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Struggling A Little
By dstanley
2/23/2011 4:27:42 PM
These last few days have been a little bit harder. I can feel myself slipping. I'm still doing all my recovery stuff, and with God's help I'm at day 26, but I know that I'm on shaky ground. I find myself somewhat disappointed that my urges are low and I don't have an excuse to act out. I feel myself moving into some gray areas as well. I talked with my counselor and he thinks I'm looking for excitement, so I'm supposed to be thinking about a way to get some excitement aside from acting out. The next few days could be dicey. I start my new job on Monday and I'm approaching a month. Between those two things it's not likely to be easy. I really, really want to stay sober. I don't want to slip. I don't want to want to slip. It's frustrating, but I'm sticking with my plan and I'm going to review the LifeSTAR materials on Surviving Withdrawals. My counselor is a little worried about me. I pray it all works out. As my counselor said, the last thing I need right now is a slip.

D

Comments:

I like you    
"Dear D, I just want you to know that I really like you. I admire you. You are trying so hard. I think it is especially cool that you try this hard when the idea of mb as a sin is such a relatively new idea to you. You are a great lady and I am cheering for you!"
posted at 18:43:53 on February 23, 2011 by katie
I like you too    
"I completely echo katie's comments

even though I'm a guy 95% of what you write is exactly how I think and feel.

I have seen miracles happen in the past 2 weeks in my life... and they all come from me putting god first in my life.. I cried on my way home from work tonight... because I feel like I've sacrificed and given so much... why can't I just have a little, teency little excitement....
I've given everything else.. why can't I just keep this stupid, little, pet sin.

then I realized that I just don't want life... I want what jesus promised (life more abundantly)

and then I realized that if I want a true, authentic, honest relationship with God the Father and Jesus Christ and the holy ghost... that I needed to offer up everything... I really starting tearing up then... wondering how much do you want God?
I'm not sure if the testing will ever end... and I'm not sure I'm ok with that... but i have made peace with the fact.. that for me.. at least, there is no other way!

I believe that God has HUGE plans for all of us humble addicts.. who stumble along.. and gives tender mercies along the way (like a great job)

Pres Eyring.. keeps a journal of all the great things God has done... (for 30+ years I think) of the amazing little things that God did for him each day.. (they add up!)

well as always... this comment is more for me than anyone else."
posted at 21:53:47 on February 23, 2011 by gracefull
Thanks!    
"Even if the church decided that mb was OK, I know that I still need to quit.

I've try to focus on the good things. I probably could use a little more consistency with that."
posted at 00:04:19 on February 24, 2011 by dstanley
Stay Strong!    
"The two words of my title are said frequently to others as it reminds me of a scripture in Helaman 5:12. "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." D, be strong like a rock! Stay focused on the Savior and entering the holy temple. Naturally we are trained as human beings to focus on the present and what is going on at the moment when we don't take enough time to stay persistently keeping our "eye of faith" as mentioned in one of my favorite chapters, Alma 5. I suggest you to study it as I believe there are over 40 self-reflective questions to ponder and apply to your life and recovery. Then to pour out our souls before the Lord in prayer as Enos did with a true "hunger" for our relationship with Him to be restored. In any case I think your example is marvelous as you stand as a child of your Heavenly Father seeking to be whole again."
posted at 01:26:57 on February 24, 2011 by aurelius89
Aaaarrrrggghhh!!!!!    
"Why does this have to be so hard? I feel like I'm headed towards a slip I can't avoid. I read my booklet on Surviving Withdrawals. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now, but part of me really wants to act out and make it go away. I know I need to make it through it, I just pray I can."
posted at 01:32:19 on February 24, 2011 by dstanley
Hormones!!    
"Seems to me and I could be totally up in the night! You seem to struggle on a very consistent basis. Close to the full moon if you get my drift? Breath, get that ICE!!! PRAY!!!
Love to you!"
posted at 02:02:03 on February 24, 2011 by Hero
Speak No Evil, Think No Evil    
"D,

Another thing that is simply a classic rule in the book is that you put yourself in danger the more you talk and think about acting out. You have to in some ways focus on the grossness and dark nature of what that behavior resembles and stay away from anything contrary to that. I'm not sure there's anything anybody can say or do if you keep focusing on it being so hard to resist--by that point Satan is going to win because you haven't put up any shields. Forgive me if I seem too direct, but you have to put your armor on! Go for a walk...read a hymn...call a good friend...get down on your knees and pray...do something active!"
posted at 11:38:05 on February 24, 2011 by aurelius89
DStanley...    
"You CAN do this. Sometimes it is going to be hard. Every time it is hard and you resist...it is going to get easier to resist...think about that. Think about your HF. You were with him before this life and you chose to follow Him. Keep doing your best. When I am struggling...I try and think of a childhood memory or even a recent memory and focus on specific details in that memory. Who was I with? What kind of shoes did my friend have on? As I focus on these details the urges go away! Good luck...we're all praying for you!"
posted at 13:04:40 on February 24, 2011 by jdean88
Still Sober    
"Need to get to bed so I can get some sleep, but wanted to say thanks and let you know that I'm still sober. Tomorrow is day 28! :)"
posted at 00:10:01 on February 25, 2011 by dstanley
Thanks    
"So good to hear D."
posted at 01:06:06 on February 25, 2011 by Hero
Update    
"It could be a hormone thing. I have an IUD, so I don't know when it's that time of the month. I also think it's partly because I'm coming up on a month sober which would be longer than I've gone in the last few months.

I've been working pretty hard on catching myself when I first start thinking about acting out. It usually isn't a problem. I was starting to fall back into looking for a reason to act out and so I was starting to be afraid of going to bed again (since that is a particularly vulnerable time for me). I think I'm putting my recliner fairly off limits for now.

Thinking of a memory in detail sounds like a good idea.

I looked back at my recovery plan and realized that there were two things that were sliding. I haven't been doing well with working on my To-Do list and I've been bad about getting to bed on time. I did better with the To-Do list yesterday and today, but I'm still working on the bed part. Last night and tonight are better than the couple nights before that, but still not what I want to get to. I'm going to keep working on these.

1.5 hours away from 4 weeks! :) This is definitely because of God's help. I know that I wouldn't have made it through this rough spot without his help. I have not struggled at night nearly as much as I used to. I think that praying for help before I start getting ready for bed and in the morning and committing to staying sober when I pray in the morning and night. All of your comments really help too."
posted at 00:38:15 on February 26, 2011 by dstanley


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987