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Back in the Thick of Things
By adrastos
4/20/2011 4:52:21 PM
I messed up this morning, and I've been depressed and wanting to mess up again all day long. I'm overwhelmed with how behind I am at work. I didn't mention that I have a new born baby that needs to be blessed and people keep asking me "So, when are you going to bless your baby?" Its such a social norm, I'm sure people are asking innocently enough, but I want to yell back "Mind your own business, we'll bless the baby when we bless the baby!!"

But I don't say that. I just tell them that we're looking at blessing the baby sometime this summer (3 months from the last time I messed up, which was this morning - I keep pushing this back more and more). I should use this as motivation, but it ends up just hitting me as guilt, guilt that I can't bless my own baby, guilt that my wife doesn't come to me for blessings, guilt that I'm still struggling with this after nearly 20 years. I'm finding that I don't even want to go to church, I avoid the subject with family, starting to be tempted to just become inactive so I have an excuse that doesn't give me the scarlet letter of unworthiness. I guess most of my intermediate family already know that I have this problem. Some are more understanding than others, its still a subject that isn't talked about. I've been very open with my wife as well, not 100%, I know I need to tell her ASAP when I mess up, but when I'm relapsing badly I start to keep it from her because I'm so ashamed. I have been better about that lately. I've found that I can't get out of a relapse without telling her. Doing this on my own has never ever worked.

So, why do we go back to the mire and partake of more filth when we know that it brings nothing but sorrow? Of course in the moment that's not what we're thinking, rather we're trying to not think at all, thinking and feeling brings sorrow, pain, and guilt. Of course that comes anyway, there is no true lasting happiness in wickedness.

I have noticed that sharing with you guys helps me out. I went to my AR meeting last night (those have been hard to get to lately).

So, I'm not necessarily looking for advice, I just needed to get this out briefly. I need to just get back up and get going again. God be willing.

Comments:

Don't Give Up    
"Discouragement is one of Satan's greatest weapons against us so know that when you're started to feel that way, it's Satan whispering in your ear that you're not good enough, that you'll never get over it. Don't give in. You can do it. You can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth you. It's really been helping me to more fully submit my will to Heavenly Father, along with any temptation I have.

Remember that having an addiction seriously weakens you, to the point where you're just not strong enough to resist it on your own. You need Christ to carry your burden and make it light enough for you to carry. Give it over to Him. It helps. I know it does.

And do go inactive. That will only makes things harder, as paradoxically as that sounds. Leaving the light won't purge the darkness. It will only strengthen it. I understand the pressure to live up to your Priesthood responsibilities. It's hard. What do you say to everyone? You don't want to let them down or to feel that shame. But the hard truth is that you won't be worthy to bless your baby until you've truly repented of these things. I think that's up to you and your bishop if that's come to pass. Just hold on. Things will work out."
posted at 17:40:38 on April 20, 2011 by jjdanomaly
Turn to Christ    
"Every moment of every day. Complete submission in all you think all you say and alll you do.

I work my steps daily. Not just read, but work. Pray, pray and pray some more. Fast, fast, and fast some more.

Make yor meetings a priority. Treat them as if they are a chemo appointment. If you had cancer, and you knew the chemo would kill it, you would not miss. You do have cancer, and you must get to the Chemo...

Serve, serve, and serve some more.

Never Give Up!!!!! Christ will save you, he promises. We truly must turn it all over, turn it all over to him.

All of your comings and goings in his name. Listen to conference. Whatever you do.........FOCUS ON THE LIGHT! Don't worry about the people and what they say, it does not matter. Lovingly state, "we are working on that" or whatever.

You do not need to be perfect to come unto Christ. You come to him completely dirty, and he will make you perfect.

Best to you brother!"
posted at 19:00:06 on April 20, 2011 by Anonymous
I do have compassion for u..but u need to get that baby blessed    
"this may sound not compassionate...but i think u should bless thebaby asap if u feel u can do it..find someone else. As the baby is innocent and is him/her birthright, just becuase Dad can't do it doesn't mean the baby should be denied. Now with that said I know it is hard to deal with addiction as I am or/was addicted as in the past I think i was. It was like I coulodn't function unless Icould fantasy about having sex with someone I would see or know and use masterbation whilke I fantasied or I would look at porn whether it be stories or women naked , scantily clad, or looking at sex acts. Now I think I jyust have a problem with a complusive behaviour disorder that deals with all the same stuff I just told u...or it could be a liethat Satan has been telling me in thepast few weeks here. Anyways my point is still the same so man up and get the baby blessed as there is a delicate balance I believe between mercy and justice so where do u draw the line......I also almost forfieted my privilege to bless my baby about 1yr ago and I was willing in sad, shameful way to let my Father in law do it but at the last minute my bishop thought I should do it so I can understand what u are going thru

I hope with theaddiction thatthings are going really well that u have more days behind u where u have abstained. The atonement is real and can even cure addiction. I strongly believe that. I am niot there yet but I know some day I will be there where Ican say I am a grateful recovering addict of x years. Currently if I make it thru today I will be at one week

-JOshua"
posted at 22:16:08 on April 20, 2011 by Anonymous
i know how you feel    
"i can sypathize about the "when are you going to..." your right, it is innocent enough in their minds. people from my ward ask me all the time when im going on my mission. im going to be 20 in august. for me 3 months is looking like july 12. its tough. i wish i could give advice on what to do about that situation, but i cant. but i want you to know that im pulling for you! whats been said here is true. SUBMIT YOUR WILL TO THE LORD! im partly telling you and partly myself. i have been working on it, and getting better, but not there yet. i really like the chemo analogy. its right on the money."
posted at 23:11:25 on April 20, 2011 by kaybee
The baby is fine    
"I guess I could agree with Joshua if the baby was older, but your baby will not be denied blessings if you wait a little while.

It is best to get it together and bless the baby, but your morivation had to be real. Focus n light. Set a date with your bishop and work it like your life depends on it, because it does. Rushed repentence is not real repentence. Do it right this time and live your recovery minute by minute through Christ.

Turn everything tim, it works"
posted at 07:51:30 on April 21, 2011 by Anonymous
Hang in there    
"We keep going back to the filth because we're addicts. Sorry about your situation with your baby. I don't have to deal with that kind of thing (being a woman), but I can see how hard it must be. I suggest lots of praying. Maybe your bishop has ideas of how to respond to people's inquiries. Unfortunately having something like a baby blessing doesn't always provide the needed motivation or guarantee success. You have to want it badly enough to do the work no matter the cost. It's hard work, but it is worth it. I also recommend being honest with your wife ASAP. Having been the wife of an addict (twice), I can say that the delay of being told can hurt more than the being told. Waiting certainly doesn't make it hurt less. Hang in there. You can do this."
posted at 19:22:57 on April 21, 2011 by dstanley
an alternative idea    
"I like the idea of becoming inactive for a time.

in a way you already are...

I say... that you don't go to church again.. until you read your scriptures 7 days in a row (for at least 4 mins each day) and pray on your knees morning and night for 7 days in a row.

personally... I like the idea of being BOLD... who cares what other people think... this addiction lives in secret. if you think you have the guts to pull it off ( I don't) I say you tell them right to their face... "I'm not worthy.. but I'm working really hard to get to that point. will you pray for me"

I'm praying for you tonight."
posted at 02:53:19 on April 24, 2011 by Anonymous


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988