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Fallen & Too Tired to Get Back Up
By Zero
5/22/2011 8:16:21 PM
I think part of me knew about a week or so ago that I was going to give back in to p~rnography. I let myself slide further and further down the slope till I was suddenly down in the same pit that I'd been living in for years. A big part of the problem was that I was too tired to fight against the temptation. It seemed like all of that grace God had given me for three months was suddenly gone and He wanted me to do it on my own. But I can't.

I don't know if that's the actual case or not, that's just what it felt like. How can I go for three months feeling no desire to look at p~rnography at all, then just get hammered with the temptations all the sudden? And how can God expect me, as weak as I am, to resist? I was doing everything right. Going to church, reading my scriptures every morning for a good solid hour or so, praying all throughout the day whenever I needed it. Donating tithing and fast offerings, as well as clothes to the needy and my blood plasma even. What more could I have done? What was I doing wrong? What was it that caused me to lose thy grace, God?

I know it's not my strength I'm supposed to rely on, but I guess I don't know where I went wrong to lose God's strength. Maybe it was a test. If so, I failed miserably.

I've been feeling terrible for a couple weeks now, before I gave back in. It could be that I started back to college a few weeks agow I'm no longer used to the workload of homework and it's kicking my butt. So maybe I'm just stressed somewhat and that's all it is. But I feel like I'm caring about life less and less. What's the point? I don't have anything to keep me going. I don't really know what I want to do for my major in school. I'm not in a relationship (and not sure I ever want to be as long as I'm afflicted with this horrible, addictive disease). I'm just going through the motions.

And I don't know what's to stop me from giving in again. I don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal, but life just doesn't seem worth it to me. I think that might be part of what got me into this mess in the first place. I was looking for an escape. Whatever it is that I need to fill the void in my life, I can't find it because I don't even know what it is. And even if I did, I doubt I could get it on my own. Not sure where to go from here. Hope you're all doing better than me.

Comments:

I feel like that now    
"Although I'm in high school, I feel I have no purpose. Our situation is different, I dont go to church, read scriptures, seminary. I dont, I just dont. I have no excuse, I feel like nothing is worth anything. I dont think your an active member on this site anymore but what should I do? I'm 17, the same age you started. Are you a future me?"
posted at 21:39:36 on March 11, 2012 by moroni
Never give up    
"I tell myself that every morning. Never Give up. Think of the time and effort you have taken to develop this addiction. It requires at least the same and greater to overcome. Remember God doesn't expect perfection in this life. Each day we can learn something and come closer. Every time we slip, we can evaluate, learn from it, and do something different next time.

I still have moments when I feel like I cannot go another moment. All I can do is give all to God and trust. There are nights I tell myself I would rather not sleep at all then give in. Understanding that addiction to pornography is just like addiction to a drug. Your body craves the adrenaline/ high you get from pornography. To overcome it you have to teach your body to function with normal chemical levels. Going through this process can cause head aches, restlessness and other similar symptoms. For one this proves it is a real addiction. Also it has made me realize the longer I go without giving in, the greater smaller temptations become.

Finally recognizing that this is what I use to relief stress and anxiety, has allowed me to focus on the root of the problem. I have to develop healthier alternatives first of all. Next I have to catch myself at the earliest hint of giving in. It reminds me of the story President Hinckley tells of the switch track at the train station. The switch track being switched just one inch, cause a train to go off course by miles. Giving in a little bit to a little meaningless temptation leads to the slipping we continue to regret.

Lastly we have to surround ourselves with what we want to become. I cannot be a worthy member, ready for temple marriage, if I am not in those places that can develop me to be that person. Feelings of hopelessness and giving up are right from the devil. No matter what we have to know we are children of God and no matter how many times we slip he is standing with open arms. Don't ever give up, it gets better, easier and is so worth it."
posted at 13:24:06 on March 12, 2012 by Leo


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

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General Conference, October 1988