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Still Struggling
By dstanley
5/1/2011 1:19:39 AM
I was sober 1 day, but slipped again yesterday. I'm sober so far today though. I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Thursday night I wanted to die. Last night I wanted to not be a mom anymore. I've been alternating between being numb and being emotional. I'm afraid of the emotions. I'm afraid of not being able to handle them. I'm not praying because I can't stay numb and pray and I'm afraid of the emotions. I'm depressed. I'm struggling to eat enough. I'm not fasting because of that (or something). I'm not planning to go to church tomorrow because my kids are both maybe coming down with something and I'm not up to it (or at least that's what I'm telling myself). I'm looking forward to May 29th when my little one will start going to nursery. Maybe I'm just avoiding all of the spiritual stuff. Right now I'm just trying to hold on and not make things worse.

Comments:

Hold On    
"I know exactly how you feel. There are stretches of days where I'm up the first part of the day, then down the rest. Then I start the next day down and end it up. It's exhausting. Last week was mostly an up week, while this week has been mostly a down week. The other night, I begged Heavenly Father just to bring me back home (my heavenly home, that is) because I was just too tired and heartbroken to keep on going. But I'm still here so He must want me to do something.

I confess that, even though I had a great struggle with temptation last night and managed to escape, I succumbed to the temptation of m~sturbation earlier this evening. I think it was, in part, because I tried to convince myself that I was only addicted to p~rn and not m~sturbation, but that was a lie. I'm just an addict through and through.

Anyway, ever since giving in, I've been feeling rather crummy and had the thought moments before reading your post that I wasn't really up to going to church tomorrow. It's hard being all smiles and happy conversations when I'm not feeling especially cheerful. I don't know the answer to getting over that. Being spiritual is hard work at times, or it seems to be at least. It's easier to become numb. Sorry, this isn't helping much, is it? I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your struggle right now and wanted to commiserate with you.

Keep holding on. I think if that's all we can manage at times, it then becomes the most important choice we make. And maybe...just maybe...that's enough."
posted at 02:38:37 on May 1, 2011 by Zero
so take a break    
"well take a break. its not the end of the world. take a break for a day or 2 + just relax. dont worry about your mb...for a couple days...then after youre break start up again. but at first dont count the days...thats not important. stop counting.

maybe your test is just seeing if you'll get back up.
-skyteam"
posted at 03:30:19 on May 1, 2011 by Anonymous
I don't count.    
"When I count the days I remind myself of Count Dracula on Sesame Street. Rather, I make sure that I go through my daily's. Personal prayer, scripture study, reading a recovery book, giving meaningful service and going to meetings. I have Faith, Hope and Chairity and rely on my Savior every waking hour.

Then why is it that these feelings and thoughts keep coming back. Lustful thoughts and fantasizing etc. (No Need to Elaborate here) My mind began it's lustful path when I was only eight years old and I saw for the first time a wall of "pin up girls". By the age of 17 I had a full blown sexual addiction. So, my brain cells were programed to lust. I used it to medicate my painful disappointments in life. But thank God He has provided a way out for me. I use the tools to keep these lustful thoughts where they should be. Without the Saviors help I would still be wallowing in the mire. Even now I want to share explicit details of my addictions but the Spirit say's it would serve no useful purpose. We need no help in our fantasizing do we. But we (I and You) will always be helped by those healing arms of the Saviors love and His infinite Atoning sacrifice. We are cleansed and can become clean from the blood and sins of this lascivious generation.

I am so glad to be in your company here."
posted at 12:33:55 on May 1, 2011 by 3R's
Thanks!    
"It's nice to know I'm not alone (even though I'd be happy for you if you found your way out of this hell). I wish I could do my dailies right now. Even now, my little one is asleep and I'm sitting in my recliner playing solitaire. I did put a load of laundry in. I'm depressed. I don't feel like I can really do anything but stay numb with my 8 year old around. I kind of wish I'd gone to church this morning. I'm still sober, just numb and tired (of my addiction and depression mostly)."
posted at 16:57:18 on May 1, 2011 by dstanley
It's Okay    
"Life is hard. Especially when you're struggling with something this painful. And the last thing you want to do is go out into the world with a painted smile and pretend that everything's okay. The thought of that is, honestly, exhausting to me. I sometimes have to compromise in order to make myself feel better. So, yesterday, I wanted to stay home from Church, but I eventually decided it would be okay if I went to Sacrament meeting at least, and I would sit out in the foyer where I wouldn't have to be surrounded by people. That way, I'd get a good spiritual dose without having to wear a mask for the world.

Maybe that's not the right thing to do. I know I should go to all of church, but I'm not a very social person and it's really hard for me sometimes. I figure, if Sacrament is the best I can do, even if I just sit in the foyer, then that's pretty good and definitely worth it. So ask yourself what you feel like you CAN do and then do that. It'll be better than nothing. And though I was feeling pretty crummy most of yesterday, I did feel better with going to Sacrament meeting."
posted at 13:50:22 on May 2, 2011 by Zero
Too Much    
"I just feel like anything spiritual is too much right now. I know it would be good for me, but I don't think I can do it without being emotional and I'm afraid of being emotional right now. I'm hoping to go to Sacrament next week. I can't go to all of the meetings because my family is celebrating Mother's Day during the block (they're not members). I wish I would have gone yesterday, but it's probably best I didn't because both kids have a little bit of a cold. It is hard to pretend that everything is OK when it isn't. I hate doing that. I just hope that someday I won't have to pretend because things will be better."
posted at 23:54:50 on May 2, 2011 by dstanley
rest, rest rest....R and R    
"its okay to be real at church....if youre hurting or upset...you can say that...."hey how's it going" "well, stuff is trying right now..." its okay to say youre having a bad day or time....remember in the scriptures....".they met together oft" to help each other....find your friends and be with them...

if you feel likes its too much...take a break...you can't do much when your strssing out........when a soldier is in war, there is sometimes a break, a break from the front line...a break for food....a break....you can't be full speed all the time...cars cant, ships can't, muscles can't...you have to break and rest....

get some rest....rest your mind, rest your spirit....youre not going to make any progress tired and wore out....so find what is a good rest for you, so you can do your basic living things....and then work on your spiritual side....a rest is okay....if all you can do for the week is attend sacrament...then you made progress.......

...dont worry about something that hasnt happend....we can all worry about the what ifs all day long, if it hasn't happend stop worrying about it.....ie temple, marriage....etc etc....those will happen in time....get up to base first then worry about the home run....

you need a break....go to a park, naure area, go camping....reconnect with nature, camp fires, fishing.....something like that....the smell lof out doors...trees, moss, plants, leaves....
get out of the house....winter is mostly gone, so things should be warmer.....bring your babies with you....share some out doors with them.....kids are adaptable....its us adults that can't change or adapt.....

borrow a tent fromt the scouts in the ward...they have them....they have everything you need, so you wouldnt have to buy a bunch of junk....it would all be available with a little planning, but finding a 5 gal bucket would make it a little easier for going number 2 for you gals...

heres a scripture thought....read LUKE 18: 10-14 (p 1309-1310)
if all you can say in your prayer is this "God, be merciful to me a sinner".......you're doing pretty dang good.....get to that point and you will be alright!!!!

this little scripture is huge to me.....just looking at the Pharisee, he was prideful...boastful, and a jerk....and to say something like this that i'm not even like "this publican'....like hes so holy and good....i tithe and fast twice a week....look i am so holy...ha ha ha ha ....well not really....

so the second man, who was christ approving of?....so the 2nd was justified....he was humble...he asked to be saved....he asked for some help.......

youre a beautiful person...don't beat yourself up over your short comings we all have them....big and small....the charity is coming to love others....and loving ourselves....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
do you love your dog? have you ever had a dog? how about a cat (same thing) don't you know that stupid animal does stupid things....like run out in the street.....it doesn't know it can get hit by a car....doesnt that stupid animal chase other dogs, or cats, or rabbits....even when you tell that rebellious beast to STOP!.......but you still love him don't you? you still love him even tho he slobbers, and is smelly and licks his privates....and smells everyone in the crotch.....he's a dog....their stupid, their fun, and we love them....
animals were given to us to teach us to love something out side ourselves even though it has its quirks......just like people.....
remember that....they love us in their own little doggie -or- cat way....and they dont see us a bad or evil or discusting....(well maybe they do, but we don't know it)....they love us, the love us when we come home, they are happy to see us....just the way we are.....learn this love, and unlock a treasure in yourself.....you will move forward...

skyteam"
posted at 02:05:12 on May 4, 2011 by Anonymous
Thanks Skyteam    
"I needed some encouragement. I had an emotionally difficult appointment with my addiction counselor today. He talked about me needing to quit stuffing my emotions which scares the crap out of me. Just takling about it brings urges. We talked about how stuffing my emotions is not good for my recovery and how it lead to my last set of slips and total (except not having sex) relapse back into my addiction. I also discovered that I haven't totally let go of my first husband. Aaaarrrrgggg! This is so hard sometimes."
posted at 23:28:21 on May 4, 2011 by dstanley


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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990