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This is the first time ever Im sharing my addiction, Scared !!!
By lincoln
4/1/2011 7:04:11 PM
I have been in and out of this problem from the age of about 12. I've had relatively good years and bad years. The last 5 years it's been very bad and I've really tried hard to stop with several spells of abstinence. I am married and she doesn't know. Nobody knows but the Lord. I know the pain and the joy that comes from long successful stretches of cleanliness and failure. However, just today, I spent 2 hours on line, telling myself no no no, and still getting the fill I was ailing for. I've never shared this and feel my trepidations about posting here, however, I feel I need the advice of others who are going through the same issue. I'm 38 and have a goal to kill this addiction asap. I have had tearful discussions with Heavenly Father and I know he hears. I also know that his disappointment is high. Any help would be so very helpful.

Comments:

Welcome    
"Congratulations on taking the difficult step of telling someone. It can be a hard thing to do, but it's a good thing to do. Being secretive isn't good when it comes to addiction. I encourage you to tell your wife and bishop. As a former wife of an addict (I'm an addict also), I had a harder time with the lying than the addiction. Get the recovery manual and start working through the steps. Find an ARP meeting or if you don't have one close to you find an SA or SAA meeting and start going. If you can find someone to be a sponsor that's great too. Read past posts here. Come here often and post and read other people's posts. You can do this.
D"
posted at 23:08:22 on April 1, 2011 by dstanley
Secrets    
"So happy you came here. You had to start to let it out and this blog is a great outlet.

You wife already knows. She may not know what, but she knows that something is wrong with your relationship. She may think that it is all her. She may think she is not good enough. She is feeling something, but may not know why. This is the same story over and over again. Satan wants her to feel this way. He would have you take this secret to the grave. He would have you believe that you have confessed to God, and that is good enough. He would have you think that you can overcome this addiction without ever telling your Bishop or your wife. He would have you believe that you are different and you do not need to go into recovery. These are all lies to keep you in bondage.

You have taken a great first step already. Please pray for the Lord's courage to take the other necessary steps in order to reach full recovery. I will not lie, it will be a long road to recovery, but not as long as not going into recovery. We make it harder on ourselves by keeping secrets and telling lies to cover up. You are now taking the first steps to stop all the secrets.

Hang in there, pray for courage, and come back here & read the stories of recovery, especially Rugga's. We are all the same and it is the shame that keeps us from giving our addictions to the Lord.

Lastly, pray and listen to conference with new eyes this weekend because you are ready to hear with new ears. You are in step 1 right now, Honesty.

Blessings are coming."
posted at 01:10:22 on April 2, 2011 by Anonymous
Support    
"We are the same age. I went through the same thing as you did when I was in my twenties. It was bad. I hated myself. Wasted time. But I got a good therapist and a Bishop who was amazing who just loved me and did not flinch at "my exploits." But there is hope. Thank goodness that the Internet was in the school lab and not in my apartment...otherwise I would have never went to school.

There is hope! There is hope! There is hope!"
posted at 01:50:25 on April 2, 2011 by Anonymous
Tell her    
"You are taking such huge steps to help yourself out- that is fantastic!!

As a wife of someone that is addicted maybe I offer some advice or at least tell you how I feel. What someone else has posted is true- your wife knows. She can't put a finger on it because not too many women would want to even think of that as a possibility. She is really confused and she is probably spending lots of time trying to make things right.

Its been almost 7 years since I found out about my husband. And the part that I struggle the very most with is why he lied to me and continues to. I felt cheated that I had spent over a year feeling guilty that I was doing something to not make our marriage work. I found all the porn online and all sorts of other things by myself. He was defensive and acted like he was sorry to have been caught- not sorry to have an addiction.
It makes me feel like he thinks I am really dumb. Everytime he would have a slip up and I would find it on the computer- I would give him chances to come clean with me and he never would. I would finally have to confront him about it. So not only was I upset that he was struggling but that he was lying to me about it.
Your wife will be hurt and have a hard time regardless. No one gets taught in premarrital classes on how to react to something like this. However it will be a lot easier for YOU to tell her in a more ideal setting instead of her stumbling upon it. She will be able to trust you more if you are humbled and want her help.
I am still learning a lot about all of this- even after 7 years. I constantly am reading books and trying to help myself as well as my husband. At least you are here online asking for help and trying to make things right.
I hope you realize how important and how huge it is to admit and seek out help!
My prayers are with you!!!
www.faithofalady.blogspot.com"
posted at 22:54:59 on April 3, 2011 by faith21
Lincoln let me tell you how it is    
"Welcome buddy, I love this community, I needed it more than anything else to get me through those hard days.
The advice above is amazing and really helpful to you.

Scared is an understatement, words cannot fully describe the fear, shame and guilt we feel when telling others of secrets of this nature for many years. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW SO DON'T FEAR AND TRUST US WHEN WE SAY IT WILL BE OK IN THE END. YOU ARE WORTH SAVING, HEALING AND SO IS YOUR MARRIAGE.

Oh boy my heart sank when I read your post, so many flash backs from Jan 2010. Last year I dropped the dreaded C-BOMB and all hell broke loose. We are still recovering and picking up the broken pieces to our relationship but HEY this is where the good news comes in: WE ARE STILL TOGETHER!

The effect our lies have on the loved ones are to powerful to comprehend. They have the power to destroy existing love within seconds, so it turned out for me. I mustered up the courage to drop the bomb and I remember my wife so willing to understand me and support me in her loving way but after the words left my mouth exposing the truth, I was anything but her husband. Eternal companionship was suddenly shortened to a 7 year end and I was living in my basement for some months. Now I did not do what you are doing, I just somehow decided enough is enough I am telling her without any preparation or plan B. I had very little sobriety behind me when I told her, couple days probably. So you are starting now, work it hard and get sober in mind. It is so possible Lincoln, you can retrain the brain, I testify that you can, that is 80% of the battle won if you can be disciplined enough to do that.

There is no way around this, you must tell her, she must know not for you and your recovery but for her recovery. Fact is that your lies have destroyed many parts of her spirit, I can bet anything that she is a codependent and very fragile right now. This is all a result of the dynamic your relationship has taken on due to your secrets and lies. You owe it to her, she needs freedom and that only begins when you tell her the truth. I warn you, trust will not exist and you will have no leg to stand on for ages until you demonstrate over time consistent change. I am still at this stage, my wife trusts Osama Bin Laden more than me right now.
I am trying to tell you as it is, no sugar coating the issue.

My advise is to pray and ask for the courage to free your wife. It is all about her now, not you. The Lord will appreciate such an attitude and help you help her heal.

Hey man a lot has been said for so long which materials and tools to use, I have a strong opinion on what has worked for me and I am sure it will work for anyone else.

1) ARP program (work it like your life depends on it because it does)

2) This site (I made this a daily habit)

3) Bishop accountability interviews - So helpful

4) Tell as many loved ones as you can - exposes the secrets - more support

5) Let your wife tell whoever she wants - all about her now, not us

6) DVD called Helping her heal by douglas Weiss, a treasure for the addict trying to help mend a broken heart - Get it ASAP.

7) I am going to study the new Spouses manual in a recovery group starting April, this is going to take my recovery to a new level.

8) STAY CLEAN, this will help the most

Good luck Lincoln, the Savior will heal you in every way possible. I have no desire anymore, I do not struggle at all, the healing is real if you work your butt off. I promise it is real, IT JUST ALL DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT.

The Lord does not want your marriage to fail, he wants to fix it and heal you both, let him do it by speaking the truth, then and only then will he begin a miracle you know is waiting to happen.

I am happy to help you in any way possible."
posted at 20:52:00 on April 5, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Lincoln    
"A familiar voice. Rugga is right. We have been there before. You are not alone.

When no one else knew, I felt like such a liar, a hypocrite. I found this site and the ARP manual and worked on recovery as much as I possibly could. In a way reading/posting here and writing out answers to the ARP manual questions replaced acting out. Eventually, I had about six months sobriety under my belt, but still couldn't feel better about anything. Fact is, even though I had effectively stopped my addiction, I was still hiding my past. I was still hiding who I was. In January of this year I finally came clean.

I picked a day after the holidays, far from anyone's birthday so I wouldn't mar any important events. But as the day got closer I got more and more scared. I knew that confession would hurt her, I knew it would lead to a loss of trust. I knew it might lead to a loss of love. At times, I was convinced it would lead to divorce. Those negative thoughts, all those reasons not to tell her are brought up to you by Satan. He wants you to continue to hide you sins because that stops true repentance. Honesty, Truth, Light, are the only things that can dispel the darkness.

My wife has told me she thinks the sobriety I had behind me before confession helped ease the blow. So... take that for what you will. Many people have decided to confess after getting some sobriety built up only to never quite build up enough. Don't fall into that trap. Confession may be the catalyst to finally achieving lasting sobriety.

You do have to know that once a confession has been made, your total focus has to be on helping her heal. You cannot protect yourself or your addiction by continuing to act out or keeping her from finding the help she needs. As Rugga has stated, you have to make it all about her.

Heavenly Father is not disappointed in you. He is rooting for you. Take the steps to make yourself, your marriage, and your soul whole.

PS - Go to group! It is hard to go the first time, but you WILL NOT be judged. You will however, find that you are not alone. You will find others who have been where you are and have healed. You will find hope!"
posted at 15:08:43 on April 6, 2011 by paul


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988