First time writing
By Maddy
5/26/2011 1:09:05 AM
I can't sleep. Again. Still.

I did a search for online support groups for loved ones of pornography addicts. This site came up. I haven't read it. I don't know what I am doing here. I just need to feel heard right now. I've had a bad day. If there is anyone out there who knows the significance of those words, 'bad day', you know that is an understatement...but what else can you call it?

I don't want to give a bio tonight or the back-history. I just want to copy down a letter that I wrote tonight, because holding it back feels like trying to hold back bile or vomit in my throat:


I hate you for not doing everything possible over the past several months or even years to try and help (my husband) to the point that he could ordain his own son. I hate how much this hurts (my son). I hate this church for the system that "works" this way...Because it doesn't work at all. It is broken. I hate God for His part in all of it, or His lack of being a part of any of it.

I am angry at (my husband).
I am angry at you and every other Bishop or Stake President I've had that didn't have the training, the capabilities or the care to help us when a difference could have been made.
I am angry at God for prompting me to marry (my husband) in the first place and I am so angry and hurt by all three of 'you' that I want nothing to do with the whole lot.

I don't believe it when (my husband) says he loves me or the kids. I don't believe it when you say you love our family like you said today. I certainly don't believe that my life or the lives of those around me show the slightest indication that there is a loving God out there.

Mostly I suppose I just am angry at myself and I am the one I really hate. But it is all so tangled up in my mind and my heart that I don't know where and/or who the real source of pain comes from.

All I know is I would do anything for it to stop.

I don't care if whatever is broken gets fixed. I just want it all to go away.

For the first time in my life a can understand why people seek the oblivion of drugs.

I would do anything for a respite. I would do anything to be able to sleep. I would do anything to not feel trapped. To feel valued. To have hope for my own life and future. To be able to make a difference. To feel like I had some say or some power in anything. To understand why I even care at all.

I am so lost.



Powerful Reminder    
"Thank you Maddy for the powerful reminder of the pain our actions cause our spouses and loved ones. I'm sure you hate me and all the other addicts on here as well. I wish I had some magic salve to make it all better for you and my wife and all the other wives who suffer. But only one does and he's the Savior. Obviously you are very angry and bitter so any words of attempted comfort or reason won't really help. I'll just say that I know the Savior DOES love you. I know your bishop and stake president love you. They're men doing the best they can to combat what is a cunning, baffling drug. Yes they are untrained and incapable. But I think their love, support, and prayers are sincere. Remember Satan's goal is to destroy your family, whether it's through your husband's addiction or through your anger and bitterness towards the Savior and his atonement and gospel. He doesn't care what the name is on the wedge. He just wants to pound it in and kill the tree. Don't give in to those temptations. Satan is working on you probably even harder than on your husband. With him being addicted, Satan knows it's pretty easy to move him. So he's probably putting a lot more resources into your fall now. Don't give in. Look for hope. It's there somewhere."
posted at 01:33:56 on May 26, 2011 by derek
Oh dear sister    
"Man when I read your letter I had all sorts of feelings. The predominant one is sadness that another sister's hopes and dreams have been shattered. I did the same to my wife and our journey started out with her feeling exactly the same way as you do. It is incredible how it is the same, she hated me terribly and was so angry with God and church leaders.

That anger stayed around for a hell of a long time (nearly a full year) and she still has to check herself often. What you are feeling is normal, a death in a very real way but as there was a resurrection that will allow us to physically live again, the atonement was made to allow us to emotionally live again. My wife was emotionally dead and numb but things was slowly changing now. There is hope for both you and her.

On the flip side there is hope for me and your husband. I have spent all about 1 and a half years trying to understand how my wife feels and how mauch damage I have done to her. I will never fully understand but I do know that she has had the Lord to lean on even when she had doubts about his love for her in the stormy beginning.

Now is the time to center all your thoughts on you and your relationship with God, strengthen that and I promise you will by some starnge way get closer to your husband. My wife has absolutely no trust in me and why should she so she places all of it in the Lord and that gives her peace and shelter from those stormy emotions. He is her true support while he teaches me to take over. That is the way I see it for now and I am trying to humbly accept that.

Trust in him and you will not go wrong. I do not think he is angry with you, he is the perfect person to let it all out on, He has handled a lot worse than your anger. Hey he apparently hears millions of his sisters crys for this same addiction every day, I believe this is what makes him the coolest and most loving man in heaven. This is his worth to us in times like the one you are facing, it is incredible to even think of that ability.

Lay it all on him, He will never stop loving you and when your husband see's you getting closer to him, it will be the most motivating force to pull him straight.

That is my experience, Just hang in that and cry unto him until the anger subsides. It will not happen quickly but it will happen.

Prayers to you."
posted at 08:44:13 on May 26, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Maddy You can Heal    
"Your peace will not come from your husband, (what he chooses to do or not do ) your peace and healing will not come from your Bishop or your Stake President, your peace will not even come from the Prophet if he paid you a visit. Peace and healing can only come from our Savior Jesus Christ. The master healer. Our loving older brother. Only He is able to make us hole. Only He can take the pieces of our broken heart, if we will lay all those pieces at his feet in prayer and tell him what each piece represents, each loss, each discouragement, what anger, what fear, what sorrow, each resentment, much like you did in your post. Go to Him with all of it. He is waiting. He knows it all but you have to go to him. He will mend you heart and soul. He will guide you and your family to recovery. You can be better than you ever have been or even imagined possible. It is true. I testify to you it is true. I have been right where you are. I know your pain.

It is good you have found this site. If you have not yet been directed to a recovery group, please download the family support manual on the left of this screen in purple. Just read the introduction.
If it speaks to you and I know it will, call Family Services in your area to find a Family Support Group. It is best to find one that deals specifically with Pornography and Sexual addiction. If they do not have one then tell them one is needed and tell your Stake President one is needed. The new manual has not yet been published but it will be out soon. There is no need to wait. Many groups have been running for years using the manual on the left or some version of it.

There is a spouses side to this site. There is much help there for you also. There is help for you here. It is good to have a sounding board. Please come here. We are not always here all the time but all of us try to be as helpful as we can. Love to you Maddy and I hope this and the other comments help you now. "
posted at 13:33:59 on May 26, 2011 by Hero
I feel awful for you and your spouse    
"Hi Maddy,

I'm on the other side hoping my wife can heal from the pain I've caused her. I'm hoping that I can "stick" my recovery. I'm hoping that I can heal from the pain and shame that I have in myself. I have received good comments from people on this site and I'm sure you will as well.

Someone told me a few weeks ago that the church is just now getting better dealing with addiction. Until not too long ago, the only advice that people got was " just dont do it". That won't work for many people in the long run. Sounds like maybe you got some of the old advice.

This is a tough trial for sure. One of the toughest. Few days go by that I dont tear up thinking about how I destroyed my wife's trust in me. How she doesn't feel special anymore. Thinking about how my 14 yr old son went from seeing me as a hero to a loser. Thinking about how I just didnt have the will power to stop. Thinking about how bad I let my addiction get. I wish I had a time machine to go back and fix my issues before they started.

It took me a good 60 days of sobriety AND weekly counseling AND 12 step meetings 2-3X week to get to the point where I started to feel again. Everyones situation is different.

It is a long road and it is painful. I personally get a lot of strength from the people on this site that have some time in recovery under their belts. My marriage counselor tells us that if we work hard at recovery, that our relationship will be many times better than it has been the last 17 years. I hold on to that hope.

I truly hope that you can find your own personal peace."
posted at 16:56:23 on May 26, 2011 by Hurtallover
I understand    
"Your pain is real to me. I've been there and it was so hard. My despair and discouragement were so great. I felt so utterly abandonned and question everything in my life. Angry at my bishop..yep!!! (He just did not know what was going on and no understanding of my situation) Angry at God (for allowing this to happen, for not being there for me, letting my dreams crash and burn, etc..) and most of alll extremly angry at my husband!!! ( I would have killed him on the spot and during the weeks that followed his big reveal was I not scared of the consequences). I Hated him with all my heart. Anyways, it's been a long ride and I was a broken and angry women when I took myself to ARP the first time, out of desperation, because I did not know what else was going to help lift the very heavy dark cloud on my head. I completely relate to the feeling trapped like a mouse in a cage. Little by little and it took many months and many ARP lessons and prayers for me to start feeling alive again. But the dark cloud of despair was lifted gradually as I started to believe that I was still loved by my Father and by my Saviour. When I started to study the pain of my savior I could feel him closer. I started to understand that pain, even excrutiating pain is part of mortal life and if I had faith and trust, I will survive and I will be refined. Bad things happen to good people, even faithfull and obedient, even to good women such as yourself. A lot of bad things happenned to Jesus, he knows how it feels to love someone and even many people and to be betrayed by those he trusted. He knows how it feels to be rejected and mistreated by those he love, him the King of King. Anyways, I had a choice to have faith and trust that all those things somehow, somewhere are for my good and will give me experience. I chose to believe, sometimes I did good and sometimes not so good, when anger overtook me. I worked on my faith, not on my marriage. I understood that I could not fix it, I made a decision to leave it in God's hands. It felt right for now to stay and work on my healing. I told my husband that I would work on myself and on healing myself, and will stay for one year and will reassess after, under very strict boundaries, of no porn at all in my house. It's almost been a year and I feel so much better, spiritually. I feel peace and even joy at times. Now, I am not at all reconcile to my husband, we are pretty much just learning to be friends. I understand that this his journey and his disease, if it was not me it would have been someone else. I must not take it personnally. What helps is when I remember how very temporary this life is. The Lord will make it up to me and I can not let my husband's ugly disease destroy the rest of my life and my peace.
I am so sorry, your husband could not ordain your son, I am so sorry for your son's hurt. There is nothing worse then to see our children hurt unecessary because of their father 's addiction. So many blessings have been lost because of my husband's addiction. It is so Ok to be angry and grieve. Do it as long as you need to. Knowing that the Lord is anxious to help you trough it even thou you can not see it yet. Get help, find ARP and go to the 12 steps. Enlist support.
We love you and I know how hard it is.
For a long time even thou I prayed I felt like it meant nothing (I told the Lord all about my anger at him, I know he can handle it). Now and for sometime already, I can pray and I will pray for you and I know that there are better days ahead."
posted at 19:03:09 on May 26, 2011 by crushed
I understand where you are    
"I am a wife and I understand. Hero is 100% right. But I understand the feelings you have and they are very real and very raw.

My husband has been in recovery for quite some time now and this whole thing is still very difficult to wrap my mind around. But then again I am dealing with many other big things at the same time. I've learned that in order to move forward I must be anchored to my Savior at all times. This is the only way I do not live each day in pain and anger.

I noticed your pain and anger directed towards some people as well as yourself. You have to know that although what you feel is very real, it is directed by Satan. I find it interesting how Satan was not on your list of those to be angry with. He was not on my initial list either. My list read just like your's. The adversary is very good a diverting attention towards anyone but himself. He is very sly that way.

You are in my heart and prayers as you are on a very difficult path. But please remember that with God, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! You will heal, you will become stronger, and you will help many others who will be in your shoes down the road. I am not there yet, but I have to believe I will be one day.

This evil is in nearly every home in one form or another. It is the world in which we live. It is our test!

Please be kind to yourself and know that God is near, even if your don't feel him."
posted at 19:55:44 on May 26, 2011 by Anonymous
Welcome Maddy!    
"I have seen where you are up close and personal. I have been an addict for 30 years. Married for 14. Two years ago was when my wife decided she had had enough and all her anger and frustration boiled to the same point. She tried to leave me and got the answer to stay. It was also the time I decided I was bad for my family and I was going to change even though I was losing my wife! I would change anyway! No one could help me do it! Bishops didn’t understand because they were not addicts. My wife didn’t, most members didn’t! Amazingly my wife has gained some extraordinary insight into addiction because of my brother who is a drug addict and because of a book called “He Restoreth My Soul” by Dr. Donald L. Hilton.

She was angry and hurt all through our family counseling sessions, through our bishops meeting, and through the first year, but she stayed and worked it out with me. It has been a hard couple of years. We have struggled with our own personal demons together. I have slipped back into my addiction several times, each time her anger came back in full force until she began to heal. The last time I slipped I was more hurt and embarrassed than she was. I now feel stronger than ever. I say this sheepishly because I am afraid of that feeling. When I feel I am strong, and not borrowing the lords strength I seem to fall again. But that is another conversation.

Through this book she came to understand what an addict goes through! Pornography is an addiction just like drugs. And this book explains that. I never could identify my pattern for what it was until I read this book. It helped me heal, but more importantly it helped her heal. We now work together to stay a strong unit. We gain strength from each other, and we are closer than we ever have bee. I know this is hard for you to believe right now, but this is possible for everyone. The Lord is not a respecter of people, he giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not!

No one can heal your husband but him and the Lord. It takes time to heal and repair his brain. It is possible though! Right now you need to heal to! The addiction is also not a respecter of persons! It has hurt you and your family to! The Lord has given us tools in this age to fight Satan’s number one weapon for the family. Use them, and with his help you can heal to!

I wish you the best, and my prayers are with you!

"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."

(Mosia 14: 3-5)"
posted at 20:54:48 on May 26, 2011 by 30years
"I'm sure there are plenty of great thoughts here given to you by the others who have commented. I doubt I could add anything meaningful. I just wanted you to know that your letter has pierced my heart and it hurts me to hear how much pain you're in. I know that pain all too well. I know that anger. You don't deserve to go through what you're going through. I only wish I could take your pain upon myself, but I can't. Only Christ can. I will pray for you."
posted at 03:02:40 on May 27, 2011 by Zero
"I've cried until my head hurts. I don't know what I am feeling, but I think it is gratitude. I don't know what I thought would happen here...I thought I'd be judged or rebuked for my selfishness and anger. I know it isn't healthy...but it is all I have right now. I feel like it is all I am.

I don't know if this will get better. I honestly don't know if I will make it out of this. It is just nice to not get put down for how ugly my heart is. Especially because I know it is ugly.

I tried to pray yesterday. It is funny, but I tried to pray about whether I should ask to be released from my calling. All things considered, I have no idea why that was the thing that brought me to my knees again. Especially considering how much I don't even want to go to church at all right now. My calling is in the primary and so I don't go to Sunday school or Relief society and I thought that maybe, just maybe if I sat in on those lessons I would start to feel something again. As I knelt to pray, all I could do was cry and whisper, "I hate you" over and over again.

I know how awful that sounds. I know how sacrilegious it is. But somehow it helped a little...I thought about what Crushed and Raggaexpat said about it is ok to be totally honest with God. That He can handle our anger and pain and it is ok to lay it on Him. Part of me justified it because I kept telling myself that no one is listening anyway. Part of me justified it because IF someone was listening, and they really did care about me as much as other people say, then He'd understand.

I don't know how I came to this.

Want to know something else that seems odd to me? I feel awful about venting here. I feel like I am such a downer. I feel like I have nothing to give and everyone here is wounded and I am just stupid for taking up space when I have nothing to offer. I am just a taker here. I feel parasitic. I can't handle accepting help if I have nothing to give self-esteem is all wrapped up in what other people think of me. And even here, a place where I know no one, I am struggling with the fact that I am worthless in my 'contributions'. I am worse than worthless. I am so negative. I don't want to be that way. But if I am being is all I feel.

BUT I am so tired of putting on a show... so I guess I'll just air my dirty laundry and vent. It is the one thing I haven't tried so far. And I really have nothing left to loose."
posted at 07:21:06 on May 27, 2011 by maddy
This is the one place where you probably wont shock anyone...    
"Light is the antiseptic for addictions and addictive behaviors. Bring it on. You will feel better about things."
posted at 08:57:37 on May 27, 2011 by Anonymous
"Please don't feel like you are worthless or dragging us down here. This whole forum is built on honesty. By being honest, you are opening the door to the healing that will eventually come. Also, many of us are strengthened in our humility and resolve as we come to an awareness of the pain this addiction causes to everyone involved, addict and especially loved ones. Please stay, vent all you need to. The pain, anger, and resentment you feel are natural and normal and should not be hidden or buried.

Prayer is a magical thing. Heavenly Father knows exactly how you feel. He knows how hurt you are, how angry you are. He knows all of that and He loves you anyway. He loves you more than you can now. He accepts you and wants nothing more than to hear from you and speak peace to your soul. My prayers have changed drastically over the past year. I now know that I can be brutally honest with my Heavenly Father and He will always be there to love and accept me when I come back. He knows how you feel anyway so there is no point in sugar coating it. As we get those emotions out through prayer, light and peace start to take their place. You will begin to feel Him speaking back to you. I promise.

Just yesterday I was changing one of our young son's diapers. He has recently come down with a cold and I tried to use a sucker-bulb thing to clean out his nose. He hated it. He tried pushing my hands away, he tried turning his head, he tried rolling off the table. But knowing how much better he would feel I persisted. Eventually I had to hold his arms down with my arms, hold his head with one hand and try to clear his nose with my other hand. He REALLY started to cry then... and it broke my heart. When it was done, I'm sure he was mad at me. I'm sure he hated what had just happened and his crying was telling me exactly that. But I wanted nothing more than to hold him and comfort him. To me, that was a small glimpse into how Heavenly Father sees us when we pray. Our anger and resentment cannot sway his love for us.

I want to add my testimony that healing can come. Christ understands your pain. He has been there himself and He can guide you out of it."
posted at 11:31:27 on May 27, 2011 by paul
Many of us wives    
"started where you are. Okay, I a not sure if it is every single wife, but I know that many of them did strart where you are in one way or another.

I attend the women's ARP support meetiings and I have met many women who have a hard time with Bishop's and also attending church. A lot of pain and anger. I know that I still struggle with both at times.

Be here, be real, and don't feel bad at all for what you have shared. If anything this, and ARP is a place where you can feel normal and not judged. I love that about this site.

We stand with you. Not just the wives, but the addicts as well. Many of them understand because they have seen their wives experience the same painful feelings.

Keep praying, no matter what you say to Him, just keep talking."
posted at 14:23:32 on May 27, 2011 by Anonymous

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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005