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Slipped Again
By dstanley
4/24/2011 11:23:34 PM
I hit 5 weeks on Saturday, but I slipped again this morning. I'm so frustrated with myself, especially to slip on Easter. It's hard to not give up, it's hard to not believe all the lies we addicts (or at least me) tend to believe. I slipped with mb this morning, but now I'm really thinking about getting online to chat. It's the whole already slipped, so it doesn't matter thinking. I hate this addiction. I hate feeling like I'm never going to get a patriarchal blessing, never going to get to go to the temple, and never going to be able to date again. I know I need to spend more time on my recovery, but I don't know how. I get up, get the kids and I ready, drop my littlest at my mom's, drop my oldest at school, go to work, come home, shove some food in my mouth, put my littlest to bed, put my oldest to bed, go to bed and do it all over again. It's hard to find time in there for recovery stuff, especially now with baseball season for my oldest. I do get a babysitter so I can go to ARP, and I go to counseling twice a week. Here I go again.

Comments:

Stay strong!!!    
"Don't go online to chat! I see you on here right now. Just keep reading the blog entries. They will encourage and inspire you. Believe me, I know how hard it is."
posted at 23:38:34 on April 24, 2011 by want2change
It's hard    
"Sounds like your life is filled with lots of good things, but remember that you have to take time for yourself. Just set aside a few minutes every day (get up 5 minutes earlier or stay up 5 minutes longer). That doesn't sound like much, but anything you can do will be helpful. Also, take the AR steps and take a few minutes while you have lunch and ponder or write about those steps. I know it sounds easy, but putting to action is a lot harder. Maybe we could commit to each other to do that, and we could share every day what we may have gained insight to or what struggle we may have had each day. It's hard for me to find time too, but for different reasons. I seem to put everyone and everything else before myself. It seems selfish to put myself first, but if I don't get through this, I'm not going to be able to do the other things I enjoy. I feel like a slave right now. I understand what they mean when they say you are robbed of your agency when you are addicted. And yes, I am acknowledging that I do think I am addicted.

I'll be praying for you. Please be strong and come here instead of a chat room. Those places can be really destructive, and you've already come so far."
posted at 23:45:10 on April 24, 2011 by want2change
Trying    
"I'm trying to stay here instead of going elsewhere. I know first hand how destructive the chat rooms are. I once invited a guy over to my house about 30 minutes after meeting him. I've come pretty close to meeting up with guys other times. It's hard though. I want a man in my life, even if just for a few moments and even knowing it's just about sex. It feels kind of good to be wanted.

I don't have a lunch break. I work through lunch to help make up for the time I lose for counseling. I suppose maybe I should start with 5 minutes and try to work up to more. I tend to get into an all or nothing sort of mode. It's hard as a woman, and especially as a mom to take time for yourself. I know though that if I don't take care of me, then I can't take care of my kids, and as a single mom, there's no one else to take care of my kids (my first ex does take my oldest a few days a week, but he's not a great dad)."
posted at 00:02:36 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
Dang It    
"My friend was online briefly. I was kind of hoping to chat with him some, and get some good advice and support, but he's back offline. :("
posted at 00:22:00 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
I get it    
"Believe me, I understand that need for wanting to be close to someone. But don't compromise yourself. You are a loving daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you. Call upon him instead and ask him to comfort you.

I am going to share something with you that my Bishop said to me. It has been a blessing to me and has given me much encouragement since I first met with him earlier this month. I have it posted on my computer at work and home and also in my car. He said: "This life is but a short moment. Hold on to things you know to be true, ask for hlep for the strength to carry on while your heart changes and hav ethe Faith to know that God loves you and wants you to be happy for the eternities."

Whenever I feel tempted, I read that and remember that Heavenly Father loves me and can help me overcome this. He can take away the loneliness and make it more bearable. And, He will give us the strength we need to face our challenges.

You can do it! You are single mom. You already have tremendous strength. Try not to be discouraged and when you do get discouraged, come here. You have been a great help to me.

Heavenly Father loves you and is mindful of you. Be strong."
posted at 00:25:07 on April 25, 2011 by want2change
Not a chatroom    
"My friend I was referring to is a friend I used to work with. He confirmed me when I joined the church (coming up on 4 years ago). There's nothing sexual about our relationship.

I really just want to be held (OK maybe more too), but I know I can't do that with 2 kids in the house. I want an adult to talk to. I try to have faith and trust God, but that's hard. I was doing better with that again until today. I was feeling good about things and confident, but that's all gone right now, and I don't feel I have anything to lose right now. I've lost my progress towards my goals. I've lost my self-respect. Makes it hard to not want to let someone else help me feel good for a little while.

I'm glad I've been some help. Thanks for helping me tonight."
posted at 00:47:53 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
Stayed out of Chat Rooms    
"Well, I didn't stay sober last night, but I stayed out of the chat rooms. I guess that's a small victory. It doesn't feel like it though. I'm so numb right now. I hope I have a busy day at work and the guys in my office keep the conversation clean."
posted at 09:16:17 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
Keep Going!    
"You can do this. Have faith. We all slip up on the road of recovery, but as long as we're moving forward, that's progress! You're heading in the right direction. Regardless of how many slips or road bumps, I see that you have three choices before you: 1) You can turn back and return to your old ways, 2) You can just simply stop and go nowhere at all, gaining nothing, or 3) You can keep on moving forward. I don't think it matters to Heavenly Father how often we fall, as long as we're trying and moving forward. You can do this. I'll pray for you."
posted at 11:43:27 on April 25, 2011 by Zero
Thanks    
"Thanks for praying for me. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I know I've made some (I haven't had sex except for my ex while we were married in almost 2.5 years, and I've mostly quit the cyber sex as well), but I've done better with mb, so why can't I get past 4 or 5 weeks now. I know I can't go back (especially with my two boys), but I don't feel like I'm doing a good job moving forward either. I want to be sober dang it."
posted at 16:11:55 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
Can't get past 4 or 5 weeks...    
"To some, getting to 4 or 5 weeks is a major achievement. Recognize that. I think by that point you can prove to yourself that you can exercise a semblance of self control. I also think at that point you need to re-evaluate and make different goals. In my life, after I reached a certain point I begin praying (even harder) despite my short term victory that I can change my attitude both heart, body, and soul with the power to reject and even become repulsed by prn/mb. These are just my thoughts. Best of luck."
posted at 16:56:40 on April 25, 2011 by matt78
True    
"I know I have to change things. I've lost my motivation though. I surfed to the chat site on my cell phone today. I can't chat on my phone, so I'm still not sure if I'm going to chat tonight or not, but I've looked at other stuff on my phone. Already got a message from a guy who lives close that I'd love to meet. Dang it. I hate how these things snowball.

Wish I could go to the retreat, but I don't live in Utah, or anywhere close. I know that there's more to life than sobriety, but my 3 big goals (patriarchal blessing, temple, and dating) all require sobriety."
posted at 22:31:41 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
Goals    
"I'm not sure what other goals I'm supposed to have. There's nothing more important to me than the temple and providing a good father for my children. I just wish that was enough to keep me sober. It's not that I don't have other goals as well.

And I get that 4 or 5 weeks is good, but I feel like I should be doing better. Maybe that's just the perfectionism talking."
posted at 22:36:04 on April 25, 2011 by dstanley
A compliment    
"For me.. goal setting never worked.. I realize that it works for some people.
For me, I just have to live in the present and not to get to rigid.
I have to breathe, have to laugh, have to be unashamed of anything I have done..or will do.
I have to always be humble, always be grateful, always be prayerful.
More than anything I love giving God the glory/praise for his amazing character-istics. I've seen through this journey of mine... that his power is infinite and mine is soooo limited.
I like recognizing the milemarkers... but goal setting sets me up for shame,shame, shame.
I wonder what AA thinks about goal setting.. I'lm going to look into that and may blog on this.

In one of the darkest points of my life.. totally alone.. I said a prayer.. and it went something like "God... I really, really want to be in relationship and have all those benefits (mainly just being close to someone)... but if you want me to be single and celibate for the rest of my life... I'm willing to do that for you" it was sooooooo hard for me to say that. I really didn't have any other temple limiting sins, except for porn/mb... so I felt like I was doing so much good in the other areas of my life (service, work,etc..) why couldn't I just have a little bit of 'humanity' - just a little bit of fun..(no other area of my life was really fun!)

anyway.. probably none of this makes sense... but when I said that prayer(and I meant it) I noticed a shift starting happening in my life... I started becoming a lot more real with people (at church and outside of church) and most of all I think I just started becoming my #1 advocate. I used to make the Bishop (and frankly the general authorities) soooo important in my life... and frankly.. that didn't work out for me. In my case.. they just never had the time to really understand me.... and really listen to me.. .and really provide "Wise,specific Counsel". So... now I try to put Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ in the center of my life.. and the bishop, the church, my calling, all fall to the side... They are all important ways for me to worship God (and even measure where I stand) but my bishop, the calling, this website, goal setting are certainly not the sources of my power.

The source of my power came from that humble prayer... that I was sooo completely a failure... and that nothing I could would ever generate the power to really "overpower" the urges. Having a change of heart... for me is the only way this can be changed.

Most LDS people who haven't had super powerful urges don't really get this.
only 12 step groups really understand the message that I CANT - A HIGHER POWER CAN.

The Ether 12 scripture comes to mind...

wow this was a long post and always... better for me than anyone else."
posted at 00:12:10 on April 26, 2011 by Anonymous
Sounds like you are "locking horns" with the devil    
"chat rooms are like crack cocaine or worse for me.. yikes on your battle. I say use your phone and delete your account. Why leave it around to act as a fire to the moth. plus it will take a while to get a profile set back up the next time.

I have found that my addictive cycles before I got professional help that I would lock horns with the devil. I would have this huge internal battle.. chat or not chat.. mb or not mb.. I would win a few and eventually lose. I think that process became part of my ritualization to fight and win a few battles and then slip up and then slip up big.

Now I focus on not locking horns. I need to learn to walk away from the fight. If I get close to where my thoughts are locking up, I like to write my wife a letter about how much I love and respect her. I also write lots of apologies to her. The process of writing about good things seems to take the fight away. I have been writing the email humbles me and usually takes the fight away.

Maybe you could try some 12 step programs. I have found the church ARP not to help me a lot because they are too generic and frankly not dedicated to SA. I prefer the civilian programs. I find them to be extremely useful to me. I see both sides of the extreme.. The person that has been sober for 5 years and whos life has changed to the person that slips 3X a week. I find it useful to check in and talk about my feelings. Also helps me to find role models and anti-role models-- I want to be like him.. and not like him.

Im sorry about your struggles. The biology is working against you for sure.

May you find peace"
posted at 08:10:24 on April 26, 2011 by Hurtallover
Don't give up    
"I'm also an addict. Find Strength!. Don't give up. keep trying.
It has been 6 weeks since I watched porn. Today, it is being really difficult to be free from this disease. But I only know that I'm way happier when I'm clean than when I succumb to this weakness of mine.
Think of the people that love you, and try to change for them.
After all, a few years more and we will die. Let us just try to go to heaven."
posted at 17:33:11 on April 26, 2011 by Anonymous
Losing the battle    
"I got on the chat site last night, and guess what....I met some guys. One in particular lives close to me. We chatted on and off all day today. He wants to meet me and I haven't said no yet. The only time I could meet would be while I have a babysitter tomorrow night for ARP. There's something not quite right about deciding between going to ARP or acting out in a big way. I think I want to want to say no to this guy, but it is soooo hard. He seems really sweet. I know I'm not thinking clearly anymore. It's been 2.5 years almost since I last had sex with someone I wasn't married to. Do I really want to give that up for this guy? Yes and no. Arggg...I hate this battle"
posted at 00:21:44 on April 27, 2011 by dstanley
Dont do It    
"It is your decision to make, but how will you feel afterwords! 2.5 years is a huge accomplishment. I am proud of you! I would kill to have 2.5 years sobriety again. You cant take it back. Stay Stong sister! I beleive in you. I know the urg to give in to those nagging desires. Dont! Let him know how you feel, and how you are strugling. If he really is that sweet he will not only understand he will give you some strength and support. If he doesnt, he is not sweet, just smooth tongued! Go to ARP! Have him come over when your kids are around. If chat rooms are a temptation for you stop going to them! The question is do you want to change your life more than you want to give into you addiction. I posted this for someone else yeaterday:

"There are several books that talk about the affect addiction has on your brain. One was ritten by a brain sergion and his wife. He sais that when a drug addict endulges the part of your brain that releases the endorfines that lets you "feel" the spirit is rerouted to your addictive behavior. It goes into overload and craves those endorfines you feel. Pornography affects 5 times as many parts of the brain that drugs do. that is why pornography and sexual addiction is so hard to overcome. It takes time for your brain to come out of overload and recover. the longer you can refrain from the act the less your body craves the overload, and you can start to "feel" the spirit agian. There is no set way to do this. You will go through withdrawals just like a drug addict. You will have the same cravings. Something can set you off after long months of sobriety just like an alcaholic. Dont give up, expect the withdrawals, and work through them Every Time! You can do It! We are here for you! A group is perfect for this. The 911 hot line on this site is the most amazing thing for this I have ever seen. Guard yourself at all times. Unlike alchahol sex is everywhere, and the tools for mb are always with you. Change your patters, stay away from what tempts you at all costs, and expect relapses and withdrawals even without the actions! This is the hardest thing to understand. I know I am going to catch some flack for this comparison, but it has changed my addiction for me. For the first time in 30 years I understand my never ending pattern and I can avoid the actions of viewing porn and mb. I still have times I fall, but I can shorten the pattern and stop quickly. I can get up and carry on. It took the lord and lots of reading and prayer to finally understand what it is to be an addict, not just an over indulgent man. The Lord can littary carry me when my addiction takes over. I can feel my body healing but I cant do it on my own. Find support in defensive patterns, join a group, Stay focused, and never forget you are a real addict! Good luck my freind. our prayers are with you!"

If you give in you will go through withdrawals again plus all the guilt and frustration. If you dont give in the withdrawals will go away eventually and peace will set in because you didnt give in! Dont give up!"
posted at 00:49:18 on April 27, 2011 by 30years
D, You're better than this...    
"You are a daughter of God. He loves you and wants nothing but your happiness. You have made covenants with him. Do not underestimate what He is willing to do to get you out of this downward roll! You only have to let him in. Prayer, listening to hymns, conference talks, anything that will let His light dispel the darkness.

You know you are not thinking clearly, you admitted that. So please, let the Lord make this decision, not yourself.

I am praying for you D. Please do not give in."
posted at 09:42:09 on April 27, 2011 by paul
I'm not doing it! :)    
"Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers. We had inappropriate IM conversations and an inappropriate phone call last night, but I'm happy to say that I have ended things with him today. I met with my addiction counselor this morning and he pretty well laid it out for me. It made me get out of the fantasy and look at reality. everything from likely getting ex'd or disfellowshipped, my kids, the numerous ways things could go wrong if I went to his house, etc. When I left my appointment I texted him right away and told him it's over and then deleted his text messages. When I got back to work I closed the browser I'd been chatting in. I'll have to uninstall it and remove his pictures when I get home. I'm relieved to have the decision made, and not regretting it as much as I thought I would. My counselor was so right on about a lot of things. So I will be at my ARP meeting tonight, and per my counselor's reccomendation, I am going to share with the group what I had planned and the decision I made. I'm going straight to bed after the meeting. I've only slept about 10 hours in the last 2 nights which isn't helpful for my recovery either.

Thanks again!"
posted at 16:43:47 on April 27, 2011 by dstanley
Amen. Good choice.    
"You showed your respect to all worthy priesthood holders by your choice."
posted at 17:09:23 on April 27, 2011 by jdean88
fasting    
"i have weekly meeting with my bishop every tuesday night. we talked about how im coming up on 2 weeks (today is day 14) and why 2 weeks seems to be where i always slip and why that is. part of it is physiological, and part is that i lose sight of my eternal goals. i lose perspective. so he asked me "why do you lose sight of that? you have a strong testimony. you have faith, so why do you lose sight of it all." we basicly decided that i get a good head full of steam and start off doing great. reading everyday, praying morning evening, and thrugh out the day, doing everything i need to be, but i still mess up. we talked about the wickedness cycle the nephites go through over and over in the book of mormon. basicly i get comfortable. i get relaxed. what i need is something that gives a super charge to my spiritual batteries. so today i fasted. maybe thats what you need to do too. everytime you feel that you are getting relaxed, or complacent, even though you are doing everything you should, do something (maybe fasting) that will super charge your spiritual batteries and help you keep your eternal perspective."
posted at 18:54:24 on April 27, 2011 by kaybee
Yay D!    
"I am so relieved to read this! I have been praying for you all day and I'm glad things are turning up a bit. Your continued diligence and willingness to try again are an example to me DStanley, please know that many of us here continue to pray for you!"
posted at 20:21:34 on April 27, 2011 by paul


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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005