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I Ran
By Zero
4/30/2011 2:28:20 AM
Earlier this night, I came dangerously close to acting out. Part of me had wanted to m~sturbate all day and I was going to and then I started to get tempted to look at p~rn. It was scary how badly I wanted it. I wanted it so much that I felt like crying. I'm to 95 days now and even one little peek would've utterly destroyed all that progress. This is really the first time since the day I quit that it was a hard struggle for me. Before, I've been able to shrug it off, no problem. This time...*sigh*

So I ran. In a manner of speaking. I got myself out of my house and took a drive, even though it was after midnight. My dad said to me some weeks ago that there might come a time when I would have to run away from this temptation. He was right. It was the only thing I could think to do at the time.

It would've been so easy to give in. No one would've known. I hate that I wanted it so badly. In fact, even though I didn't look at p~rn or m~sturbate, I feel like, in some way, I actually did. And I feel terribly guilty because of it. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's how I feel. I'm sick inside thinking of how that ravenous hunger is still hiding inside me, waiting for the right moment to come out and overwhelm me. I'm not strong enough to fight it off.

Why does this filth exist? Satan is such a twisted demon. I hate it! P~rn is nothing but a disgusting sleaze that destroys so many people! I wish there was something I could do to eradicate it forever. Never before in my life have I felt such painful sorrow for someone other than myself, but now I feel it almost every day thinking about all those out there fighting against this awful monster and losing. My heart breaks for everyone caught up in this trap.

I'm not seeking sympathy here. I just want you all to know how precarious a position we're all in. We have to be vigilant every moment of every day, as hard as it is. Don't even allow yourself to think "Well, maybe I'll just give in a little." Make the choice every day NOT to give in. But most of all, trust in the Lord with all your heart. Plead for His grace. It's only in His strength that we can do all things.

Godspeed, brothers and sisters.

Comments:

Good for you!    
"I am so glad that you were strong enough!! 95 days is so fantastic!!

I have often been so upset that s~x is something that is supposed to be so precious and wonderful and yet it can be the most damaging thing ever. I got remember once that I was so mad that the Lord didn't protect intimacy if it was so important and sacred. I know that it was a heat of the moment thought. Its just so hard.

Good luck and stay strong!!! Prayers coming your way"
posted at 16:20:16 on April 30, 2011 by faith21
I am humbly in awe of you...    
"Im on day 50. I havent had a lot of temptation yet and that scares me a bit. I hope I can be as brave as you and run away when the time comes because I know it will.

I have been preparing for THAT day. I hope that I can sense it like you did tht you wanted to MB all day and figure out what to do.. I read somewhere that we need to make sure that we dont "lock horns" with the devil. We might win a few battles but we wont will the war. Instead we have to find serenity in our choices so there is no temptation. I have no guidance on how to do that since I havent been there.

God bless and may you find peace"
posted at 19:30:07 on April 30, 2011 by Hurtallover
WooHoo!!    
"Good job! Just remember, being tempted isn't a sin, giving in to it is. Keep up the good work."
posted at 00:56:06 on May 1, 2011 by dstanley
Music helps    
"Listen to hymns or Christan rock while you're driving. Not only will you be fleeing the source, but you will put the desire to rest for the time being."
posted at 13:00:15 on June 21, 2011 by SeminaryKid
YES!!!    
"well i'm so happy you didn't give in and that is a good way to fight off temptation just getting out of the house and taking a deep breath i'm happy for you.Oh and 95 days that is so great! you are clearly strong and what you did not giving in makes you even stronger!"
posted at 14:04:01 on June 21, 2011 by Teddy


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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987