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A talk with Bishop and a four letter word.
By taintedlove
5/1/2011 2:10:32 PM
No it's not the word you are thinking. The word is love. It's what our church teaches. People see it, hear it, and feel it everyday. Thr word is even in my username. I hate hearing it!

I met with my bishop last sunday (easter) and had to talk to him about my recovery process. I had went to the temple that saturday to tour it and knew I had to be there in my future. Feelings of urgenency ran through my mind when I entered the baptismal area. But....... I want/need to be worthy. So I had a mission.

My mission included me being honest with bishop about my sexual activity as of lately. I had already had a recommend to see something very special for May 1 (today). I entered his office on sunday and told him i felt like I wasnt worthy to go to the event and I needed to return my recommend. He told me thats ok if I feek like that and that it was my decision. I then stated that I hadnt done anything for a week and was going to try not to do anything leading up to May 1 and he said well you can keep your recommend if you dont do anything. I knew he knew nothing about my sex addiction. He's been working with me on my MB.

I took a deep breath and blurted out the truth. He asked me with who. I said a friend. He asked if it was from work and I told him it wasnt. Immediately he named a person from our ward and I said yes. He coukdnt finish the meeting with me that day but he said he'd have to refer to the church guidelines.

The week before he asked if me and the member had become friends and i said yes. He warned me of infidelity but of course it had already happened. So before bishop and i departed ways he asked if I remembered our conversation the week before. I said yes. Bishop told me that he had a sudden thought at that time and knew. But he was hoping it was just to warn me. (It was preparation for our meeting I think.)

I met with bishop this week. It was a private meeting. He asked for us to pray on our knees........ I said ok. We prayed and he said after considering my past/childhood (which he doesnt know much) and looking at church guidelines he came to conclusion that I was not to go to the May 1 event and that I was not to partake of sacrament for 4 months.

In addition to I have to meet bishop bi-weekly and I have to read this book believing christ..... He is also looking into an lds counselor for me.

He asked me how I felt about this. I said "It's whatever." Then I stated I didnt know whag the church does so I had no real expectations. Even now i am numb and am actually wanting to do worse things. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY?!?!?!?!

Its funny though. Out of the whole conversation the only feeling i had was annoyance when he stated he and the church "love" me and the other member despite everything. Bishop's wife spoke to me on tuesday a coiple of days before our meeting and was asking about a family home evening. We conversated and she told me she loved me. I was annoyed. I hate being told that. Then i feel weird because I cant say it back.

I'd rather be told I hate you. You're no good. I wish you were never born. Etc etc. I feel something with those. Anger hate sadness and i can do something with those emotions. Love is something i cant deal with.

As for as the guy who have had indiscrestions with... Hes a good guy. I told him immediately when his name was inviolved. He's been graceful about the whole situation and has issues of own that he's working through.

Bishoop asked if I could see myself with him after both our divorces. I dont know right now but I do know i like him. Hes the one thats kept us from having any more relations since my confession. Even though I have approached him about it. Even today i did. But he is talking to me. He understands me more than I understand myself.

But love is not in my mentality. Its funny i have 3 levels of intercourse.

Making love which is obvious what ths is.
Sex is when you know the person and have emotions for them.
And the last I cant say the term but it is that other 4 letter word. And thags emotionless.

Ive done the last one alot. And sex with only a couple. I feel immune to love so ive never done that..

Gosh i feel like im wired wrong. Maybe my childhood has alot to do with these emotions. Maybe my spouse. But ultimately I never tried to fix this. I thank God i have no kids. I would just mess them up.

So if you ask why i have love in my username read my blogs.... im tainted.

Comments:

You're not tainted!    
"I'm so glad you were able to meet with your bishop and be honest. Hopefully he can help you find the help you need. The fact that you've made poor choices doesn't mean you're any less of a person. Addiction can make you do crazy things. I had sex with a guy from the Internet. Didn't even know his name when I told him he could come over. I also had a sexual relationship with a former coworker who was married to a church member. He wasn't even nice to me, and I still had a hard time ending things with him. Don't give up on yourself. You're doing the right thing now. You're trying to beat this addiction. Sure you might still be slipping some, but you're trying. You're a good person. Believe in yourself. Believing Christ is a great book. Enjoy reading it and take it to heart."
posted at 17:06:38 on May 1, 2011 by dstanley
The Good News...    
"...is that what's tainted can also be cleansed and purified. Believe it. I get where you're coming from on the "love" thing. It's hard to believe that these people really love us when we feel like they don't really even know us. But we also don't know what's in their hearts and can't dictate how they feel. Do they really love us? It's possible. But how, you might ask? Well, a few months ago I wouldn't have known the answer, but I think I can answer it now. Just with the people on this site, even though I'm fairly new, I've learned of their struggles and seen how it's affected them and I know exactly what they're going through because I'm going through it too. Never before has my heart actually heart because of another person's pain. I can say with a certainty that I love you because I understand what you're going through and I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. I've cried the tears you've cried. I've felt the loneliness you've felt. I've hurt in many of the same ways.

It's hard to explain, but it's the truth. I really do love you, and all the others here who struggle with their addictions. I find that whenever I learn of someone's dark, embarrassing secrets, I begin to love them. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I can relate. I don't know.

Part of why you feel the way you do about the word "love" is that you might feel like you're not worthy to be loved and so resent others for loving you. But that doesn't mean they don't. In this case, the problem is within you. You need to learn that your soul is priceless to Heavenly Father, that He loves you unconditionally. Read the book "Defined By Christ" by Toni Sorenson. That, more than anything, helped me to realize my true worth as a child of God. I didn't know how to love myself until I read that book. Every single word uplifts you. Read it even if you feel like this isn't your problem because I guarantee it will help you regardless of your circumstances."
posted at 13:43:49 on May 2, 2011 by Zero


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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990