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oh wretched man am I!!! I get glimpses of light but seem that I can't follow thru!
By Joshua
4/3/2011 6:16:55 PM
So I thought I did some bad horrible thing which I confessed to my bishop regarding what may have happenned one very early morning with my son and I as my almost 5 year old likes to sleep in my room from time to time and when I did confess to him I wasn't sure if I did or not as I was very drowsy and because of the stuff I was thinking it was a dream as I in my right mind would never do that. So the next day I was going to meet with a psycologist and him awith my son and I to talk about it to determine if it did happen so I can know whether ior not I will have to tell the police as it was that bad. So I thought about it all day at work and asked for the Holy Ghost to bring up to me in remembrance of what happenned and after thinking about I knew that I didn't do it to the extent that I thought I have done it but I came pretty close if I did do it so now my son isn't allowed whatsoever to sleep in my room or be with me in my room when it is just me and him. Still met with the counsellor and the bishop that night and u would think of all the things that would have been mine BIG WAKEUP CALL. Sadly it wasn't.

As even though I tried all week to go to my wife when I was emotionally vulnerable she kept putting it off so I wouldn't approach plus I was frustrtaed that she wouldn't go to bed with me at all in the past week except one time to sleep, cuddle, etc without any expectation of sex as my bishop finally after him knowing for 2 years as decided that I need a counsellor to deal with this too told mme to try this out.

P:S my counsellor is not from LDS family services but is from AADAC ( alcohol and drugs abuse counselling services) but based on my readings any addiction has still the same root causes and similar ways to resolve it. He is a memeber of the bishopric in my ward. But it is better than no counsellor

So back to why my wakeup call wasn't. After my wife went to work and my kids were asleep and as i was feeling tempted again and my wife doesn't have a password on her laptop I looked up some porn and masterbated to that and now I am the same negative cycle like I can't seem to get enough of it now and after I am done I have the same self defeating thoughts that makes me want to do it again to get rid of those thoughts. It is like a cyclone in a sea how it drags u down deeper and deeper as it circles around u.

I have been trying to think of the horse to lately how it is bridled and broken in so it can do what u want it too but sometimes u let the horse run in the meadow under safe conditions and how exciting the ride can be and how it can be like that if I can manage to bridle my passions or like a posion how it might hurt to get it out of my body so my body can heal and then how much better it would be after it is healed and how symbolic that is here. So I guess I need to access the atonement again and use my support network and do the thing s that will draw me closer to the Saviour if I can drag myself out of my self imposed neagtive binge cycle

Comments:

Hang in there    
"You can pull yourself out of this. You have to break out of the addiction cycle. You're feeling pain and despair (and probably some other stuff). You can't numb yourself with preoccupation with acting out. Deal with your emotions. Journal, pray, talk to the counselor. Use all your recovery tools. Have your wife put a password on her laptop. A counselor with addiction that is a member of the bishopric sounds ideal. Not being from LDS family services isn't a problem. Make use of your counseling. You need to give your wife room to heal. Expecting sex from her is probably not helping either of you. You can't let your sobriety rest on rather or not you're getting sex from her. Is she getting the help she needs? Anyways, fight your way out of the cycle. You've had success, you can have success again, but you need to buckle down."
posted at 20:52:55 on April 3, 2011 by dstanley
Kids    
"I don't know the full details and it is probably best not to discuss them here. But if I have lost control of my life to the point where my behavior may in some way endanger the physical, mental, spiritual life and wellbeing of my kids, I would leave the house."
posted at 20:58:56 on April 3, 2011 by Anonymous
Not sure about that    
"From what I've read here, it was something that happened (maybe) in the process of waking up from a dream. It seems to me that the steps to make sure it doesn't happen again have happened."
posted at 22:17:24 on April 3, 2011 by dstanley


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"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990