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Something new has clicked
By lawrence
2/14/2011 11:13:14 AM
I am seven days clean today.

I don't understand it, except it is God's grace. For the past two and a half months, I have been having what I have been calling slips or mini-slips. I realize now what denial really is. I was in full relapse, just telling myself each time by rationalization or intellectualization that I didn't mean to, or wasn't intending to, or that it "just happened", or that the clever thing I just did wasn't technically mb, or at least it wasn't how I used to do it before I began my recovery.

There is no telling whether I have stopped for good, only I know that, and I'm not sure I have access right now to that part of me that knows it. I honestly feel that I am fully back on the road to complete spiritual health. I have felt lately that I'm not making these decisions, that there is a little guy inside my head "tricking me" into acting out. I believe Satan is real, and he is a master of deception, but this little guy I'm talking about isn't the devil, it is a part of me. If you were to have me take a lie detector test 30 seconds before I A/O, I think it would show my honestly in not having any intent.

Last night in group, our missionary made a statement of such great profundity, the deep impact of it still has my soul reeling. I wrote it down in all caps, put stars around it, underlined it and circled it. This is part of a new, amazing spiritual awakening in me:

****************************************
ALL SLIPS ARE PREMEDITATED.

****************************************

God has given me access to a new part of myself; He has given me control over something that I used to just let run rampant. Just as President Boyd K. Packer taught: “Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide”

I think I may have just regained the power to decide. I think by Joe I may have it back. I am truly sober now. My life seems, at this moment, in perfect balance.

All of us are always only one step away from full relapse, of course, but there is power in this feeling I have. I feel God working in me.

I love you all.

Still living one day (hour, minute) at a time,

L

Comments:

HOW TRUE    
"To paraphrase/change a quote:

Sow a thougtht; reap an action.
Sow an action; reap a habit.
Sow a habit; reap your character.
Sow your character; reap your destiny.



CONGRATULATIONS on your days sober, keep on going forward!"
posted at 11:28:04 on February 14, 2011 by Anonymous
I love those 2 quotes guys    
"The thought to destiny is one of my all time favs. In fact it is the essence of my new found life and self mastery.

L I know that feeling intimately and I am living it now it is true freedom.
Yes all sin and all denial (maintaining sinful state) is 100% premeditated.
Now you know the truth about yourself. It was the same process for me. Denial is a dangerous state of mind and yes great to not blame Satan. He has plenty to do with the porn positioning but we decide to buy into it or not.

Agency is our greatest weapon, it is a gift that can make you and I a GOD. Think about that man it is serious business. How we use it determines our destiny. Denial as you have also realized is a choice, it is the easy way out but leads to damnation.

I love this gospel and the power to choose."
posted at 13:22:16 on February 14, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Good Lawrence!    
"OK everyone has a quote: Here is mine for the weekend.

Insanity is doing ( or thinking ) the same thing and expecting a different result!
Einstein

Way to break through your insanity L."
posted at 14:48:43 on February 14, 2011 by Hero
I like it too    
"I think the thing we seem to think as addicts is that premeditated means hours or days. 29 seconds of planning is premeditated. Shows how little it can take to slip. Letting our guard down the slightest can be the difference between sobriety and relapse. I've told myself those same things you've mentioned. I know now that if I'm that concerned about rather something is technically a slip or not it probably is. Isn't that feeling of sobriety great. I love it. Enjoy it.
D"
posted at 18:46:02 on February 14, 2011 by dstanley
Many days    
"I really think all slips are premeditated by many days, even weeks. It is a part of our brain we don't have access to, but that little guy in there is determined to go back to the pit. It starts not even by thoughts of it, just subtle "harmless" behaviors. What it boils down to is the disconnect between the frontal cortex and the limbic system. It is the part of our brain we depend on for survival, but in an addict, it is hijacked and needs to be rewired by 12-step recovery and other methods."
posted at 10:30:28 on February 15, 2011 by lawrence
15 days clean    
"Not that I'm counting."
posted at 10:31:14 on February 22, 2011 by lawrence
Congrats!!    
":)"
posted at 00:47:49 on February 23, 2011 by dstanley
Fantastic!    
"I'm glad to know that you are progressing so valiantly towards recovery. It is important to remember that we must actively use all of the energy that we have been blessed with (yes, I put blessed) in a way of resisting upcoming temptations. We must always think about where and how Satan will attack us next--he is always planning a way of influencing us to fall again. There are many psychological ways to explain it as all human beings seek satisfaction in different ways as centered in the limbic system. Our addictive mind will in a way subconsciously place us in situations to act out--for example, staying on the computer late at night or being alone with negative thoughts, telling ourselves that we will not even consider doing anything inappropriate, but not realizing that we will eventually give in as there seems to be no way to escape at that point. Hopefully this is more coherent for you to read as this is my last post before I go to sleep. I'm reading a great book right now that you might be interested in--"He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ" by Donald L. Hinton. I borrowed it from a friend, and although I do not read it as often as I should...well, it was written by a very intelligent brother who has studied the psychological aspects of addictions for a long time and explains how to successfully recover while using the 12-step program."
posted at 01:38:41 on February 24, 2011 by aurelius89
three weeks    
"Three weeks, no mb. Last week I started playing with fire and walking close to the line. The closer you are to the line, the blurrier it is until you have clearly crossed. Luckily, I had an open, honest (an painful) talk with my sweet wife. She loves me almost like Heavenly Father does, which is sometimes annoying. She just lets me make the mistakes, and work it all out by myself. She will not play the rescuer, and during the moment I hate it, but in retrospect, I always see God's hand in her actions and attitudes. Also luckily, when the evil spirits started tormenting me all night long so I was getting zero sleep, I asked for a priesthood blessing, and now I am at total peace. This recovery thing is amazingly cyclic, but each time I go through the cycle, if I keep on the armor of God and keep my eye single to His glory, I fall or slip either less and less or else less severe each time. I am 3 weeks sober, my bottom line being no mb. When I change my bottom line to no Lust, I'd say I am a day or so sober. It all starts in the mind. thanks for letting me just blabber; it is so very therapeutic."
posted at 11:14:08 on February 28, 2011 by lawrence
Good on ya!    
"Nice work, Loren. Way to keep at it. You're so right about it being cyclic. Make it through the downward temptations and soon you're on the upswing. Guess it'll be that way for a while as our bodies and spirits heal. :)
See ya tomorrow night at ARSG!"
posted at 00:06:27 on March 1, 2011 by JustMe
Good Job!    
"Way to go. Getting close to the line is dangerous. I've been skirting the gray area a bit too, but I'm getting better at staying far away again. Keep up the good work."
posted at 00:13:56 on March 1, 2011 by dstanley
Sorry    
"John, I have gone into step II of LifeStar, and it is on Tuesday nights. I will be going to the Sunday night PASG group in Syracuse. Tell everyone hi from me at group. Let them know I'm not giving up! I just won't be there for a while."
posted at 13:28:52 on March 1, 2011 by lawrence


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988