Confused and beyond frustrated
By faith21
4/28/2011 12:13:19 AM
Count Your Blessings : 1 — When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Count Your Blessings : 2 — Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

Count Your Blessings : 3 — When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

Count Your Blessings : 4 — So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

So have you ever sat in church and watched all the families filter in and wonder if these happy smiling faces are for real? I do. I wonder how many marriages are like mine- a huge emotional mess.

So my husband has been a fence sitter since about 3 months into our marriage. He is bi-polar and was addicted to porn prior to meeting me. The first year of our marriage was spent trying to get him stabalized with new medicine and new doctors. It was a living nightmare. We had a premie baby and the week he was born we moved into our condo. And I discovered a few things in my husbands car that lead me to believe he was into porn. He tossed it aside and made it seem like no big deal. Right before our one year anniversary I discovered it on our PC after church while he was out playing golf with co-workers.

Fast forward almost 7 years and I still have a fence sitting husband that claims to be clean for about 3 years. Yet he has never attended any meetings, doesn't ever talk to a bishop, refuses to do therapy, works with people that do not help with the situation (they are all non-members with low standards) and I feel hopeless.

I would divorce him except for the whole custody thing. My husbands father and brother first introduced him to porn and to strip clubs etc. So I don't want my kids around them or my husband without me there. But I am unhappy and so confused. Watching happy families walk into church just hurts or going to church or the temple alone There are times when I love him and then other times when I just want to kick him to the curb.

I cannot find peace and I am burdened. I try so very hard to stay positive and count my blessings. I know that the Lord helps me and is there for me. I just can't get a grip on things!


Go To the Lord    
"I wish I knew what to say that might help or comfort you. I've never been married so I don't know that type of situation. It's sound rough though. Would it help to sit your husband down and have an open, honest discussion (assuming he would go with that)? It sounds like, from the way you've described his nonchalant attitude, that he hasn't really changed. But I don't know, that's just what it sounds like.

I do think, though, that you should share your feelings with him. You can't and shouldn't be expected to carry the burden of your marriage. It's an equal partnership. If he isn't carrying his weight, then, well...I don't know what should be done, but something should be done. It isn't right. I'm sorry you have to go through that.

I think that, as members of this Church, we all become quite talented at putting up a facade for others, especially on Sundays. That's not to say that people in church aren't genuinely happy, but we all have our problems. What you see (on the surface) is rarely ever what you really get (underneath). The worst thing you can do is start comparing yourself to those other families though. They may look happy, but no family is perfect. Just focus on your family, but also remember that you are powerless to do anything, that it needs to be the Lord who handles this for you. Step aside and let Him take care of things for awhile. This burden is far too heavy for you to carry on your own. God can carry any burden though. We just have to give it over to Him."
posted at 00:25:58 on April 28, 2011 by Zero
The truth is in your heart    
"No one can tell you what the right thing to do is. An addict is an addict for life. They can fight the addiction, and with the help of the Lord they can avoid it successfully but there is always struggle and relying on the lord. That is the key! In AA they call it a higher power. In the church they admit it is God and Jesus Christ!

There are several books by LDS authors that help spouses to recover and heal. The Temple is where my wife found her heart through all the pain and sorrow. Last year she decided to call it quits. I had been clean for months. Things were going well but she was still hurting from all the times my addiction had surfaced in the past! I realized I was hurting my entire family and told her if she wanted to leave she could! She stayed and we are very happy. I’m still struggling, and it hurts her every single time it resurfaces. She has read a book by an LDS brain surgeon that helped her understand addiction better.

The problem is all addicts justify their actions. They hide the truth from themselves as well as from others. It’s only when they look inside and faces their addiction that the spirit can heal them. It is a long hard process, and the addiction introduces spirits into your home that do affect everyone in the house. Only through repentance and honest communication can you both heal. Have you let him know how you feel? Your fears and your conflicting desires! If nothing else it may help you to clarify what you feel you should do.

I would make one suggestion. Make your decision at the temple after consulting the lord through fasting and prayer. There will be less to distract you. My heart goes out to you! My prayers are with you!"
posted at 00:37:30 on April 28, 2011 by 30years
Believe actions    
"Addicts lie! That is a fact. They lie to those they say they love and they lie to themselves. So as a spouse all you can do is believe actions. He says he loves you but does nothing to help himself recover or be accountable for his actions or his addiction then you know the truth. He loves the addiction more than you. Men love what they protect.
As a spouse the best you can do is worry about you! Learn about boundaries. boundaries will help you to not loose yourself. Help you to keep some self-respect. Study co addiction and identify behaviors that you exhibit that are not healthy or may be allowing you to stay in a relationship that is causing you so much pain.
As spouses we have to accept accountability for our own recovery. Yes, we did not ask for this and we did not cause this and we cannot fix another, just as we could not fix another who was run over by the same truck as you were. We can only fix ourselves and we must. Your children deserve the healthiest mother possible. I have found that many times when I needed to take action and I found myself lacking in desire, commitment, strength ,hope,faith, I could muster up courage to do it for my children. This is your decision and your Heavenly Father will not let you down. He loves the mothers of His spirit children and he will support, guide, counsel you as you seek him and His spirit to guide you. Your Savior will be there to help you heal and relieve you of all the pain and fear, sorrow and grief. The God Head is there for you. They will not force you because that is Satan's plan, but they Love you and you can trust them as you reach for their assistance.
Prayers to you!"
posted at 01:37:29 on April 28, 2011 by Hero
He Restoreth My Soul    
"I have been maried for 14 years, This year my wife read a book that helped her start healing for the first time. "He Restoreth My Soul" by Dr Hilton. He is a brain surgion that studied the effects of sexual addiction on the brain.

Your pain and suffering was caused by your husbands addiction, and all the junk that goes with it. Your healing and finding peace has nothing to do with your husband. I know this sounds hard but your healing has to do with your own understanding and the Heavenly Father and Jesus. This book has not only helped my wife but it has helped me to understand my won addiction and why it has been so hard to break this cycle.

The hardest truth for most people is his recovery has nothing to do with you either. There is nothing you can do to convince him to change. He has to work that out by seaking understanding and leaning on (and sometimes being caried by) the Savior! If he wants to change he can. Its a long and hard path, but some of us think it is worth it!

The hardest thing for me to do was to admit I really was an addict, because if I was I was hurting my entire family. As long as I was convinced it wasnt that big of a deal I couldnt admit I was hurting anyone else! Some people never get past that point.

My heart goes with you! If you ask God what you should do he will never lead you astray! "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you!""
posted at 16:43:24 on April 28, 2011 by 30years
great book    
"but the title is, "He Restoreth My Soul"

Love ya."
posted at 09:06:05 on April 29, 2011 by lawrence
"I have used this site a lot and it has been immense in helping me through some pretty dark days.
There is light where there is an atonement and I know there is one.

I read your stuff and really feel for you. You do not have to let his actions deter you from happiness. If he is anything like me, he loves you in a very strange way that only he can figure out. While I love my wife, I am immature with many emotional challenges and so most of the time my love for her means nothing because I have a hard time looking past my own needs.

The guy is an addict and with that comes so much garbage including all the other Psych problems. Let me not open up a can of worms but most of us addicts struggle with psych problems and the core of those problems is emotional turmoil we just would prefer to dismiss and hope away.

The guy needs help but if he does not embrace or seek help, he is helpless and has no one else to blame but himself for his current state. While he may have been influenced by others decisions before he met you, he has agency and is accountable for his negligence.

I know the Lord takes care of his daughters and he loves each one of you.

Still after 1 and a half years my wife is still hoping for one of the pioneer hero's who died not sealed to anyone. This life apparently seems to be one of friendship for us with limits to our companionship. If I did not take my recovery as seriously as my next breath of life, I cannot blame her for riding out the time on this earth with me.

Same for you in my opinion, if the guy is intent on watching you suffer in silence via his negligence rather than happy and whole, you have a right to feel the way you do and too bad for him. MAYBE HE NEEDS HELP TO SEE YOUR SUFFERING but he must be willing. I just hope he does not wake up when the fun is over begging for your love. If so sounds like he will have a 9 iron or pitching wedge to snuggle up to with a picture of Tiger Woods to empathize with.

Hang in there."
posted at 10:22:51 on April 29, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Thank you    
"It means a lot to me that so many of you have suffered in one way or another and are willing to share and help me out. I am so thankful for all your posts!"
posted at 16:16:35 on April 30, 2011 by faith21

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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006