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The satanic nature of my addiction
By They Speak
1/5/2011 7:34:53 PM
In the life star program, way back when, I did this exercise where you write down your fantasy and then deconstruct it with the therapist to get more, in addition to other things, at the root of your problem. The idea is when you see your fantasy for what it truely is or why your doing it or what its satisfying it gives the executive part of your brain more ability to properly process reality and make better decisions...or at least more informed decisions.

For me, and my counselers agree, its never been about the sex but rather the rush the adrenalin the danger the risk. Its my own game of russian roulette. But what my fantasies revealed is that there is another facet to it I was wholly unaware of. It was kind of a mind blower in the face of my idiosyncrasies actually. Power.

I think my fantasy was pretty standard for the average degenerate college kid, nothing to outrageous, but suffice it to say when we looked at it explicitly and tried to understand it it was pretty clear to me that there was a strong element of lust for power/possession. False power.

As we were going over the fantasy and the reality was subtly dawning on me I saw this youtube video flash before my mind. It was Ted Bundys last interviewer. He was talking about how he asked Bundy in effect "why?" What's the intrigue? His response was creepy as hell but revealing. He said, "Murder is not about lust and it's not about violence. It's about possession. When you feel the last breath of life coming out of the woman, you look into her eyes. At that point, it's being God." My next thought went straight to the temple. By what priesthood am I working?

Its hard to be mindful of the 12 steps without fascinating over the idea, importance, and role of power in overcoming the world - satan - the natural man - addiction; in being saved. Its hard to even think of Jesus without feeling some of that power or that its available.

Over the last 4 months I have seen the miracle of step 1,2,3. For me excepting, and more important applying, the paradox of relinquishing my power by recognizing and admitting I have none that I might "doeth good" with in order to have Gods power is a paradigm shift of tectonic magnitude! But it works when I work it.

Now the problem I seem to face is almost scarier. Do I want it?

Comments:

Speak    
"You are too smart for your own good.
Look bro I have read a lot of your stuff this year and I enjoy reading how we are all growing. I am just sharing a few thoughts. Be careful how you analyze the nature of your addiction because focusing too much on how the opponent plays the game may take you away from the game you are supposed to be playing. Bundy was a sick Psychopath don't read anything into such a comparison. You are a CHILD OF GOD on the road to FULL RECOVERY AND DISCIPLESHIP!

Simplify the analysis, and do any analyzing through prayer being guided by the spirit of the Lord. The play books (doctrines of the gospel, scriptures, ARP manual) we are using will stand the test of time and whatever your strongest opponent will throw at you.

Buddy YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT SO JUST CARRY ON WITH YOUR RECOVERY."
posted at 22:12:34 on January 5, 2011 by RUGGAEXPAT
p.s.    
"I hope no one gets the wrong idea thinking I'm about to go kill people. Not my m.o. Just thought it was interesting; this idea of power. The power of evil and the power of good and how each one asserts itself and is applied in our lives. Though I don't want to go kill people I just think I'm working by the same means and interestingly for the same ends in some cases when I do wickedly. Really, I'm no better then a serial killer. Just vastly different taste! That's all I'm saying.

I swear I've said all this before. Am I having deja vo?"
posted at 22:16:17 on January 5, 2011 by They Speak
Ha!    
"I agree rugg...except for the smart part. I've been studying poetry ever since some anon told me to "stop waxing poetic" just to spite them and I can assure you if grasping poetry is any standard for measuring intelligence then I am nearly a handicap. Speaking of handicaps, hell, even Forest Gump knew what love is. I'm not sure I can boast such feats!

Maybe part of what I was driving at wasn't clear too. I guess to simplify the analysis or put it another way: The bad news is the good news.

The bad news, I'm powerless. Just like Ted :) The good news, I'm powerless just like Ted. Seeing this and admitting it is the first key to unlock infinit power! I've seen it. Think of all the rad examples of those who took step one. Moses, Paul, Alma the younger, Aminadab, Nephi, all the Nephites at war out matched and out numbered, the Lamenites surrounded by darkness in Hel 5, the brother of Jered...really is there any righteous person in the scriptures or ever that didn't first take step one and never forget it?

So I guess making the serial killer comparison isnt just an effort to "study [Bundy's and my] behavior" that I might "change [my] behavior" at a much slower rate then "the study of the scriptures" would prove but rather a sort of my style way of reiterating step one. Just because I am a serial killer, a pedophile, a Laman, a addict, a Judas, a post awesome life king David, a wretched Nephi, doesn't mean I have to act like one. But that doesn't mean I have the power not too. I know in whom I have trusted. Like Paul, I glory in my weakness!...sometimes."
posted at 01:39:52 on January 6, 2011 by They Speak
The Question    
"I believe the questions are, when will I want it bad enough? What will I need to go through to be humble and finally trust the Lord?"
posted at 02:31:59 on January 6, 2011 by Anonymous
We are at War    
"I say let's fight for the right side, even though the enemy has an "in" with us.

Ephesians 6

11Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."
posted at 09:15:12 on January 6, 2011 by lawrence
Fantastic anon!    
"I agree! And man I've gone thru some sh**y sh**. The catch 22 for me though is I'm not sure I can go through anything as painful as trying (wanting it bad enough) and failing...even failing horrifically if I'm not trying historically is at worst only as painful as trying hard and only failing a little.

I've went so far as to joke and say Jobes got nothing on this! Kill my family, make me sick, turn my friends against me and whatever else you can think of. I can handle that. Just give me virtue!!! Just give me success for the love of God (literally for the love of God)!!!.. I hate being sick though :)

So I'm trying to rearrange my thinking about effort, failure and success. Mainly, I think I just need to surrender my fears and pains over them...cause I've got a lot."
posted at 14:13:13 on January 6, 2011 by They Speak


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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988