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...And Then I Tripped
By Zero
5/1/2011 3:06:44 AM
After my brokenhearted victory last night, I was surprised to feel somewhat better for the most part of the day today. But all good things come to end, I guess. Right? *sigh* Unfortunately, in all my running to get away from temptation, I ended up slipping on it. Not to p~rn. I'm 97 days free (let's go 100!). But to my arch-nemesis, that nasty M-Word. I love to hate him and hate to love him. But love him and hate him I do.

Why is it so hard to let go of our favorite sins? And what if we can never get free of them in this life? Is it enough that we tried? Paul noted in the New Testament that he was afflicted with a "thorn in the flesh" and told by God that it would remain, despite asking for it to be removed three times.

Is that what this is for me? My thorn in the flesh? I want to stop. I want to never again wage war against m~sturbation. But he knows my every weakness. He has my kryptonite in excess supply. He knows every *** in my armor, all the right places to jab his sword where it'll do the most damage.

Part of my problem is that I wasn't thinking of m~sturbation as an addiction in my case. P~rnography, sure. I'm wholly okay with naming that an addiction. But m~sturbation? Hmm. I think I just didn't want to admit it to myself because that would make it a double dose of difficult. But...now? Yes. Oh, yes, it IS an addiction. I will forever name it a demonic addiction to be defeated. Yet, I am its powerless, hungry slave begging for more.

And why? Why should I yield to such a debasing lust time and time again? This demon has raged within me for half my life! I know the consequences. I'm well acquainted with guilt and shame. Heck! Those guys are my best friends. Maybe that's why I give in. Because I'm so used to feeling guilty and ashamed that I don't feel right unless I'm feeling wrong.

Then, after my heart stops throbbing from my own pain, it begins to throb for the pain of everyone here, and everyone else who struggles with our same struggles. Because I know that pain. It's...agonizing. There are times when I feel like I can't even breathe because of it. And I wish, oh, how I wish I could do something to help you all, to make it go away, to peel away your sorrow and paint you with peace.

But I cannot. Only our elder brother, our benevolent, wise, kind, ever-loving, ever-forgiving, graceful elder brother, Jesus Christ, can heal us. I pray that He will gather us all under His wing and heal us from all our sorrows and wipe away every tear that falls from our eyes.

I read this scripture the other day and it seems rather poignant right now so I'd like to share it: Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life. (3 Nephi 15:9)

This post is waxing long, but I'd like to share one more thing--various definitions of the word "endure," all of which are beautiful to me.

1) To face and withstand with courage

2) To continue to live through hardship or adversity

3) To undergo or be subjected to

4) To last and be usable (I like this one the best...to last and still be usable once it's over)

5) To persist for a specified period of time

To all of us, let's endure, whatever it is we decide that means for us.

Comments:

Sorry!    
"I'm sorry that you slipped. Congrats on the porn sobriety though. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. That's all any of us can do. We just have to keep trying, or as one of my friends likes to say, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming (courtesy of Nemo). Hang in there."
posted at 16:39:54 on May 1, 2011 by dstanley
Thanks    
"I appreciate your support. I wish someone would just wave a wand and magically make us all better. But we do have to swim. And swim. And swim. I just get so tired sometimes, you know? But that's my problem. I'M trying to do all the work. I need to remember to let Heavenly Father be my strength. Why do I have such a hard time letting go of control?

Anyway, Day 98 of freedom from p~rnography. Feels good. Day 2 of abstinence from m~sturbation. In keeping with the Pixar quotes, "To infinity and beyond!""
posted at 13:54:23 on May 2, 2011 by Zero
Letting Go and Letting God    
"after reading the book "He did deliver me from Bondage" my entire view of the gospel changed... from trying so hard... to trying hard to let go & let God.
the happiest times in my llfe (many very recently) have been.. when I get out of the way of GOD and just L.I.F.E. Let It Flow Effortlessly.

Day 98 is so awesome... it gives me hope... I'd pay 100 bucks (at least) to read a book of stories of hope... of how people have gained 2-3 years of sobriety, etc.. from this.

Thankfully, God has been giving me hope... and great personal revelation... I really hope that I'm becoming spiritually addicted to his guidance... like the opposite of a bad addiction I guess.

I create an environment where 'spiritual temptations' can happen (clean room, pictures)
I get a prompting/tempation
I take a risk (faith)
I experience blessings (unashamed, powerful, miracles, forgiveness, grace, mercy,etc..)

just like an orgasm... I suppose. I feel that spiritual blessings are unexpected, powerful, and blissful.

I feel strongly that some people who are 'addicts' are VERY spiritual people... their gears are set up to really enjoy life... and other people and we really appreciate all that God has to offer.


I hope for the day.. when I can integrate spirituality and sexuality into 1 experience... how cool would that be?"
posted at 20:40:10 on May 2, 2011 by gracefull
It makes me wonder    
"Is all this guilt worth it. Is sex not natural in marriage, but masturbation seems to be terrible. I admit, I wish I never encountered it, but it has caused so much grief. Idk I'm torn on this no?"
posted at 20:18:43 on March 11, 2012 by moroni
Interesting    
"I have been doing a thing called march madness in school where we read the whole book of Mormon in the month of march. I have noticed that quote abou if we endure to the end we will have eternal life. I cannot wait until the day comes when I am free of my addictions. Porn and masterbation are the toughest things for me right now and I hope we all can over come these hard trials. I am very thankful to know that I'm not the only one going through this and that I'm not alone, thanks for your inspiration. I would live to be 98 days free."
posted at 22:56:10 on March 11, 2012 by TTT
*    
"Love"
posted at 22:57:08 on March 11, 2012 by TTT
TTT    
"Just out of curiosity, how old are you? I'm 17 so it would be nice to talk to someone my age."
posted at 23:47:18 on March 11, 2012 by moroni
Thorn in the flesh?    
"I assure you that this addiction is NOT a thorn in the flesh. Coming down with an incurable disease (like Crohn's or MS) would be a thorn in the flesh. This addiction is 100% curable! It does not have to be something you struggle with for the rest of your life.

I completely understand where you're coming from though. I felt the same way when I was much younger in recovery. I felt like other people could recover, but I never would. I seemed to be unable to get very far past the 100 day mark until I heard something that changed everything for me. Somebody told me that the reason I couldn't find lasting sobriety was because I didn't want to. This was my "favorite sin". I was in a moral dilemma because I wanted to appear good and righteous by following the church's commandments, but deep down I still felt entitled to acting out.

I cringe when I think about some of the posts I put on here earlier on. I used to think this was some incurable disease that I was inflicted with. I felt like such a victim. Now I realize that the true power to change lies deep within me. The Lord's grace has helped me use this power and find my way out. I still have a ways to go before I can call myself cured, but I'm definitely on my way out.

I think these thoughts which make us feel like we don't have a choice, we can't be clean, the addiction is not our fault, etc, do not come from God. Think about the logical conclusion of these thoughts - sooner or later we're allowed to act out again because we can't help it. That type of thinking completely ignores our agency.

I truly believe the poem "Invictus" from William Ernest Henley. I also think that the Lord feels this way, since he gave us our agency to choose right from wrong.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."
posted at 11:15:43 on March 12, 2012 by ETTE


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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987