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lone wolf
By cool hand luke
12/15/2010 3:22:23 PM
My darkest most secret fear is that I don't love my wife. That I don't think she's perfect. It vexes me, especially early in our marriage, more acutely then my addiction or anything really. I fear I don't like her enough as a good friend; a best friend. I don't feel like myself around her and visa versa...and maybe never will. I've never felt safe. And i've always felt this bazar need to protect her from any opinion/fear/uneasyness of mine about her that could harm her...or rather cause her to question her light, her greatness.

I'm not sure i've ever spoken of it in plain or totally honest prose. Most forbiddenly not to her. Because she is so perfect. She really is pretty cool. How could I not love her? So I bottled it under the pretense of the rediculous accounting of a frenzied mind, a fool. And then have attempted valiantly to deny the bottle exists. But the chickens are coming home to roost.

The worst part is we get along just gregariously and dandy. You'd never know that, like on Sesame Street, "one of these does not belong" (me). Everyone, thinks we're just perfect for each other. Especially her for me. Cause I show everyone how prefect she is and what a dummy I am and they all ascribe to the paradigm enthusiastically. She really is pretty amazing though. People love her. We have normal tiffs and wars like most. In fact that's one indicator to me of a good relationship. One where you can fight well. And we do...we could be better :)

So what's wrong with me?

Sometimes I wonder or in other terms my deepest fear is if I forced something that never existed just because she was an ultra righteous girl and it "should" have made sense...even though emotionally I'm unsure it ever did to me...or her.

I don't mind being alone. I really don't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a lone wolf.

Comments:

Intimacy Anorexia!    
"Do a search on that phrase.

You can heal! There is hope! Your marriage can be amazing!"
posted at 15:30:26 on December 15, 2010 by Hero
Addiction kills emotion... dead.    
"While you are engaged in your addiction you will not be able to feel the love you probably do and should have."
posted at 15:46:55 on December 15, 2010 by paul
Luke    
"Holy bit of honesty.

Many won't brave writing those feelings and thoughts for the world to see.
I also have a show on the go with my wife. Don't get me wrong I love her with as much as my poor soul can but in public people think we are that happy couple. My wife just had a single friend at church make a comment. My wife gave her a compliment and told her how lucky she was, but she fired back and said nope my wife is the lucky one to have a happy marriage. Man if only these people knew, they would slaughter me.


But the show must go on for now but I hate it man more than anything. I wish it would end with love being the catalyst. Not to be YET.

Hang in there, love is something I am learning to do I get the feeling you may just know what I am talking about here. I can honestly say I had no idea of what real love was, that puppy-happy-go-lucky-love on which my marraige was based was short term gratification. My wife strongly believes I did not love her, well perhapse she is right (I really don't know) but I want to love her HER WAY USING HER LANGUAGE OF LOVE. My language is for the deaf, dumb and dormented.

Do you want to love her HER WAY?"
posted at 19:28:38 on December 15, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Love is a verb    
"Love is not something you feel. It's something you do. Luke, as you turn your life over to God and allow the atonement to cleanse you from filth and to fill you with charity, you will know how to love your wife, and you will do it with all your heart. You WILL BE made for her when you give yourself completely to God.

Thanks for the honesty. Very, very nice."
posted at 20:00:43 on December 15, 2010 by BeClean
Love is a verb    
"Thanks Clean,

I have not heard someone say that for a really long time. It is a great reminder.

Angel"
posted at 20:41:58 on December 15, 2010 by Anonymous
Totally Honest    
"Way to be totally honest. I wouldn't make any major conclusions while in the midst of addiction. When you're healthy things could be totally different. I would say Rugga's question is a good one. Do you want to love her? Hang in there and don't do anything rash."
posted at 23:48:15 on December 16, 2010 by dstanley


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987