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the world would be better off.....
By taintedlove
5/7/2011 12:15:47 PM
If i were never born or if I died right now. I wish my real mother would have aborted me like she wanted to. That way i woildnt have been molested by a guy that could be my real father or abused mental and physically by my mom (grandmother). Or raped by 8 guys when i was 18. Or married to an abusive person who criticizes everything about me. I know I'm poison. A cancer to this earth. A demon amongst men. I push others away so they wont get hurt. But i hurt all the time. I want to go. I cant breathe. I hate being around me. I hate myself.

Comments:

Don't Go    
"We love you!"
posted at 16:21:52 on May 7, 2011 by Anonymous
Don't Give Up    
"That's a mountain of pain you're carrying there, more than anyone should have to. I'm terribly sorry that you've gone through so much in your life. I can't even begin to understand what it must be like. But there is one who does. Christ knows all our pain. It probably seems to difficult to even believe that, and I'm not sure I really believed it before I began on the path to deliverance, but now I know that it's true. Christ suffered every heartache, every agony, every accusation, every sorrow we've ever had and will have. He suffered for you personally, TaintedLove. Not just for your sins, but for the harm that's been done to you. I may not know your pain, but I know that the only way to ease it is to give it up to Christ.

Don't give up. Please don't give up. I would hate to see you leave this world. I don't know you personally, but you are a beautiful daughter of God, my sister in spirit, and worthy of living and being happy. I do know what it's like to hate yourself and I can tell you right now that most of that is from Satan. He wants you to hate yourself. He wants you to end your life. And if you give in, then he wins. Don't let him win.

There are times when I think that enduring to the end is the hardest trial that any of us will ever have to face in this life, more than any of the individual ones on their own. Whatever you do, though, know that I refuse to believe you're poison or cancer or a demon. You are a marvel, God's greatest creation. You deserve to live and to be happy. Whether you believe it for yourself or not, I believe it for you. Your worth is infinite, priceless, and no one, no matter what they do to you, can ever take that away."
posted at 17:31:44 on May 7, 2011 by Zero
Please hold on    
"I am knealing in prayer so that you can feel the love of your Father in Heaven.

I know how you feel. I use to feel the same way. I was raped, abused, judged, and forsaken. I have felt how unfair it is that I should come to this life and be used for sex. I hated myself and wanted to die.

I started working the steps 1 1/2 years ago because I did not want to hurt anymore and did not want to hurt my children anymore. I felt for a long time that God was not there. My experience told me deep inside my heart that he was there and very aware of my situation. It took a while, but as I worked my 12 steps and cried to him sometimes all day long, he did rescue me and now I am on the path. Still making mistakes, but trusting in him to make all things right, and he does. I was in so much pain that I had to admit that there was nothing I could do to change me. I needed to become humble and broken. That is when I became very aware how much I needed him to ride through the pain.

He saved me, he is healing me. I am new. I am not the same person I was 1 1/2 years ago. I no longer fear the scorn and judgement of people. I look to the Lord each day and he makes all things right.

He lives, he loves you, he has a special work for you to do and you must not give in. I promise he will help you rise above it all... and you will rise to a new life. Let go and let God. It really works."
posted at 19:41:27 on May 7, 2011 by Anonymous
I agree with Zero.. It's painful to endure to the end but you are worth it..    
"We know you are worth it. Frankly, It doesnt matter if we think you are worth it but Christ thought you were worth it enough to suffer, bleed and die for you. He did for all us sinners on this board. I dont think he is is disapointed in you at all because he knows your situation.

You have an incredible mountain to climb for sure. It could take many years to overcome your mountain but as Brigham Young said -- he would rather be at the gates of hell going up than at the gates of heaven going down. Keep your head down, stay positive, find peace.



suffered the ultimate sacrifice for you, for me, for everyone on this forum that have done unspeakable things"
posted at 19:51:54 on May 7, 2011 by Hurtallover
"It's A Wonderful Life."    
"As I was just saying a prayer for you, I was reminded of of that scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" when people all over the town are praying for George Bailey and he doesn't know it. An angel is sent to help George through his suicidal moment. Please know that it isn't just those who comment who are praying for you. There are a bunch of us who have only been "lurking" about the blog. I am sure they are all praying for you as well. There must also be some people who know you in person who are praying for you as well.

I understand hating yourself and being sure you were evil. I have been there. I have also been suicidal in the past. It was the addiction talking...not God. I am doing so much better. I haven't commented on the blog for a couple of months, but please allow me to point out something about your post. The evil things you mention in your post were not done BY you-they were done TO you. Please don't think of yourself as poison, cancer or a demon. In your earlier posts you refer to your own sexual addiction. Even that addiction does not make you poison, cancer or a demon. You are fighting the cancer of addiction-you are not the cancer!

Earlier tonight I was reading through the primary lesson for tomorrow (I am subbing for Katie since it is Mother's Day) about the prodigal son. The parable could be about me. I won't scare the little primary kids with my story though! My point is, if God could help me a sinner get beyond my self loathing and be born again, He will help you! We all have sins. No matter what sins you have committed, no matter what pain you feel from the sins others have worked against you, God loves you and Christ is reaching out to you. I hope you feel all of our prayers in your behalf."
posted at 23:42:27 on May 7, 2011 by hubster
Powerful    
"That is the very first thing I thought of. You must be a VERY powerful spirit being of our Father in Heaven.

This is why.

Look at all you have already endured. You Are STILL HERE! AND you are on THIS SITE - which means you are not giving up, you are still trying. I feel that those of us who must endure these horrific trials, either were powerful in heaven, or were given power through the trials we must endure to fulfill our own purpose in life. You are so very loved. Please do whatever it takes that makes you happy, joyful, peaceful, (only you know what works for you).

Praying for you.
4"
posted at 12:51:59 on May 8, 2011 by 4intow
Please Hang In There!    
"I really wish we lived in the same area. I haven't been through all the things you've been through, but I can identify with wishing I was dead. I've been suicidal before, and just last week I was wishing I was dead so I could quit dealing with all I deal with. The world wouldn't be better off without you!!!! You're a great person. You've been through a lot, and even though you've made some bad choices, it doesn't change your worth as a person. Please hang in there!"
posted at 23:05:00 on May 8, 2011 by dstanley
I agree with 4INTOW    
"Heavenly Father knows which family situations will be hardest to be born into. Thus, He places stronger, more capable spirits into those situations because He knows they can deal with them. You are one of them and you can come through all of this.

Like 4INTOW said, the fact that you are still here and on this site means you are a survivor. The only way you won't make it is if you give up.

Think of it this way. We all recognize that thoughts like "I'm worthless," "I hate myself," and "Why do I even try anymore?" come from Satan. If any of those thoughts were actually true, why would Satan bother saying them to you? If he really had won your soul, he would leave you and go on to the next person. The fact that he is telling you all this means he doesn't have you yet, you SHOULD keep trying, you are a GREAT person, and you have UNIMAGINABLE WORTH.

When it grows to heavy to bear, hand it over to Christ."
posted at 12:18:46 on May 9, 2011 by iwillnot
I'm sorry for all your loss :..(    
"From the book Mans Search For Meaning by Victor Frankel:
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
 
"And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate.
 
"Seen from this point of view, the mental reactions of the inmates of a concentration camp must seem more to us than the mere expression of certain physical and sociological conditions. Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him--mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski said once, 'There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.' These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom--which cannot be taken away--that makes life meaningful and purposeful.
 
"An active life serves the purpose of giving man the opportunity to realize values in creative work, while a passive life of enjoyment affords him the opportunity to obtain fulfillment in beauty, art, or nature. But there is also purpose in that life which is almost barren of both creation and enjoyment and which admits of but one possibility of high moral behavior: namely, in man's attitude to his existence, an existence restricted by external forces. A creative life and a life of enjoyment are banned to him. But not only creativeness and enjoyment are meaningful. If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.
 
"The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity--even under the most difficult circumstances--to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.
 
"Do not think that these considerations are unworldly and too far removed from real life. It is true that only a few people are capable of reaching such high moral standards. Of the prisoners only a few kept their full inner liberty and obtained those values which their suffering afforded, but even one such example is sufficient proof that man's inner strength may raise him above his outward fate. Such men are not only in concentration camps. Everywhere man is confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through his own suffering.
 
"Take the fate of the sick--especially those who are incurable. I once read a letter written by a young invalid, in which he told a friend that he had just found out he would not live for long, that even an operation would be of no help. He wrote further that he remembered a film he had seen in which a man was portrayed who waited for death in a courageous and dignified way. The boy had thought it a great accomplishment to meet death so well. Now--he wrote--fate was offering him a similar chance." pp. 86-89

D&C 122..."
posted at 14:38:57 on May 10, 2011 by They Speak
How Are You?    
"Wondering how you're doing TaintedLove. We love you and care about you!"
posted at 00:16:06 on May 11, 2011 by dstanley


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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball