From Loved One to Addict
By sierra
5/15/2011 1:15:03 PM
I used to be a regular fixure on this blog. I came here all the time for support and help when I first found out about my husbands addiction. It was a really hard time. I won't go into the details but I guess you could go back and read about it if you wanted. I was pretty bitter. Then I got better through a lot of prayers and of course, the Atonement. My husband got better, too, and didn't participate in anything "bad" for a couple years. I really believed he was healed and that the whole thing was behind us and we could just move on with our lives. Then about a year ago he had a really minor setback. Really minor. But just the fact that it happened put me into a tailspin. I kinda freaked out and slipped back into the depression. I convinced myself that it was starting all over again and I dunno...I guess I gave up a little bit. I gave up on our marraige ever being forever because I was just waiting for the next "slip" that would lead to full blown addiction again. I knew I couldn't go through it again. I barely survived the first round. So I let my feelings for my husband change and I began a friendship with another man. A man at work. We met last October. We became really good friends. He asked me on a date but I said No..because I was married. He respected that and we continued our friendship. I thought he was really attractive but would never EVER act on it. And then one night at work, after my husband and I had gotten in an argument earlier in the day, I told my "friend" all about the whole porn thing and I just spilled my guts to him. I had never told a soul (besides the Bishop) about what happened and it felt so good to tell someone and have them sympathize with me and just listen. A couple weeks later he tried to kiss me but I turned my cheek. He tried a couple times to kiss me actually and I always turned my head and told him that I couldn't. I was married. And then one night at work I didn't turn my head..and we kissed. After that, I told myself all sorts of things to make it alright. I told myself "Well...HE cheated first." or "He was never loyal to me so why should I be loyal to him?" or all sorts of other rationalizations and justifications. I know it's wrong but I didn't stop it right at the beginning and now I'm two months into an affair. I can't believe I'm having an affair. I really can't. I've followed the rules and kept the commandments my entire life!!! And one little slip and one little kiss and it just snowballed. We started talking or texting every single day. I started going over to his house on my days off from work. I think I'm in love with him. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together. I'm so confused right now because I do love my husband. In fact, after that minor slip..he's been right back on track. In fact, I feel more compassion and forgiveness for my husband now than I ever have in the past. Because now I KNOW how you can love someone but still be willing to hurt them. I never understood that in the past. I now KNOW what it's like to wake up every morning determined to do the right thing and make the right choices and go to bed disgusted with yourself for falling into temptation once more. I pretty much hate myself but I don't know how to get out of this situation. I don't think I can give him up yet. Every time I try to end things, he somehow talks me out of it. I guess I'm addicted to how he makes me feel. He makes me feel so beautiful and special and perfect. I really don't know what to do. I never thought I would switch over from the "loved ones" side of the blog to the addicts side...but there you go. I don't know where else to turn and the kind people on this blog helped me out once I thought I'd write. Even though I'm so ashamed to even admit this.


So Sorry    
"I'm so sorry you're where you're at. Unfortunately you've learned the hard way just how quickly a little lapse can turn into something you swore you'd never do. You need to end the affair. If you're not willing to right now, start praying for willingness. It's hard to give up a relationship that makes you feel good (at least in some ways). You know the right thing to do, you're just caught up in things. Try writing a Pros and Cons list for staying in the affair, I think you'll see that it isn't worth it. Talk to your bishop. Get a counselor. Do everything you can to stop things before they totally ruin your life. Do you really want to be with a man who has no respect for marital vows? He had no respect for you or your vows when he continued to pursue a relationship with you. He doesn't love you and doesn't respect you. If there's something missing in your marriage, work with your husband to improve it. If you let this affair ruin your marriage, you'll regret it the rest of your life. I almost had sex with a stranger because he said all the right things to me. He told me I was beautiful and sexy. He was sweet. I felt on top of the world. It's hard to let go of that, but it isn't real. Your guy and mine are thinking of themselves. They know what we want to hear and they say it to get what they want. Your husband loves you! You're blessed to have a husband who loves you. I would give just about anything to have that right now. Don't throw that away. It's going to be hard, but you can do it. I wish I could give you a big hug. I'll be praying for you."
posted at 17:29:54 on May 15, 2011 by dstanley
"Just wow. Your story is...well, it's all sorts of things. I'm simultaneously fascinated about how something like that happened and saddened that it happened at all. You will definitely find help here. I'm relatively new and this site has been great. I know that I won't ever be judged because we're all in the same boat pretty much.

As for your situation, I agree with DStanley. As hard as it will likely be, you need to end the relationship with the other man. Part of your story sounds very similar to the book "The Worth Of Every Soul." It's an LDS man's tale of how he committed adultery, was excommunicated from the Church, then returned. It speaks a lot of his relationship with this other woman and the way he described it is pretty much the same way you have--that she made him feel loved in a way his wife didn't, that he felt like he needed her, that he thought he was really in love with her, that it hurt to think about ending the relationship. You might want to read it.

I want you to know that I don't judge you at all (I'm in no place to do so), but this just proves to me that none of us are immune, that we all have the potential to fall. You know, earlier in your life, you always think, "There's no way that would happen to me. I would never do that." I remember saying those very things about p~rnography, but now I'm addicted to it. Who'da thunk? We all have to keep up our guard and shun pride. Life really is a straight and narrow path, almost like a tightrope, and even the slightest slip is enough to send us falling straight down.

You've recognized the problem as a problem so that's good. You're heading in the right direction. Keep going."
posted at 23:56:11 on May 15, 2011 by Zero
""I'm addicted to how he makes me feel"
This is step #1. Nice work.

my opinion, is that It's never just 1 kiss or 1 click on a website that, oops, just leads into an affair. It;s 10 things like... you forgot to say your prayers, you didn't praise the lord for all the blessings in your life (#1 of which is a good guy who is trying hard to be a better guy)

No SHAME From us on this site... BUT I HAVE Intense white hot anger for this "Friend" of yours, what a SNAKE. PRIDE goeth before the FALL... This is how I slip and fall all the time..

Check out the
7 Stages of a Relationship />
Sounds like you are days away from the conflict stage...

I'd pay you $50 bucks if you asked your "FRIEND" about his relationship with porn.... that should kill your attraction to him right?

If he's a MARRAIGE DESTROYER... it's 99.99% that he's into PORN as well.
If I only had a baseball bat and this guy in a back alley..."
"This was a difficult post to read. Your posts about the healing that had taken place in your marriage gave me such hope when hope is what I really needed. I'm sorry things have taken such a downward turn and have brought back so much pain.

Zero is right, none of us can or will judge you. But we do hurt for you and want to help in any way we can. Even if prayers are all we can offer. Please end your relationship with your friend. You need to find the missing intimacy you should have with your husband. Please seek for healing. There can still be healing for you, your husband, and your family."
posted at 11:36:56 on May 16, 2011 by paul
"Sierra I don't know if you've read much of my story but one thing I understand is the confusion. Fortunately for me the woman who had those Jedi love powers over my mind turned out to be a little too crazy; even for me. Ultimately her being glaringly nuts made things a little less confusing. Maybe, for you time and circumstance will lift the fog.

I think the 2 things that saved my bacon most were prayer and talking to people. I think I honestly learned to talk to God through all this more then I ever had previously. I mean i'd talk...and talk....and talk and talk. Until I felt the Spirit. And then things really started rolling as soon as I opened up to a few people. Which incidentally started here on my birthday just about 359 days ago. From there I actually told a stranger I befriended on a stay in China. Then a friend (which I DON'T recommend...but then again God is in charge. Perhaps it was necessary). Then a counselor. Then a million different people in 12 step programs all over including my sponsor. And then finally my wife.

Sickness lives in secrets. Looking back I realize for me one of the biggest things that bound me to the affair was the fact that only she knew of my secret life. I had no one to bounce reality off of. I could always turn to her because she knew everything...and she seemed to understand me. If I lost her who would I have? That also put her in a strong position of power in my mind because I was desperately afraid, though unwilling to amit it in favor of believing in this fairy tale - David and Bathsheba romance, of how she could possibly hurt and shame me in so many ways. All tough that felt like real deep intimacy it wasn't. It was shared sickness living in secret that I was selling my soul for.

I do feel for you. I know that burning passion for someone is a crazy drug. I know the feelings of unsurpassed freedom and ecstasy. I know what it feels like to feel so connected to someone that during and after conversations you have you think the gods and your ancestors behond the veil must have somehow willed this "unorthodox" relationship to be so. How could something so wrong feel so right? I also know what its like to resent not having those feelings with the person you should. But since putting them behind me, for a season at least, God has not left me comfortless.

A lot of people here and in life will pretend they know how things are and how they should play out. But the truth is only you and God know what is and what needs to happen. What worked for me was prayer and opening the vault.

posted at 01:38:15 on May 17, 2011 by They speak
"I appreciate all the comments. I really do. It's Tuesday and I'm off from work today. He's also off on Tuesdays and that's the day I usually go over to his house. I'm sitting here trying to get the strength up to call him and tell him I'm not coming but in the back of my mind I know I probably will. They Speak described my feelings perfectly..."burning passion". THat's what I feel for him. His name is Jay and I'm so happy when I'm with him. When I go over to his house I swear that time speeds up because I just never want to leave and our time together goes so fast. I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. We have an agreement to never lie to each other. He's told me stuff that he's done that most people would lie about...but he told me the TRUTH and it made me fall for him even more. I even asked him about porn and if he watches it. Even after knowing full well how I despise porn and how i feel like it ruined my life he still admitted that he watched it all the time when he was in the Marines but since he's been home he rarely does. He's not LDS so I assumed he probably had and was so happy that he could at least tell me the truth. I know that people think he's a snake and all that but honestly, he's not. He's not the one that's married...that would be me. He's such a good person. In fact, he's the reason that things haven't gone as far as they could have. We haven't had actual sex yet, just the other kind (the BIll Clinton kind). When I was over last Tuesday we came really close. I was so caught up in the moment and was willing to go all the way but HE is the one that stopped things and told me that I needed to think of my family. He told me he knew I'd feel too guilty and he didn't want to cause me that pain. He's a great guy. I don't expect anyone to believe me, though. He's so perfect for me and just like They Speak said I've often wondered if he was placed in my life to help me be happy again. But I know that's probably ridiculous. But I've wondered. I've had people comment to me that I just look different. They say I walk with a confidence and glow that I've not had in a long time. I'm happy! How can something so wrong bring me such joy? This is what I don't understand. At the same time, I know it IS wrong. I still can't believe this is happening to me. It seems like it happened so quickly but I guess it's been brewing for awhile now. When I look back I can see exactly where I went wrong. It was so subtle I didn't see it at the time but now it's so clear. I graduated from nursing school and got an excellent job as a nurse. I work night shift and I absolutely love it. I love everything about being a nurse. I work really long hours. Sometimes I work 75 hours a week. Most weeks I do that. I have to because unfortunately my husband wracked up thousands and thousands of dollars in debt on pornography. He had secret credit cards that I didn't even know about plus he took out a home equity loan on our house. He even had credit cards in my name. I thought originally that it was about $40,000 but little by little he "remembered" about one other card or one other debt that he "forgot" to tell me about and I found out that he owed over $80,000. We almost lost our house. We agreed that I would work like crazy and we'd get this paid off and move on with our lives. I'm working 5-6 days a week for 13 hours a day plus an hour commute both ways. Most mornings I come home so completely spent that all I want is to get in bed and pass out. I stopped reading scriptures about a year ago. When you only get 5 hours of sleep a day then anything that takes time away from sleep is put on the shelf. That was probably my first mistake. I was working so hard and everytime I had to hand over my paycheck to my husband to pay off his debts it just ate at me. I started feeling so resentful because I was working my tail off to pay for his past "encounters" with other women. It was a hard pill to swallow and I became bitter a little bit. It didn't help matters that it seems my husband is always irritated with me because I don't have time for him. Since I work nights and he works days we don't sleep in the bed at the same time. This is a problem when it comes to intimacy. On days when I DO have off from work I'm so tired and so behind on regular life that I feel like I need to catch up and then he gives me attitude because I don't make time for him in my busy schedule. Well excuse me! I want to be like "I wouldn't even HAVE to work this much if it wasn't for you! How about a THANK YOU instead of a guilt trip?" So when I look back I can see how it happened...even though I still can't believe it. I was spending all my time with someone else...and I let my guard down one night and accepted a kiss. And now here we are. I don't want to go to the Bishop because I know I'm not ready to give Jay up. I don't want to be one of those frequent flyers that constantly is confessing to the Bishop every week for the same sin over and over. I want to be able to stop and be done with it and only have to confess once. I know I'm not ready to stop seeing him. I absolutely adore him and it would break my heart to lose him. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I know what I need to do ...I just don't know how. :("
posted at 10:05:44 on May 17, 2011 by sierra
A Thought    
"I'm really not trying to judge you here, Sierra, but you need to realize that this happiness you feel with Jay is only temporary. The scriptures tell us that "wickedness never was happiness," that we can't be eternally happy in our sins. Maybe for a moment, but that moment will not last. Near the end of the Book of Mormon, the Nephites are cursing God and sorrowing because He wouldn't let them be happy in their sins. It's a terribly sad tale, especially since the Lord gives them every chance to repent, but they don't take it and end up being utterly destroyed.

Now, I don't know your situation and can't say I understand or know what's right for you, but from reading your comment, I will again reiterate that you can't be happy in your sins. Not eternally. This is why the devil is so effective. He gets us to think that what we're doing isn't so bad because, look! We're happy! It makes us feel good. It's not hurting anyone, right? Those and others are the lies that all of us here have fallen for.

It's probably good that you don't go to the bishop because, from what you've said, you're clearly not ready to repent. I know that feeling. I would think to myself, "But I can't repent just yet because I still want to look at p~rnography some. Just a little bit longer." This is what the scriptures refer to as "procrastinating the day of our repentance." This is a dangerous path to keep treading. There might come a day when you finally want to repent and it's suddenly too late. Don't wait. Don't let Satan continue to blind and deafen you with his lies. He's so good at what he does that we often don't even realize he's doing anything to us at all. We rationalize and justify and he slowly leads us down to Hell with a flaxen cord, bit by bit, lulling us into a false sense of security. He's had thousands of years to practice so he's pretty good at what he does by now, knowing exactly what needs to be said or done to get us to remain in sin. He's tricked you, the way he's tricked all of us here. You know you've done something wrong, but you're rationalizing it as something good. The scriptures also warn us not to call evil good and good evil.

Again, I'm not judging you. My words may have come out sounding a little harsh, but I think if anyone can speak harshly to us, it's each other because we're all in the same boat and we all need a kick in the pants every now and then. I've had my butt handed to me a few times on here as well, but it's been good for me. Humility is key to repentance and it's hard to stay humble so it helps to have others to humble us."
posted at 11:07:51 on May 17, 2011 by Zero
Hey Sierra    
"Remember me, buddy you gave me so much good advice and helped me like an angel.

Since those days I am still clean and doing well - Thank You so much for that advice.

Honestly I have no idea of what you feel other than the addict side.

Look first things first, find out if you are an addict, because you have an affair is not going to make you an addict. You have a need to be loved, so did I and I do still, we all do. You are not alone but normal people need as much love as the addict does does.

Sin does not make you an addict.

About the guy - He obviously makes you feel special and loved like you always wanted to be loved. That is a real need that only your husband is allowed to fulfill. Obviously he is failing to do so (in your mind) or you would not be seeking it elsewhere. Holding your husband in limbo while you get that loving feeling is just widening the ever gaping gap between you guys. At that rate, you are right he will never be able to fully love you.

I am sure you will get the doctrinal answers in this thread and you know they are true but I am sure it means a lot less now that you have finally tasted of being loved. I do not buy this talk of the guy being a snake, no he probably feels happy to be with you too but if you are wrong and you have sex with him - he leaves when bored - you will be left with nothing.

If his feelings are for real, you still have to get over the honeymoon stages after all the passion - and start from scratch with him - DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THAT!!

Enough of the logic, it stands no chance against the emotions you feel towards the new guy in the moment.

Just don't have sex with him, it is going to happen if you do not end it now. The road to healing as a loved one is harder than that of the addict for sure I am 100% sure of that.

You are special. So are the little ones (like to little guy who watched you kiss you man 50 times before work - I still remember that and hope that one day my girls can shout out the same things).

Because you have sinned does not make you a bad person, YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEEL ANYTHING RIGHT NOW OTHER THAN GODLY SORROW and love for your children, pray for it and save your marriage IF YOU WANT TO SALVAGE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

Ok one more bit of logic:

Saving your children from destruction is a function of saving your marriage.
Only the Lord can save our marriages. Get closer to him and you get closer to your husband but that means bye bye mr nice guy

God Bless."
posted at 13:00:15 on May 17, 2011 by ruggaexpat
"I was up half the night reading your blogs to try to understand. I'm going to kind of go off here so bare with me. I hope i'm able to get my point across.

I'm a slow reader so I never found if you or your husband ever went to meetings or therapy? Dude, i'm not one to say where the bear scats in the woods...but you guys need it bad. Real bad. Maybe you've went to therapy so a lot of what i'm about to say is irrelevant, but I don't give 2 craps about your husband reputation or how often he bares his testimony at church. I'm the sleaziest sleaze this side of the seven seas, probably gonna be excommunicated, and I can still get up and bare a testimony that will light the walls on fire and melt peoples faces off. Big whoop. So talking about Jesus brings the Spirit. Doesn't mean nothin about what i'm up too. And it sure as hell doesn't mean i'm above taking a good hard look in the mirror (going to meetings/therapy/talking to my wife about her feelings concerning what I've done) and recognizing all of who I am or that by doing so is Satans way of getting me to wallow in the past - as you said he puts it. No. Not doing so is Satans way of getting me to wallow in the present. Which obviously for you guys wasn't so glamourous in spite of his wicked powerful testimony and new found perfect sobriety. If nothing else you needed to heal and from what I gather and especially in light of your most recent blogs you never did. And now you've found a healer and a savior in Jay. And though healing is your responsibility it doesn't sound like your husband helped the process along. Please correct me if I'm wrong or if I'm being a dick. I totally get the "Hey! I can bag on my spouse but you, sir, can not. So kindly piss off." theme. So if I cross the line sorry. I'm just trying to make sense of this. But given your current set of circumstances I'd definitely assume he's gonna wish he would have given you, both of you, the opportunity to council with some folks about your feelings and circumstances before you ended up counseling with prince charming.

I read how he had a revelation to help someone. Awesome story. However, you claimed there was no way he could be so inclined had he not been living right. Not true. At least in my opinion. And just because you're keeping the letter of the law of chastity doesn't mean your a wholly temple anyway. Sounds to me like he wasn't taking very good care of you emotionally from what I've read. He isolated you and your family to "cover [his] sins" from what I can tell. What's wholly about that? To add to my evidence that the Spirit can inspire a dirty rotten scrubs - a personal story: Last summer I was separated from my wife, going to strip clubs, drinking heavily, smokin buddha and still talking to my girlfriend often and basically had little to do with activity in the church when I heard the Spirit tell me explicitly that I should tell a punk A-d kid I worked with who had no intention of going on a mission to go on a mission. I even got in an argument with the Spirit over it. I told him he had the wrong guy. I told him I hate telling people to do things they've already made their mind up not to do. I told him it would only serve to drive the kid further away. I told him his impressions were down right pissin me off. Well, the Spirit had his mind made up too. So I turned to ol Doe and said "John, God's telling me you need to go on a mission." I also explained to him that I was pissed I was the messenger and that I could care less what he did. I then said "John...all a mission is is learning to be friends with God...and then showing others how to do it too. Go be friends with God." About an hour later our manager called him and told him the same thing. He left for Mexico about a month ago. Speaking of which I need to write that fool.

Don't get me wrong from the sounds of it your spouse is twice the man I'll ever be chaste wise and probably is very in tune with the Spirit. And that's ultra admirable. I'm jealous. But is it enough? The reason I mention this is it seems to me through reading your blogs you justified being starved and isolated emotionally because your husband is a spiritual dude. And thats cool and all. But I'm just saying if your wife is starving you're probably not quite as spiritual as you, her, and the ward all think and you are and turning a blind eye to it aint helpin no one. That's my point I guess.

Maybe i'm wrong but it seems pretty obvious to me that your needs have not been met and the first Marine to come along and meet them is now your knight and shinning armor. It makes sense. Zero said wickedness never was happiness. I think nothing could be truer of being in a damned relationship. Damned literally. Like lake damn. One in which needs are constantly over looked and undermined. One in which self preservation puts the kibosh on validation, openness, realness, trust, honesty, safety, and forgiveness. A relationship that is not progressing in these things is in a state of wickedness...and very unhappy. Sound familiar? It makes sense that on a number of different levels you're now finding joy in this new exciting relationship with Jay. But will last? Only you know that. And is it impossible to enjoy all those thing "the right way"? Only you truly know that.

Here's the thing, i'd conjecture that all these unmet needs, now being fulfilled by mr. perfect ;) , can be fulfilled by your husband. You can repent. Both of you. It just takes a willingness to learn how. For both of you. And having a few revelations, "sobriety", and a strong testimony obviously wont and hasn't cut it. Back to the drawing board. You guys can't do it alone as it seems you've tried. But you can do it, if you will. Promise.

Again, I'd do me some real talkin to God. Tell him everything. Flippin everything. There is no one map home fits all. But you need a map. And you need a guide. So pray. He'll be there. "
posted at 16:36:58 on May 17, 2011 by they speak
"Your posts have affected me more than I would like to admit. I have followed your posts as a lurker on the blogs here for years. Your experiences have helped me as an addict to remember the pain I caused my wife and the reasons for staying sober.

All along, a common thread in your frustrations has been a lack of honesty in your relationship with your husband. He hid his pre-marital infidelities and his porn addiction and was less than forthcoming with confessions to you when he needed to.

I believe you already know what you need to do. It is exactly what you would want your husband to do if the tables were turned. Stop the relationship with Jay. NOW. The bigger pit you dig, the harder it is to get out. You need to confess to your husband. NOW. This is the same honesty you want from him - it is only fair. You will both then need to work with your Bishop and a marriage counselor. Your marriage is worth saving. Think of your four kids.

In your recent posts, you said that you know what you need to do, but don't know how. I firmly believe that the 12 step program is "repentance for dummies." I don't think it just applies to addicts - anyone with a need to repent can follow the steps and take advantage of the atonement.

Please pray for the desire and courage to do what you know to be right, and then do it. Don't throw away everything for a mirage of happiness.

I'm praying for you and yours"
posted at 17:26:44 on May 17, 2011 by chubbyhubby
oh dear Sierra    
"I do not come here often, but I did and feel so sad that you are in this situation. But I understand how it feels like to be married to a porn addict and to feel like your needs will never be met by him. I have been unhappy and unfifilled our whole 10 years old marriage. So many lies and deception, financial insecurity because of his poor choices, name it...
There have been so many moments where I wished another life and especially another man in my life. Such a big whole in my heart. I was so fortunate as to be directed to the 12 steps and to therapy. I had my emotions validated and learned that I needed to heal. Christ would fill that hole and heal my heart and put my life back together. I am an educated (I went back to school part time to finally do my masters), and I like to think a strong women, but this pain and hole in my heart was to big for me. I really believed taht the 12 steps saved my emotional, spiritual life and the future of my children. I do not take for granted my marriage nor do I believe taht I have to be married to this man for ever, but trough Christ's love I know that I can be happy and will end up fulfilled no matter what happens in my life. Satan wants to destroy your soul and those of your children. He went after your husband and succeeded to a certain degree, still you were there protecting the children, and you guys survived and he launched an attack on you. He knows that if he can get you then those children's life would be scarred for ever.
I really do not want you to feel anymore guilty. But I want to share with you a bit of our story. My husband parents have been divorced since he was about 6 years old. My mother in law left for another man. They were a strong couple in the church, she even use to be relief soc president and him the bishop. Many years of unfulfilled needs led her to meet a man at work with whom she fell in love. He was everything whe always dreamed of. After 2 years of fighting and hell in the home, they divorced. She worked a lot and her spare time spent time with her new man. Now, no one can judge her, however the consequences have been devastating on her children. Already traumatised by the worse nightmare for a child (parents divorce), the were emotionally and spiritually neglected by their mother. My husband and his brothers grew up broken little boys, lonely, crushed and sad little boys, with no direction, no self-esteem. They had such a sad childhood wich marked them for life. A tragedy for the family. There are 3 boys, one became a heroine addict, one has gambling problems and probably a sex addict. My husband seemed to be ok at first, he was the only one who stayed active, went on a mission, always the spiritual one, etc. He has been battling a porn addiction since his teens. All 3 have had unhappy lives and relationships. His older bother's wife just recently left him (the one with the gambling problem), we had their little girl here for some time. How sad that little girl is, she is 4 years old and grabs on any attention she can from anyone, her parents are so busy with their lives and problems, that she is left emotionnally and spiritually alone. She is so insecure and sad. My heart breaks for her as I tried even in the midst of my own mess to reassure her. I know that she feels like her life is coming apart and there is nothing she can do about it.
There has been so much pain and continue to be so much pain in this family. Hearing all of this in therapy and my husband's childhood comming to light, I could not but wished that my mother in law had tried a little harder, even, if it meant denying herself. If she could have given her marriage a real chance and kicked prince charming away.
Knowing all this and the consequences of making some mistakes on my children has really motivated me to seek help for myself. I know that Christ can fill that whole .. so much better than any man. He can give us that love that we are all seeking like no human on this earth can.
Now, my mother-in-law story is quite sad, the man is extremely wealthy and thou he promised to marry her, he never did. A divorce would be too costly and he wanted to protect his own children. So to this day, she has been his mistress for 20 years. He bought her a house, vacations, etc.. but there is so much shame in her, and bitterness. She is a very unhappy women at 60... She left her God and her family for what she thought was love...the consequences have been tragic for her children and for herself. Now, I am not saying, that you will end up like that. I am just saying, that God does not protect and sanction a union that is not right and ultimately it can not prosper, become everlasting if it is not right...
Heavenly Father and your SAvior love you, more than any man can ever pretend to. They will help you as you turn to them. This life is only a test. It is very temporary. Soon we will be reunited with them. You have a special mission here on this earth, God has entrusted you with the care of 4 beautiful children who need you to be there emotionnally and spiritually for them. They probably know something is wrong but they do not know what , they may be hurting... they need you to be the best mother you can be.
I am so sorry if I sound preachy, if I am making you feel guilty and you probably were already aware of all of this. But I do it in the hopes that it can strenghten your resolve to go to the bishop right away and get the help you need. Not to delay it any longer. The more you delay, the more everyone suffers, including the children.
I will pray for you!!!"
posted at 20:41:52 on May 17, 2011 by crushed
Well said Crushed!    
"Articulated well. So much to consider. As usual I think you're pretty awesome. I miss you being around. It seems like a lot of my old friends, aside from good ol D, never come around here anymore. I know I don't as much either. I miss you all. You know who you are.

p.s. Sierra my user name is messed up so I can't edit my posts which I usually do after I read them a few hours latter. I didn't mean to marginalize your husbands baring of his testimony or the like. I have a tendency to speak in exaggerated pros to make my points. I hope I didn't get too carried away and that my message came across :)"
posted at 23:22:46 on May 17, 2011 by They speak
I used to be like "Jay".. beware    
"What triggered me is that "he looked at a lot of porn before in the marines" but doesnt really look at it now... Um.. right.. I have told that line to many women. Why would he quit? He's not LDS and theres nothing wrong with it.

Ive been read many fantasies by other scumbags like I was that there's nothing like getting a nice mormon wife to fall for you.. They have to break all sorts of boundaries to let them take you. He's playing it coy. I would have done the same. It's a good strategy.

I wish I could express the pain, regret, the suffering you will feel about 20 minutes after you do the deed. I should have known and it didnt stop me. Oh.. the pain wont stop for about a billion years.

Look... Jay might be a better soulmate for you but a secret relationship will be poisoned from the beginning. Will it lead to marriage? What will you tell people? "We met in an affair?" that will be awkward.

If you keep it a secret, you will get caught. Eventually. Period.

If you think he is truly your soul mate then see if he respects boundaries. Get it out of the cellar.

Honorable way -- Tell your husband that you want a divorce. Divorce. Date Jay. No sex with Jay until marriage. Marry Jay. You have justification to do this. Your husband was a porn addict and you couldnt get over it. done.

Sleazier way - Tell your husband you want a separation. Date Jay. Be bad. My Guess is Jay will move on, his porn will come out. The infactuation will wear off. You will confess to bishop.You might go back to husband. Life will suck because now you BOTH have to forgive each other. Oh and your kids will suffer.

Sleaziest way- Tell your husband you want an open marriage to explore if this is what you want. Everything else is the same as above. Might be easier since a divorce would be financially messy for you guys.

Totally sleasy way -- have a secret affair. get caught. let your pride tell you to leave DH and go to Jay. Jay dumps you and you become the fuel for one of those fantasy articles.

However -- Im no person to judge.. My insanity has taken me far beyond what you are doing. I will regret that for the rest of eternity.

We will be here when you need a non condeming voice to help you out again.

One request.. Please be less detailed in your slips. the places and activities. Those of us who are addicted to the fantasy aspect of addiction will be fueled by your play by play."
posted at 06:22:11 on May 18, 2011 by Hurtallover
"Hey girl. Life is super crazy right now...but I had to write a little and let you know I am thinking of you! You're in a tough spot! I have so much I want to say and only a tiny bit of time to say something. For some reason advice given from a bishop friend of mine is coming to mind first. He said..."A broken heart is the best time for Heavenly Father to get in. It is also the ideal time for Satan to have his way with you. Be careful." That really stuck with me. How broken has your heart been? Has it ever been whole since you found out about your husband's lying and cheating? I know mine hasn't been whole. I miss that feeling. I can totally see how Jay could fill that void. The honesty he trusts you with, as a wife of a man who has lied and cheated…Yikes, Jay’s honesty sounds appealing. My husband and I saw a marriage counselor...Here is the weird thing. On our very first appointment he told me, "Make sure you take care of the feelings you have. Many women end up having affairs to make up the void feelings they have." I thought he was absolutely ridiculous!...Cheating is the whole problem with my marriage....why would I ever do it? But I stuffed away the warning he gave me. I actually pondered on it quite a bit...I was warned, this could happen...I have empty feelings that could be temporally filled by someone else. Sierra, I really don't think you had a fair kept everything to yourself...that's a heavy load!! I think that this problem is bigger than all of us. Crushed talked about the 12 steps. We all need help! I know that my heart is still broken...fair or not, I have to be on my guard to avoid temporary fixes. I am so sorry you are going through this.
One more thing I just have to say. How cool are you to come here and look for help!! You said you are not ready to give up Jay yet? Well coming here is a positive step. You might not yet have the desire to set things straight…but you have the desire to have the desire. Hope that makes sense. I just think you have taken more of a step in the right direction than you are giving yourself credit for.
Please know that you are in my prayers.
posted at 15:00:08 on May 18, 2011 by summer
Married for 14 years, soulmates for 1    
"I have been an addict for 30 years. I have been married for 14 years. I have had relapses into pornography on and off for years. Two years ago now, my wife decided she had had enough! She told me she wanted a divorce. During that time she had two men fall in love with her. Both married. One of them was her best friend. A friend she was far closer to than we ever were at the time. She locked her heart with them and dealt with our situation. After a few months of trying to throw me out and all **** breaking loose with our friends (and me having a relapse right in the middle of it) I realized I didn’t want to be that person anymore, and I wasn’t good for her or my 6 kids. I decided I was going to change even if she left me! We did work things out and even went to counseling. I had several relapses and we worked through each one together. She decided she wanted to work things out no matter what. Since the day I met her I have been madly in love with her, but I am an addict, I will always be an addict. I am getting better but I know some day I could and probably will relapse briefly. Because of our openness and our struggles over the last two years my wife now is just as madly in love with me! We both feel like soul mates. It is the happiest we have ever been.

I’m going to get a little hard now! Bill Clinton Sex is REAL sex just like a picture of a naked woman is REAL porn! You are justifying your actions to continue them! You are going through all of the addictive cycles your husband did! My addiction was the secrecy! Is yours! The question is do you want your husband to become your soul mate or do you want to lose your husband and Jake to guilt and pain. When the excitement of the secret encounters is over and the guilt of giving up your family kicks in will you still feel the same with Jake? Will you even be able to look him in the eye?

You and your husband can work through this together! It can make you stronger but you have to be completely honest with him and lock your heart for Jake! Your husband can be the one to confide in. He can do all the things Jake is doing, but you haven’t given him the chance to! You are hiding your addiction from him just like he did from you! Let him know how you feel. Open your heart, and pray with him! Go to your bishop! TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND! You can’t trust your heart right now, you are hurting too much, and Jake is your fix. Time will not help you decide either! All addicts become more entrenched as time goes on! Only you can decide! Make up your mind what you want to do, and no matter how hard it is, DO IT! You have the greatest understanding for the atonement anyone can. Use it to heal you and your family! It healed mine!

My heart, hope, and prayers are with you and your husband! Good luck sister!"
posted at 22:51:54 on May 18, 2011 by 30years
So confused.    
"All these comments mean more to me than I can ever express. It sure was lovely to hear from some of my old "friends" on the blog. You all were a big part of my life and healing at one time. So it was good to hear from you. I read every single comment...some of them more than once and I'm just now getting a minute to respond. Sorry it takes me so long.

I still can't believe Im in this situation. I really did feel like I had healed at one point from everything that had happened...but I guess maybe I had just hidden it pretty deep and just tried not to think about it. Maybe I never healed after all. I dunno. All I know is that I was happy again and then he slipped and all that happiness went away. I was just SOOOOO positive that he had had this miraculous change happen to him and that our problems were done for good. He never did any 12 steps or counseling and neither did I. He asked me to not tell a soul about it and I respected that wish (until I told Jay but I didn't think that counted since they would never meet). It was hard keeping it all in but I had this blog to come to when I really needed it. It would have been nice to have someone to put their arms around me and let me cry it out but I was glad in the end to not have told anyone because then I'd be afraid of feeling awkward around them. When my husband had his minor slip the Bishop wanted me to come in for counseling. He said he felt inspired that I needed to come in and talk to him about it and recieve some counsel. I absolutely refused. I told the Bishop NO WAY! I explained to him that talking about it brought back all the pain and why in the world would I want to relive that experience by talking about it? I wouldn't go. Now I see that maybe that was a mistake.

Tuesday I went over to Jay's house. I knew I would even though I was trying my hardest not to. Things got out of hand again and we almost had sex. I mean...we got as close as we possibly could and not actually do it. I have this blog to thank for that. I read the comments before going over there and something that Clrkwoman said came into my mind just at the exact moment I was trying to decide whether to "stop" or to just go for it. She said "Next time you talk to him, think of how Satan is whispering in his ear to be cunning and know exactly what to say to "get some more" from your physical body to feed his addiction. Well.. Jay was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and saying all sorts of loving things to me and that one comment came into my mind. All the sudden I could picture Satan there in the bed with us whispering in Jay's ear and that was it. All the sudden I just didn't want to do it anymore.I grabbed my clothes and started getting dressed. Jay was so confused but I just left as quick as possible. I just want to say thank you Clrkwoman (and everyone who has commented) for taking the time out of your busy lives to give me some advice. It literally saved me from making a huge mistake that could have been disasterous. I mean..I know I've already made some huge mistakes and just because we haven't done "that" doesn't mean that I don't have some serious repenting to do. I just don't even know how to get started. And I don't even want to. I guess I'm a coward or something.

Yesterday I tried to break it off with Jay. It didn't go well. Probably because he could sense my heart wasn't really in it. I was saying all the right "breakup words" and giving him the "I just want to be friends" speech but he wasn't buying it because he knows how much I love him. We texted and called back and forth all day and nothing was settled. He says he's not gonna just let me go without a fight. He really loves me. I don't care what anyone says. He does. He treats me like a queen. I know that every morning when I wake up there will be a cute text from him and every night I'll get another one saying goodnight. He just makes me feel so loved. Ending this will be the hardest thing I ever have to do. And once I tell my husband, our relationship will be pretty much ruined. Even though I stayed with him and tried to forgive him and work it out after he confessed his sins to me...I don't think he'll be able to do the same thing for me. I hope he does. But I doubt it. So part of me wants to just keep Jay and wait and see so I don't lose both my husband AND Jay. I don't know. What a mess I've made of it all. I wish I wasn't such a needy and pathetic person that's willing to commit huge sins just to feel loved. I love my husband. But I'm not IN love with him. So...yeah... I'm confused. I know what the RIGHT thing to do is...and I know what I WANT to do. I just wish they were one in the same, ya know?

Well, thanks again for all the comments. I appreciate advice. I appreciate the words of encouragement. I will keep you posted about what happens. I'm gonna continue to try to "break up" with Jay today. He's not gonna let me go easily so we'll see if I can actually do it. First step, is to WANT to do it. Which I don't. But I'm gonna try anyways. I might even actually pray today. I've prayed maybe 5 times in the last two months. I just don't feel worthy to pray or go to church or anything. I don't even know what to say in a prayer." I'm sorry"... just doesn't seem to cut it after all the blessings I've recieved and all that I've done. :("
posted at 09:51:58 on May 19, 2011 by sierra
He is waiting!    
"I know you don’t feel worthy to pray right now but I want you to know Your Heavenly father is just that! You’re Father! He is waiting for you to come bear your soul to him. He wants to hear all your frustrations about your husband and Jake. He wants to give you advice And comfort! He has a special place in his heart for mothers and wives. Read any conference talk about mothers and they all say it! I know you are confused and really hurting right now, but none of us can give you the peace and strength he can. You feel you don’t have the strength to do what you know is right, and you don’t want to. My wife didn’t want to stay with me two years ago when she got the answer to. It sounds like you already have your answer. The wanting part will come with the peace. It took my wife a long time to want to be here. She prayed all the time, especially when she didn’t want to! Now She loves me as much as I have always loved her! Go to him! He is waiting with open arms. He is your father; you are his little girl! He will cry with you! He will walk with you! He will carry you when you can’t walk! Brigham Young once said, “I would rather be at the gates of hell going the right way than at the gates of heaven going the wrong way!” Turn around sister and walk with him! You are in all our hearts and prayers!"
posted at 18:58:46 on May 19, 2011 by 30years
30 Years    
"Thanks for your beautiful words. They meant more than you know!"
posted at 01:04:59 on May 20, 2011 by Anonymous
Beautiful Sister    
"I'm so sorry for your pain, I know what it is, I am not going to tell you who to keep, I will only give one piece of advice. Come out, sin does not florish in the brightness, move towards the Savior and things will work out for you. Secrecy will desrtoy you and all that is good, we all sin and come short that is why the Lord provided a Savior, it's his plan, let him ease the pain. This is the hard choice, to come into the light, it is scary to face the uncertain, I don't know what is best for you only he does, but he wants you to be happy. Come out and move towards the Savior and it will be okay. You are a wonderful, thanks for all the help and encouragement you gave us. We all love you."
posted at 14:11:21 on May 21, 2011 by Anonymous
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...    
"Addressing the judgmental tone in Ette's post.
Maybe you can take this opportunity to reflect on the grief you've caused your own significant other. You have no idea how her husband will react. You may only have a thin grasp on how you would react."
posted at 16:19:52 on May 23, 2011 by Anonymous
"Are you judging Ette's judgmentalness? Ha!"
posted at 17:54:01 on May 23, 2011 by They speak
Still praying for you!    
"Sierra, You and your husband are still in my thoughts and prayers! As are everyone in this blog. In the eternal sence we really are just one big disfunctional family, hoping to see each other in heven when this life is over!"
posted at 23:47:54 on May 23, 2011 by 30years
"I am so sorry to read of your current situation.

You showed great courage in walking out.

Women who are dealing with the fallout of an unfaithful husband whether it was from P&M or Emotional or physical cheating find themselves in a very vulnerable place. Unless effort is taken to heal by going to counseling and attending support groups working through all the puss pockets then, we women are doing nothing less than white-knuckling it ourselves. We are in denial in a sense by not admitting our needs and stuffing emotions and not taking the necessary actions to heal. We are falling into the pits of Pride. We all know how that turned out. Not well.

You can still heal, and your husband can do all those little loving things you are craving that Jay is counterfeiting. Satan never gives up on destroying the family. If he can get to the mother he has scored. I believe one of the the most destructive aspects of infidelity in marriage is the damage done to the spirit, soul, and heart of the faithful spouse. It is a kin to a death, I believe that is why our Father in Heaven ranked it up there with murder. It is indescribable......

It takes at least 2 years ( in sobriety ) for the offending spouse to heal from his or her addictive behaviors and the same time if not longer for the faithful spouse to heal from the wounded heart, mind, spirit and body. I have to stay vigilant in my recovery tools. I can never stop praying, reading the scriptures, reading the ARP and PASG or Family Support manuals. Talking to a sponsor, journaling, learning about boundaries and setting them with consequences. for myself and my husband. Heck, this is work, but work that will pay big benefits.

You once said:
"I feel that sometimes addicts need to be told the TRUTH about what they're doing and how many lives it's destroying. The truth is sometimes harsh. I don't think it does anybody any favors to enable them and support them to the point that they convince themselves that relapses are normal and "one more time" is okay! "

Or that our behavior is justified because of the pain that has been inflicted upon us.... it makes us feel better, we deserve to feel better, and what ever will make me feel better is good for me. That is Satan, talking.

Save yourself, save your family, save your soul.......pray even if you do not feel like it, just do it. Do not text, call, or engage in conversations with Jay. It will hurt, and you are scared for the fall out of your actions just as the addicts are. But your Savior will be there for you again like he was before. Do not let the Great Deceiver have control of you and your life. Cast old Horney head and his angels out. You know how to do that. We learn in the temple how.

Step back, take a breath and involve your Heavenly Father and your Savior Jesus Christ in your life again. They love you, we love you and are praying for you.

Your husband can be your lover again. But, that also takes work, reading together, praying together learning tools that will help you heal as a couple emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Not just individual healing but couple healing.

Prayers to you Sierra! "
posted at 18:49:58 on May 25, 2011 by hero
"I am struck by your courage for writing your story.

I am in such a bad place emotionally, I actually thought when I read your post the first time, "She is so lucky to have something that helps her feel alive for a few seconds, even if it is wrong." And then I read the comments below and the reality started to sink in. I am so grateful to read the comments here. It dispelled the lie and I couldn't deny that what I had thought was so false.

Sierra, I am in such a tailspin these days, I don't know if I can pray for anyone especially myself. But I WISH good things for you. I hope things get better. I believe what others have spoken here and that your soul knows what to do even though your heart and mind don't. I feel like if you can make it, maybe so can I (codependent much? LOL) so I am rooting for you."
posted at 11:26:09 on May 26, 2011 by Maddy
Hey Sierra    
"You still lurking? Wondering how you are. Thought of you while studying today.

What are your thoughts on this:

"Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love."

Maybe I'm out in left but is this where you're at? I know when I was having an affair it felt so real so indescribably wonderful. A chemical romance to the 10th power. But looking back, all though emotionally I don't know if I have excepted it, logically I know it was the furthest thing from real or wonderful."
posted at 15:35:58 on June 28, 2011 by they speak
Sierra, are you still here?    
"I read your story, wow!!! I hope things worked out for you and your family, I think you have a bunch of interested friends here that would love to hear how you are doing. Best of luck on your journey."
posted at 16:03:39 on February 6, 2013 by Anonymous
Looking for Sierra    
"Sierra, This is Scott from 2008 and 2009. I was prompted to get back online to catch up with people such as you who cared enough to help me through difficult times. I pray things have worked out for you and that you are happy. I have tried to get ahold of Robin and others. I am doing well. Still married to my wife and are relationship is getting better every day. Recovery is a life long process for me. I thank the Lord every day for my weaknesses because thats what keeps me humble and constantly repenting. It allows me to work on my weaknesses and make them strong. I thank my elder brother for his atoning sacrifice that I can repent and be made strong.
Scott smwil46"
posted at 17:00:31 on April 21, 2013 by smwil49

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"The Savior teaches that we will have tribulation in the world, but we should "be of good cheer" because He has "overcome the world". His Atonement reaches and is powerful enough not only to pay the price for sin but also to heal every mortal affliction… He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us. Brothers and sisters, the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference October 2006