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Hello darkness my old friend
By They Speak
2/22/2011 3:33:47 AM
It always starts with sleep. Well, and a weird uneasy feeling that I can't explain that I feel the day of the night I usually find myself up. I don't know if I'm just having withdrawal symptoms or just making bad choices but I'm up, awake, alert, and ready. Uhg. It always starts here. In 2-3 hours I'll be acting out for sure. And even if I manage to hit the hay tomorrow's a crap shoot already because of tonight (late night). Sleep: a curious thing.

Comments:

How'd it Go?    
"I hope you're still sober, but if not pick your self back up and try again. Sleep is a curious thing. It isn't inevitable that you'll act out. Try to do something different. Pray, get up and do something, dunk your face in ice water, whatever you have to do.

D"
posted at 00:30:55 on February 23, 2011 by dstanley
Went well    
"And I'm off to bed now. Another new day awaits tomorrow. Thanks for checkin up"
posted at 01:06:00 on February 23, 2011 by They Speak
Awake and hatin it    
"Last night before I went to sleep (for like 2 hours. Blah) I thought about the times when/how I almost don't even feel like an addict. Tempted but not compulsive. Where going months and months clean seemes very realistic, nearly inevitable - like running around the block vs. around planet earth...for your soul. It seemed to me as I pondered that the few other times, at least since I've been married, that I've felt a "manageable" level of compulsion were those times, 47 days to be exact, I was committed to an early down early up schedule. I feel good living like that. Generally happy. Generally stable.

I've known for 7+ years that sleep is the first thing I must get under control if I'm struggling with anxiety or depression but connecting it with my addiction is fairly new and revelatory. Yet, I started saying after the first forty days (nearly 2 years ago) that I knew my chances of sobriety if I was in bed before 12 and up before 9 seemed nearly 100%. Sobriety just happens. Or seems too. Only now I'm just wondering how serious I took that? If I really believed it wouldn't it have been out of the question to not abide strictly? I guess that's whats "new" and "revelatory" - just how powerless/up the creek I appear to be if I get arrogant about sleep. I think my thinking has followed a "pff, I'm an adult its ridiculous to think I can be in bed early most the time. Its not that big of deal" attitude.

So Im kind of ruminating on this hypothesis: provided I do my dailies and keep within certain boundaries (don't stare at a play boy and expect not to open it. Don't remove filter on phone etc) with proper sleep I'll remain sober - I won't compulsively seek out my drug in defiance of those boundaries and dailies as I have in the past. To the lab of life.

Since it all came out with my wife the only thing I've changed is I go to bed early and wake up early. And things have been going well. Had one late night and I bounced back with a good nights sleep the next day. The reason I was thinking about all this last night is because I feel so sane right now (not now. I mean last night and generally lately. right now I feel crazy (no sleep) that's why I'm writing all this). I have been reading the scriptures more both personally and with my wife but historically if I'm not mistaken that has never really served to eb the compulsion. Basically I've changed one thing. Sleep.

So I'm going to keep a sleep and slip log.

Today, bad sleep. Feeling ify. Feeling vulnerable. Sobriety/salvation feels like a gamble. Not like last night before I fell asleep."
posted at 07:00:59 on February 24, 2011 by They Speak
..    
"Felt good at work during the day. On the way home felt the tug. I guess triggered by old exits. Really tiered. Felt kind of like that feeling that even though I'm not acting out I could at any second or be overwhelmed at any second. Did feel good I could turn to my sponsor and God and knew I had resources. Want to drink too. Also motivated by a better life though. Able to kind of focus on that. Life spent in nature. Sky diving. Guitar. Rock climbing. School. Snowboarding. Share in these thing with the wife. Fun with wife. Good communication with wife. Openness with wife. Seems like focusing on what I want has helped lately. Other day felt obsessive and was able to surrender it by coupling my surrender with telling God what I want rather then just what I don't want.

Sorry guys I can't find the make private button so you don't have to waist time reading all this"
posted at 23:54:51 on February 24, 2011 by They Speak
This is good!    
"Thank you for sharing and being honest. Not that you are not always honest. I love hearing the honest process of healing. That the road is ruff and just because it is ruff does not mean you are lost!

Sleep! So dang important for all, I know if I do not make a conscious effort to get in bed earlier than what my mind is telling me, then my days are harder, more susceptible to my addiction. Co-addict behaviors, and the enticing of the dark side.

I love how you are using the healing energy of love! Letting it flow through you!

So Speak, "open your heart! Let it show you what it knows. Learn to trust what you know. You are wiser than you think!". Melody Beattie"
posted at 11:01:56 on February 25, 2011 by Hero
Oh!    
"Maybe find a new way home from work! Avoid those exists. Explore new territory and put yourself on equal ground. Choose your path."
posted at 11:10:12 on February 25, 2011 by Hero
Sleep    
"Sleep is such an important thing with recovery. I know it makes a big difference for me too. I hope things keep going well for you."
posted at 00:40:11 on February 26, 2011 by dstanley


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006