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Ma ma ma meetings *chia pet tune*
By They speak
12/15/2010 1:37:28 AM
Man 2 meetings in 2 days and I'm feeling so absolutely fantastic (comparatively). I feel like I've got a voice that could make a wolverine purr and a suit so fine I make Sanatra look like a hobo! I did go running today too which I desperately needed. Desperately. What a terrific drug with no crash. Anyway feeling a little better.

As many of you know I finished my 91 in 90 two weeks ago and like an idiot decided to take a hiatus from recovery as if I'm in a place where I can just put my life on hold and there aren't some very pressing and urgent issues that need to be lived.

Well in meeting today I kind of pegged down what I did. I thought the reason I took the hiatus was because of fear. Probably some of that. But I regret to say the real motivator was pride. In meeting I realized that 2 weeks ago after I came to some important understanding of step 3 (at least in my mind) for the first time I actually felt long term sobriety was a envisionable, believable, tangible, possible, reality. So what did I do? Well, cause I'm such a brilliant bad ass and now can pull the trigger on this sobriety beyatch any ol time...I'm gonna hold off...just for a bit.

Well it doesn't work that way. I mean what would motivate God to take this unmanageable bull by the horns right away for some cocky kid that thought he had repentance so figured he actually had the audacity to put it on hold? I mean not that God is a jerk or anything but we can only ask so much...i mean come on He's only God.

Anyway, the thing is these two weeks SUCKED! And I hardly ever CAPITALIZE. ITS VERY RUDE. So they sucked and not because what I did but because what I didn't do. Simply put I didn't work the program. And God was helping me so much! Preparing, I believe, my wife and I abundantly for the program to unfold! It was like a hike through Moab with Thee Mentor. Walking in the sun almost jovialy along sometimes. He with me talking with me and even though i'd stumble along on the treck He'd just hang...and then suddenly (i got prideful)...silence...I turn to look...I'm alone in the dessert. I can almost hear the echo as the vibration of that last breath you took when you realized your alone dissipates and true aloness sets in. Only the worst part is I wasn't alone in sunny Light filled Moab. With God it only feels like I'm there. I'm trecking out of the great and spacious building. I'm the 100th sheep and he came to get me. There is no doubt for me on this thing. Well I didn't sell out on Him for more then a bit before my surroundings started to manifest. Darkness set in. Angry alone people everywhere. The endless torment of numbness and distraction. No clarity. No discernment.

I am greatful things werent worse. I didn't contact...I don't even know what to call her; that girl I sold my soul for, damned her for, shot my wife in the head for, and kicked the baby Jesus as hard as I could for? I didn't contact that girl. I'm glad for that. A lot of other stupid things that could have happened but didn't I'm greatful didn't. Regardless though...without God I may as well be doing those things.

The meetings the last couple days though made me feel like I'm back on the hike or helped me see why I got off it and feel like getting back on. Maybe Yellow Stone this time. I guess that's the main thing.

So point and case. Meetings rule! God is there. No doubt in my mind.

Comments:

I agree!    
"Meetings Rock! Try lake Powell!"
posted at 01:49:36 on December 15, 2010 by Hero
Welcome back. Stay this time.    
"."
posted at 10:19:35 on December 15, 2010 by lawrence
God is there    
"My meeting are one of my greatest blessings.

I love these sisters :)

Welcome Home Code!!!

Angel"
posted at 10:35:03 on December 15, 2010 by Anonymous
Well done!    
"Isn't it great when you "slip ups" amount to skipping a daily--sins of omission instead of commission? You still feel terrible (and rightly so). Repent of it, but of course don't be too hard on yourself.

They Speak, I love you (man)."
posted at 21:32:45 on December 15, 2010 by BeClean
I Agree    
"I love my ARP meeting, and I miss it when I don't get to go. Keep it going!"
posted at 00:06:17 on December 17, 2010 by dstanley


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