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My Story
By jjdanomaly
4/14/2011 5:19:15 PM
I'm not sure how much detail I should include in my story. I had written up one account before this, but it felt like too much info, so now I'm going to simply go over my story in general.

I first discovered MB when I was 12. It didn't become a problem for me until I was 13. By then, I was doing it enough that I was constantly feeling the weight of guilt. I hated passing or preparing or blessing the sacrament on Sundays because I knew I wasn't worthy. Yet, most of the guys in my group were worse than me, doing all sorts of immoral things, so they near refused to do any of those things, leaving me, one of the ones who was viewed as a "goody-goody" to take on the duties. But I couldn't bring myself to confess. I was too ashamed, too embarrassed. Surely the bishop already knew and he would just ask me straight out, wouldn't he? It would've been easier that way, but he never did.

I had heard on a few occasions that we as members of the Church need to refrain from MB, but I thought that if it was a really serious thing, it would've been mentioned more. I was probably only petitioned a handful of times not to do it. For me, it wasn't enough. I justified that if it were more serious, there would be more talk about it. I wanted this to be true.

As I got older in adolescence, I wasn't satisfied MB normally. I had to find new ways to do it. I'm not an exhibitionist, but in seeking out those risky situations, I entrenched myself further and further in the justification of my sin. I was more and more okay with how obscene it had become.

I should also note that I have, ever since I can remember, struggled with a same-gender attraction, which has been an endless source of torment for me. I've had girlfriends, kissed and held hands and the like, but all my sexual attraction has been oriented towards boys. It made me feel perverted and sick. I still do at times. The real problem came when I found that as I grew older, my attraction to boys my age didn't grow with me. It cemented itself around a particular age group. So not only was I attracted to boys, I was attracted to boys who were only 12 or 13.

My temptations eventually led me to pornography. At first, it was only homosexual pornography, but that didn't satisfy me. I wanted pornography of the age of boys I was attracted to. Eventually, I found it. It was the most sensational drug I'd ever experienced. I couldn't stay away. Yet, at the same time, I felt like a monster, evil and wicked and the worst scum of the earth. I knew I could never confess because it would mean I would end up in prison, registered as a sex offender. I was too afraid to let it happen.

Four years have passed since I started viewing child pornography. A few months ago, I implored the Lord to save me from this evil. I wanted more than anything to be free and I knew I was powerless to do so. Miraculously, the very next day, the FBI showed up at my house, confiscating much of my electronic devices in order to search for child pornography. At the time, I had none. I had been trying to break free and had deleted it all from my computer. I wasn't arrested. I still haven't been arrested. But the proper authorities are aware of my activities (so no one needs to feel compelled to report me).

In that time since, I have refrained from returning to pornography of any kind. I have met with my bishop and stake president and have confessed to the them the nature of my crimes. I have been put on informal probation for the time being. My family knows what I've done as well. My sins of darkness have been brought into the light. I know it sounds strange to say this, but I look at those FBI agents as my angels. They set me on the path to deliverance. If they had never come, I am certain I'd still be entrenched in my evils.

Though I still struggle with this attraction to boys, I have turned to the Lord for help. I have learned much more in these few months than I have all of my life before this time. I have spent more time with my family and less time alone. I'm going back to school. I'm better keeping the commandments of tithing and fasting and keeping the Sabbath Day holy. But I know that, even now, I'm not entirely free from my temptations. I still struggle with MB at times, though it is infrequent at best. I've met with a few therapists to help me and feel that I am getting what I need in order to be made clean. If it should so be that I must go to prison for my crimes, I will do so. I know I may never be free from this perverted attraction, but I also know that I can find strength in the Lord to keep from indulging in my past temptations.

I understand it will probably be hard for some, or maybe all, of you to empathize with me because of the nature of my sins. But I have learned from this experience that I am in no place to judge others, no matter how abhorrent their actions may be. I cannot judge the man with desires to rape or the one plagued with thoughts of murder. I can't judge those who choose a homosexual lifestyle. I don't know what it's like to deal with what they have to deal with. Only the Lord knows their hearts. I would hope that everyone will extend to me the same mercy and refrain from judgment.

Note: I have never touched a child in a sexual way. I could never bring myself to do that. I am not a child molester. I wish I could change these attractions, but despite how much I've prayed and fasted, they remain. I believe it may be that this remains my "thorn in the flesh." But any prayers you can send my way would be much appreciated.

Comments:

Wow!    
"I feel bad for you. I struggle also with Same Gender Attraction. My first experience was around 11 but thankfully as an adult I am not attracted to juveniles. My questions is why would the FBI just turn up at your house if you don't have any prn? Regardless, I hope you can get some help. Even beyond what the ecclesiastical leaders can provide. I am not a psychotherapist.

On a side note, I believe there should be some 1-800 number for people who have these urges before they engage in prn or wish to harm a child. They have it for alcohol and gambling."
posted at 18:16:41 on April 14, 2011 by Anonymous
Full Empathy    
"Brother,

You have told my same story, but I went over the line. Thank you for your honesty. The FBI didn't come to my house; the police did an investigation on me after I confessed to my bishop and he reported it to the church hotline for child molestation. It was a few years after the act, which I have never repeated, but came close. The first boy, when interviewed, didn't have any recollection, so my case is closed. The second boy is mentally unable to recall events of yesterday because of a disability. No authorities came to get me or even question me. That experience is one of God's miracles in my life. I have been disciplined by the church and must receive first presidency approval to return. When I am reinstated, I can never serve in the primary or scouts or youth programs, forever, without first presidency approval. I am in counseling, group therapy, and attend the ARP multiple times per week, and meet with my bishop every couple weeks. All of those meetings are necessary for me to heal. It is amazing to contemplate how many lives I have devastated for a few minutes of pleasure. I also abused younger kids when I was a young teen. I am a returned missionary, married in the temple, and have served in many leadership callings. It all came out last year when the savior rescued me. The day I confessed to my bishop, I had readied myself to lose all of family, my job, and my freedom, to go to prison for a long time. My heart was changed, and I was willing to do anything to allow jesus to save me from these sins.

Now, I am happy. My wife didn't leave me. Many people in my family know about this and most have reached out and are forgiving. The parents of one child embrace me whenever they see me, and the love and forgiveness which they have poured out upon me is christlike. The other parents are cold to me, and rightfully so. I am at peace. Jesus the Christ has forgiven me, and I have felt his love and compassion in my heart to an infinite degree. After a year and a half, I have slips with porn and masturbation every couple months, getting less frequent and less intense. It is like the sun rising on a cloudy day. The light continues to increase in my life every day.

Get the help you need, brother. I do have empathy for you. Get counselling. Go to groups, including the church and Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous. Pray every day.

I love you."
posted at 09:28:36 on April 15, 2011 by Anonymous
Good post    
"Good for you for getting this out in the air.

I feel proud to be a member of a church that has such a strong system to lovingly handle this type of issue.

I pray for your continued growth and recovery."
posted at 11:35:48 on April 16, 2011 by gracefull
Have faith!    
"Prayers coming your way. I am so sorry you have to endure this trial."
posted at 02:16:10 on April 18, 2011 by faith21
Thank You    
"I must confess, I'm honestly surprised by the positive reactions here. I'm grateful for all your prayers and will also pray for those of you who struggle with similar temptations as myself. Truly this is the Lord's church and truly we can become clean when we undergo the proper steps of repentance. Thank you all."
posted at 12:00:16 on April 18, 2011 by jjdanomaly
Prison Experience    
"I have been in federal prison. Not for the kind of things you're talking about, but I was there nonetheless. It is literally hell. Do not do anything that would cross that line. Please! I admire your courage and your resolve. You can do it! But I guarantee it will take every bit of faith and strength you have. If you want to talk to me, reply to this and I'll log in with my real ID."
posted at 15:15:09 on June 11, 2011 by Anonymous
Sorry    
"Sorry to hear of your struggles. Congratulations on all you are doing to overcome. Keep working on it. It may always be a struggle to some extent, but I believe it can and will get easier if you keep working on it. Hang in there!"
posted at 23:41:21 on June 11, 2011 by dstanley
we all have our burdens.    
"People may say you are sick blah blah blah. But the truth is we all have our weaknesses. You have refrained from any sexual act with a child and you should be commended for that. You are strong. Stronger than some of us in our addictions.

I dont think youre a bad person. Youre a work in progress. I do think something triggered you iyour youth to like young men. I hope you are seeking counsel and keep posting here."
posted at 08:33:57 on June 14, 2011 by taintedlove
He can heal any wound    
"I am going to say this, only to remind anyone who might be reading this, and not directed to anyone here in particular, that viewing child pornography IS a sexual assault on a child. Period. It is not a grey zone. That is why it is illegal and why we cannot have any level of tolerance for it in ourselves or in others.

For those of you who are dealing with this particular addiction I commend you for your honesty and especially for seeking help through all and every channel that you can. For all man kind Christ has promised that, "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow". His promises are real."
posted at 21:45:57 on June 14, 2011 by Anonymous
i dont think that reminder was needed at all!!!!!    
"However, positive reinforcement is. Over time, counsel, prayer and guidance you can get throught this. I mean youre already taking the step obviously.

Let he without sin cast the first stone.

I may not have you addiction. But ive fallen hard in mine and have acted on it. Mine may noy be considered illegal but its as scarlet as can be when it comes to sinning.
Remember that MOST of us are behind you and will not be judgemental or harsh. We want you to succed and beat this demon. There is always hope! Youre as human as any of us are.

I know your posts will help others.
I hope others will allow it without casting stones."
posted at 23:55:08 on June 14, 2011 by taintedlove
Wow....    
"Wow i felt like that exactly i also started to become an addict when i was 12 or 13 and felt the need to pass out the bread and water so nobody would ask.I also did it because everybody else was doing worse things like drugs and sex so i convinced myself i was the best to be doing it.Also now i know it's better not to because when you confess,who ever you confess to there more disappointed because you passed when you knew not too.I knew the bishop knew something was up when he'd always ask me are you sure that's it??? but i didn't i was to embarrassed so i said that my only sin was cussing.

I never was attracted to boys but i remember when i was 12 i use to do sexual things with a 10 or 9 year old girl she wanted to too, not full sexual things but more like touching i felt sick i still do so i stopped repented and never did it again.

I'm nobody to say this but maybe that was a sign to stop i mean if they would caught you who knew what they would of done to you and who knew what they would of done to you in jail or worse prison but lets not think about,well I've never watch homosexual porn my dad tell me that another bad thing about MB among a long list is that it leaves you wanting more and might turn you into looking for homosexual porn.

One of my family members (not close) raped his sister i feel bad for him he does not want to repent so i am glad you did.I don't have anything to say about your attraction to boys,but to just pray and i'll pray for you."
posted at 09:33:35 on June 15, 2011 by teddy
anything can happen if you let it get far enough    
"I think we forget that our actions come from our mind. And althoug at first the idea of doing something like molesting a child or raping a girl seem crazy, if we pollute our mind with enough filth the dark part of us starts to warm up to tose type of notions. I remember when I had zero exposure to porn, I had the greatest respect for women and could not imagine hurting them or taking their honor away. But once I delved deep into porn I began to see them as objects for my own gratification.

What we feed our brain will come out in actions, so lets feed the brain with the GOSPEL!!"
posted at 04:25:40 on May 24, 2012 by moronidenovo


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990