Katie You Can Heal!
By Hero
1/28/2011 6:35:39 PM
This struggle is bigger than you and me. This struggle needs to be given to the Savior. Do you believe? Do you want healing? Then be like the woman who believed so much that all she had to do was to touch the hem of the Savior and she would be healed from all her sufferings. Her faith was so powerful that when she did touch the Savior hem , He asked hiis apostles who had touched him as the multitudes pushed upon him. Her faith jolted even the Savior.

You and I cannot physically touch the Savior, not yet anyway, but we can give him all that needs healing in us, our hearts, our minds, our jealously, our love, our spirits, our souls. I believe this! I know this! I wanted to be healed. I did not like feeling how I felt. I wanted to feel more myself, I wanted my home to have love in it. I wanted my children to see their parents truly feel God given love for each other. I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me and wanted this for me also.

Give it to the Savior, lay all of it at his feet. He will take it, He already has, He is just waiting for you to come to Him. I had to do this many times, because the puss pockets would get infected again. But He was always there and still is when I will allow Him in.

Earnestly seek the Spirit daily. Remember the Spirit does not drive, it leads.

Love to you!


Yes, Hero    
"I don't want to feel this way anymore. It is hard being angry and resentful. But it's hard to let it go. Some days I feel like I can let it go. The next day I am depressed at how my life turned out and then angry that it turned out this way and then depressed about it again. HOW do I give it to the Savior?

Hero, I have read a really good talk that I think you would enjoy about the joys of oneness in marriage. It is too long to post here. Do you have an email address that I could send it to, if you are interested?

Thanks again. I am so glad you are here. I am so glad that you felt like giving up once too. It gives me hope."
posted at 11:24:56 on February 7, 2011 by katie
How to get there?    
"I think part of me is really resisting loving my husband because I feel I cheated myself by marrying him. Since he cheated on me (at the strip club) and broke his covenants, I can get a new husband in the next life. I could marry a dead soldier or dead child who never married. Someone good enough not to cheat. I feel like by trying to love Hubster, I would be choosing the wrong man again, cheating myself out of something better, again. But even if I decided I wanted to love my husband (I know this would be much better for my kids), I don't know if I could. I don't think I can actually fall in love with him. There have been so many years for me to grow in my dislike for him. I disliked him before I knew about his addiction, but I tried to love him. I don't think I can make myself get that back. For years I prayed that I could love him and be attracted to him. It didn't work. I really don't know if it could work now that pervert and cheating can be tacked on to my list of irritations. Hubster's sobriety and even his restored standing in the Church hasn't helped (except to ease my feelings about my children having a decent, or at least less bad father)."
posted at 18:48:25 on February 7, 2011 by katie
Katie, Me too    
"I feel exactly the same , I tried so hard to love him before I knew about this mess and it was not working. And I too dislike him!!!! And now that I know about his addiction, it is even worse.... I wonder, and maybe Hero you can tell us, I wonder maybe it is harder for me because he was an already bad husband (complete neglect mix with emotional manipulation and anger). I wonder, if I had felt like he cared maybe I would have felt differently.. I do not know? Maybe it is a harder road for me, but some addicts seem to be able to still take care of their spouse enough that they want to stay and save the marriage, they seem to always have liked their husbands, which means their husbands must have still been likable. Giving another chance to a man I am not sure will treat me well, never mind the cheating... is difficult for me.
However, I know that recovery is my responsibility, I pray for healing and that the Lord will help me see my husband like he sees him. I want to trust in the Savior and heal, I want to be the woman who has enough faith in the Savior to be healed. Is my healing separate from the marriage? How do I know that I am healing? I feel better, stronger and my anger has gone down a notch but I am not confident and do not feel safe in my marriage to invest emotionally. I do not remember what was said before.. is it normal?"
posted at 19:38:46 on February 7, 2011 by crushed
would this be wrong?    
"I'm not there yet, so it is a moot point. What if a recovered addict husband, now returning to the temple on a weekly basis, maybe called as a missionary in the ARP, fulfilling all of his duties, has a wife still filled with bitterness? Would it be a well-needed slap in the face for her if one were to rebuke her for "hogging" this worthy man for so long and not releasing him to find an eternal companion that is worthy of him? The greater sin. (section 64)"
posted at 09:46:01 on February 8, 2011 by lawrence
"Hey ladies, I can't imagine the heartache and pain you've experienced because of your husbands. I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for all of the the suffering we addicts put you through. My only consolation is in the Atonement of Christ, where I believe you will find yours.

Whether or not you learn to love your husbands again is a completely individual experience, that I can't even pretend to give advice in. However, I would just like to add something I heard in a seminary class years ago regarding forgiveness. Our teacher related a story to us in which he was talking with a young man who was engaged to be married, and his fiance confessed to him that she had messed up and had s%x while he was on his mission. She had confessed to her Bishop, completely repented, and everything was resolved at this point. So the young man was talking to our Seminary teacher about how he could possibly forgive her, and our teacher looked at him and asked him point blank "Well, if the Savior has forgiven her, what right do you have not to?"

Now, whether or not you're able to love and remain with the person who has hurt you is beyond the scope of this. I just wanted to relate the above story so that we remember that in repenting, we too must forgive, and allow the Atonement to work in other people's lives as we want it to work in ours. Beyond that, do whatever is in your heart and feels right. God bless, sisters."
posted at 11:54:20 on February 8, 2011 by JustMe
You got it guys :)    
"In my case, my husband chooses stay. He knows very well that I do not love him. He could leave me and the kids. I stayed for the kids. If he ever feels like I am hogging him and he wants to move on, he is free to do that. He can release himself to go find an eternal companion. Heck, I've even suggested it. I've told him that if he really changes he would probably have better luck at the single's ward with a woman whom he has never cheated on, and because he is different, she will never feel the pain of being cheated on. They'll have a much better foundation to start from. Plus if she's there it's probably because she has divorced some creep. Maybe the repentant missionary wouldn't seem so bad. But so far, the Hubster says it is his life's mission to "win" me again. He is always saying how he won't give up. I don't really trust him because he didn't mean in at a holy alter so I don't trust him to mean it in our kitchen. But time will tell. I'm cautiously waiting to see if the Mr. Nice Guy routine wears off as he gets either discouraged or comfortable that he's got me. But in the meantime, Mr. Nice Guy is sure easier to live with than the Monster I lived with for 9.5 years.

And of course, I have to forgive my husband. I know I'm going to hell if I don't. I know all to well that he can cheat and lie and use me for 10 years, but if he repents it is all erased. If I don't forgive him for cheating and lying and using than the greater sin is on me. He had 10 years to lie and cheat and use, to selfishly have a great time while I held the household together alone. I think I've earned a few years to get over it? Well, that's prideful. Not very humble. But I am not an Ensign Wife or an Angel Wife. :)"
posted at 12:29:13 on February 8, 2011 by katie
I know, Crushed!    
I have often thought I am on a harder road than other women because the love was lost. If the love has always been there, than the lady has a much greater motivation for fixing everything. She may be hurt, but she wants and loves her husband. She doesn't have the extra hurdle of learning love a man you don't trust or haven't even liked.

My husband's sister's husband had an affair. She tried to get him to break it off. When he wouldn't she finally, hesitantly left him with their infant son. She never would file for divorce. Months later, her husband's girlfriend broke up with him. He was sad over her but he took the opportunity to repent. A few months after that the wife and now toddler moved back in. She is soooo happy to back with her husband. She posts on facebook about how perfect her family is and how much fun they have together. I just read it in complete awe, thinking, "How?! How can it be perfect? He cheated on you. He chose his girlfriend over you and your son! After the girlfriend dumps him, he takes you back! He doesn't love you like you love him!" Of course I'm judging here. Maybe her husband is crazy about her and is completely sorry he ever had a girlfriend. But even if he is sorry and in love with her how does she get to "perfect family" so fast?!!! All I can figure is that she always loved him. She always wanted him. She never filed for divorce because she always hoped the girlfriend wouldn't work out and she could go back. She had to forgive him but it was much easier for her because she was and has always been crazy about the guy!"
posted at 12:38:16 on February 8, 2011 by katie
Well, Sisters!! Katie and Crushed    
"Here is what I think..........There had to be something you loved about your men before you married them! Take a minute, think about what attracted you tho them in the first place..hummmm! It may be hard because of your current emotional state, but try hard.

I understand the negative characteristics that your husbands displayed before your discovery or disclosure what ever your situation. These addicted men are not what we signed up for, what we prayed for, what we expect, or deserve. It has been my experience almost all of those negative characteristics stem from or are rooted in his addiction. Some could be family of origin? Through the healing process if ALL aspects of the addiction are addressed you can have a bright and shinny new husband. Better than the one you thought you were getting when you gave yourself to him and he to you. Your husbands like mine are Sons of the living God. His DNA runs in their veins just as it does in yours and mine. We are children of God. We have greatness beyond our mortal understanding running through our Soul. Could there be anything better than one who has been perfected through the blood of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Do I believe this miracle? Yes, I am experiencing it. Was it immediate, No! Did it take commitment and work on both our parts, Yes! Are we finished yet, NO! Do I still suffer, Yes, but much less and less frequently.

How bad do you want it? If you do not want it then stop torturing yourself and your spouse. If you want to love again, if you want to forgive, if you want a celestial marriage while still living in mortality, it is going to take work. That is the Gospel, ACTION. It is not passive, or manipulative.

Recovery for a couple requires two things. First each individual, man and wife, need to be working on their own recovery. Doing all the necessary daily's.
Prayer, morning and night,
Spending time in recovery material and scriptures( at least 15 min.)
calling your support or accountability person daily
attending meetings,( ARP, PASG, PASGS, SA, AA, etc.....)
Prayer again at night

This is the bare minimum required for active recovery for each man and wife. There should also be journaling, regular church attendance (the whole block), temples attendance, fasting......exercise, taking better care of yourselves with proper nutrition, sleep, etc.... individual therapy with one who is certified in sexual addiction.

If the couple is dealing with Intimacy Anorexia or Sexual Anorexia, this effects both the husband or the wife, then this also needs to be addressed. I can testify that if your husband is an Intimacy or Sexual Anorexic, you will not heal, your wounds will be opened daily. This issue HAS to be addressed if the couple is serious about wanting to heal. There has been much posted about this on this blog. You can do some research and find info here, or if you want more I will give it to you.

Then there is the work on the marriage.
Prayer daily morning and night as couple,
sharing feelings daily (there is an exercise for this)
positive affirmations daily with eye contact
agreements on finances, who is responsible....
agreements on sex, frequency, when, how , where, taking turns initiating....always with a light on, eye contact, nurturing conversation.
Weekly dating ( come hell or high water) taking turns on who plans.

Man Recovery, Woman Recovery, Couples Recovery...those are the three legs to the recovery stool. If you do not complete all three and ones is left undone then when you sit down or put any weight on that stool it will topple.

This is what I did and am doing. Are we perfect at it yet? NO. Do we continue to work? Yes.
Is my marriage better than it has EVER been in the 40 years before this happened? ABSOLUTELY!
Do I feel we are closer to a Celestial marriage? Yes, we are, and I am grateful for this opportunity to work on this now and not have to waste time in the eternities because I know what work we do on our eternal salvation while in this mortal state is much easier to accomplish in this life than it will be in the next.

Trust the guidance you SEEK from the Savior and your Heavenly Father and the Holy Spirit."
posted at 13:35:48 on February 8, 2011 by hero
Yes please someone had the gutts to say the hard things and it was not an addict    
"That was refreshing not because me the addict is looking for that but because someone who is taking the high road is calling after those suffering below.

HERO thank you!

Great to know you are here to build us up to give us hope and to share recovery more than misery.

Katie and Crushed I don't now what to say anymore. You guys know my point of view and it has not changed. I just have nothing of worth to tell you and it appears your husbands are in the same dog box so all I can say is I truely hope you find happiness and a way out of the resentment and pain.

I am at a point now where I have accepted certain things, that I am in for the long haul and have to put up with my wife resenting me. We both agree that the Kids need mom and dad together but tha is going to be a watered down version of a marriage. I admit I deserve it and hey hopefully it changes but I am tired of fighting a losing battle.

I am going to piss a whole lot of people off right now but then again its my belief and I am sticking to it:

If we are still active in our addictions, it is because we do not want it enough - and need to find out what the hardest decision is to make and make it - for me it was telling my wife and doing all I could to help her heal. Everything after that was a piece of cake as I showed the savior I was finally ready and willing to do everything - Grace has flowed since.

If you still cannot forgive a husband who destroyed your life through addiction - You do not want it enough and need to make a major all or nothing decision to receive the power to not only forgive but help him heal. It seems through many women's experiences that those who get to this point and are brave enough to get to that point - Find true happiness.


If not at all then don't be surprized with the disappointments.

This life is all about agency and making those major decisions when we put everything on the line. That is true faith in the savior and he expect nothing but nothing less."
posted at 14:17:09 on February 8, 2011 by ruggaexpat
I agree! Rugga!    
"Wanted to share this:

Heavenly Father,

I have never thanked Thee for my thorns. I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear, teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow. I love thee.

This is the essence of our plight.."
posted at 16:05:38 on February 8, 2011 by Hero
I like hogs    
"Bacon comes from hogs. So does ham and pork chops.

If I need someone tell my wife to leave me, my mom will do the job.

Mmm. Bacon. Yum!"
posted at 18:01:54 on February 8, 2011 by hubster
Hero, Rugga, Crushed    
"BTW, you are awesome."
posted at 18:06:43 on February 8, 2011 by hubster
No condemning to Hell!    
"One of my teachers at BYU had to make a rule: "No condemning each other to Hell!" It is up there on the list of funny rules made at BYU. New funny rule I never thought would be needed: "No one wistfully blogging about rebuking my wife or what a needed slap in the face that would be.""
posted at 18:19:09 on February 8, 2011 by hubster
Wow! This is what I need to work on right now!! Thank you for posting that. Not really sure how to have "boundaries", but those stupid walls of mine need to come down or be transformed into something good. I should probably go to meetings more.
Thank you!!
Love, Summer"
posted at 18:20:19 on February 8, 2011 by summer

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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006