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Previous Blog: The story of my wife and I, Part 2
By josh
9/2/2006 12:00:00 AM
(Copied from a previous blog on a different site)

Day 33:

When my wife discovered my addiction, we were faced with choices. Just like when we were engaged and the had the choice of a civil marriage or break up, we now had a different ultimatums. We could ignore it (which is more or less what happened for the first few years of our marriage), or we could confront it. Confronting it really left us two additional choices: change our marriage into an honest, open, Christ-centered marriage, or let this problem destroy our marriage. I don't think we really saw it that way at the time. After years of silence on the matter, my conscience became sufficiently pricked and I approached her and told her I was addicted to pornography. Before this is wasn't an addiction, it was just a very hurtful thing I had done on occasion. It was now out in the open, and it caused a lot of hurt, but it did bring us closer together. However, I still was not at the point where I was willing to do EVERYthing necessary to overcome this addiciton. I wanted to, believe me, but I guess I still had too much pride in my own strength. Eventually we stopped talking about it again, and I slipped back to the addiction. I certainly didn't want to bring it up, and I secretly hoped my wife would not ask me.

I came to the point where I promised myself that when my wife asked me again, I would tell her the truth, but I still wasn't ready to tell her myself. We became very busy with life and began to drift apart somewhat. This brings us to a fateful day about five weeks ago when my wife asked me how I was doing. "Not good," I replied. We talked about it and this time there was more hurt than ever before. I told her that I felt like I needed to attend the LDS addiction recovery support group meetings. The next few days were painful and frustrating for both of us. But this time there was definitely something different. I have been through probably hundreds of "turning points" in my life, but I think I had finally recognized and fully admitted to myself that I couldn't do it on my own. I had finally opened myself up to telling the Lord I was willing to do ANYthing to overcome. I began attending the meetings, having open, honest discussions with my wife, reading my scriptures, and I began to feel a change in me. I began to feel the spirit more strongly than I had in a very long time. During my mission and at other times in my life I have had what I feel are some pretty powerful spiritual experiences, but there is no experience like feeling the spirit with your eternal companion - the same spirit at the same time, together. I cannot begin to descrbe that feeling.

A lot has happened in the last five weeks - some of the most significant events of my life. Outwardly they may not seem significant, but the Lord works from the inside out, and truly I have had some amazing experiences. I could take any one of about 10 experiences in the last few days and write pages on it - it's hard to summarize here. Some things are far too sacred to write about here, but during the next few days I hope to write about some recent events. I never imagined I could love a person as much as I love my wife. I feel like the Lord has truly blessed not just me, not just my wife, but he has blessed our marriage, and our family. Someone once drew a triangle and placed the Lord at the top, the husband on one corner and the wife on the other. As the husband and wife move closer to the Lord, they move closer together. I hope I never forget the sheer joy my wife and I have experienced over the last few days as we have both moved closer to the Lord. I hope we can always openly and honestly talk about deeply personal and spiritual things with each other. Being in such a state of euphoria almost scares me sometimes. How do you maintain this? How do you continue to grow and build on this? How can you top this? Honestly, I don't know. I will just continue to place it in the Lord's hands and continue to rely on Him and keep His commandments. Boy, it sounds so simple. And maybe it is. Maybe it's just a matter of writing it on your heart, and not just in your head. Well, there are experiences I need to write about in my private journal, and sometimes I fear that writing so much here takes me away from times I could be reading my scriptures, the 12 step program, the Ensign, or just sleeping - Heaven knows I don't get enough sleep! To all who may read this (including my future self), I sincerely hope and pray that you too are finding joy on the path of progression. And if you are not, don't be discouraged. The Lord loves you. I know that He does.

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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004