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New to the Site and Newish to arp.
By taintedlove
4/29/2011 11:39:18 PM
Forgive me if I have mispelled words or grammatical errors. I am doing this on my phone.

Where to start? I started ARP in early march. It was an effort to become temple worthy to go to a dedication broadcast at my local stake. I'm not a very open person but since I've been there I have opened some. The only reason I'll open up here is because I don't believe I know anyone here. Well that's a lie.... maybe one person, but i don't know them personally and don't really care what they think.

I'm very private and I have learned that if you open too much people use that against you. Mainly those closest to you. So during most of the ARP meetings I listen and can relate but I stay silent. (Another reason why i stay quiet is because i hate how i talk lol.)

I am a female and I have a sexual addiction. If I'm not having sex I am masturbating. I am also separated from my abusive husband. I am an deep into my addiction. I can give into it more than 5 times a day. I have had 21 sexual partners. That's not including the hundred or so people I have given oral to.

The most recent time I've masturbated was last night. Sex was less than 2 weeks ago. I'm not proud of myself because the last time i was with someone was in September. The person I've been wit recently is a member of the church.

I'm trash. Scum of the earth. I know this. I've never related sex with love. It was something I just did if it was with my spouse but I'd cry afterwards because it made me so sick. And when it's been with others I was always the one in control usually. Maybe its from things in my past or childhood. Maybe I've channeled my anger that have towards my husband for his infidelities.

It's funny because he cheated on me 4 months with several people after we got married and I haven't forgiven him. I used that against him a lot and used it as an excuse for my indiscretions.

Honesty is hard. I poured out a lot in this first post but trust me this isnt even a tenth of my issues. I have volumes and then some!

Comments:

Welcome!    
"You're in the right place. And don't worry a lick about grammar or spelling. All that matters is that you're here sharing your desire to be free from your struggles. I'm fairly new myself, but already I've felt the great support of others here. We're in this together and together we'll win.

Let me be the first to tell you that you're not scum. You're not trash. You're a beautiful daughter of God with infinite worth and potential. He loves you so much. His heart breaks along with yours. Though He hates your sins, He is ready and willing to wrap you up in His arms and comfort you and wipe away all your tears.

Overcoming addiction is probably the single hardest trial that any mortal will ever face in mortality. Okay, I don't know that for a fact, but it certainly feels like it to me. We've surrendered our agency though and the only way we can get it back is to let go of the reins and allow Heavenly Father to do all the work. That takes a lot of humility and faith, both of which are really hard to find and even harder to keep.

But you can do it. I believe in you. I don't know you from Adam, but I know your pain and struggle and I can't help but love you for it. Never, never, never give up. Okay? :)"
posted at 02:39:01 on April 30, 2011 by Zero
You are so welcome.    
"You will find no stone throwers here. I love John 8 where those churchy hypocrites brought a woman to him who was caught right in the middle of the act of committing adultery. (Don't know what happend to the guy. hmmmm) You know the story, according to the Mosiac law she should have been stoned to death. The Savior said "he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The only people who cast stones at me were in denial!! lol.

I can testify that the Atoning sacrifice of our Lord will heal every hurt, every instance of abuse and dry up every tear. You are in the right place. Here you can write with complete anonymity. Writing is a great tool. Other tools that you can use in your quest for recovery is going to meetings. Go, go, go.
Another tool that I love is music. Songs of recovery, hymns of recovery, etc. Do you play an instrument? Can you sing?
Another tool is prayer, meditation and reading good recovery books. The number one book on my list is "Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison.
Another tool that I have never heard mentioned, but it is one that I am taking notes on is found in the old book "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. Chapter 11 is titled "The Mystery of Sex Transmutation" http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/tgr/tgr16.htm />
There are some powerful principles here that when applied can take a person who was STRONG IN THEIR ADDICTION and make them STRONG IN RECOVERY. Every person, every great person that I know has had a lot of energy. You can feel it when you are near them or when they walk into a room. One thing is for sure, when you are in full recovery, the Lord will want you to help others. You can't do that in a passive sense either. You need to transform all of that sexual energy into righteousness purposes. For anyone reading this blog, don't think for a minute that I suggesting that you need to be "SEXY" to be successful. Read chapter 11 and think about what I am saying.

I love the Lord and the magnificent and transforming Atonement and how he has snatched me out of the jaws of hell.

Thanks Tainted. Your post are already ministering to us here."
My site doesn't work.    
"Just google Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and look for the book and go to chapter 11."
posted at 09:01:20 on April 30, 2011 by 3R's
My heart hurts for you.. you aren't trash    
"I have tears in my eyes as I write this.

Here are the feelings that Ive had over the last 10 years of my life:

I'm trash. Im horrible becuase I cant have a "normal" intimate relationship. I cant stop. My behavior is getting worst... I like this behavior and I hate myself that I do. I hate that Ive had all these partners. My insticts are always telling me to "run and hide". "be secretive". " you cant trust anyone". "If you tell people your secrets, they will use it against you"

Sound familiar?? you arent trash. you are a daughter of God and have potential.

I also didnt do very well at the ARP meetings. Maybe I was too prideful. MAybe I thought they were too close to me and would use my info agaisnt me. I found my place a few community SAA meetings. Im so secretive but I now have spoken twice in those meetings. I now have a sponsor that helps me. My therapist told me that the reason I couldnt attach to anyone is because I had a committed partner.. my lusts, mb, porn, and partners.. My issues seem to stem from my inability to be vulnerable

It sounds like you have a full blown addiction. You have the equivalent of stage 4 cancer. You dont fix cancer by yourself.You need to get a team of people to help you through this. Perhaps attend ARP as well as few community SAA programs. Get a sponsor. If you cant afford a counselor, get workbook sex addiction course and work through it with your sponsor.Use OpenDNS to block your internet and only let someone from your accountability team have the password.

may you find peace"
posted at 19:45:43 on April 30, 2011 by Hurtallover
You aren't scum or trash!!!!!!!!    
"I'm also a female sex addict. I feel your pain. I last masturbated yesterday, and almost had sex with I guy from the Internet Wednesday instead of going to ARP. You're an addict who makes bad choices, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Keep going to ARP. Try to open up more, if not in meetings then at least come here and open up. It helps to open up, and we won't think less of you. You might want to try and find a counselor that specializes in addiction. They can help you deal with the things you're trying to avoid by acting out. Hang in there. You can do this, and you're worth the effort. Sorry your husband is abusive. My last one was emotionally abusive. I kicked him out while pregnant with our son and divorced him, so I'm a single mother of two (8.5 and 17 months). Keep coming back. Don't give up."
posted at 00:53:32 on May 1, 2011 by dstanley


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987