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FIRST POST
By 2NEP4:17
12/23/2010 2:07:27 AM
Background. I started masturbating 20 years ago, but it has been few and far between, like years. My dear wife just caught me reading porn on the internet. I promised her that i would stop, that i was glad that she caught me because i can now have her help overcoming this. I know that i have hurt her and destroyed her trust in me, and she knows that i truly am sorry for the pain I am causing us. I told her that she did not cause this problem, that i dont know why i started doing this again. I have been to the Bishop and he is working with me (giving me things to read and to do.)

Comments:

12 steps and so much more    
"Welcome. You did the right thing by coming here.

Read all you can about addiction. Attend 12 steps. Your wife is hurt more than you can imagine. As your nightmare is now discovered, it is common for you to feel relief. However, her nightmare is just beginning.

Go to www.sexaddict.com and get the DVD, how to help her heal. It is the only thing out there that will explain the pain you have caused and what to do about it. Run, do not walk to LDS 12 step meetings

Our Savior Jesus Christ can heal all wounds, but please do all you can to understand the gravity of what you have done. Make no excuses, and allow her as much time as she needs to heal. Please help her find a close friend who she can trust, so that she does not need to keep this inside. Also, in some places, there are women's groups for wives of addicts. She will now also need to go through a process to overcome. This is possiblle, although long and painful.

Please do not expect a quick fix as this is going to take a very long time, a lot of faith, and complete devotion.

Remember, she just found herself in a world she did not deserve or ask for. Most likely, she had no idea this world eeven existed. She has lost trust. Pain is everywhere, and she did nothing to cause this. You were selfish, and now she suffers. Discovery is way worse that disclosure and it will take time for her to process what is happening. She will pass through many stages of grief. Hold her, expect nothing from her..nothing.Please, do not expect her to help you. You will need to be a real man and help her. If you really love her, you will show her with your actions by doing all you can to get into and stay in Recovery. She is a HERO for staying with you. Please remember that!

Please stay humble, stay on you knees, and allow the great teacher, Jesus Christ to teach and heal her, and you. Plead for your wife, as she will be in more pain than you can imagine.

You can do this."
posted at 02:45:31 on December 23, 2010 by Anonymous
Oh Wretched Man that I am.    
"I love your reference. Very appropriate. Anonymous' post does have merit. I am not sure if your wife is as shocked and the post suggested. I know that many women do not "recoil" in horror and several of the women that I have been acquainted with have found some comfort in Dr. Laura's Book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." She caught you viewing porn. Good! Very Good. I have my wife's confidence and trust and she knows that I am good at my word that I will never look at porn in any form. And part of my responsibility is to remind her and sometimes even tell her that these so called murder mystery shows on TV such as CSI with it's soft porn, innuendo and filthy language has no place in our home. I don't know why a woman's brain is hardwired for these shows. The love mystery and drama and soap opera. And-AND a woman doesn't know why a mans brain is hardwired to be stimulated by just a look at one of God's most beautiful creations. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus I guess.

Your Bishop is your best friend next to your wife who is not only your best friend but is a part of you. You guys get involved with the AR group, keep your date night sacred and don't let anyone interfere. Keep love's flame burning white hot. Get worthy to go to the Temple,,,,,,,,, you know The Lord's plan of Happiness. You would not have picked 2 Nephi 4:17 without a good working knowledge of the Book of Mormon. You are probably an RM.

So, this is your first post. Please stay here with us. We need the honest in heart here. If your wife feels comfortable in joining the "Wives"side, encourage her to do so.
Merry Christmas and a Joyous and Eternally Progressing New Year."
posted at 22:43:16 on December 25, 2010 by 3R's
Really 3rs?    
""I am not sure if your wife is as shocked as the post suggested."

Only a man without a clue would say the above.

Dr. Laura's book? Guys love that one because it promotes more sex for men. You need to learn more about what happens to a woman when porn happens. Maybe read what the women on this site say. I have yet to find anything to suggest otherwise. "
posted at 10:19:36 on December 26, 2010 by Anonymous
Dear Anonymous    
"I know exactly how women react to a form of betrayal from their husbands. Read the first couple of chapters of Jacob in the Book of Mormon. Read also the post from our brother Lawrence on this site, you know, the one about forgiveness.

It's ok to use a name other then anonymous. We will love you just the same. Pontificating puritanical standards with those who are struggling will sometimes alienate them and I have observed that those who preach the loudest about something are having problems with the very issues that they talk about. Bro. Harrison's book Clean hands and Pure Heart, chapter 3 is a real bell ringer for those seeking recovery. Thanks for your post and hope to see you here often."
posted at 11:09:42 on December 26, 2010 by 3R's
Preachy Addicts    
"I am a wife and I do have a problem, yes I do. I have had my trust and my dreams away like a piece of garbage. My soul has been wrought with so much pain I can't explain. I have a problem with addicts who preach to the wives on this site. I will never dispute forgiveness is the most important gift we an bring to a sinner, but please do not, as the addict give advice to the women on this site unless asked. Often addicts want their wives to hurry up and get over it, move on. I'm all better, now you get better. Guys like that are more of the problem.

The above feelings and then some have been expressed by women for years on this site. We sisters have to endure lie, after lie, after lie. We are tossed into keeping the addicts secrets because we are so shamed by your actions. Forgiveness is the goal, but it is the Lord's. To give. Dr. Laura, Oprah, Dr. Phil have little to say about how wives of addicts feel. They are Hollywood creations. Dr. Laura does not even believe that you can become addicted to pornography and thinks that more sex is the answer. I have read her book on the proper are and feeding of husbands and it is a great book for women who are not married to addicts. But giving more sex, when you are married to an addict is what is even more damaging to many wives of addicts. Porn addicts are never cured or fulfilled by more sex, because you can never satisfy an addict. I became more screwed up by trying Dr. Laura's advice and trying to fill something that could never be filled. Hey, let's try this, let's ask the men to take responsibility and stay clean, regain trust, and show a little respect rather than treating their wives like the objects they have been looking at for years. Or why don't we just dial up Dr. Ruth and see what she has to say. If I should upset, it is because I am upset. And, I choose to remain an anon for a reason. So please get off your high horse and preachy tone, mingled with scripture and have a little compassion for the fact that we wives have had our hearts broke over and over again. Sometimes year after year.

uuuggghhh."
posted at 10:48:32 on December 27, 2010 by Anonymous
Ouch rrr that last post was an unintended low blow    
"I can only hope you did not mean what you wrote because those references like Jacob are more for the addict than the loved one and do not come close to explaining the pain they must be feeling. Telling a wife you have never met to read about forgiveness is brave. That opens you up to serious misunderstandings.

This whole year has taught me a huge lesson:
As much as addicts take time (in many cases years) to keep secrets, wives also take time (in many cases years) to forgive the addicts of those secrets.

That sucks big time but that is part and parcel of the consequences of our choices.
Unfortunately your post seems to add more insult to injury.

But then again what does a recovering addict like myself really know.
Just my experience."
posted at 11:16:32 on December 27, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Ruggaexpat    
"Thanks-"
posted at 12:42:14 on December 27, 2010 by Anonymous
2 Nephi 4:17    
"As a recovering addict to porn, either male or female (yes there are sisters who are willing accomplices and are addicted to porn with all of its attendant evils) we can all say with Nephi "Oh Wretched person that I am, Yeah, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am emcompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.....nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My god hath been my support; Amen, amen and amen.

There is wisdom in the AR 12 step meetings wherein the porn addicts and the spouse/womens groups are kept separate. Sisters, please refrain from venting here. We get the point. Every situation, every case is unique. Not all women react the same. Not all addicts act the same. While all sexual predators and pedophiles are porn addicts, not all addicts are predators or pedophiles. This site does not have the constraints of a formal meeting. It is a support group nevertheless. So to you my brother who is known to us as 2 Nephi 4:17 we are so glad that you shared and I can assure you that the Lord and Savior of us all will heal you and remove every vestige of sinful desire from your soul. He has done it for me and you can be assured that you are a beloved son of God.

Get a hold of the Book that I mentioned "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" by Philip Harrison. Skip a couple of days of lunch if you haven't got the money to buy it. It is an investment in yourself and in your marriage and will pay you many dividends."
posted at 22:39:16 on December 27, 2010 by 3R's
RRR    
"As a fellow recovering addict you must know that you are displaying that:

YOU DO NOT GET IT IF YOU DID YOU WOULD NOT SEE THEIR PAIN AS VENTING.
Every case looks pretty similar from my view. You are wrong, I have been reading posts of wives for nearly a year and all spouses who have been betrayed have reacted in similar ways. Now when they get to this site perhapse they are in different stages of healing and so show different attitudes and feelings. BUT they all go through the same process. If I remember you and BCLEAN are the 2 who were man enough to be honest to your current spouses and if so how in the world can you relate to the injured spouse? Stop trying from your point of view and listen (read through their perspective) to their pain then you can help.

You help me a lot for sure in your positive attitude but you are not helping the sisters by encouraging them to stay quiet and be as positive as you are.

Finally I bet we all as addicts behave very similar.
Selfishness, secrets, indulgence, insensitive, ill disciplined, I can go on.
You are displaying a key trait that most of us addicts struggle to kill, that of "my perspective".
I help my wife more when I see and appreciate her perspective, no matter how much she vents at me."
posted at 10:41:02 on December 28, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Again thanks    
"Some men get it and some do not. Clearly you understand. Your wife is blessed by your humble attitude. I feel really sorry for the wives of men who think of our expressing heart filled feelings, as venting. Wish more were like you."
posted at 18:16:33 on December 28, 2010 by Anonymous
I do get it and so does the administrator of this site.    
"If I were to go to the "Co-dependency/Spouse's Support Blog and reply to their posts, many of which are filled with sincere heart felt pain and anguish, and start posting about SA I would be told by the administrator that it is better for me to be in this room, that is in the Porn Addiction Room or the general addiction room. For spouses who are grieving over the addictive behavior their husbands adulterous behavior (and that is what the Savior called it... the sin next to murder) to come to this site where Porn addicts come to ask and share, they can get into corners where responding to various addicts sharing experience can appear out right codependent. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS THIS. Your hurt and anger and determination to rid the world of these scum bags may result in throwing the baby out with the bath water. This is just my opinion. My sincere response to 2 Nephi 4:17 is from one recovering addict to another "just begining" recovering addict.

Sisters, I can and do feel your pain. Recovering addicts don't belong in the dog house, they need to be in the ICU of the AR 12 step program. They are dealing with enough shame already. We can share and I do apologize to any and all if I have jerked your emotional heart strings."
posted at 18:58:24 on December 28, 2010 by 3R's
You clearly don't get it    
"Nuf said"
posted at 19:35:55 on December 28, 2010 by Anonymous
3 r's    
"If you really understand, you would be apologizing and not arguing a point that is pointless. You are not the victim here, and Your arrogance is pathetic. Time to cowboy up. Real men do not whine about how hard this is for them. They take complete responsibility for their actions and are willing to do whatever it takes to help the women they have hurt. They don't ask their women to feel sorry for them because it is so hard to be a porn addict, so hard to stop looking at naked hot women, so hard to stop masterbating. Rrrr, If more men would man up, many of their women would respond accordingly. I seem to remember that we follow you when you are doing what is right, not the other way around. I hope my venting does not hurt your tender feelings. Or should I say IF I hurt your tender feelings!

Give me a break"
posted at 20:16:25 on December 28, 2010 by Anonymous


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981