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i cant breathe......
By taintedlove
5/17/2011 9:32:17 PM
Good things are happening to me but they bring me no joy. I want to cry alot but cant bring myself to it. It doesnt help anyways. I let someone in and try to talk to them and i feel like im being needy. Ive begged, then screamed, then cursed at God asking for answers.

Why lord? Why am I here. Why is it that I cant feel you? Am i broken? Why cant i be close to my family? Why God? WHY AM I UNLOVABLE?

Is it because my mother had me out of wedlock and more than likely out of proatitution or a one night stand? Was I a bad child? Did i somehow seduce the guy that could be my dad when i was 9 years old. Was i not a good enough daighter for my stepdad who was the only father figure i had ever had. Why did yoi take him 4 months after he married my mom. You know she wasnt as mean when he was around. I was 13 i needed a dad. Noone wanted to know if i was their daughter.

Was i not good enough. Am i till not good enough to have a good man in my life.

What about my real mother. She gave me up when i was 4 months old. But she birthed and kept my sister. I was stuck raised by my grandmother who sais i ruined her retirement. And then beat me for things like not being able to reach the top shelf or not making it to the bathroom when i was extremely sick. She told me id be nothing more than a prostitute like my real mother. I was called stupid. Worthless. i was told that she wished she never adopted me when i was having issues in school.

I detach myself from everything. But i need someone to hold me and just let me sob. Tell me its ok or tell me it will be ok. MAKE ME BELIEVE IT.
I cant fake a smile anymore.
I draw smiley faces on my hand instead.
How ridiculous is that?

Did i come to this earth to be alone?
We're told that we're not given more than we can handle.
Ive handled more than my fair share in my 25 years.
If this doesnt stop then its time for me to clock out.

Comments:

:'(    
"I don't know that I can say anything that would mean anything for you. This is one of the more tragic posts I've come across on this site. How terribly hard it must have been for you growing up. And how much I wish I could've been the one to give you a hug and tell you that you were worth more than you can imagine.

The one thing I do know is that God's love for us is incomprehensible. I know there are times when it feels like He's not even there, that He never speaks to us. I've been in that spot more than I can count. And then the smallest things will happen--this is what Elder Bednar (and, really, Nephi before him) called "tender mercies. In the grand scheme of things, they're so insignificant, and if they'd have happened to anyone else, it would have been trivial and they'd have forgotten about it. But to me, they're the most powerful statements of love God can give me. I'm certain that He has sent you and will continue to send you tender mercies. But, again, they're so minor that we can miss them if we're not paying attention. In fact, we probably miss a lot of tender mercies God sends our way. A smile from a stranger. The last piece of cake still in the fridge. A powerful quote we hear in a book or a TV show. A day of rain, if you're like me and love those days. So many ways.

These, to me, are God's tender mercies, how He tells us that He loves us and is aware of us and is looking out for us.

The way that most people interpret that scripture, which comes out of Corinthians, that we won't be tempted more than we can bear, is, in my opinion, wrong. They look at it and think, "That means God won't give me any challenge that's too hard for me." But here's the truth--every challenge, every trial, every tiny little temptation that comes our way is too much for us. My addiction is too much for me. I cannot and will never be able to bear that burden on my own. And this is the key--our escape, the way out of these challenges, is Christ. Only with Christ can we bear those burdens because it's His strength that carries the load and not ours. Our strength will never be enough. But with Christ, all things are possible. Every challenge and heartache and pain can be overcome.

I urge you to hand your suffering over to Christ. Let Him bear the burden for you. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. You might wonder how to do this. I know I did. It helped when I read a book suggesting that I literally, in prayer, hand my trials and sins and heartaches over to Him. And I've felt my burden lifted. My suffering has become bearable. In fact, I can even bear it with joy. He has suffered everything you have suffered. Turn to Him and He can help you. I promise. I promise with all of my heart.

Please don't "clock out." I've thought the same thing many times, but ultimately I know that it isn't the answer. The scriptures tell us to "endure to the end." Keep fighting. Please keep fighting. Take it one day at a time."
posted at 22:02:18 on May 17, 2011 by Zero
Hang In There Please!!!!!    
"I wish I could give you a hug. You're not unloveable. I so totally understand wanting to be held and told it will be OK. I want that too. You've definitely been through plenty. Do you have a counselor, or a really good friend? I'm so sorry you're struggling. I know how that feels. Please hang in there though. :)"
posted at 23:44:18 on May 17, 2011 by dstanley
God can take it.. he's strong    
"You are making progress!
and to anyone who says you're not (including the devil) tell them to F-off.

You said "Ive begged, then screamed, then cursed at God asking for answers."
I have done the same thing... and it was good thing for me.

I feel like, God wants us to be 100% honest with him.... after all he knows everything going on anyway...
as soon as I started getting ANGRY at God... I felt like my relationship with him started getting better. I really started being REAL.

that allowed me to start healing... BUT.. for me at least (you're probably much better at this) it took years to really work through all the issues... and I kept lying to myself that I didn't really need GOD 100%

kind of like... thanks god for the help... I've got it from here.... then I would go off and stumble around and fall down a few more times...

anyway.. I guess I'm trying to say.. that it wasn't until I totally SURRENDERED to god... and I mean EVERYTHING.... one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life... blood, sweat and tears....

To say to God "Whatever you want to do with my life is ok by me...." I just can't keep living like I'm living.

Since that prayer.. miracles have happened in my life... and I can totally give God 100% of the credit now...

think about Joseph Smith... he went through a DARK period.. just before he saw the LIGHT (he saw God and Jesus Christ) ... I KNOW there are some super amazing miracles waiting for you... I know it... I'd bet 1000 bucks on it."
posted at 00:56:30 on May 18, 2011 by gracefull
ARP    
"The most important thing is to Be honest with yourself and others in what you are wanting to do with yourself and your life. Remember God is perfect. He makes no mistakes. We choose what paths we are going to take. He never leaves us. He is always there 24-7. I am guessing you are going to your weekly meetings. It is very important that you do. I am sure that the people there would be more then happy to help in anyway they can."
posted at 12:10:52 on May 21, 2011 by Anonymous
dont    
"Dont make the mistake of thinking your the only one who has lost people youve loved. Dont make thr mistake of thinking your the only one wh has been screwed over and screwed ulp by those who should have been protecting you. There are many of us out there... some way worse than others... but im thinking a lot of us wish we could just check out. I sure know I do... a little over a year ago when my wife left... I held a gun in my mouth and kept adding pressure to the trigger. Bit by bit i tried to muster up the squeeze that would release me.... heres the deal...there is no checking out... hell is a do over.... and i for one dont want to wake up on a wheel ever turning waitig for me to break out of my self hatred and self destruction so that i can at least attempt to be who i am meant to b. Break the cycle taint. Feel it... in ur soul... this isnths first time uve been here... thinking like this... believe me, i get it. But u are worth.something... u can txt nmme if u wanna tlk abt how bad our lives suck
Or maybe even try to figure.out why they dont and ways to make things btr? 8153152530."
posted at 23:47:12 on May 24, 2011 by tjditch


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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006