Previous Blog: The story of my wife and I, Part 1
By josh
9/1/2006 12:00:00 AM
(Copied from a previous blog on a different site)

Day 32:

Between meeting with my bishop two nights ago and some subsequently absolutely amazingly spiritual experiences I had with my wife, I am riding a spiritual high. I cannot even begin to describe what I feel, particularly in regards to my wife. We have grown so much closer, and our connection has been made so much deeper, more meaningful. She is everything to me. It is truly like we are the same person. We share the same thoughts, we feel the same spirit together, we give each other strength and bless each other. I have felt the spirit plenty of times in my life, but there is absolutely no feeling on earth like sharing an experience of feeling the spirit together - the same time, the same spirit, the same feelings. It is truly a sacred experience.

I'll write a little history about my wife and I - I don't know if I ever have done so in any of my journals (I wrote plenty at the time about her, just not so much looking back and recapping our history). We met when we were 16 in high school (she was 17 actually). I still remember the first time I saw her. I remember what she was wearing, how her hair was fixed, how she was standing. It was seminary, and I decided then and there that for some reason I had an instant crush on this girl, and I was bound and determined to find out why. (Note to self: this is a brief history...).

As time passed we began dating and I was completely smitten. She was a senior and I was a junior. We could not stand being away from each other, and when I would drop her off we would stand out in the freezing cold porch and talk and ...ahem...kiss for hours. We were so innocent (perhaps naive is a better word) - we never did anything inappropriate, other than break curfew more than once. Time passed and she graduated and moved on to college. We were still near each other, but it just became awkward - we had two separate lives. We had a very teary mutual breakup as we both recognized it just wasn't working.

From then until I went on my mission there were brief moments where we would get back together, but we pretty much went our separate ways. I went on to serve my mission and we exchanged a few (very few) letters. She wrote to let me know she had become engaged, then wrote to tell me she had broken it off. She became engaged again, and again broke it off. Although we were pretty distant (not just geographically), we still had some heartfelt and touching exchanges in those letters. I'd give anything to have them now.

I had no expectation of seeing her after my mission, so I was quite surprised to see her at my homecoming. There she was - and a myriad of feelings that I hadn't felt in years came rushing back. At this point I didn't know if she was engaged or even married (although I quickly learned she was neither). I remember what she was wearing at that meeting too. I hugged her (the first non-related girl I had hugged since coming home). She invited me to get together with a mutual friend and catch up. We met at our friends house a few days later and talked and talked and talked - our friend eventually got tired and went to bed, and we continued to talk. I drove her home and that night found myself falling in love with her all over again. Truthfully, I had never stopped loving her, it had just become dormant. I know she feels the same way. After my mission things were different. I don't know if I just grew up or matured or what, but neither of us were the innocent adolescents we once were. This is definitely not the place to get into details, but needless to say we had our struggles.

We eventually became engaged and were working with our respective bishops to prepare for the temple. We kept having to push the temple date further and further away. One night my bishop told me that I had reached the point where I had two choices - have a non-temple marriage or break up. He was right, but I didn't want to accept that, mostly because I was worried about what others would feel. I eventually decided that I had to do what was right - I loved here more than anything, and there was no way I was going to give that up. We were married by my bishop. The date was set out of convenience, we skimped on just about everything (pictures, etc), and had no one to really plan everything and tell us all the little mistakes we were making. I have SO many regrets about the way we were married, but not getting married in the temple, ironically, is not one of them. I mean, it is, but what mean is that I am just very grateful that we were honest with ourselves and our bishops and did not have to live with the guilt and consequences of an unworthy temple marriage. I had been disfellowshipped by this point, but we began a very happy life together. We were so in love and so completely happy.

And this really brings me to the what I was thinking when I launched into this history. My wife and I were completely happy, but our marriage was not centered around the gospel, although we were both active, held callings, and attended the temple. It took us quite awhile before we prayed together - doing spiritual things was always a very individual experience for both of us, and frankly, it was a little awkward to do things like that together. We didn't talk deeply about spiritual things, or really share spiritual experiences. We slowly grew more and more into this kind of thing, but it was my addiction to pornography, in a very ironic way, that brought us to a point of change in our marriage.

I want to continue, but it is getting late, this is already a very long entry, and so tomorrow I will continue where I left off.


Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

— Robert D. Hales

"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002