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I have to let it out....
By Teddy
2/21/2011 8:44:43 AM
Hey guys i just always write stuff about how everything is going bad.Now thankfully things are going better but i feel like this would help me let it out.OK....

Well i mean it all started about 4 or 3 years ago when i became a addict at the time i was in middle school i was a 6th grader.At my middle school i had a few friends i was never popular at never wanted to be i thought those guys were lame and would change for other people me i wouldn't.Anyways i was a chubby had a lot of baby fat but wasn't all that fat i would talk to my friends go to class.All my life i had a bully i mean there wasn't many i wasn't someone who would get bullied everyday every minute,just a few times someone would say things.I would go to my house and use that as in an excuse to fall after that i did it quite often it's like i couldn't control it,the worst part i wouldn't feel better.I remember asking myself "why god?" which sometimes i still struggle today the good part of today is deep down i know it's not his fault.

I moved in the end of the sixth grade to a lower class neighborhood it wasn't the projects you know shooting everyday but it wasn't beveryhills either.I went to a school with uniform,i rode the bus and on my first day i already made friends but i was shy.I remember a time when two girls were teasing me and the teacher told them to say sorry that killed me.I fell more hating more stuff and finding any excuse to blame god.In 7th grade i met a church member who was just like me he would cuss and use foul language just like me.I remember once he and another boy wrote a paper teasing me then handed it to me i felt like crying but i knew i couldn't it make it worse.In 8th grade i hanged out with more bad guys you know the guys who didn't care and did bad no matter what and everybody looked lat them like they were the coolest and i wanted to be cool.I liked this one girl and i was teased in front of her and that made me angry so for all i know i probably fell.Sometimes i would get teased about my weight i would never eat lunch in front of everybody,and was mad about my weight although i'm not that fat.I never thought that i was ugly i mean i didn't think i was the hottest guy either but a boy would always call me ugly and i knew he was joking but it hurt me.

Now i'm in 9th grade i feel better about my weight and my looks now i eat lunch everyday and i stopped hanging out with most of those guys and stopped doing most of the bad stuff i use to do i know this one guy good clothes,gets girls,does bad and i always ask why "He never has problems at least i'm trying and he's there doing bad but he's doing better." now i know it doesn't matter i should worry about myself.

theres also this girl in my church i mean beautiful but she has a boyfriend :(.I talk to her sometimes and i like her A LOT.She makes me want to be a better person i'm doing a part of this for her.Sometimes so i wouldn't fall because i'd think about her and it would all be OK. I want to ask her out but i can't she has a boyfriend but i like her i really like her and i know it sounds stupid because i'm young and and all but i don't care i know what i feel .

anyway that was stuff i had to let out,i feel better. :)

Comments:

Nostalgic    
"Wow, I can really relate to what you said about thinking about a girl you have a crush on to keep from falling. I don't know exactly how it works, but there was a nice Adventist girl at my high school that I had the biggest crush on and for some reason every time I was tempted to act out I would think about her and the temptations would leave. Looking back at it, I've never had such an obsessive crush before or after that crush. It must have been a normal part of becoming an adult, but it just seemed unreal to me at the time.

Knowing what I know now about this addiction, I would guess that having a teenage crush would be a great way to stop from acting out because acting out is deeply rooted in negative emotions, and having a crush is surrounded by positive emotions. It's kind of like fighting darkness with light. Unfortunately, those types of crushes fade with time, and sooner or later emotions mature. Hearing you type that just brings about a flood of memories though.

After reading your whole story, it sounds to me like your addiction feeds off of a lack of self confidence. I think most addicts have self confidence issues, especially when it comes to being socially accepted. That's why going to group is so important to the majority of recovering addicts. If you live in a highly populated Mormon area like Utah, Nevada, California, Idaho, or Arizona, then you can probably find a group of young men who are struggling with the same addiction you are struggling with. Your bishop should be able to help you get in contact with such a group if it exists. I think you'll find that being an active member of a support group will help you more than you would expect."
posted at 09:18:14 on February 21, 2011 by ETTE
One more thing,    
"If you live somewhere outside of the above-mentioned states and you cant find a group of Mormon youth who are recovering from this, it's very likely that you would be able to find a group affiliated with some other Christian church. If that's the case, then maybe you should talk with some of the local pastors to find a group like that. I've gone to non-member groups, and I felt like they helped me just as much as the LDS groups."
posted at 09:22:52 on February 21, 2011 by ETTE
Bullying    
"It is too bad that you have been the butt end of bully's jokes. I think a lot of us can empathize. I was teased in school for being in the gifted classes. One of my friends, sophomore year, couldn't take it and took a gun to school and threatened to shoot a bunch of people. He was jailed until he turned 21. Bullying really messes with you. I really feel for you. Thank you for sharing. In Step 4 we write a fearless moral inventory where we write down all these events and how they shaped us. I am glad your are already turning your thoughts there. Self reflection is really good!

I too had crushes growing up. I think that thinking of your crush is only a temporary solution. You need to have a change of heart, not a Band-Aid. I compare crushes to Band-Aids. I am so glad you came here and are looking for help. That shows you realize the need for more than the Band-Aid! The wonderful thing about the 12 step program the church provides is that it is based on absolutely true gospel principles and has the atonement in mind! It is based on AA's program, but it is significant that the latter-day prophets improved upon the good work of AA instead of sending us to AA or some other place. If the ARP isn't available in your area counsel with your Bishop before visiting another group. My brother went to another group and it didn't follow what we know through modern revelation. He is now a registered sex offender, inactive (or worse), and turned against God. I can't lay that all at the feet of his non-LDS group meetings-but it didn't help to have people telling him the gospel was ridiculous (even our good brothers at other Christian churches hold our faith in ridicule). I would just caution you to be careful of where you go.Another example: I work at a prison and the sex-offenders receive a 12 step program that isn't about God, it is about quitting. I haven't seen one have a change of heart in over 5 years. They just learn the right words to say in front of their sex-offender exit panel. Away from the panel they are just as creepy as they want to be.

I'm not trying to scare you. I just want to say that only Christ and you working together can change your heart. You have to give yourself over to the gospel 100%. Cold Turkey is possible, Rugga, Chefdalet and myself all can testify to that. So can the wives of some men who quit Cold Turkey. A change of heart is a wonderful thing!"
posted at 11:41:24 on February 21, 2011 by hubster
:)    
"@ETTE: I read your first blog and its sounds just like what i'm going through.About the socially accepted part i guess your right i mean i'm not a loner nor am i popular and i try hard to fit in where i am and i find i worry alot about my clothes and shoes so maybe i do have some problems.Whenever i do right and don't watch p~rn or m~~~urbate i feel better..and thank you for the info on help group i have feeling i'll be put in one when i confess it's for the better.

@HUBSTER: sorry to hear about your friend.I would feel more comfortable going to a LDS group.Thank you for your words.

Thank you all for your words i'm glad to know most of you guys were like me and can know what i'm going through."
posted at 14:07:37 on February 21, 2011 by Teddy


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981