Have I Slipped?
By Zero
5/16/2011 12:09:16 AM
In the past week, as much as it pains me to admit it, I've been sorely tempted by p~rnography. A few nights ago, I went to one of the websites I used to frequent. But...*sigh*...all I did was look around. I didn't actually view anything, videos and whatnot. There were some images viewable on the page I went to, but I didn't spend more than ten seconds there. I closed it and, though I wish I could say I just avoided sin altogether that night, I ended up m~sturbating.

So help me here. Does that count as acting out? I didn't use it the way I've done so in the past, but it was close enough. I feel terrible I even got that far. I hate that it's come back to me, even after being over 100 days free. Why won't it just go away?! I'm not trying to excuse myself here. I just want someone else's opinion. If I need to begin again at Day 1, then I will.

The thing is, for the past few weeks, I've felt so much weaker. It's like God has withdrawn His grace from me. The other night, my dad was telling my family and I about the mini-explosion of work he's been having thanks to the prayers he asked us to give to him. Before that, it had been slow and not much going on. That was proof that all of our prayers were helping him. I'm wondering if maybe that's what the deal is with me. After it first came to light to my family about my addiction, they were all very helpful and supportive. They told me they prayed for me every day. A bunch of people even put my name in the temple. And, man...I had no desire to look at p~rnography at all for three months. I wasn't even that tempted by m~sturbation (though I was a few times and I have given in to that).

Do I really need to rely on the prayers of others for strength for the rest of my life? When will I reach a point where I won't need it so much (if ever)? What can I do? I don't want to forever beg people to pray for me, as much as I need it. I'm sure they all need it just as much as me. If you would, I'd ask any who read this to pray for me. I need it. And I'll be sure to pray for all of you as well.


Step 1: Honesty    
"Well done closing the page when you did. That is growth which deserves to be recognized and should be seen in a positive light. That being said, if you can't say it wasn't a slip, then it probably was.

Early on, I found it better to be honest and reset the counter than to try and rationalize a way to keep it going. Leaving the counter running attempts to justify what you have done and leaves room to repeat it. Now you know that going to a website, even if you don't "view" anything, is not in line with recovery. It promotes the same feelings of shame. It drives away the spirit, and it opens the door to allow Lucifer back into your life.

On the other hand, being honest with yourself now will promote a spirit of humility and allow Christ back into your life. From there, the sobriety counter might not stop for all of eternity. :)"
posted at 11:46:39 on May 16, 2011 by paul
Acting Out    
"I am not going to sugar coat this. To be honest, if you have to ask whether or not you slipped, then you did. Could you imagine President Monson doing what you did?

With that being said, I think the most important question you need to ask to what you need to do so that it does not happen again. You need to come up with a strategy."
posted at 12:30:07 on May 16, 2011 by Anonymous
"Funny you should ask this question as I was about to ask the same thing about my middle of the night experience. I assume you're only asking about the porn because clearly mb is a slip. If you went to the site, but didn't view any porn (I'd use the 3 second rule), then I wouldn't reset your date. It wasn't a wise move, but if you didn't look, I wouldn't call it a slip. Only you can decide if you looked and for how long.

I wouldn't say this temptation is a lack of prayers. It may just have been a needed wake up call to make sure you don't get complacent. I don't think you'll need other people's prayers the rest of your life. You can put your own name on the temple prayer rolls by calling the temple.

I'll look forward to hearing what you decide about your sobriety date. I think I'll post my question and see what people have to say about it.

posted at 14:55:43 on May 16, 2011 by dstanley
Restart and Recommit    
"When I met with my Bishop about my MB problem, he told me I should not hesitate to put my own name on the prayer roll. And, Zero, I think there are probably a lot more people praying for you than you think. We cannot measure the impact our prayers or the prayers of others have on our life. And I bet your Bishop is praying for you too. Imagine how much harder it would be for you to abstain if it weren't for prayers. We may not always feel like prayers are being offered or heard, but I always try to remind myself that someday my eyes will be open and I will see all the efforts that were being made on my behalf, especially when I was hurting or trying to repent. I really believe that.

If you are tempted to return to those websites, I would suggest you get a fliter put on your computer. Have someone else install it and put a password on it, so you cannot go in and make the changes. Make it as hard as possible. If I willingly went to a site like that, I would have to say I slipped. I would be afraid if I didn't that the next time I might take it a step further and rationalize it. When we start rationalizing, we start walking on thin ice. Think about how you ended up addicted to start with. I'm guessing it was probably one little thing after the next until suddenly you were trapped.

Repentance is a beautiful thing and the really wonderful thing about it is that Heavenly Father never runs out of it or forgiveness. Don't be afraid to reset your counter. I don't even keep up with how many days. I just take a day at a time and be thankful that I made it through one more day."
posted at 20:34:49 on May 16, 2011 by want2change
Covenant Eyes    
"I have Covenant Eyes on my computers at home. I have my bishop and a friend as my accountabilty partners. I really like it. It doesn't keep me from going places, but I sure think twice and if I go someplace questionable it reports it to the two of them. To uninstall it you have to go to the site for a code and it notifies your accountability partners."
posted at 23:14:14 on May 16, 2011 by dstanley
Back At One    
"I appreciate everyone's input. I decided to go ahead and reset back to Day 1. I feel I saw enough to warrant it counting as a slip. I wasn't hesitating because I didn't want to start all over again, but because I knew that it meant I hadn't come as far along as I had hoped. I mean...three months without any desire at all and now...I dunno. It's just hard to admit that it's still in me, that it's still a hunger that I desire.

My problem with filters is that, if I want to find something badly enough, I can find ways around them. I've tried several in the past, to no avail. Ultimately, I'd rather say that I didn't go to the websites because I made the choice not to and not because I was afraid of someone else seeing my activity or because the site was blocked. Is that prideful? Maybe.

Really, though, the problem is with m~sturbation. It was because I wanted to do it that I went to the site in the first place. I really need to overcome this addiction, but it's too easy to rationalize and give in to. And though I've confessed the problem to my bishop, stake pres, and mission pres in the past, none of them have ever really said much on the matter, like it wasn't terrible enough to worry about. I don't know. It's just hard for me when even in the Church it seems like it's no big deal. You'd think more would be said about something that's so common, right?

Anyway, Day 1 for me. I'm not disappointed or downtrodden. The numbers don't matter so much to me. What matters is my desire, whether I want it or not. As for the prayers, I'm sure people are praying for me, but initially when the problem comes to light, people tend to be more mindful of it and as time goes on the issue sort of inadvertently gets forgotten or put on the backburner, ya know? Not that I'm mad or upset about that. I'm the same way and I understand. It was just so nice going for so long with all that strength and now I feel so weak and defenseless."
posted at 23:44:09 on May 16, 2011 by Zero
Hang in there!    
"Zero, I'm glad to see you are being honest with yourself. I know what you mean about having so much strength and support when you initially share your burdens with others. Keep your name on the prayer roll, and keep coming here. We can pray for you too.

I too have a problem with MB. I am trying hard to overcome it. I'm female, so I feel like it is quite different for me than it is for you brothers, but it is an addiction nevertheless. One thing I have determined to do is whenever I have the urge, I go work on a puzzle. I bought a hard puzzle that forces me to focus on it, and it is amazing, but it does help. I'm sure different things work for different people, so find what works for you. Try some different things until you find what works. You'll be in my prayers. God bless you and keep you!"
posted at 17:29:54 on May 22, 2011 by want2change
My 2 cents    
"I would tell you that that is a slip, just because if I told you it wasn't, you would probably do it again, and again because "It's not a slip." and that really would be a slip."
posted at 19:00:29 on June 16, 2011 by SeminaryKid
Masturbation is a slip any way you slice it.    
posted at 21:24:49 on June 16, 2011 by Anonymous
"I Just want to thank you guys for all your comments... I'm from Chile, and I have also a problem with MB and porn... I am trying to do my best in keeping myself away from all that... Today I was looking for the church website of Argentina, and trough a spelling error I found this page. IT WAS THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS, YOU WERE THE ANSWER TO MAY PRAYERS.

Adding something to your good advices, I'm witness of the strength that comes through fasting. you can do it as many times you need, not just one day every month, try fasting once a week or twice, it will help you a lot.

English is not my native language, so forgive me if I wrote something wrong. Thanks again."
posted at 03:23:09 on July 1, 2011 by Anonymous

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson