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Another post
By Another_Dad
2/11/2011 3:55:22 AM
This is not the kind of post I like to write. I have slipped and turned to old habits. I feel so out of it because I have betrayed myself, my family and Heavenly Father. My shifts have changed at work and I an doing the 1pm-9pm shift. This has isolated me even more and I am in my own little world. My spiritual side has taken a nose dive and when I do things it is for appearance only. I am doing a lot of things without the spirit which I need to fix.

I know all I need to do is take responsibility for my thoughts, deeds ans actions but there i n is the problem. My personal prayers have been meaningless because I am not praying with real intent. Heavenly Father is asking/prompting me to give up a favourite past time of my and I can not seem to let go. I feel at times I am mindlessly going about my daily life unfocused and bewildered. I go out of my way to remind myself of my worthlessness. Somewhere deep inside I know Heavenly Father loves me and this is all happening because I will not submit my will to His.

Comments:

life sucks    
"The worst is when we bring the misery upon ourselves. Sin will always bring misery. If we stop forgetting that we might find some happiness, but you've got to want it for yourself. Start by letting someone know around you of your struggles and look to them for support."
posted at 04:08:35 on February 11, 2011 by Anonymous
You're Not Worthless!!!    
"Slipping doesn't make you worthless. It may make you not worthy of things in a church sense, but you are always precious to God. God loves you! We love you! You're not where you want to be right now, but you're still a good person. Take some time to look at where things are and why, then figure out what you need to do to get them back where you want them to be. Write yourself a plan that you can look at to remind yourself. It's not easy, but you can do it. You can get back to where you want and need to be. Hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself. Beating yourself up too much just brings more shame and depression which is likely to bring more acting out. You made a mistake(s), pick yourself up and try again."
posted at 11:59:28 on February 11, 2011 by dstanley
Shattered    
"Thank you for your support and encouragement. I am trying to do something to get back on track, again. I have made an appointment with a LDS counselor, I have hired a personal LDS personal trainer so I can get more energy. I let Bishop know I needed to see him. I wrote my wife a letter asking for forgiveness.

Shattered - The response I got was very unexpected. "This is not a really good time for me right now to deal with this...I am mildly depressed myself. At the moment I couldn't care less. Frankly I am quite happy to sell the house and go our separate ways." Married 24 yrs in the temple, two kids still at home.

I have written to my wife to say I love you and we should not give up etc. I told here there are things that need to be resolved and worked on. I am giving her some breathing space before I approach her again. I'm feeling lost and unsure...... "
posted at 01:14:01 on February 17, 2011 by Another_Dad
Good Steps    
"It sounds like you are making good steps. Sorry about things with your wife. I pray that things get better."
posted at 01:16:50 on February 17, 2011 by dstanley
Better Days    
"After a very uneasy day and restless sleep my wife greeted me this morning when I woke up "I'm sorry I made you feel (surprised & scared) that way. We can sit down tomorrow and work through all our issues". Boo Ya! Heavenly Father answers prayers and I needed to hear what my wife said and how she said it. Why? It gave me a reality check scary as it was.

Since then I have started to feel the hope again. Bishop replied to my email and said he will see me on Sunday. I am praying the the Lord will bless us to draw closer together from all this. Oh by the way I was informed this week that Another_Mum and I are going to be grand parents! While I still feel shaky on my feel I have a more positive view.

I have know idea how it's going to go with Bishop I have seen him so much in the past twelve months. All I know is that when I leave his office I will agree with the outcome.

My wife and I pray together for us and the children before we go to bed each day, most days; and have family scripture study even if I am not there. I have started reading the Book of Mormon here and there. I have always felt as Moroni "and I will not deny the Christ" even in the depths of my darkness. It's the depression and self loathing that gets me...

WELL ENOUGH OF THAT: I AM A GOOD PERSON! and God does not make junk.

I feel good, I feel great, I am positive.
I feel good, I feel great, I am positive.
I feel good, I feel great, I am positive.
I feel good, I feel great, I am positive.
I feel good, I feel great, I am positive.
I feel good, I feel great, I am positive."
posted at 03:38:47 on February 18, 2011 by Another_Dad
i dont share your optimizium    
"I share some of your thoughts + feelings. I think I am worthless. I'm exd + divorced. I don't even have a spouse like many of you folks do. I don't have loving parents. We haven't spoke in 4 years. I never talk to my siblings. I live alone + rarely get out. I have tried to make friends, but ppl are busy + also have bailed on me in the past.

I haven't had steady work in 3 years. My check acct is -150 right now. I have no money + no food. I go hungry a lot. I am behind in child support too.

The lord doesn't answer my prayers. For awhile I was praying that he should kill me. Cause I don't want to live anymore. I have failed my kids. I've become a loser. I'm not optimistic about the future. The world is falling apart.

I don't deserve to be happy. I messed up my kids life + my x hates my guts. I was over there the other night + she was being a jerk, I almost killed myself on wednesday.

If I'm so special + worth it, the lord has a weird way to show it. I don't feel special. Iam junk. I have no self confidence + have lost jobs because of my mental issues + incompetence. I gave up. Its not worth it. Nothings worked. I've tried the 12 steps. I've tried praying. I've tried postive self talk. I've tried reaching out. I ve tried helping people. I've tried structure. I've tried priesthood blessings. It doesnt get easier, its gotten worse. The strength of the lord is fake , the lord doesn't care. He's a zillion miles away. After all I was exiled to the same planet satan was...-wt"
posted at 09:52:31 on February 18, 2011 by Anonymous
Warren,    
"Some of us here love you! That is something."
posted at 10:34:34 on February 18, 2011 by Anonymous
To WT    
"You identified your main problem right there in the third line of your final paragraph. You gave up.

It's not that priesthood blessings, the 12 steps, helping others, reaching out, prayer and reading scriptures don't work. They do. I know that because every single one has worked for me. It's that you've given up. A lifeguard can't save someone who is intent on drowning.

What you're really saying is that it's gotten too hard for you. You don't want to keep trying because it takes effort. You've mentioned suicide. This is the ultimate form of giving up. The problem with that is it doesn't make your problems go away, it renders them permanent. This is the time and the life to make things straight.

Think of it this way: you say you're a loser, you've messed up too badly, there's no hope for you, etc. We all know that those thoughts come from Satan. Now, if all those things were really true, why would Satan spend so much time trying to convince you they were true? Wouldn't he just leave you alone because he knows he has you?

He doesn't have you yet, and that's why he's trying to convince you there's no hope.

You still have your future. God judges us on the direction we're heading, not on where we've been. The commenter above is right. You have us too. We're pulling for you, even if you think no one else is."
posted at 10:55:57 on February 18, 2011 by iwillnot
WT    
"WT,


IWN has said everything better than I could have.

I know what it is like to be despised, feel worthless and good for nothing.

I have had little meaningful work too - But I did not work as hard as others so I did not deserve success
I have lost my wifes love - But that is a consequence of my sins
My kids have been affected - Again a consequence
I am not loaded with friends – Many have proved unreliable - But so have I
My bank acc has been at 0 for a long time - I suck at money management - getting mauch better and disciplined
Were it not for food storage who knows - Thanks to the wife again

I second that you are not alone.
We all have experienced the dreaded “loser syndrome”
If ever there was a biggest loser it was me – I mean that when I think about all the stupid things I did.

It sucks but it is only a “mind set”
Please try again and again and again…
I have accepted that my life is going to be hard no matter how I think about it.
I will have Satan coming back to tempt me, and I cannot stop that
I am sure he will send me those messages again when life gets tougher
I am not going to tell you what you already know but I will say this:

You cannot get much more lower than you are now with that divine DNA sitting within you.

Look up, cheer up and my final word concerning those who want to make you feel like taking your life:

STUFF THEM!

Their opinions mean nothing of significance in the grand scheme of things."
posted at 14:16:10 on February 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
cant hide from the eye of the [I]nternet    
"@iwillnot...."".Think of it this way: you say you're a loser, you've messed up too badly, there's no hope for you, etc. We all know that those thoughts come from Satan. Now, if all those things were really true, why would Satan spend so much time trying to convince you they were true? Wouldn't he just leave you alone because he knows he has you?""

(answer) they are true. i've lost my marriage, my jobs, self respect, my dreams, friends, family...etc etc....i've lost things, that makes me a loser....on the other hand....if the lord was powerful, wouldn't i hear, oh your great, your good, you can make it, youre worth it, i love you, blah blah blah blah.. ((getting answers through other people isn't going to cut it, hearing other people say it isn't going to cut it.....cause i can hear satans voice.)) .truth is, hes not interested in me, not interesting in having a converstaion with me. not intersted at all....like it says in the d+c, he will come in his own time, and own way.....its a game....its a cloak and dagger thing...its secret...its a riddle....so obiviously he doesn't want to speak with me....

like i have said before, this is like watching my kid falling off his bike, and i dont run to him...not comfort him...just watch....watch as he bleeds, watch as he cries...if this is the godly way, then i am not sure i want a celeastial glory.....why kill myself for that? i wouldnt want any of my children to hurt, and if they did i would run to them

satan is control here, and is getting more powerful. ....in the old testament it says, is any too hard for the lord??? yes...its hearing a voice, and helping out.....he is limited.....i don't believe the scripture in malichi about tithing and how there wont be room enough to recieve the blessings...if that was true the world would be bursting with goodness....its not.

look at all you other men, that struggle and struggle with this problem....where is your help, where is your healing? where is your touching the garment and being healed? where is the healing? it isn't here.....the answers aren't here. its bogus. inserting my name into scripture doesn't only set me up for failure, but just makes it impossible....the lord isn't going to come down and touch my head and here, heres your healing.......he freely gave healing.....the 10 lepars...he still healed and yes only one turned around....he (lord) performed more then whats recorded.


its unfair to say.. or place someone in a position, to say, live for zillioins of years,and have tons of experiences, and then come to earth, for a short period, forget it all, to potenionally mess it all up and never return to a FATHER that some how loves you...to exile you forever....is that love? is that right? just throw your offspring away? if they lived with you before, then to just let it fall where it may? doesnt make sense to me and i dont see how that is a good thing......

this is why i don't comment, cause i am angry, i am hurt....i am alone...i feel like i am in an abyss. so i am sorry. i am angry today, and i dont comment alot, cause i don't want to ruin you good peoples day...some of you have a sweet spirit and have faith and i don't want to pounce on that. you believe it and it works for you...i just haven't found mine, and i hate this evil in me....

....also if you any of you feel like answering this idea id be interested in knowing someone thought.....its a deep question
....if the scripture states in the book of mormon, that the spirit you are the same person when you die, that your spirit doesn't totally change, and lets say you don't over come your porn or mb problem...(or you gain some control)....so when you die, youre still addicted....youre still YOU....the evil is still in you.....so where is the redeption? so, if youre a person that struggles and struggles to over come, and on your death you die, you go to the spirit world, you still have that struggle....so how would being in the bosom of abraham be a good thing? how would you feel welcome there? how would you some how be worthy?

and why wouldnt scripture not talk about this mb? there is no scripture technically forbidding the practice..only in relasion to forication and adultry....you could comment and say theres scirptures about lust, or controling thoughts, but spefically there isn't anything that comments on "abusing yourself...."just abusing yourself with man kind.....and lust would always be about lusting after the flesh or oppisite gender....

also suicide is never mentioned....only says that shall not kill...if that was true we could never go to war, we could not protect ourselves from harm, if a kid ran out in the street and you accidently hit them, that would be murder...

idk...im more messed up then together. i think this will be my last post. i really don't want to shoot out any venom or ruin anyones day. i'll check back to see if someone answered my q's.
cya --wt"
posted at 16:03:33 on February 18, 2011 by Anonymous
I will respond later tonight    
"tonight"
posted at 16:42:24 on February 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
WT    
"I don't know that I have anything to say that will help. You're in a dark place. I feel for you, I really do. I wanted to kill myself at one point, but there were a couple of things that kept me from it. One was that my psychiatrist told me that I would mess my son up (I only had one at the time) and that kids who have parents who commit suicide never fully get over it. The other thing that got me through the worst of it was that my son was looking forward to the ward camp out and sleeping in a Teepee. I knew I had to hang on at least long enough for him to get there. Are you seeing a counselor? Are you on meds? Depression can really mess with your whole view on life. I know it does for me. I'm much better with medications and counseling. I'm a single mom with two kids. It sucks (It has its good points too). I'm the only member in my family. My mom is close by and helps with the kids, but she's not someone I can talk to about my addiction. I just finally got a job after being out of work for 18 months. Good things can happen, but you have to do your part. I don't know why some people are healed faster than others, but I know that we all can be healed. I know God loves you even if you don't feel like it right now. I've struggled some with believing that mb is such a big deal, but I've decided to believe it's wrong because we've been told it's wrong and that it is something I need to quit right or wrong because it is an addiction for me and will lead me back into things that aree spelled out in the scriptures. I don't have an answer for your other questions. I don't always understand all of it either, I just trust that it will all work out somehow and don't worry about it. Hang in there please, and please don't give up. We love you and want the best for you.
D"
posted at 20:32:42 on February 18, 2011 by dstanley
WT    
"I've thought all those thing. When I first posted on here I think I thought I believed some of them. I just decided (still have to decide) to believe what I think is healthy for me. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems clear to me that your understanding of the gospel is pretty unhealthy for you. Is there anyway you can continue to believe as you do, or are saying you do, and start at least feeling emotionally healthy? For example Einstein believed in an inpersonal god unconcerned with the affairs of man yet he was not angry and inbittered by it as you are. On the contrary he was still awe struck and revered devine handy work. Why is that? What's the difference between you and him? Maybe he had the liberty of not worrying himself with the details and your confining yourself to your prospective of scripture/experience? Add variables. Your own. It can change the entire equation. Eff the scriptures for a second if you can't see other possible variables within them. For example what's stopping you from saying "maybe all this is just experience and god is totally cool with it"? What do you have to loss? Or saying "ya know what life is meaningless and horrible. Why live?" And then ask yourself really why live? And then find your own answers because it seems like the scriptural answers are worse for you for the time being. But either way there is reason to live if you want there to be. I don't know. I'm just throwing things out there."
posted at 20:59:28 on February 18, 2011 by They Speak
Wt , I understand a little bit    
"There was a time in my life when my husband revealed his addiction to me that I thought nothing was worth it, God had lied or did not care. Life was a big big joke. How could I have worked so hard for nothing, how could he have let me and my innocent children down??? Why did he not protect us ??? So many whys?? I felt so abandonned___ Alone and miserable. I wanted to die at times. The worse is, I just did not understand where was the promised help?? Was he abandonning me when I was in so much despair??? Where was the spirit?? The saviour?? etc... This went on and on for months but trou it all I carried on going to arp, praying even in anger and in desperation, I carried on going to church, worked my steps even in anger.... And slowly being at the right place, at the right moment, I started letting a little bit of his light pierce the darkness. Little by little the self-pity started to go, until I was able to see things as they really are. Until I was able to quiet the noise that I had allowed in my head so I can hear the still small voice. Today, I was amazed as I return from ARP, the difference from a year ago!! Day and night!!! WT, FAITH IS A CHOICE!!!! He stands at the door and knocks, desperate to help, to love and guide, but only you decide to let him in. You have got to continue doing those good things, going to ARP, going to church, reading the scriptures, learn about the Saviour. He felt the pain too, he felt alone and abandonned, filled with sorrow. But he carried on his mission. He shows us the way even while we are in our misery, it is your choice to do what you know is right without questionning too much and wait for the answers. Deep down you know, that you have not given ARP, the gospel, prayers, scriptures a real chance to operate the miracle. Nothing will happen unless you decide to choose to look to Christ, then I promise he will heal you, he really can and will.
REal healing is possible, We do our best then the Lord does the rest. And addict who did his best, the Lord will carry the rest, thou no one can be saved in their sins, but someone who has repented, the Lord can and will heal. He actually helps as we are repenting, even as we are trying to overcome our weaknesses. Just attending ARP for almost a year has taught me this.
Choose faith, choose Christ. For me I had to choose, either it was all false and I was going to get a divorce and try to find happiness some other way, either, it was true and I was going to try to find out his way out of this mess. I decided that I would trust him and slowly but surely he pulled me out of my despair. Test him, do everything you can, take your sorry bum to ARP and Church, serve, pray, work the steps, be a good dad, test it for a year and see what happens..... MIRACLES in your life!!!! TRust me, I know.
Crushed"
posted at 22:40:11 on February 18, 2011 by Anonymous
WT    
"I invite you to live the gospel as best as you can. I understand that by being "exed" there are things you will not be able to do. While disfellowshipped I could not to certain things. I was surprised at how it wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be when coworkers and friends handed my the sacrament tray and I had to keep passing it along. Once, I had to hush my daughter, "why isn't daddy eating the bread?" "Shh, honey, be reverent." One guy kept asking me to say prayers! Another guy asked everyone with a current temple recommend to stand up! As for suicidal? Yeah, been there too. Heck, actually, the worst time was on the Christmas day after coming clean. Oh, yeah, Satan came for me hard. I couldn't shake the image of myself getting my gun and going outside, so Katie wouldn't have to clean the mess, and ending it all. But, tell you what. I had something to live for. I got on my knees and prayed and asked God in the name of Christ to get rid of the devil.

When I got a blessing from a member of the stake presidency, he "rebuked the evil" that was inside me. Man, all these things point to God's mercy. What was part of why I stayed an addict so long? I was prideful and thought I could kick this on my own and that I didn't need God's help! But when I turned to Him with full purpose, He healed me!

WT, the answer to your scriptural question will not snap you out of this. You have been cut off from the gift of the Holy Ghost. You need to start with the basics-not the details of the gospel. Start where Lamoni and his father started. Is there a God? Do like Alma, Alma the Younger, Corianton, Zeezrom (one of my faves) and so many others. Kneel down and turn to Christ. Let Him solve your problems. You can't think your way out of this! Start with Faith and Repentance. Then can come re-baptism and receiving the HG again. Listen for God's voice through all the voices screaming in your head. See a doctor if there is anything clinical they can do. You are still alive. God is still giving you a chance to repent and enjoy the blessings of the gospel! Excommunication doesn't mean you can't pray, have faith and repent. You will have to work HARD. Harder than you have ever worked in your life. You are worth that hard work. You may have lost everything you hold dear. That is so truly sad. You can feel sad. That is normal. We all feel sad about the hurt we've inflicted on Everyone! Even if no one but God and you see the work you are doing, it is worth it. Again, I invite you to live the gospel as best as you can under your circumstances. Truly make and live the covenants in your heart that were destroyed. Live faithfully to those covenants. The priesthood will then be able to bless you with those ordinances that go with those covenants! Recommit yourself today to the gospel. Build your testimony step by step. The rest will follow."
posted at 15:25:24 on February 19, 2011 by hubster
Not much more can be said here    
"WT - Choose faith as crushed said - That was powerful advice.

I will add - take responsibility and without doubt that is the hardest thing I have been required to do. That does not mean saying yes my fault and then drowning in depression.

It is accepting what has happened our your responsibility and then learning from it and then (you probably won't like this but...)

getting off our lazy backsides and moving on.

At least that is what works for me."
posted at 19:41:11 on February 19, 2011 by ruggaexpat
well speechless    
"well not sure what to say, there is some big points there to consider. i will have to think some more about it. and someone here knows my name, i think i forgot about that.--wt"
posted at 16:41:53 on February 20, 2011 by Anonymous
i did somethinking    
"I never was endowed. I never went to the temple. So me + my former spouse never were sealed. In fact a few years into the marriage, I didn't want to be sealed to her. I didn't like her...like I didn't like her. I got married too young. I was 20...and then my first son came like 14 mos later....so no I didn't knock her up + then get married...just so you know. I don't know if I was ever that convinced about temple things anyway. Like my family I grew up in, was so messed up, + I didn't know if I wanted to be sealed anyways.

Stake president blessings:
I had one of those, but no rebuke or demons were told to leave. In fact it wasn't spiritual at all for me. I felt cold + empty after words. And ever disconnected. I wrote the words down after words + really tried to live write + figure it out. The promises I guess never came to pass, so I didn't figure it out.

I've had other blessings in which things were said that never came to pass, which had nothing to do with me or faith. Like I was to travel somewhere and do something with the job I had, which never came about. I had no power in deciding if I went or not.

Also I was blessed one time to hear angels...that never hapend.

I tried the faith thing, exercise a particle of faith...but what is the exercise? It doesn't specifically say to do? It doesn't say.

I do believe in god, I just don't think he'd be interested in helping me.

Hubbster, Idk my desire is just gone.
really I'm not worth it.
---wt"
posted at 18:43:02 on February 21, 2011 by Anonymous
wt    
"I believe you are worth it. I believe that Jesus also died for you, so you could be happy. I choose to believe that by coming to this site you are demonstrating at least that there is some part of you that has a spark of a hope of a hope. Fan the flame of that spark. Fan it with the scriptures, prayer and church attendance. It can grow into two sparks an then spread through your entire being. It is possible. You are worth it."
posted at 19:28:43 on February 21, 2011 by hubster
You're definitely worth it    
"You are worth it, and you have some desire or you wouldn't come here. You sound depressed, and I totally understand how hard it is to have desire when you're depressed. I would really recommend getting help for the depression. You'll have a hard time getting sober without getting your depression under control.

I'm not the expert, but i think exercising your faith is acting on it. Start slowly and do the basics (prayer, scriptures, attending church).

Hang in there!!!

D"
posted at 00:27:28 on February 23, 2011 by dstanley
Choice    
"WOW - There has been a lot of discussion happening on this thread.

Firstly: I have met with Bishop. My wife and I have discussed everything. I am seeing a counselor next Wednesday. I am struggling but I can see just a glimmer of progress, I think I am finally over the self loathing stage.

Now with what you all have been talking about.... Regardless of where we are in life (and I am so that our friend is in such a dark place) with can always find light. Light and darkness cannot occupy the same space. Let me direct everyone to Moroni chapter 7. Everybody member or non-member has the spirit of Christ to discern right from wrong, good or bad etc. It does not matter if we are in the darkest abyss there is light. It is inside us and we my friends need to earn the right recognise it. The basis off ALL sin is selfishness. Start helping others ans you soon forget about your self. One thing I have learned in misery bread misery. On the other hand happiness bread happiness.

If you are in a dark place it is because you choose to be. All you have to do is change you mind set. And that is what Satan is so desperately tying to hide from you. For example: I am 264.5 pounds overweight. I am 88.2 pounds overweight. I have not been able to lose it and keep it off since my mission. Two weeks ago I just got to the point where I didn't wont to die from a heart attach and I just plain wanted to stop feeling the way I did.

Since then I have lose 6.5 pounds. I start my first session with a personal trainer tomorrow morning. I am happier because it is my decision. My goals are long term. I saw my doctor today and the first thing he said was wow you have lost weight your looking good, and he said it so everyone in the waiting area heard him. I stood up taller straighter and my day has been great. I know I will lose the 88.2 pound but I will do it gradually .

The point I am trying to make is stop feeling sorry for yourself start believing in yourself. Change your environment. If this ticks you off a little or a lot good you have the power in your hands to change. We all care about everyone in here even if we are just writing word. I person may say they do not believe in God, it's not real etc, but there are billions of people around the world in and out of the church that disagree, because we have developed testimonies."
posted at 04:01:27 on February 23, 2011 by Another_Dad


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990