marriage or have a partner thats struggles with addiction but i know addiction period.I'm still in high school I've struggled with this for a long time my parents are great so i have no one i can say that lead me to do this or something like that i did it to myself. Now that you know more about me i can say that your doing the right thing i know its hard to break addiction but i know its possible.Have faith that god can help you pray or sing a hymn when you feel tempted and post on this site every chance possible its a real saver.GOOD LUCK."
posted at 19:59:20 on May 28, 2011 by Teddy
Maddy you are really cool    
"I enjoy reading your stuff.
I don't know you but you add something different in your writing.
I think I will learn a lot from you, as I have from many other sisters so here's hoping that you stick around for some time.

I wish no one else would suffer anymore, I really do.

You know I am doing the spouses manual each week with my wife in our ARP meetings, a pilot project with the manual they are seeking approval on for recoverying loved ones. My goodness it is amazing just to understand how you guys have suffered. I wish you guys would all be healed like tomorrow, wake up and all gone.

If I stay on here for much longer I might break the record for most posts but it has been very therapeutic for me to just write out my feelings. I have learned such a huge deal while writing. Just write and write and write. Many people will be so understanding and they will support you. I am so greatful for the good people here, they are so amazing. I honestly could not have got through the hard times without some of them. I cannot mention all of you because many have been anon1,2,3,4 etc... You guys know who you are, I love you guys for helping me so much.

Maddy look after you, this is your time, time to shine sister!"
posted at 22:29:44 on May 28, 2011 by ruggaexpat
I think it is good to hit a wall now and again    
"Real recovery started when I said to myself and him that I would not take it or live with it. I can not do it spiritually, emotionally or mentally. It was destroying me and I meant every word of it!!
It might be that you have come to the point where things really have to change. Have you gotten some help for yourself? Is there a ARP for loved ones?? Sanon? or even just ARP? I would say, attend, it has saved my life. Given me the tools to recover and answers to my questions. Help me set some boundaries, help take care of myself and help me see how much I was willing to bare. I could not live with an addict. And he had to use every tool he knew if he wanted to remain with us. He worked very hard and seemed to be doing ok. So I know the program works. Anyways, having those boundaries help me feel safer. I also made a plan for taking care of myself (all my family know and are ready to help, getting more education in case). I wanted if the time comes or came that he was not serious in his recovery (you see it in behaviors!!!, do not believe what addicts say, believe their behaviors!!! Does he not only attend ARP but do his homework every week? Prayers, scriptures reading, journaling, calling sponsor everytime tempted? You know and can see when someone is committed, no matter what they say with their mouth. Intentions are not good enough, recovery is hard work and the only way. I needed my husband to be committed a 100% to recovery, if he did not take it seriously enough, then he was jeopardizing our family. And I could not stay with someone auto-destroying himself and all of us in the process. If he wanted to do it, he had to do it on his own. We both agree as he saw the consequences and suffering on me and in our children.
I just wanted to share with you, some of the things that have worked for me.
Maddy, you belong here and we are happy to be there for you.
posted at 20:41:27 on May 29, 2011 by crushed

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006