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You Can Heal
By Hero
12/30/2010 2:57:42 PM
At least you are not in denial. I, we had to get through that process first.

My husband scored 100% on the 10 questions!! IA was and is our biggest hurdle. It is not an easy dragon to slay, but again armed with the right information and tools you can and will be victorious. I wish you could have been tackling this at the same time you were working on the SA because the process are much the same. But, this is also why I have confidence that you will be able to conquer this one. You are a warrior!

After attending the 3 -day intensive couples therapy, we came away with some assignments. All of these assignments are outlined in the Intimacy, a 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships. Most of the therapy is also in that book.

"Remember, Intimacy is really not a mystery at all.... It is a process. Honesty about how you feel, honesty about your perceptions and honesty with who you are is central to spiritual intimacy. You can miss the blessing of sharing yourself emotionally with your spouse, not because of spitefulness, but simply because you honestly don't know how." D. Weiss

It makes me so sad to hear that your wife feels this is the deal breaker. I can understand and do not question her feelings. She has ever right to her feelings. But, if she would give this part of the recovery a chance,( the third leg to the recovery stool. ) I can testify that it will be the balm she has felt lacking in this process. I have commented before that until IA was addressed in our healing process, I could not heal. I was continually going through major surgery every day.

I used to think my husband was just wired that way and I either had to accept my loneliness or move on. I compensated by take numerous vacations on my own with my children and friends. I am a very self confident woman; I have worked hard for that. I gleam from some of you comments that your wife is also, thus the strong boundaries for recovery. Thankfully you have adhered to those boundaries.

With discovery: it was clear to me I had been cheated of intimacy all those years! He could share with others outside of our relationship and even seek emotional intimacy with others, just not with me. OUCH! That in and of itsel, is a major healing process for the spouse. One we are still working on. There is no microwaving this process.

I posted earlier to Crushed and I have copied some of that post here. I will get back to you later.
"That bonding hormone is there for both male and female. It is not exclusive to the male gender.

Every spouse who finds herself dealing with the fallout of her husband’s addictions feels all emotions you described in your post. How to get beyond those emotions? I have copied and pasted some great info from the churches web site combatingpornorgraphy.org:

Beware of Comparing Reality to Fantasy
Many spouses feel insecure and intimidated when they compare themselves to images in pornography. The only thing that is modeled in pornography is sexual distortion and spiritual disconnection.

Many women will tell me they feel insecure and intimidated when they compare themselves to the pornography stars their husband lusts after. There are two issues here: (1) the destabilizing hurt caused by a husband’s infidelity and (2) the dynamic of comparing oneself to someone who has prostituted herself in a pornographic scene. Let’s look at the second part of this assumption. Many women believe they don’t measure up to what their husband is neurotically and narcissistically seeking out because they think the porn stars represent a sexual ideal. This is one of the biggest lies pornography invites women to believe. Most pornography stars have histories of sexual abuse, drug use or addiction, mental health problems, failed relationships, cosmetic surgery, and/or sexually transmitted diseases. In short, the only thing that is modeled in pornography is sexual brokenness and spiritual disconnection. Men who recover from a pornography habit also come to this realization and ironically begin to "see" the beauty of their spouse as what they desire and need.

Crushed, I put all of those negative thoughts into my "Jesus Box". A visual way for me to use the atonement, Either write your emotions down or just tell Jesus about them and then tell him you do not want to think like that anymore and you are giving those thoughts to him. Put your emotions you do not want, all of them physically on a piece of paper or mentally and put them in that box. He will take them. He is waiting to help you.


For me it was all those years....... and I mean years....of the loss of intimacy. Not physical so much, (although recovery physical intimacy in the marriage union is amazing! Mind blowing!) Giving hope here :). It was the loss of being nurtured, emotionally, spiritually and at the highest level God intended, physically. God knew what he was doing.. Once the counterfeit sexuality is exposed and as your husband recovers and thaws out, emotionally and spiritually you will see a MIGHTY CHANGE. He will not be lusting; his desires will be for you and you only.

In overcoming pornography habits, individuals must make many adjustments to their behavior or attitude. Often they have become “past feeling” (1 Ne. 17:45; Moro. 9:20). They must learn to reconnect with their feelings and with God, to be humble again, and to trust. The role of the Holy Ghost is paramount in this endeavor and can help individuals experience “a mighty change” of heart that will influence them “to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2; Alma 5:12 ; see also Alma 5:26).

My husband and I did some intimacy recovery work. We had not prayed together as a couple on a regular basis. A practical step for our recovery as a couple was to have prayer together as a couple, He had to be the one to initiate and follow through with this. I could feel his spirit as he communicated with his Father. It gave me confidence and hope to hear his tender pleas. I could feel the Lord take control of our marriage. He is the best marriage counselor.

My husband had to initiate an exercise of expressing feelings to me. 2, a day. I expressed feelings back. There were rules for this exercise. (Outlined in; the book.) Intimacy.
We shared two positive affirmations for each other. Praise and nurturing one another are essential ingredients for a vibrant, ongoing intimate relationship.

"We made rules in our physical intimacy: Always with lights on, candle etc. Always keep eyes open. Keep eye contact. (This is hard a first, uncomfortable, but the rewards are great and I believe help with the cleaning up of the neuro pathways that have been cluttered) BONDING!

We had to have date night every week. At least 3 hours, a fun time spent with each other. One week I planned the next week he planned. When you plan make sure it is something you want to do and when he plans he should make sure it is something he wants to do.

These are watered down suggestions but I hope it will give you the idea that along with your husband’s recovery and your recovery, the marriage has to go through recovery. (three legs to that stool) All of this is work, but well worth the effort. You will be supported by Heavenly Angels. Ask for them and you will receive.

Pray and you will be lead also. He know what is best for you and your family.
My Love to you all!!"

Comments:

IA Workbook    
"Exercise 75, page 90. Take a look, you maybe stuck here. I know that is one of our struggles.

Keep the questions coming!"
posted at 15:22:25 on December 30, 2010 by Hero


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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
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    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988