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Honest thoughts, but probably not a popular blog.
By paul
1/7/2011 2:16:57 PM
Today is the day I told myself I would talk to my wife. I haven't been sleeping all week, hardly eating, and feeling very sick to my stomach. I can't believe how hard this is. I can't believe that I put myself in this mess.

I know that discovery is harder on wives than confession. I am bringing this up to her of my own free will, but it still won't exactly be a confession. She has found traces of internet history years ago, twice. I lied both times. Just months before the first discovery she told me she supported her friend's decision to leave her husband over pornography. I panicked and made myself a liar and a coward. Even if there were a way to overcome addiction without revealing yourself to your spouse, I have to come clean about my lying. There is no way around it.

I have read so many threads and posts from our dear wives. To them, this is adultery, the same as actually having sex with another woman. I can understand why they see it that way. I understand why it hurts so badly, and I make no excuses for myself. I am not trying to minimize my mistakes, but I need to know exactly how I feel about what I have done. I need to be honest with everyone, and that starts with me. So here its, my honest feeling.

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Bill has just lost his job and is out of work. He has a wife and three small children at home; one of the children is at the point of malnutrition. As Bill walks home thinking of what he can do to provide his family with much needed food he passes by a house where the milkman has just left four quarts of milk on the porch. It’s early in the morning and no lights are on, also the streets are clear of pedestrians. Bill thinks, “That family has all the food they need. I’m sure if I were to knock on the door and ask for a bottle of milk they would give it to me, and my children are so hungry!” So he walks up to the porch, puts one of the bottles inside his jacket and continues homeward. That man is a thief!

A second man in exactly the same position comes along. His rationalization is the same, but he thinks, “What if one of the neighbors is looking through his window? He could see me and turn me in. Maybe I’d better not take anything.” He is prevented from the act of stealing only by the fear of getting caught. That man is also a thief!

A third man comes along in the same position as the other two. He rationalizes on how the milk could save his children from starving, but knowing that it is wrong to steal he resists the temptation and goes on home. That man is no thief. He suffers the temptation to steal but overcomes it.

A fourth man comes along in the same position as the other three. He sees the milk on the porch, the flowers along the walk, and the neatly trimmed lawn. But the thought of possibly absconding with a bottle of milk never enters his mind. That man is a pure righteous man, suffering what life brings to him and worthy of the blessings of God.

The idea of entertaining lecherous thoughts and wondering how far you can go and still be in some way acceptable puts you in the same category as the adulterer of which the Savior spoke in Matthew 5:27-28—
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

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I am obviously not the fourth man, I do not consider myself to be pure or righteous. I do believe I am the third man in terms of adultery. lds.org defines adultery as "...sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse". I have never looked at pornography wondering if I'd ever get the chance to actually be with someone else. That is not me. I do not want to be with someone else. I have never looked and wondered if I could get away with it. I've never wanted to do it. Even with all of the doubt and confusion my addiction has given me, I KNOW that much about myself. That being the case, I am not an adulterer. I do not say that I am not an adulterer because I only looked. I say I am not an adulterer because that is not in my heart. I know it, and I know that God knows it.

I am however, a recovering pornography addict. This addiction, regardless of any definitions that might be applied, with all of its lies and hypocrisy causes severe problems to us, our spirits, our minds, and destroys our relationships with our families. It must be put away, and must be repented of.

I am seeking a change of heart. I want to be the man who not only isn't an adulterer, but one who doesn't entertain any degree of sexuality for anyone but my own wife, and that includes myself and internet pictures. I want to be honest. I want to be clean. I want to be sincere. I want to be free. I want to be righteous.

My wife and family deserve someone who is better than I have been. I want to be the man they deserve. I love my wife, with all of my heart. It kills me to know the pain I have caused her, it will likely destroy me if I lose her, at least, it feels like it will. But I have made so much progress over the past year. I know that with my Savior on my side, I can be who they need me to be.

If that is who I want to be, then I must exercise a particle of faith and take the first step. I will let that desire work in me, and I will confess my lies and mistakes to my beautiful, innocent wife. I hope and pray that she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I pray that she will be able to turn her pain over to the Lord, and I pray that she can be healed from the wounds I have inflicted upon her. I pray that I do not lose her in the process.

Comments:

Follow the Spirit    
"One problem with comparing ourselves to fictitious stories is that we will always fail. The third man was tempted and then he made the right choice simply because he knew it was wrong. Isn't that the point of this life? We will ALL be tempted.

Jesus fasted for forty days and nights in the desert. During this time, the devil appeared to Jesus and tempted him. Jesus having refused each temptation, the devil departed and angels came and brought nourishment to Jesus.

I'm sure when the third man made the right choice, he was then greatly blessed by the spirit just like Jesus was blessed after he refused the temptations of the devil. Once we make the right choice, we immediately receive the blessings of making the right choice. Being tempted is not a sin. I know that someday we may not even, in the slightest, entertain the thought of sinning, however, we will still be tempted. The important thing is to refuse, as soon as the thought enters into your head, dismiss it and move on.

I agree that actually interc~urse outside of marriage is worse than clicking on website that shows p~rn, however, what difference does it make if we break our covenants? For no unclean thing can enter into the Kingdom of God. If we rationalize that 'it isn't as bad as ad~ltery, then we will never repent of those sins. Today, it doesn't matter how 'bad' it is on the badness scale, what matters is the harm it is causing. We are destroying our chance to have a real intimate relationship with an eternal companion and the ability treat her and ourselves with respect. In addition, we are slowly dying spiritually and destroying our relationship with a loving Father in heaven. Ultimately, the consequences could be as 'bad' as ad~ltery, depends on what it destroys and the price it costs.

I do not know what mistakes I will make in the future. We can only trust in the Lord and live in today. Let go of the past and live today, righteously. If you feel that the spirit is directing you to do something, do it. Be a man, today. Don't worry about your mistakes in the past or consequences in the future. Be a man, today. In the end, this too shall pass and it will all be for our good, but only if we make the right choice, today."
posted at 14:47:53 on January 7, 2011 by jdean88
Paul-    
"Not a topic I’m going to dive into today with ya :) If she feels like it was the worst thing possible…might be a good idea to try to validate, let her know you heard what she said. From what I gather you cannot honestly agree with what she will probably feel, so I’m not saying agree...just please let her know you heard her. Really try to listen to her, try to understand her point of view…she will most likely not understand yours, no matter how you present your intentions. Clear as mud, right?

Sounds like your mind is going a million miles a minute. Focus…you can do this. Still praying for you."
posted at 14:52:55 on January 7, 2011 by summer
JDEAN, Agreed on all points.    
"You are correct.

Pornography and MB surely break covenants we have made with our wives and the Lord. No question. Slacking off on a church calling is also breaking covenants. ALL of these things must be repented of.

When I say I feel that I am not an adulterer, it is not to make light the things I am actually guilty of. I feel the full weight of my sins, and I want (need) to be free of them. Without any doubt, I am in the process of repenting. I will continue repenting until the Lord has blessed me with the change of heart I need. In fact, I feel that my heart has already been changed with regard to my specific sins. But we are warned in Alma 5 that we can lose that change. I will continue to seek that change daily, I do not want to lose it, ever.

Today, I will take the next necessary step."
posted at 15:01:08 on January 7, 2011 by paul
Summer    
"I so appreciate all you have taught me. Your prayers and your fasting on my behalf have been felt. I owe you so much more than you will ever know. THANK YOU!

I know she probably won't agree with my words. I know most spouses will not. I understand that. But I also needed to know how I felt about it, and those are the thoughts of my heart. I will not push what I have just written on her. I will not try to justify or clarify any of my reasoning or logic.

I believe I do understand what you mean. I cannot imagine how difficult this will be for her to process. The last thing she will need today... or ever... is me trying to push my own interpretations onto her.

My only goals are to get the truth out, let her know how TRULY SORRY I am, and let her know that I will do ANYTHING to become the man she needs me to be. My only hope for her, is that she will give me the chance."
posted at 15:07:53 on January 7, 2011 by paul
Praying for you    
"Paul,

My heart is with you in prayer today.

L"
posted at 15:25:24 on January 7, 2011 by lawrence
You will be blessed!    
"Great attitude Paul, keep at it, in time, it will all improve. Nothing can replace the love from our Father in Heaven."
posted at 17:38:19 on January 7, 2011 by jdean88


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