I do want to do better..... but I am not wired right?
By taintedlove
5/5/2011 11:49:39 PM
I'm not the typical female. I am a girl. But I lack those emotions that most females get. I hate kids. I have used guys in my past for just sex. I lack the mushy gushy emotions. I'd rather watch an action movie rather than a chick flick... lol im going on.

Anywho. Thats not my point. I want to change my addictive behaviors and its hard! Ive become rebellious. Ive fallen and willfully at that. Even before my addiction started I knew at a young age I would have issues.

Since talking with bishop last week and the assignment he gave I havent made progress. However I did order "believing christ" and got it today. Ill begin reading it soon. I also recieved 3 booklets. They are part of Randy Bells "comfort my soul in christ" series. Ill read those too. They all apply to me.

I think we all have trials. Its not how and if we conquer it. It's our effort and if we conversate with our lord about it. My conversations definitely are void. But I will work on that. I need to journal. But ive never been a writer so i willvwork om that. I want to do better. But the evil in me wants me to be defiant. A person in my arp calls that the dark passanger i believe. Hopefully. I wont let her win.


Definitely Journal    
"There is something amazing in keeping a journal. Whenever I'm feeling pent-up with emotion, I write in my journal and unleash it all. It's tremendously therapeutic for me. I don't have to hold back and I find that I often learn a lot about myself, things that I never would've suspected. I would highly recommend keeping a daily journal."
posted at 02:34:54 on May 6, 2011 by Zero
Are there past issues to be dealt with?    
"Forgive me if this is presumptuous, but in reading your other posts you seem to refer to issues in your past, things along the lines of neglect or abuse as a child. If there is anything like that, those issues should be the first thing to look at, as addictions often grow out of unfulfilled needs or unresolved issues from childhood. I came from a dysfunctional family and it wasn't until I addressed the issues arising from it that I was able to make progress in my life.

Again, if I'm wrong about this I apologize. But if not and there's anything still lurking inside, that will be the area you will want to examine with your bishop and a qualified counselor. I'll be praying for you."
posted at 11:21:56 on May 6, 2011 by iwillnot
You can only change when YOU want to change    
"I think I used to be in a similar place as you. I hated that I liked being bad --but I liked it.. I have more than once mentioned to myself that "Im wired wrong". I dont know the answers to that.

I didnt really want to change until, i really really hurt someone close to me which caused me to see what I had become and the horror of it. Not that I had an alma the younger event but I no longer wanted to be that person that I was. I like to hope that I have made a change in my heart and I will do WHATEVER it takes to changes. I realize that I will be shy and that I will not want to do parts of that process, but I will do whatever it takes. I was tired of the double life. I was an empty shell. I felt like trash. I deserved to be stoned to death. The realization that I had given away my free agency was also a big trigger for me.

may you find peace in your change"
posted at 14:17:12 on May 6, 2011 by Hurtallover
I'm with you    
"I'm not a girly girl either. I'm in to computers, I only wear skirts to church, and I like sex. You're not alone. Oh, and I've struggled with the whole rebel thing too. I got tired of people thinking I was sweet, innocent D, and it not getting me anywhere, so I tried to prove I wasn't as naive as they thought. I have kids, but I struggle with feeling I don't have the maternal instincts other women seem to have. Hang in there! You can do this! If you're not feeling the desire to quit, pray for that desire. Start wherever you're at. Take it one step at a time."
posted at 22:57:04 on May 8, 2011 by dstanley
we are all individual spirits    
"TL, it is okay to feel different and to be different. Heavenly Father doesn't want a bunch of carbon copy clones. We all have individual traits and individual things that we contribute to the world.
Me, personally, I'm a guy, but I have a hard time identifying with a lot of other guys. I have no interest in football, cars, etc. I'm not particularly competitive and really can't stand sports with other guys. (not that I'm not athletic - I run trail marathons and hold 2 black belts, I just can't get into the trash talking that guys get into with basketball, baseball, etc.) And I cannot stand the way many guys (especially other soldiers) talk about women behind their backs
But, I've found over the years that I definitely have a place in this world. I know Heavenly Father has a purpose for me. I may not be perfect, but my wife and my children and He all accept me for who and what I am. With His help I'm slowly getting past this addiction.
I hope you can find this, too. There is peace and happiness to be found out there, even if it seems hard to find."
posted at 13:47:42 on May 10, 2011 by hk-47
I understand    
"I'm not your typical female either. I do love kids, but I also like action movies (The Jason Bourne series are my favorite!!) as opposed to chick flicks. And I love sex, so being single is really hard. Several of my married friends (females) hate sex, and I tell them they should have to go without for a while and maybe they would appreciate it more.

I would have thought the sexual abuse I experienced as a child would cause me to hate sex. Sometimes I think maybe I liked being abused; otherwise, why would I like sex so much. I am refraining from sex, but refraining from MB is really hard for me (although I have not slipped any this month so far). There is a part of me that thinks it isn't hurting anyone, but based on what I see and hear, it must be affecting others or me in a way I am not aware of. I guess if I were married, I could more easily see where damage could occur.

I would like to get to the point not of hating sex, but being able to refrain from MB so that when (if ever) I have sex again, I will be able to enjoy it. Also, if MB is wrong, I would like that conviction in my heart. Until that happens, I'm not sure I can fully refrain from it.

Talk about being wire wrong..."
posted at 14:43:05 on May 12, 2011 by want2change
"I struggle with not being convinced MB is so harmful as well, although I know it's not good for me, partly because it makes it harder to refrain from sex. Congrats on your refraining from MB. I have an easier time refraining from sex because of the bigger consequences and the fact that I've always thought sex outside of marriage was wrong."
posted at 23:13:40 on May 12, 2011 by dstanley

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson