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Lost
By CCB
1/27/2011 11:12:49 PM
Well my husband informed me two weeks ago that he had slipped after going three months without it and usually i am so hurt when i find out and feeling down on myself but i have gotten to the point where i don't feel anything anymore. I don't even want to kiss him and its really hard for me. I want to love my husband but there is nothing there. I am feeling lost. I want to get back what we had but i don't know how. I feel that even if he did completely recover that i would never feel the same about him. I am feeling tired and i really don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though i am living with a roommate and not the person i married. I know he loves me, i just want those feelings back for him too. We do read scriptures and pray together everyday but my emotions aren't budging. I want to feel the fairytale love again. I won't even let my husband touch me anymore. It makes me feel beyond uncomfortable when he does, but then again i feel that if i'm not fulfilling his desires then he will turn to porn again. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Please help.

Comments:

CCB    
"First off, what you do or don't do physically with your husband is not the cause of his sobriety or lack of sobriety. He can be sober without physical intimacy from you. You shouldn't do something you're not comfortable with. I think you can heal and get that feeling back again. Do you have a counselor? It might help to have someone who can help you through this. Hang in there. I believe it can get better."
posted at 01:04:24 on January 28, 2011 by dstanley
Healing you and setting boundaries    
"Everything you said, I have felt. You are normal, very normal. You are tired, exhausted, wonder who you are anymore. All normal.

I remember having s*x with my husband and trying to make it more worldly. I went out of my comfort zone to try to compete with what he was seeing on the computer. This is the reaction of many of us. Again, normal behavior under the circumstances. My actions were based on a big lie. Being with him physically will not stop him. If you think about this deep enough it will make perfect sense. His addiction to po*n is based on something that is not real. You are very real. You think, you feel, you are uniquely you every day! She is whoever he wants her to be. She is only there to fill his needs, his fantasies and weird fetishes. She is there to be used and abused (and she likes it). She looks perfect and never has a bad day. She does not do laundry, care for children, grocery shop, or clean the house. She is the perfect image of the perfect woman in the eyes of the world in every way. She does not age, get fat, or become mentally and/or physically sick from being used and abused. You cannot compete with this, and you will never prevent him from indulging just by having s*x with him.

I don't believe in withholding s*x in order to punish him. I know some wives do that and I believe that is wrong and only adds to the pain the couple is already dealing with. I do believe that if you do not feel safe, or if you are feeling used by him, or sickened by the thought of him touching you, then you have every right to pull back physically. If fact, you should pull back so as to give yourself time and space to heal. Looking back, I found that I damaged myself further by playing the game and trying to fill something that could not be filled. I could not offer what Po*n offered, no matter how hard I tried. I acted out of fear and guilt, which I sense in you. SET BOUNDARIES! I cannot stress that enough. Your boundaries may be different from mine. You must decide what you need to feel safe. Setting limits is something I never knew how to do in the past. I do have boundaries now and feel this has helped me and my husband very much.

We can't predict the future, but I know that if you are both working your steps and staying close to the Lord, everything can be healed. Has promised us time and time again that He can and WILL heal everyone and anyone who turns to him. No one is exempt. You can’t make your husband seek him out, but you can and he will heal you.

It’s okay to say that you don’t want him to touch you in a sexual way. He may be hurt or even angry by this decision, and that is okay. Don't feel guilt or the need to fix him or give him a fix. He must choose his emotions and actions towards you, and you must choose for yourself what you can or cannot do.

It is hard to believe that this is all part of the plan, but it is. I am sorry for your pain. It is a very lonely place to be.

Above all, ask the Lord to help you to give love to your husband. Love is not s*x, it is love. You can show love even while setting limits for yourself. Love always works.

Are you in a 12 step program?, if not you need to be. . I go to meetings for my codependency and I am beginning to understand the Grace the Lord has for me. Work on you and let go of your husband and give him back to the Lord. He sounds like a good man. He will be okay. The Lord will continue to give him more opportunities to change, and hopefully he will follow him. I was at a point where I was numb and empty and had nothing left to give my husband. He has moved forward and changed so much. He is a Godly man now. Not just going through the motions and acting like a Godly man. Our relationship is better than it has ever been. The Lord healed him and I have no doubt that as my husband stays on the path he will continue upward and onward. He used to go through the motions for me. He abstained from po*n and Mast, but he was not healed and would fall again and again, year after year. I didn’t think it was possible. I don’t know why I did not think it could happen for him. Complete healing is promised and I still thought that it only happened to other people. Believe me, I wanted out! And now I can’t imagine life without him. Even with his changes, my boundaries are in place. Again, everyone’s boundaries are their own.

I am healing and changing as well through the Grace of the Lord and you will too. All you have to do is be willing, and he will lead you in everything

Remember His love changes everything. "
posted at 01:29:24 on January 28, 2011 by Anonymous
Well ladies...    
"All I want to add is this new life of mine sucks.
Slip or not I just feel sucky to know that my wife will probably not love me like she did before.
She cannot I know that and that just sucks.

And on that exciting note I am off to my counselor to hear the same old tales.
Lord will this ever change?"
posted at 13:41:34 on January 28, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Love could be better!    
"With our Savior in charge all things are possible. I agree this sucks! I admit that I struggle with these same emotions and mournings for what I THOUGHT my reality was. But I can also testify I am coming to a better understanding of not only who I am and what is really important in the eternal perspective. That our Savior will not only make my husband better than he was or could ever do on his own, He will and has made me better in so many ways than I was before. The refiners fire is hot, sweaty, WORK. The end product worthy of admiration. Be patient with yourself, be patient with your spouse, trust the Lord Omnipotent, only He is able to me us holy."
posted at 16:55:54 on January 28, 2011 by Hero
Me too, CCB    
"I feel uncomfortable when my husband touches me. If I do give in and have s#x with him because of guilt or whatever, then I just feel used and depressed afterward. I can't shake the thought that he would be just as happy or happier to be with a complete stranger. It's just inconvenient that that would take him to Hell. My husband has been sober for 14 months and it doesn't help. I still feel used and uncomfortable when he touches me.

I miss being in love too. I want to feel in love again. I can't stand to see couples in love. I want others to have that and be happy, but it pains me that I will never feel that way again. Why couldn't I be one of the lucky ones that's gets to live life in love? It seems to me that all of life's challenges would be a little less bitter if you can experience them with a beloved partner. I can see my love for husband improving but I can't even imagine feeling in love like that again."
posted at 17:14:39 on January 28, 2011 by katie
Thank Goodness for HERO!    
"Hero, I am so grateful you are on here to give us all hope and love and support! You're the best!"
posted at 17:15:11 on January 28, 2011 by katie
The Refiners Fire! Thanks Katie!    
"REFINER AND PURIFIER OF SILVER
"Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled a group in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of them offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you. Pass this on. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them. And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end."

Alma 5: 14 & 19 14) And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye aspiritually been bborn of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty cchange in your hearts? 19) I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the aimage of God engraven upon your countenances?

Love and Prayers,"
posted at 18:15:59 on January 28, 2011 by Hero
Thanks Hero    
"I really love that story about the silversmith."
posted at 00:50:52 on January 29, 2011 by dstanley
I erased my other comment    
"I regret the things that I wrote, sometimes I get so discouraged…but that is Satan. I will do all in my power to be there for my husband. I love him and that’s why I’m with him."
posted at 15:32:37 on January 30, 2011 by summer
Summer?    
"You have every right to your feelings. One of the big hurdles in the spouses recovery is to stop stuffing our feelings. I find that when I acknowledge my feelings either by expressing them, journaling or talking them out, is so much more productive for my recovery.

I honestly love your comments. I see though your writing that you are one courageous, strong,faithful sister. I take courage in your willingness to forgive, love and have compassion.

We love and pray for you and your family. This process is so hard, like taking an emotional trip through the Grand Canyon. Patience, feel all that you need to feel to heal. Know that you are going to have many recurring emotional setbacks as you heal. I understand to expect this to happen for years. Be as gentle and kind to Yourself as you are to others you love. Allow yourself to reground, breath in all the goodness in life and find joy again."
posted at 17:46:48 on January 30, 2011 by Hero
Summer I think you had made good comments too    
"It helped realised a few things... I feel less lonely in what I am feeling when I read you or others, I feel more normal or at least I think in this situation it is normal to feel as you and I do. For sure, life will never be the same as it was, and I terribly miss feeling safe and secure. Feeling like I am so safe I can totally give of myself. You reminded me not to put too pressure on myself on top of everything else. I know it will take a long time to get use to it. It helps for me to remember that my feelings of security were just an illusion. I have to try to find my security in my Savior's love and my Heavenly Father's love and not in a man. I think that is what is most difficult is feeling so insecure and unsafe. I wonder how others deal with those feelings, Hero, any suggestions on how to feel safe and secure in the relationship again or in life in general??"
posted at 19:05:12 on January 30, 2011 by crushed
I like your comments    
"Summer, I like your comments. You are sweeter than I am to regret them. I don't feel in love. I am not even convinced that I should try to feel in love with my husband. I have been so repulsed by what he has done, I am not anxious to be in love with him. I'm not convinced it's a good idea. And his sobriety and total change in behavior doesn't do much to change me. I guess that's one reason why it's important for me to find healing. I am not okay based on whether or not he is sober. I do miss the good old days when I felt in love (and safe and secure, like Crushed said).

Hero, did you ever not want to be in love with your husband? Maybe mine is the creepiest so it can't be compared?"
posted at 22:08:18 on January 30, 2011 by katie
Creepiest? not!    
"Crushed, I think your question is about trust. Forgiveness and trust are two totally different animals. Forgiveness was a gift from my Savior, I could not do that one on my own, I prayed for it and still do. Our recovery sisters, is a process just like our addicted spouses. Some days are still so hard for me also, puss pockets.....the reality is sometimes so painful, but if I remember to give it back to my Savior the pain subsides. I pray earnestly for my Heart to be healed. I pray to forget, but that has not completely come to pass, but the pain associated with those memories is subsiding. The walls we put up for our protection, is like putting our trust in our own strength and not in our Savior. How do we detach with love, that is what we really have to do.
The following are quotes that are taken from the new ,(not published yet) Family Support Manual.

To detach means learning to let go of thoughts, feelings and actions that are harming us and/or others. We begin to recognize how our persistent negative thought patterns are influencing our emotions and leading us into unhealthy behaviors. .......... Placing boundaries on our thought patterns will allow us to detach from our negative emotions. An effective detachment attitude and behavior is to reject destructive thoughts and let go and let God. Surrender our emotions to God Surrendering to God is giving to Him the hurts and struggles we are experiencing.

PLACING BOUNDARIES ON OUR THOUGHT PATTERNS? Interesting!

Forgiveness brings healing and release to the innermost parts of our soul. President James E. Faust explained: “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves. Most of us need time to work through pain and loss.

FOREGIVENESS IS REDISCOVERING OUR STRENGTHS! Love this one!

“Heavenly Father does not want us to minimize our reactions to life. He asks that we accept what He gives us and then take to Him our feelings and the truth about our lives whatever they may be. If we can go to Him with absolute openness and say, ‘This is what is happening to me right now and this is what I feel, then He can use that openness as a conduit to teach us how to heal, how to repent, and forgive, and how to LOVE.”

Turn our emotions over to God! Even our Love!

I started trying to only think of positive attributes my husband had......good provider, loves children, helps me with my responsibilities, takes care of my car, does the dishes, and laundry, feeds the dogs, is good looking....any thing positive. Striving to feed the right wolf. Do you know that tale?

Trust, comes when His behavior over time starts to rebuild our trust. I also believe that why this sin is ranked, in the Lords eyes next to murder, is because what happens to the spouses spirit is almost as undo able as taking life itself. But with our Savior all things are possible. I have to believe this. No, I know this.....

I also started doing this exercise and it has been very hard yet rewarding:
(name) loves me with their whole heart.
(name) desires and deserves intimacy frome me daily.
My heart is safe with (name).
(name) desires to help me.
(name) is deeply satisfying to me.

You can write your own. Lay down and relax and clear your mind. Do these daily for 90 days,
This can help you balance your perspective and react in more positively toward your spouse.

Love and prayers"
posted at 16:52:55 on January 31, 2011 by Hero
At the risk of being judged    
"Dear Hero, I just have an honest question even if I sound like the bitter and resentful wife that I am. I just want to know, doing everything you counsil feels to me like my husband will be getting away with murder. Getting his cake and eating it too. I just do not honestly want to be involved emotionally with him. I want to forgive so I can heal for myself, for the kids. It is already so much work just to survive, but trying to try to love him again feels like mount Everest to Climb and I just do not feel like it and I just am so out of shape emotionally, physically, exhausted just from surviving etc... and I just feel he does not deserve it all. But, if I stay, there is no other choice, but to work my butt off to try to develop some feelings for him again. I am also worried that he is just biding his time before he goes back to being extremely selfish, lazy, etc... he is waiting until he feels like he has me back . It is so hard for me because it has happened so many times over the years.... So I kind of feel protected by my anger ..I guess
But I know it is a really insane place to be and I do not want to be in this position anymore, I do not have choice if I want my kids to ever be happy, but it feels like having to jump down a cliff and hope that God will catch me this time. Because, I guess I am so scared, I still struggle with this, I do not understand why God did not catch me before, why he let me fall and get hurt. I know things happen for own good, I have to trust the process.. but right now I am still struggling...
I just do not want to be hurt again. Does the Lord not expect me also to protect myself from someone who I know can do horrible things?"
posted at 19:39:09 on January 31, 2011 by crushed
You are right Crushed    
"Just do it for you.. Just do it for you! You do not have to include him in the equation. Take care of you first.

Remember my post name was byourownhero? Why? Because I had to do it for me. I had to be my own hero and not rely on anyone else other than my Savior. Heal, find yourself again.

Here is what the Lord told me: " do not worry about what your husband has done, he will be held accountable . Go, live your own life, have joy. "
posted at 23:09:47 on January 31, 2011 by Hero


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

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General Conference October 2006