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Moving Mountains
By hubster
1/28/2011 2:52:44 PM
Jacob 4:6 — Wherefore, we search the prophets, and we have many revelations and the spirit of prophecy; and having all these witnesses we obtain a hope, and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea.
I didn't have time yesterday to write on the verse of the day, but I wanted to. So, I made time today. I love this verse in Jacob 4:6. I think it really does apply to our recoveries. It also reminds me of a talk from October 2010's conference, but I'll get there in a minute or two.

I finally decided to repent back in 2009. For 18 years I had tried quitting instead of repenting. There were moments when I was repentant. I was willing to be sent home from my mission when I confessed to my president. He kept me on and tried to help me. Unfortunately the steps were quitting steps instead of repenting steps. So, I slipped back into my lying ways and hid my sins. As a teen I experienced a similar situation. Finally, I found myself at age 31, married to a woman I loved and three children. I found my rage spilling over towards them more and more. I was beginning to see just how out of control I was. I was missing work to catch up on sleep; I was always angry; I was a total mess. I had stopped going to str#p clubs, but I was still engaging in c%ber s~x and reposting p0rn on social networks. How did God get His 2x4 through all that to my head?

I, in all my vain pride, volunteered to teach a lesson on worthiness in priesthood. Therefore, after acting out, I picked up a talk by Elder Richard G. Scott. See: http://lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/temple-worship-the-source-of-strength-and-power-in-times-of-need?lang=eng />His words slammed my soul with the realization that I had no assurance that that I would see the wife I loved and our children after death if I died in my current state! It was as I searched the prophets as Jacob counsels that I received a witness of my unworthiness.

Next, I knew that I must act on my repentant feelings before I chickened out again. So, knowing that God answers prayers I paced the floor getting up the courage to pray aloud for the strength to repent-I prayed silently each night for help to quit (it wasn't going to happen my way). I am ashamed that it took an hour of pacing to get the courage to ask for help that I knew God wouldn't let me back out of. The next night I had a recommend interview at the stake level. I knelt and prayed aloud that no matter what I would have the courage to confess. All through the next day I prayed silently to maintain this repentant spirit. Finally, I got to the interview and told, the bare minimum (honesty still took over a month of work to reach), to the member of the Stake Presidency.

Here, he gave me a blessing that helped me move from witness to hope! He rebuked the evil within me! What hope that line gave me. I can't remember the rest of that blessing; that one line gave me the hope and faith I needed to take the next step. Then he had me kneel and pray for the strength to tell Katie. What a wonderful man; he was teaching me the gospel and strengthening my faith even in my moment of weakness! He was strengthening my faith in prayer and in God's answers! he was moving me towards unshakeable faith! (Of course that is a lifelong process.) That night I acted on that budding faith and told Katie. That was the worst thing in the world. The pain I caused her was so severe it made my want to cease to exist-not die-cease to exist. The pain came out of her in little mews, like a kitten being bludgeoned with a brick. If you are single and not sober-get sober-never do this to a spouse!!!!!

God removed the mountain of my sin. I couldn't do it. God did. In October conference there was a great talk:
http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/faith-the-choice-is-yours?lang=eng Richard C. Edgley said, "When the disciples asked Jesus why they could not cast a devil out as they had just witnessed the Savior do, Jesus answered, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove” (Matthew 17:20). I have never witnessed the removal of an actual mountain. But because of faith I have seen a mountain of doubt and despair removed and replaced with hope and optimism. Because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of pain replaced with peace, hope, and gratitude. Yes, I have seen mountains removed."

Truly, my mountain of sin has been replaced! God did in a moment what I had failed to do for 18 years! I now wait and pray each day for Katie's mountain of doubt, despair and pain to be removed! I wait and pray for the healing and forgiveness in our marriage! When will it happen? I don't know. But, I too have seen mountains removed and so I will work to make myself into someone Katie can love when that mountain is removed. I know God has blessed me enormously through the 12 step AR program. I am so excited that we found this site and that Katie now has the Spouses manual and friends who understand what she is going through. I am sure that just as the AR program was a key to my ongoing recovery that the Spouses manual will be a key in hers! In the few weeks that she has been visiting I have seen a change in her. I have liked the change. I see excitement in her eyes and in her voice as she shares insights with me. I know she has her agency; it is just exciting to see cracks forming in another mountain!

Comments:

Great Testimony    
"Thank you for sharing. Be patient with your Katie. Love her when she is angry, hold her when she weeps, talk to her when she is quiet. Show her by your actions that you are who and what you say you are. When your emotional self reverts back, if it does, quickly acknowledge your error and tell her you are sorry. Talk about her triggers and reassure her. Love her the way the Savior loves his church. His example! Will marriage make us happy? I believe, marriage
teaches how to become more like the Savior, and as we become more like the Savior by following his example we find HAPPINESS, peace, joy, and the greatest love of all."
posted at 16:35:17 on January 28, 2011 by Hero
Your response makes me smile.    
"Hero, I smiled as I read your response. I keep on doing those things! (Well, she doesn't like to let me hold her when she weeps...but I try to offer in a non-pushy way.) I do believe in a bright future! Thanks for the hope offering!"
posted at 18:10:25 on January 28, 2011 by hubster


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981