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A Little Bit Closer to Understanding Addicts
By heartfelt
2/20/2011 8:09:56 PM
Today was a good day at church for me. It was the first time since I’ve been in the church that the issue of pornography and other addicts were addressed in sacrament. I really needed to hear everything that was said. One of the speakers said that we don’t choose to be addicts, and that no one wants to be an addict it just happens with that first glance at pornography. Oh how I wish I had this knowledge and an open heart to truly understand it when I was still engaged. I started out with such a supportive attitude when I was with my ex but I quickly became a part of why he would act out. We have decided to stop all communications with each other and even though neither of us were able to stay worthy to get married in the Temple I loved the conversations we had.

Our relationship was built on deep, beautiful conversations and the physical came along a short while after. It’s weird but when I look back on our relationship all the bad that occurred surrounded his addiction and our disobedience to the law of chastity. Today in church I realized how much he has struggled all his life to overcome his addiction and how he tried so hard to always be honest with me. He was and still is an amazing person. I finally realized today that I cannot ever fully understand what it is like to be an addict and I cannot fully relate to it. I can only imagine what it is like to have my agency hindered and even then I cannot fully comprehend. Waking up each day and having the same temptation in your face is out of this world. Saying no to it 500 times in one day and then finally giving in, must be heart breaking. I never understood the struggle, he tried explaining it to me but I didn’t get it, I thought I did but looking back I just didn’t understand. Now I understand but just a little.

He is an angel for trying and never quitting. So many of you addicts on this site are amazing. Yes you fall and yes its hard but your trying, you really are and that says a lot. Today my heart ached in sacrament I wanted to call my ex so bad to tell him that I am proud of his efforts and that I’m sorry I didn’t understand him as much as I should have, but I wanted to finally respect the boundaries we set for each other so i didn't call.

Its crazy when I think about the fact that he was honest with me about his addiction the first week that we dated. Oh how we were different. Who would have thought that more than a year later we would have both lost our temple recommends, get engaged, and have the engagement broken off. I feel like I could easily say that he ruined my life or I ruined his. And trust me I’ve been through that phase but he didn’t ruin my life. We made stupid mistakes, over and over again because breaking the law of chastity was “our” addiction somehow. I loved him more than I can explain but I wasn’t able to really show him by keeping the commandments and listening to the promptings of the spirit. In that sense I understand a little about the addiction. It doesn't matter how much you love the person, you somehow just get blinded. I Oh how I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be blinded and i would have been better able to show my love for him.

I just can’t believe how much I felt the spirit today while hearing about addictions. Maybe this is the Lord’s way of trying to help me heal. Trying to let me grow, become better, understand my imperfections and be aware of the imperfects others and still have Christ like love.

I have been reading a lot of the church articles about dating and marriage and how to decide who to marry, how to let go of a partner, etc. I’ve been feeling more at peace but at the same time my heart is breaking at what could have been, if we had only listened to the Lord. But like my mom says "if the Lord wants something to happen it will, if He wants something to be it will be."

Anyways, the bottom line is, for the first time ever I truly accept that I really do not know exactly how they feel and I cannot judge them because I have no idea what it’s like to be in there shoes. i can try to understand but I accept that i will not have a complete understanding of their struggles. I have a new found respect for the addicts who are trying to overcome their addiction. I’m proud of them even when they fall, I am proud because no one is perfect but as long as they keep trying who am I to undermine their efforts.

Comments:

THe Lord's Hand    
"God is generous and always looking to bless us and deepen our understanding. I am glad you had a great day at church! I know that going to church has taken on a new dimension for me since I have sobered up. I am sorry that you got dragged into this world. I am glad you can see the Lord's hand in your life! Have a great day!"
posted at 22:52:15 on February 20, 2011 by hubster
feel lonely    
"hubster i did have a great day.

I don’t know what else to do. my roommate is out and I just feel alone and empty. I’ve been reading various talks and scriptures but a part of me is gone. Church was awesome, I had game night with a bunch of people from my ward, it was a blast and then I had ward prayer, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex. What else can I do to get over him? I don’t want to cry anymore and I know that he is most likely doing good without me. But is it sad that I still love him? Is it wrong that a part of me wants to still have a future with him? I want us to be together again but better people, but I think that’s wishful thinking right? I was being hit on tonight by a guy from my ward but I hated it, well maybe because he’s weird but also because I’m still in love with someone else. I’ve been trying to notice the cute guys in the ward, my roommate and I started talking about guys a lot since my engagement was off but tonight I had enough. I told her that I didn’t think any of those guys were handsome but in reality they are but, I don’t want those guys. I don’t care if my ex is an addict I love him and I feel bad for loving him still. I want to talk to him so bad. I just don’t know anymore."
posted at 23:04:08 on February 20, 2011 by heartfelt
Not Sad    
"It's hard to comment too much on your relationship with your ex without knowing all of the details. It's not sad that you still love him. I don't know how long you've been apart, but it can take a while to get over someone. I don't know if it's wishful thinking or not. That depends on what the two of you are doing to work on yourselves, and if he still has any interest. Don't feel bad for loving an addict. I wouldn't rule out being married to an addict if he's sober. It wasn't the addictions that were the main factors in my divorces. The big question is can the two of you be a couple and be obedient to the gospel. If not, it's probably not a good idea to be together. If so, then you have to look at the rest of the relationship and decide just like with anyone else. I don't think you should base your decision entirely on the addiction, especially since there's no guarantee that you might not marry someone who says they aren't when they are. I also don't know what kind of agreement you made with him when you broke things off. Pray about it. Don't write him off just because he's an addict. There are worse things than being married to an addict. Have you ever thought of seeing a counselor? Maybe one that has experience with addiction. I feel for you. You're in a tough situation. I'm glad that church was good and that they actually talked about addiction in a way that was helpful. I wish addiction was talked about more and that it was more acceptable to admit being an addict."
posted at 01:27:51 on February 21, 2011 by dstanley
Dstanley    
"I was obviously having a hard time. When I replayed after hubster. I decided to watch a movie and my roommate came back home which was good but I still felt a lone. Dstanley thank you so very much for commenting, I needed it. I am still up trying to feel better. Your comment has helped some. I don’t think my ex is still interested and I’m fine with that, I just want to find peace and move on, It’s so hard. I am reading the scriptures and studying the words of the leaders like I have never done before. I feel like spiritually I’m growing. I’m showing the Lord and myself that I can do it. The process is just hard and I broke down.

But to be honest I did break off the engagement because his addiction became too much for me to handle. I was in a good place, our relationship was getting better, he was having sobriety I hand so much hope and with one phone call from him telling me that he fell hard and explaining to me what happened my world came crashing down. I didn’t understand, it wasn’t just a slip it was big and I panicked called off the engagement, then we tried to make it work for another week but I couldn’t let what he did go, my heart was breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it. I thought if he really loved me he would be sober, if he really loved me he wouldn’t have fallen but today I realized that it isn’t about how much an addict loves someone or care for them its about them, the addiction, and the Lord. I didn’t get that before and I wish I didn’t understand that now because I’m regretting letting this guy go based only on his addiction. Our relationship wasn’t perfect but he was a good person, I can’t say the same for me. I didn’t forgive easily, I didn’t fully understand his primary love language until about two weeks ago. So as he quoted to me, I was unable to full his love tank on a consistent basis. Its crazy that after its all said and done i’m just making the progress that could have helped our relationship.

Dstanley thanks for telling me its not sad to still be in love with him and that I shouldn’t feel bad for loving an addict. But I’m not sure if the two of us could ever be a couple and be obedient to the gospel, at least not right now, we both need to get our priorities in line and work on our spiritual growth. I have thought about seeing a counselor but not right now. I don’t have the money for that and I know the church helps but even then I still couldn’t make up the difference.

Wow I wrote a lot. But I’m feeling better, thank you so much Dstanly maybe now I can go to bed. "
posted at 02:27:26 on February 21, 2011 by heartfelt
Don't feel too bad    
"Don't feel too bad about breaking the engagement. You did what you thought was best at the time. I hope you're doing better.

D"
posted at 00:15:32 on February 23, 2011 by dstanley


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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006