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can this really be done?
By kaybee
3/30/2011 2:41:22 AM
it has now been 214 days since i first really decided that i needed to make a change. 214 days since i said, "this is an addiction, and it is stopping me from meeting my goals, and it needs to stop." since then, the longest i have gone is 23 days. i feel overwhelmed. i dont feel like i have enough faith to make this happen in my life. i feel depressed. nothing seems to help. saw my bishop tonght. talked about things that should help me overcome this addiction, but i dont know. i get going, say, a week in, and i start feeling really good, then i begin to get depressed again, then i dont want to talk to god. feel like no matter how hard i try, its just vain repetition. then i feel like he doesnt want to hear from this failure. i said so many times, "god, i want to fix this so badly. help me" and everytime I[/B] have come up short. so why should he listen now? i know he is a perfect god, and a loving god who wants to listen when i ray to him, yet i dont feel that way. i dont know what to do to beat this depression part. i just want to die. slip into a hole and disappear.

Comments:

You are awesome    
"Let me do the math. 214 days since your miracle where God and/or angels put you on the path to recovery. Right? Ok. The longest you have gone is 23 days. so in 214 days, you slipped up a minimum of 214/23=9 times. Let's just guess and say that you messed up an average of every 11 days, ok? so that is about 19 non-sober days. 19 days out of 214 is around 9%. So, if my numbers are correct, you have been consistently sober between 91% (19 slips) and 95.8% (9 slips).

Dude! you are at least 91% sober! WOO HOO!

Now, I'd have to ask you to clarify, but let's assume you are like I was before my miracle where God snatched me out of the very jaws of Hell, the mouth gaping wide open to consume my soul, ok? Are you with me? For the last 214 days before this miracle in my life, I probably acted out with p or mb maybe 200 of those days. I am a bad case, so you probably aren't so bad. Even if you acted out 214 days, it is still all good. So 200/214 is being 6.5% sober, and 214 days acting is being 0.0% sober.

So the progress you have made, in the worst case is being sober 91% of the time from 6.5%, which is a (0.91 / 0.065 - 1.0) = 13, which is 1300% improvement (normalized). In the best case (you'll have to correct my numbers), but you went from 0.0% sober to 91%, which is a statistically and mathematically INFINITE improvement, which doesn't make sense, so let’s just say you missed one of the previous 214 days acting out, giving 0.46% sobriety to the best case of 91.0% sobriety, giving an overall improvement of (0.91 / 0.0046) - 1.0 = 196.82 which equals 19,682% improvement.

You have improved, using good engineering analysis, between 1300% and 19,000%.

Why are you whining?

Drop to your knees and thank God for the miracle.

Tell Satan to get the “hell” out of your life. He is the one throwing the discouraging pity party idea your way. Get rid of that bastard.

You are doing fine. Don’t be one of the 9 lepers who didn’t thank the Christ for healing him. Don’t say life sucks because the healing is on God’s timetable.

Drop to your knees and thank Him AND ask for a little patience. Section 4 promises that patience (and temperance, i.e. self-control) are freely given gifts with one and only one contingency. You must ask, and it shall be given. You must knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

So ask.

Or, have your little pity party. Invite all you want, you’ll be the only one there."
posted at 18:02:44 on March 30, 2011 by lawrence
PS    
"PS I love you bro.

Dude go back and read your old posts. Every time you slip you say you are more determined than ever. You have a post about how good life is. Take a look back at the big picture. You are healing. Be happy. What if your last slip was just that, your last one? hmmm?"
posted at 18:03:38 on March 30, 2011 by lawrence
lawrence, you are right.    
"im feeling pretty good today, but i would like to point out that the main reason for my discouragement isnt because of the porn/mb, but is a result of it. but no worries, im feeling pretty good today, day 2, and now i have a little countdown in the center of my computer screen. 88 days until i can finish my mission papers and get back to moving forward in my life. :) and thanks for the mathamatical/enganeer type breakdown of it. im a numbers kind of guy. but, id say it was probly an average of 5 good, 2 bad. on average."
posted at 18:31:23 on March 30, 2011 by kaybee
I understand you    
"This is the first time ever I'm telling anyone with this comment right now that I have the same issue as you. I feel internally the feelings you go through. I understand the switch of strength that turns off and you slip. Even when you say no while you walk to a place to offend. I did it again today after about 25 days of total cleanliness. It broke my heart and I knelt before the God and prayed and cried. I can only say that you have to carry on and rededicate like usual but do it with fight and vigor. This is the first time I've told this to anyone but I feel that I can really identify with your feelings and heart. It's up us to crush his head brother. I love you and hope you will turn it into total success with no slips. I hope and pray for myself. my wife doesn't know and I need to fight it for ever."
posted at 19:36:47 on March 30, 2011 by Lincoln
you can do this.    
"It is all about giving your whole soul to God. I have faith in you."
posted at 14:43:31 on March 31, 2011 by lawrence
How are you??    
"Are you keeping up? I know the strength need and I also know you have it. We all do. I know it as well and use it every day. I fall and when I do I tend to stay down for a 2-3 days until I get back up and carry the cross. I only hope to built the muscle needed to never drop the cross. Building that spiritual muscle is the only way the cross gets lighter. I hope you will look at it that way as well. It worked for me on my mission very well. Love ya bro. You'll make it."
posted at 17:19:05 on March 31, 2011 by Anonymous
How are you??    
"Sorry, it's me Lincoln
Are you keeping up? I know the strength need and I also know you have it. We all do. I know it as well and use it every day. I fall and when I do I tend to stay down for a 2-3 days until I get back up and carry the cross. I only hope is to built the muscle needed to never drop the cross. Building that spiritual muscle is the only way the cross gets lighter. Remember that. I hope you will look at it that way as well. It worked for me on my mission very well. Love ya bro. You'll make it.""
posted at 17:21:06 on March 31, 2011 by lincoln


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987