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I'm Back
By hope4change
3/20/2011 3:58:42 AM
I don't know that I ever really left (constant lurker), but I did stop posting here. Not because of any great success, not because life got busier, but because I have once again fallen back to the position of making zero progress towards my recovery. Allowing myself to fly by the seat of my pants. In a lot of ways I'm just kind of out of control. I do what I want, whenever I want. I've driven myself further from the church, but things really could be worse. I'm still alive, I still believe in our Father in Heaven and His son. Beyond my sexual addictions and my recent inclination to drink coffee, I'm just as normal as the next guy. The last few months have been hell for my mother though. Since the day I turned 18, her main focus and goal has been to convince me to serve a mission. All she sees is me avoiding the church at all costs, and for reasons she can only guess at. For a long time, we rarely attended church. She says it was never because of a lack of testimony, and I don't doubt that. I'm glad she's pulled closer towards the Church, but at the same time, I get tired of her pushing. That sounds awfully cynical. Her intentions are good, but I've left her so much in the dark, that she has no way of knowing or understanding. At the same time, I feel like it isn't her place to have to carry the burden that tortures me every second I live. This is my problem, that I created. Despite that line of thinking, she worries and cries much more than she should have to. I love her, I really do. As a single mother, she did a great job at raising three kids. I never believed my English teachers through school when they talked of writing as a method of critical thinking, but the more I type, the more I figure out in my head. And the more I write, the more I think I need to stop leading this two-faced life and own up to the mistakes I've chosen to make. Of nearly 19 years of life, I've lived much of the last 6 or 7 years playing for the wrong team, under the wrong coach, and alongside the wrong teammates.

Comments:

You're Back...    
"I don't know what to say, I probably should not be the first one posting. I probably should not be posting at all. I've been out for awhile too. I've fallen to despair and hopelessness, I've been convinced that we can not change. Or in other words, in our current state, we will not change. And it's obvious that we haven't, at least not for any long term.

I'm 21 years old now, it only gets worse. I have read your previous posts back then. I was different too. And it scares me how similar our lives have been. So is there really a hope for a change. I'm hurting so unnaturally bad that I can't describe it. The devil has me by the throat. I wish I could die. I'm afraid of myself at this point. I've lost all purpose and meaning to my life. Just failing over and over again.

After sinning I finally prayed in the shower, begging God to curse me, basically to allow me to suffer, that I might hit rock bottom, that I might become willing to change, that I would become willing to place myself in a state that would allow for the opportunity to change. That is the only way we will change. Until the pain of the problem is worse than the pain of the solution. I imagined that my mother should die, and what my life would be without her help or love. I saw my suffering and for a second I felt it. I don't want to suffer, I don't want to be in pain, I don't want God to curse me (even if it helped me in the long-term), but sometimes the pain is so great that you would rather experience a different pain. What would your life be like if your mother was no longer there? I'm ashamed to say that I probably could not do it. My life has become so unstable.

It could be so easy and obvious to somebody else, from my perspective, I feel like I “can't” do anything, and with a life hurting so badly I don't do anything, even when it could help me over time, even when hope for change is possible, I’ve been blinded, I can not see it.

I still live with my mother. She has been very good to me, more than I deserve. She wants me to go on a mission too. She doesn't know what to do with me. Although I technically have not done anything wrong to her, (disregarding the sufferings to her that is caused by my sins) I still feel like I deserve to be kicked out. Maybe then I will see what life is really like, so that I might finally be willing to change.

I'm sorry for the freaky post, I'm sorry for ruining your thread Hope4Change. I'm so sad and ashamed, so much so that I will hide myself with a mask. I don't want you to think that I am some depressed fool. Regardless. I am in pain for many reasons, my unwillingness to change and to sin is 2 of them.

Ironically, after I prayed that God would help me “hit-rock-bottom” and after feeling the pain that could occur if my mother was out of my life, I actually felt a peace, I actually felt a comfort, all the pain disappeared for a moment. I want to pretend like I don't know why. Almost like a reminder that God has always been holding on to me despite my honest confession of my unwillingness to accept his gift of life. It's like, I finally admitted step 1, in our current state, we will not change. Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Please forgive me"
posted at 15:01:23 on March 20, 2011 by Anonymous
keep it simple!    
"What are you willing to do today? Are you willing to start your day with a prayer? End end your day working on a graditude list? Also a evening prayer? And every time you get in a bad place make a reach out call to someone.Alos look for ways to give service, like hold the door open for a mom with a baby in her arms. Or a senior who might need some help reaching something off the top shelve.Keep a pad and pin with you and write your thoughts down.sometimes we have to act as if, meaning like as if everything is alright.Until it becomes alright.when i first started to go to a 12step program I never thought of myself as self centered, until one day it hit me all I am thinking of is me myself and I ! and thenIi realized , the world does not revolve around ME !GO MAKE A FRIEND IN A NURSING HOME AND MAKE HER DAY! SERVICE IS IT'S OWN REWARD!WELL I COULD GO ON AND ON. I'M A 12 STEPER OF ABOUT 40YRS. AND HAVE LOTS TO SHARE, AND HAVE SPONCERED LOTS OF WOMAN IN EATING DISORDER PROGRAMS. AND ONE THING I LEARNED IS MOST OF THEM WERE SEXUALY ABUSIED SOME TIME OR OTHER, IF THIS IS SO THERE IS HELP! THERE IS HELP, GOD COULD AND WOULD IF YOU WOULD LET HIM.LVU LARRYJUNE"
posted at 16:54:31 on March 20, 2011 by Anonymous
change is possible    
"if u rely on God and his tender mercies do the 12 steps and mean it...for the longest time I thought the same thing of it is such a huge hurdle so why try I am just going to do it anyways , besides it feels good and who cares whatothers might think...however now that I am honestly trying again I can say it is worth it sure it will take tons of effort on my part but it is worth it"
posted at 22:14:32 on March 20, 2011 by Joshua
Telling Your Mother?    
"Have you thought about telling your mother about your addiction? I know it's a hard thing, but it may make things easier in the long run. I don't live at home, but I know I felt better when I told my mom and quit having to lie to her. Hang in there. Try to get back to church. I know I do better when my spiritual life is better."
posted at 17:32:57 on March 23, 2011 by dstanley
ONE DAY AT A TIME!    
"THE 12STEPS I ABOUT GETTING HONEST,EVEN WITH YOURSELF! THAT IS THE FIRST STEP! AND IT IS A PROGRAM OF ACTION! WE DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ALL THESE CHAGES IN ONE DAY! BUT DO BECOME WILLING TO LET THE LORD CARRY YOUR LOAD AND GUIDE YOU AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, OF SPIRITUAL FEASTING!THE VOID WE ARE TRYING TO FILL WITH ALL THE JUNK,ALL WE NEED TO DO IS FILL IT WITH SPIRITUAL THINGS, GOOD MUSIC, SERVICE, PRAYER, READING THE SCRIPTURES, AND NOT THE WHOLE BOOK OVER NIGHT! ONE CH AT A TIME . THEN WATCH THE CHANGES TAKE PLACE IN OUR ADDITUDE!WORK ON A GRADITUDE LIST HELPS ME.LIVING IN RECOVERY IS FAR MORE BETTER THEN NOT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK IT TAKES.MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU UNTIL THEN.SHARON"
posted at 16:22:15 on April 1, 2011 by Anonymous
Anything is possible    
"All I can say is that anything is possible. I was where you are at your age I had a huge addiction problem. The only difference is that I did not have parents who provided any support (I was introduced to porn through my father's magazines).

Today, I am happy, healthy, married with kids, and active in the Church.

Anything is possible. It depends how badly you really want it."
posted at 17:04:51 on April 1, 2011 by Anonymous


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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006