By jdean88
2/16/2011 6:54:46 PM
Fell again, back to day 1. I thought I was making more progress and would resist. I feel like I am so out of control...what is wrong that makes me keep turning back to mb? It just seems so hard after 8-9 days...I can't imagine a full month... I need a wakeup call.


"You keep turning back because you're an addict. I find that the first 2 weeks are the hardest. That's when the withdrawal symptoms are the worst. Keep working on the spiritual things, going to meetings, and working the steps. You can do this. Don't think about making it a month, or even 10 days. Just worry about the current day. Try to learn from other people's wakeup calls. I'm an example of how things can escalate if your addiction goes unchecked. You can do this. Pray for the strength and help that you need to do this."
posted at 00:56:15 on February 17, 2011 by dstanley
what do I tell my wife?    
"I talk about recovery, all that I'm doing, my plan. Try and let her know that I really want to change and then I have to tell her that I messed up and MBed. I feel so discouraged like I just can't do it while we are separated. Then when we are together again, I wonder if I really can resist b/c then I will be sexually active again. I feel like getting depressed, last time it was disappointment in our marriage...this time it's disappointment in myself, like I don't deserve all the blessings in my life. How can I pray twice a day, read the scriptures and still want to do those things? Aagghh. I don't know what to do."
posted at 02:46:38 on February 17, 2011 by jdean88
you are doing great    
"I just want to give you a word of encouragement. You can do this. Don't rely on willpower, it is powerless and worthless. It is like the natural man thing and can't be trusted. When we have this difficult of a thing, we must turn to Christ. He has all power and can help us. I am praying for you. You can be strong, but only with Christ.

On another note, I am still trying to cling to the similar belief that you have, but I am slowly coming to the realization that masturbation has nothing to do with sex. I have been sexually active in a marriage for 23 years, and there are times when we have sex really often, but that doesn't seem to matter with my ingrained habit. Masturbation is a learned way of receiving comfort for stress and worry. It is a false comfort, because the effects are as temporary as a joint of pot, or a beer, or a hit of heroin. It has a very powerful immediate effect, true, but in order for me to quit, I must come to actually believe that it is not an acceptable behavior; that it is a selfish act and it constitutes a display of rebellion to my Heavenly Father. That's why Satan hangs around so close when I am obsessing about it. That is why Satan, who wants me to have no free agency, tempts me to do this thing. It wouldn't be a temptation if it didn't feel good. Orgasm is the very most powerful emotional feeling in human existence, but God designed it to only be used in His ordained way. When I jerk off, I am saying to God, "pooh on you!" I will do this MY WAY. I am being a jerk, thus the slang term. Each time after I do this, as you also do, I judge myself, and whenever I judge, I find myself guilty, and feel a powerful compulsion to inflict punishment on myself.

The heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved;” and we are left alone “to kick against the pricks . . . and to fight against God.”

The miracle of all this is Jesus doesn't condemn me. His love doesn't change for me or vary with each act I do. His love is constant, and it is infinite. As Elder Kearon stated in October priesthood session:

"The invitation given to the Nephites, when He ministered to them as the resurrected Christ, is still in force for you and for me: 'Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them.'"

You and I are afflicted brother. I am on day 10 of no MB, and the temptation is growing each minute. If I am honest with myself, I know that it does not matter if I am with my wife or away, if we have sexual intimacy or not, this thing is bigger than me. You and I must come to the Savior, "so that He may heal us.""
posted at 10:10:18 on February 17, 2011 by lawrence
Be Honest    
"I think you have to be honest with your wife. Waiting to tell her will only make it worse (at least that's how I felt as a wife).

I agree with Lawrence that having sex with your wife won't solve your addiction.

Don't beat yourself up. God still loves you. You made mistakes, but you're still a good person. You can pray and read scriptures and still want to do things because you're an addict. Just keep praying and studying scriptures and working the steps. You'll get there."
posted at 00:24:08 on February 18, 2011 by dstanley
Such great wisdom here....    
"MB is satan's counterfeit for true intimacy with your spouse. Your marriage will not cure your addiction. I talked to one couple who had a 24 hour rule. If the husband confessed his slip to the wife within 24hours, there was forgiveness and understanding from the wife. If he hesitated, and missed the window, all bets were off. Don't "white knuckle" through the tough spots. While prayer and scriptures are great medicine, you will need to immerse yourself in recovery to make progress. Work the steps, find some good books, and free podcasts. There is much of good info out there. Don't be afraid to tell your story, and ask for help from those you trust.
You must belive that there is hope. I am 479 days sober and life is great. The first 90 days were pure hell. Every day was touch and go with my relationship with my wife, my spirituality...everything. One of the most satisfying parts of recovery is discovering true intimacy. Women crave it...we as men don't get it. We've been married for almost 26 years. The first 25 as an we talk, we laugh, we love.....and it's REAL! You guys can do this! Believe that there is HOPE!"
posted at 13:37:23 on February 18, 2011 by chefdalet
Such great wisdom here....    
"MB is satan's counterfeit for true intimacy with your spouse. Your marriage will not cure your addiction. I talked to one couple who had a 24 hour rule. If the husband confessed his slip to the wife within 24hours, there was forgiveness and understanding from the wife. If he hesitated, and missed the window, all bets were off. Don't "white knuckle" through the tough spots. While prayer and scriptures are great medicine, you will need to immerse yourself in recovery to make progress. Work the steps, find some good books, and free podcasts. There is much of good info out there. Don't be afraid to tell your story, and ask for help from those you trust.
You must belive that there is hope. I am 479 days sober and life is great. The first 90 days were pure hell. Every day was touch and go with my relationship with my wife, my spirituality...everything. One of the most satisfying parts of recovery is discovering true intimacy. Women crave it...we as men don't get it. We've been married for almost 26 years. The first 25 as an we talk, we laugh, we love.....and it's REAL! You guys can do this! Believe that there is HOPE!"
posted at 13:54:25 on February 18, 2011 by chefdalet
The reason why...    
"The honest truth is that I just hurt inside. I largely dissappointed in my marriage. My wife dated consistently in college. She was not active until after college. . She always talked about how she worked so hard to stay in shape at that time. I feel like because I am committed my wife doesn't take our relationship as serious. The guys she dated in college, were not committed and so they could walk away. She recognizes that she has 'let herself' go and she doesn't communicate with me how she feels. It's been about 3 years and she's still overweight and has not made efforts improve her communication. I've read all kinds of relationship books and continue to get in better physical shape than when we married. Overall, I just feel insecure in our relationship, almost stuck sometimes. Like I'm making all this effort, alone. We've tried planning dates to spend more 'fun' time together and get some intimacy back in our marriage...Once she forgot and the other time she was taking a nap and I woke her up w/ a phone call. She says she feels horrible about these things and it is important to her. I just don't know anymore. I feel selfish sometimes but it's just the way I feel. If she loved me more, she wouldn't overeat, she would study communication and actually remember to show up on our dates. 2.5 months ago I started to MB by chatting online. I knew it was wrong...but it provided some relief to this loneliness. I still feel lonely. I wish our relationship was better. I wish I felt like she cared more aobut our relationship. Everytime I see how overweight she is or I get frustrated w/ our communication, I feel like MBing. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, even if I stop MB, I'm stuck in a marriage w/ a wife that is depressed and overweight. How do I overcome that? I can't, I have no control over it."
posted at 08:55:50 on February 19, 2011 by Anonymous
I"m sorry    
"my mistakes are not my wife's, I recognize that. I just am venting...I still have some bitterness inside and I get the attitude, my wife had her fun, why can't I?...I told her that I day after it happened...just don't feel very good today."
posted at 09:04:28 on February 19, 2011 by Anonymous
I"m sorry    
"my mistakes are not my wife's, I recognize that. I just am venting...I still have some bitterness inside and I get the attitude, my wife had her fun, why can't I?...I told her that I day after it happened...just don't feel very good today."
posted at 09:38:31 on February 19, 2011 by Anonymous
"From Step 3 the 2nd Action Step:

Decide to trust and obey God; change what you
can change; accept what you cannot change
These words—adapted from a prayer by Reinhold
Niebuhr and known as the “Serenity Prayer”—can help
you as you decide to trust and obey God, “God, grant
me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to
know the difference.”
You can accept with serenity the current reality of
your condition when you trust in God’s ability to help
you. You can accept with serenity that although you
cannot control the choices and actions of others, you
can decide how you will act in each situation you face.
You can decide with courage to trust your Father in
Heaven and act according to His will. You can turn your
will and life over to His care. You can decide to do what
He asks and to keep His commandments.
You may not be able to change some things in your
life, but you can change your willingness to trust in
God and obey Him. As you learn to trust Him, you will
see that His plan is for you to follow what Alma called
the “great plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8). You will
learn that even in affliction and difficulty “all things
work together for good to them that love God”
(Romans 8:28) and keep His commandments (see
also D&C 90:24; 98:3; 100:15; 105:40).
Me again.
Don't give yourself an out, even when you are tempted to feel justified. You knew what your wife had done when you married her. My wife was depressed by who I was before she even knew I was an addict. Maybe your wife is struggling to even like you. My wife struggled to even like me as anything other than a friend (she still does). Follow the advice of the action step and the serenity prayer. Take care of what is wrong that you can control! Each small decision you make shapes your character and personality. For as long as you mb, have cybers`x or do any of the rest you are hurting your personality and the chances of your wife liking you.

As to her weight. Get real man. Women and men gain weight. Have you seen President Monson? He isn't exactly a body builder and I would hazard the guess that his wife still loves him. What of your wife's personality? Focus on the things that you love about her! We are addicts. That means our marriages are one thought away from divorce. Don't be the one to have that thought. Focus on who you are...see your wife how God sees her. God's scales show character-not weight!"
posted at 14:50:49 on February 19, 2011 by hubster
love yourself less and your wife more    
"Have you had any children? Since I reached 25 years old I have had a hard time controlling my weight. I mean the body changed, if you are lucky and exercicing comes easely to you. I hate it so much, I was always always the last picked on to play sports. And I have always hated it!!! And you know what, after my husband revealed his addiction, I got on that trademill, convinced it was my weight. And I lost a bunch, a bunch of weight. After multiple childbirth, my body was still not the same thou. But after seing a therapist, etc.. we both realised, that my weight was not the issue, it was just A SELFISH EXCUSE MY HUSBAND USED TO CONTINUE ON his addiction! The more you look at those women, the more you are missing out on who she really is. One day, you are going to realize what you have been doing and you will be very sorry, just like my husband. He sits and hopes I love him like before and it is hard for me, he finally appreciates me and sees me for the beautiful person I am. He no longer is that extremely superficial person the addiction made him into and is filled with regrets. Concentrate on being clean. There is no way, you can see, and love and appreciate your wife properly with that crap in your life. Get rid of it before you completely destroy your marriage with your selfish attitude. One more point, you are cheating on her constantly WHILE MARRIED, how can you tell her she has a beam in her own eyes from before marriage. it does not make sense. I do not want to be too harsh with you, but if you were my brother and this was going on in your life, this is what I would tell you. Repent, focus on your recovery. You are litterally focusing so much on the little beam on your wife side, you are missing the huge pole in yours. That is what I get from what you have shared here. Go, get working and serious on your recovery and STOP FOcusing on the small things. She has so much more to forgive you than you have to forgive her. I say this in love.
I know how it is focusing on someone's faults, I could not really recover (from the pain & anger his addiction brought in my life). I saw his faults and believe me (they were huge, cheating albeit virtual, lying, neglect, selfishness, meaness, etc...) and just could not concentrate on my recovery. Progress is absolutely impossible when we focus on someone's else faults, and it is SAtan's strategy. What you are seing as reality is not the real true, you are not seing things in your life for what they really are, your vision is DISTORTED by your addiction. Get help and let him change your heart. Your life will never really be better until that's happen. The key to our happiness rarely lies in someone's else's changing rather in our own changing.
Good luck Jdean"
posted at 16:00:45 on February 19, 2011 by Anonymous
One more thing    
"You are responsible to meet your own needs in healthy ways. You feel lonely and you have a need for intimacy so big, and I think that need can only be sufficiently at least to start up with, be filled by our Saviour. It is unfair, to ask a human being to be perfect so they can fill our needs. The hole in your heart will only be filled by the Saviour, do not put that burden on your wife and turn to porn when she can not be perfect. You are far from perfect yourself, go to ARP and to your bishop and do what is right and will lead you to your SAvior. You have a good and tender wife, appreciate her and accept her for who she is like you would want to be accepted with your faults and all."
posted at 16:08:10 on February 19, 2011 by Anonymous
"I'm sorry to have vented and brought up my wife's past. I know she has been forgiven for those mistakes and I have to make sure that I've let it go. It was wrong for me to bring it up again. Not being overweight and living a healthy lifestyle has been important to me my entire life. If it means that I am shallow, so be it, but I disagree. I will not be comparing my wife being overweight to Pres. Monson at 84 years old. It's still important to me and we talked about it, seriously before we got married. We made specific commitments before we got married about this. She says that it is important to her and yet, she just isn't committed to working on it. She commits to me verbally over and over, but then she refuses to actually spend 30 minutes a day working on it. She told me last night to let me know how she was doing b/c she asked me to check on her progress once a week to help her. It was disappointing to hear that she barely worked out twice a week for the last month. Sometimes for just 15 minutes. She says that she just gets depressed and doesn't do anything all day except take care of the kids. She says she just shuts down. I don't know what to do. On the other side she also thinks it is important to improve our relationship, as do I. Part of that is both of going through the recovery steps/manuals. I found out she really hasn't done that either. She's looked at it once or twice. I refuse to use this as an excuse to act out, but when I am working recovery, reading scriptures, praying, going to recovery meetings, reading my recovery manual and I find out she is not doing any of the things that she tells me are so important to her...I just feel disheartened. She says she loves me and she is so thankful that I've never hidden anything from her, but just like I felt in our relationship before I started MBing, she says a lot, but doesn't follow through. I've got 60 days of doing the things I mentioned above...Just have to keep doing my daily mentioned above. I can only control what I can control which is myself. I just hope that I can let go of the frustration and anger that I've had over the last year and a half and eventually, I used as an excuse in December to fall into the hole I am digging out of. I realize she has to make a choice to recovery and work through her feelings, just like I made the bad choice to fall into MB. Today, I can only more forward and make my choice to change. Is it always gonna be this hard?"
posted at 05:12:24 on February 21, 2011 by jdean88
"Try taking care of your kids for a week, meeting all their demands day and night and see if you have time to work out (much less 24-7 while you are deployed). Its not like she is cheating on you brother. You are cheating on her. Get real. She may have promised to work out not understanding the true demands of motherhood, but you promised to never cheat on her. She can have a temple recommend no matter how fat she could possibly get. It is like Hitler telling the Jews they can choose to be happy under the circumstances."
posted at 07:42:15 on February 21, 2011 by hubster
This hard?    
"Hm. As long as you base your "love" for your wife on her looks and your ability to lust after her, yes it will be this hard.

For years I was overly critical of my wife, saying such stupidities as you should wear your makeup when I am home, put on better clothes when I am around, and my wife's favorite: I've seen prettier. Brother, every time I see my beautiful Katie it takes my breath away. I was the idiot. I am sure your wife's beauty will bloom as you leave lust behind and embrace love."
posted at 07:55:06 on February 21, 2011 by hubster
"Please rethink your perspective:

You are controlling that poor wife of yours and you do not even realize how harsh it is. You are the one making her feel worthless, and like someone here mentioned, she will soon turn around, see you for who you really are and your marriage is over. The Lord will not let his daughters suffer indefinitely to please our eyes.

What in the world justifies that she must come to you and report her progress with physical attractiveness? What are you thinking?

No daughter of God deserves such a thing.

This in my opinion is emotional abuse and exercising unrighteous dominion in your home. Hey it is my take on it but there is no love there and you like me have no idea what true love is. You are destroying her soul and I tell you what else you are doing:

You are holding her back from reaching her potential. You do not want to do that Brother you just don't. Right now she is in denial because you have battered her self confidence into a pulp but the day she regains her identity, you will have a mountain to climb. You see if she is like my wife and any other daughter of God, a scary thing called anger is building deep inside even though she is not aware of this but it is. Soon she will give up trying to please you and become indifferent to your demands and seek understanding elsewhere with friends or family. You will be stuck in your fantasy world and her spirit will be lifted by her Heavenly Father. She will have to deal with her feelings of anger towards you and that will be ugly.

So get over the swimsuit vision of your wife and start appreciating her and all she does before it is too late.

Kind advice from someone who has seen angers ugly hand"
posted at 08:32:07 on February 21, 2011 by ruggaexpat
From President Hinckley:    
""I have long felt that the greatest factor in a happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. In most cases selfishness is the leading factor that causes argument, separation, divorce, and broken hearts.

Brethren, the Lord expects something better of us. He expects something better than is to be found in the world. Never forget that it was you who selected your companion. It was you who felt that there was no one else in all the world quite like her. It was you who wished to have her forever. But in too many cases the image of the temple experience fades. A lustful desire may be the cause. Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles.""
posted at 09:59:01 on February 21, 2011 by katie
"I saw it, no worries.
We are all giving opinions here so take mine with a pinch of salt"
posted at 10:10:31 on February 21, 2011 by ruggaexpat
You can not impose on someone else    
"your own personnal standard of how you want to look. Even, if she told you she too wanted to stay fit, she can have understimated the taks and biology. Women's bodies are so different from men's and not only that is comes in all shapes. It is so unfair to tell someone else, especially someone you are suppose to love above anyone one else that they need to conform to your own personal standard. First, it might be biologicallly extremely hard for her. I am not an overweight women, I am actually a skinny women and my husband, 10 years ago liked them skinny, but now with the porn he likes them voluptuous??? Should I get painful surgery to conform to my husband's addiction? your obssession with her weight is linked to porn. Quit it, really quit it and you wil stop obssessing so much. And I have read in a study by Dr Wies that around 82% of women in relationship with an addict overeat. She probably overeat because of the pain you are inflicting on her. Please stop concentrating on your wife. I did not want to have anything to do with my husband when he revealed his porn addiction to me. I finally let him stay under the conditions of absolutely no porn in my house. And I will not go to any meetings and did not want to work on any recovery for many months!!!!!And even after, I woked at it when I felt like it, and he would have been expulsed from my house, had he put pressure on me like you are putting on her. Really be grateful for her tender heart towards you. What makes you think in the eyes of your God that you desearve a better wife? In the eyes of your FAther in HEaven, your wife is wonderful and everything she should be and not perfect, and you are probably far , far behind her. I think you probably in my honest opinion do not desearve her. Do you honestly think that with a toned wife you will quit porn??? I am usually considered an attractive woman, thin and fashionable at my hours, wherever I can easely be one of the most attractive in the world's eyes woman, did that stop him from looking???? No, he looked at even uglier women than me. Most of those porn stars and entertainment stars are so ugly to me. There is no substance to them, their beauty is ugly, if that makes sense, it is devoid of what is really beautiful, which is purity, kindness, faith, character. That kind of beauty can only be appreciated by a real man. Mother Theresa is a million times more beautiful than any of those ugly porn stars you look at. Beauty comes from within and a women's beauty shines when she has an appreciative husband, commited, faithful and kind. You should not impose on her or check on what she is doing unless you are the perfect kind, helpfull, loyal, faithfull husband she desearve. And if you were those things, you would not even think about imposing anything on her. Now, I am being brutally honest. I do not want to bash you but... what you are doing is hurting her and your children so much. You are being unreasonnable and harsh and almost abusive.
My husband had promised to be faithfull and helpful to me, do you think he meant it?? We all make promises we break, love her and accept her unconditionnally . Go see a counselor, change your heart, before it is too late and you loose your family. Underneath, all that harshness towards your wife, there is a man who can love unconditionnally, who loves the Lord more than anything and who wants to be like his Saviour. You are just being deceived by your addiction (by the way it takes a year and more of sobriety for your brain to really heal, 80 days is not enough), you need to work on yourself for a year or two before you impose or require any kind of changes from your wife. My honest, brutal opinion but in the hope that us who are not in the situation are seing things that you can not see right now as you are still blinded, and that you can trust us. Satan is using this to break your marriage up and break your sobriety. He knows, if he has you focus on her, you will never progress and eventually divorce and you might loose your soul and that there will be so much, so much pain and suffering for your little children. They just want you to love their mother as she is as they love her and you."
posted at 10:43:31 on February 21, 2011 by Anonymous
"This seems to be getting way too personal. Guys seriously. Ette yes everyone has a right to their opinion but seriously read over what you posted, do you truly believe that it’s okay for J to be cheating on his wife because she didn’t keep her promise to stay in shape. He didn’t keep his promise to be honest and faithful. So what if he’s serving the country I don’t care that’s no excuse. His actions are unacceptable.

But hubster you really have no temptation, that seems odd. I don’t know if its because your wife is on this site but, seriously addicts always have some sort of temptation to act out. Even it you don’t act on it I don’t believe you have no temptation, if you really don’t good for you but I’m not sure that’s true.

Ette don’t talk about someone’s intimacy life in that way. Seriously grow up, your being childish, now stop. This site is suppose to be where we get support not break each other down okay. I like it here but this is too much."
posted at 15:35:02 on February 21, 2011 by Anonymous
Truce ETTE?    
"I am so sorry I went down that road with you."
posted at 16:27:47 on February 21, 2011 by hubster
On having no temptation.    
"It does seem to good to be true, but it isn't! I believe that it is miraculous that I have no temptation. One of the LDS ARP missionaries said the other day that you have to choose to be tempted. I believe her. I also believe that Christ make our weaknesses areas of strength. The ARP manual says that we can be restored to spiritual health. I realize if that I ever put myself purposely into temptations way that all bets are off and I will come crashing down. But, I believe that as long as I am keeping my end of things God will continue to bless me in this way. I don't think that we have to say the atonement is only partway and that we can't be completely healed. I have meet former smokers who feel no desire to smoke. I don't see why I have to accept being tempted the rest of my life because some therapist somewhere did a study.

But this could all be semantics. I believe temptations are out there. I just choose to not be tempted with the aide of God. Thanks to Him I have no desire to act out or even thoughts about acting out that I have to reject.

I was talking about this with Katie the other day. When we say that Christ was tempted in all things we aren't saying that he was ever sitting next to a naked woman and feeling the desire to do something immoral but abstaining. But that doesn't mean women didn't throw themselves at him. He just wasn't tempted-he felt no desire or impulse to go ahead and do those things. I believe he can loan us His strength if that makes sense.

BTW, anonymous, thanks for knocking some sense into us. :) While I have no temptation in chastity issues, that has yet to extend to cyber-bullying. Sorry I subjected everyone to that."
posted at 16:49:54 on February 21, 2011 by hubster
"I understand what you are saying. While I know the temptations are all around us, I too choose Christ and it just makes it easier. I always remember where I have come from, how hard the journey has been to get where I am today because if I get lazy, take my eyes off the savior, I am there for the devils picking.

It is all about agency, I choose Christ so no need to fear anything. It is getting darker around us all the time but miraculously I see more light, amazing light so bright. Hope is restored, despair is gone. That is the beauty of Christs doctrine, therein lies power.

Must still be watchful unto prayer. After all that is the counsel of our magnificent Redeemer of Isreal"
posted at 21:42:39 on February 21, 2011 by ruggaexpat
"Is a healthy life style important enough to you that you'll let it destroy the both of you? What if she never changes?

If I could be so bold as to hypothesize. Personally I don't think you really give a shit about your wifes weight/broken commitment to do Jane Fonda's work out at least twice a day. I'd bet ten to one your co-dependence is a symptom of your insecurity over your relationship and your self esteem. You need to look inside yourself and find out what's really going on (cause I doubt its her weight). You need to trust your wife."
posted at 03:01:55 on February 22, 2011 by They Speak
"Disagree Hub. I think Christ in actuality had desire and impulse. His will (desires impulses - "let this cup pass from me") was swallowed up in the Fathers but not non existent. Maybe that is just semantics. But personally I feel much closer to my God when I find myself tempted knowing he's felt what I feel and not just vicariously though the atonement. Man Jesus is awesome!"
posted at 03:05:08 on February 22, 2011 by They Speak
"Not sure how to respond to all these statements, I've obviously brought up a sensitive issue. First, I realize that many of us have challenging situations, to include myself, and it's always going to be impossible to understand in an forum post. My post was a vent at things that frustrate me sometimes. I appreciate the responses.

First, I think I need to clarify what I said above & a little history. I have not been even asking my wife how she is doing exercise or otherwise. I told her that it is up to her and I need to focus on my recovery so that I overcome any kind of sexual addiction that I have. She told me she wanted to work towards improving things and she recognizes that poor communication and being overweight have contributed to our stagnant marriage. Not the cause, but it contributed. ( I agreed, however, worse by far have been my sins. Is this even a debate?) For two months we have not discussed exercise or losing weight, my wife then asked me, yes, she asked follow up w/ her weekly on how she was doing because she thought it would help her meet some of her goals, (yes, she set her own goals). (I'm embarrassed to say that I have expressed to her that I'm unhappy that she is overweight at times in a critical way in the past, however, when she set her goals, I told her that she should do it for herself. Some of that criticism came out in the post above) I'm not sure where someone got that I was requiring her to report her progress to me. This was her idea. My wife does love massages and I promised her that everyday she worked out I would give her a back massage for up to an hour per week. Maybe I need a year to even discuss weight or exercise w/ my wife. I don't the time I thought it would help her motivation which she struggles w/ sometimes.

There is a part of me that is sick and I'm embarrassed that since November I have become addicted to MB and p~rn in various forms. I realize that if I look at that trash, I lust and I want my wife to be a size 4 like when we that I can lust after her. I know that this is an unhealthy, wrong and unrealistic. However, there has to be a way to care about living an active lifestyle and not be a sick SOB that just wants to fulfill lustful desires. Fitness has always been important to me through my whole life. It's part of who I am and it will always be important to me. I know I used our 'stagnant marriage' and other things as an excuse to act out in the past. I don't really think that is a valid excuse for anything that makes you unworthy of going to the temple. I also am under no impression that if my wife was 'toned' then I wouldn't have fallen into the hole that I'm trying to dig out of.

They Speak - your words really struck a chord and I really think you may be right. I could do w/o the "commitment to workout twice a day/Jane fonda" sarcastic comment ;), but ok...I need a wakeup. That's how I opened this post. I am listening. I've got to ponder this some more, but I recognize that the root is my own insecurity and self esteem. Part of it is broken trust on my part, so, strangely, I distrust her. I know she needs my unconditional love, especially now. I just need to learn how to give it. I need to make sure that she knows I will love her even if she just stays the same. I know this will take time. I don't want to be dishonest w/ her either, but my criticism and pride is the biggest problem. I hope in time the Lord will heal my heart and mind so that I have the ability to love unconditionally... I groan at the man that I am.

PS- Ette, guess I missed your comment. I hate to think that I caused this'argument'. I hope all is better."
posted at 07:31:16 on February 22, 2011 by jdean88
Just one more quick thought.    
"No worthy person deserves someone that breaks covenants and dabbles in sexual sin no matter the degree. Absolutely agree. Do any wives ever deserve something like that? Absolutely not."
posted at 07:42:18 on February 22, 2011 by jdean88
As a single mom....    
"I'm not surprised this is something she struggles with. It's hard (not impossible) to work out when you are a mother, especially depending on their ages. It also kind of sounds like she may be depressed. If she is, there may be things (counseling and medicine) that could help. If she wants help to keep her goals, that's great. I'd just want to make sure she doesn't think that being thinner would fix your addiction."
posted at 00:46:53 on February 23, 2011 by dstanley

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988