Better day
12/12/2010 2:34:48 PM
I'm feeling a lot better about things now that i have had a couple of weeks to think about it. I have been to two meetings with my husband. The first one struck me as frightening because of all the women who have been going through this for years with their husbands and little progress. The second one i went to was on a different day and it was filled with much more hope. Most of the women are still going even though there husbands have been sober for years. It was good to know that some men do get over this problem. My husband has been trying so hard to stay sober and i am so grateful. Its amazing that in the year that we've been married he has never been like this. It is like he is a totally different person and i am taking in every minute of it. I feel like i am married to someone who really does care about me and doesn't just see right through me. I feel like we are engaged again, it is nice. I am just worried that i'm going to get to comfortable and then he's going to go back to his old ways again. I also feel like sometimes i wasn't hard enough on him. At first i was really angry and cried a lot but now i'm just behind him 100% , i'm fighting this battle with him because i love him and i know that if we can work through this then we can work through anything. I just hope that he doesn't take advantage of the fact that i'm being super nice and think that i will be okay if he slips one, two, three or who knows how many times and i will just keep forgiving him. I know that i married my husband for a reason and i know that if we turn to the lord that we can get through this. My husband needs me and maybe i was what he needed to get over this problem. I am trying so hard to look at this as a blessing rather than a hardship and it is working. I am thankful everyday for my husband and how this has humbled me. I am not perfect but i am trying to be better at helping him through this. I don't know the best ways to help him and help myself at the same time. Please comment.


Keep up your support    
"I know just how you are feeling. I've been there many times. I love my husband dearly and have had a wonderful life with him despite his many set-backs. I used to wonder if I wasn't hard enough on him. Should I have left him or moved into another bedroom as a punishment for his bad behavior? And yet, I love him. He is a good man in so many ways.

If you haven't already done so, download the Family/Spouse Manual found on this site (the purple tab). It opened my eyes to the co-dependant behavior that I adopted over the years as I have dealt with this issue. I have come to realize that it is not my duty to cure my husband of this affliction. My response to his set-backs cannot cause him to stop or continue. I can be there for him as he struggles and fights, but ultimately it is only through our Savior that healing is achieved. That healing is for me as well as for him.

Stay strong and take good care of yourself. We are all there for you."
posted at 17:47:31 on December 12, 2010 by loving wife
Keep Doing What You're Doing    
"I'm so glad that you're feeling better about things and seeing that there is hope. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being supportive. If your husband is trying, I don't think you need to be harder on him. We addicts usually do a pretty good job of being hard on ourselves. Keep up your support of him. Make sure you take care of yourself and your own recovery. Go through the Family/Spouses manual. Be sure you don't sacrifice your well being for his. You need to be healthy yourself to be the most help to him."
posted at 19:52:14 on December 12, 2010 by dstanley
one more thing...    
"I would be scared too if I were a newlywed attending a support group made up of people who have been struggling for years with addiction. I just want you to know that the reason that there are so many veterans is because up until a few years ago, there were NO RESOURCES to help those caught in addiction. Even well-meaning bishops and stake presidents were at a loss as to how to handle this issue. Also, when the internet became part of the household, filters were non-existent. There is now a greater understanding of this addiction. We know that it is a scientific fact that repeated exposure to pornographic images actually creates in the brain a drug comparable to heroin or cocaine. Many addicts were exposed to porn as children, but were left completely alone to deal with what they saw. My own husband, who has struggled with this addiction for 40 years is one of those addicts. He had no one to turn to - talking to his parents was out of the question, and no one at church ever addressed such an issue. Yes, he did have the Holy Ghost telling him it was wrong to look, but without any resources, he could not quit on his own. Imagine 30 years of addiction with no professional help or support group or resources to help. That is why there are so many veterans in your support group.

I have great hope for you and your husband. If we had had the support groups and the resources and the understanding of sexual addiction 30 years ago, perhaps the road wouldn't have been so rough for us. 30 years ago my husband's heart was soft and desperate for help.

Take the resources that are offered to you and work hard. You and your husband can get this behind you. I know that your love for each other will deepen, and you will come to know your Savior in a way you never thought possible."
posted at 07:48:50 on December 13, 2010 by loving wife

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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

— Robert D. Hales

"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002